On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, all the ladies conducted themselves with dignity and nobody got hurt. Kim finally convinced someone to marry her, and NeNe contemplated leaving Haterville behind for the wilds of Los Angeles – where no one is fake. Nope – not in the least! Oh, and Phaedra announced that her phuneral home was coming soon. Watch out Atlantians – you’re about to be buried with style.
Things begin with Cynthia and Kim meeting each other for lunch. If you said “say what?” you’re not the only one. But apparently, Cyn decided handling things like an adult was better than getting into a screaming match in a church parking lot, so she invited Kim to lunch to work out their differences.
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Before arriving, both ladies confer with their deputies. Kim calls She by SheliedabouttheAfricaincident to confirm that Cynthia is a shit-talker who lacks a backbone until she comes in contact with NeNe, and then she grows a pair of brass balls.
Cynthia hits up NeNe for some sage advice about how to deal with Miss (soon to be Mrs.) Victim who trashes everyone behind their backs, aka Kim of the Weaves. NeNe tells her to do what she would do, aka get all crazy and say anything that pops into your head. And don’t forget to yell over the person.
Anyway, anyone expecting a fight was surely disappointed. Instead, the ladies had a cordial lunch that rated a 10 on the awkward meter. It was like a blind date that you couldn’t get out of. Cynthia‘s hair looks great and she’s being super honest–and mature–although I’m not sure why she’s apologizing for something she didn’t say! That’s like breaking the reality TV rules, or something!
Cynthia clearly doesn’t care and can’t remember the Africa comment, and is basically just trying to pacify Kim, so she tells Kim what she wants to hear: she’s not racist. Good Lord – can we move past that already? I’m already dreading the reunion where this topic will continue to be dissected to death. They can’t find a better storyline for Kim?
Afterwards the two talk about the only thing they have in common: NeNe. Kim confronts Cynthia on acting differently in NeNe’s presence and Cynthia wonders if the two will ever make amends. And that’s pretty much a negative. Was anyone distracted by the fact that neither lady was eating? Then they hug, make a fake agreement to have a double date, and race for the door. Ugh – that whole exchange was stressing me out it was so inauthentic and forced.
NeNe and her assistant
Cynthia Andre are doing LA. NeNe is in Los Angeles for meetings with Hollywood people about being on TV in a non-reality capacity. And we all know how that turned out.
They arrive at the hotel and NeNe gets a suite, while Andre–a mere part-time nobody assistant–gets only an ordinary room. Ugh, the nerve of NeNe for not hooking him up after all he does to nag and pester her. NeNe explains that Andre’s constant gayness annoys her and she just wants him to turn off the gay for five minutes, cause she can’t like handle the incessant gay-yness, but she loves her gays, don’t get her wrong.
Moving on, Kroy commandeers Kim‘s dad to ask for his permission to propose. It was pretty staged and Kim’s dad looked like he had rehearsed his “conditions,” because Lord knows, they were desperate for someone to come along and deal with Kim. Kim’s father sweetly compliments Kroy for changing Kim and the girls for the better, because they were even more of a hot mess of wig sweat, designer imposters perfume, and Jack in the Box chulupas before he came into their lives. I imagine Kim’s expensive handbags have a lot of make-up stains in them and a ton of crumbled gross napkins at the bottom.
Sweetly, Kroy really, really loves Kim and wants to marry her. He calls her exhilarating and exciting. Kroy believes God has a plan and they were meant to be together. Awwwww…. very, very sweet. And how could you not like that earnest boy in his religious missionary blue button up during the ITMs?
Kandi is doing a cyber meeting to review products for Bedroom Kandi, which are all designed to look like make-up. Apparently, she’s introducing a “clit stick,” which is a lipstick-shaped vibrator. And a compact-shaped one. Kandi gives us some serious TMI about usage for the products and I am left questioning whether or not this show is actually airing on Cinemax After Dark.
Cynthia is planning The Bailey Agency’s first model search. Peter is coordinating things for her as she and Mal are officially on a break, and Peter has done a lot of events and knows what he’s doing. Hopefully he’ll actually show up. Cynthia is nervous and hopes she can find about 40 male and female models for the school. And she wants to prove to Mal she can be successful without her.
And speaking of business endeavors, Phaedra is meeting with Joslyn, her funeral mentor, to help a grieving family make arrangements. I can’t tell if Phaedra is trying too hard and laying it on too thick, or she was really nervous about helping them and came across as forced. Phaedra explains her perspective on coffins; apparently your loved ones deserve a Sealy Posturepedic even in the afterlife! Right away there are some odd things happening, like the family claims their father was still married and then say their mother (his wife) had passed months before.
The siblings are ready to put the $14,000 bill on a credit card for their 100-year-old father and SIKE! It’s a mock family! Phaedra‘s face… priceless! Phaedra is glad she got the opportunity to practice and announces she will partnering with Atlanta’s funeral king, Willie Watkins, on a new funeral home, which will be announced at an upcoming event.
NeNe is still in LA terrorizing the town in a too tight–and I mean toooooooooo tight–dress that she can barely keep up. Please buy a size up! No one knows what size the dress is but you – and frankly we are more concerned about it looking flattering, but I digress.
NeNe is pondering moving from Atlanta to LA, where she feels relieved and free. NeNe admits Gregg would not go for her moving Brent far away and Brent would have to change schools, but he’s inherited her personality, so she’s not worried. NeNe is so over reality TV; her real passion lies in acting. Oh no… Sheree isn’t going to like that! But good for NeNe for ditching this show and moving on.
While at the restaurant with Andre, NeNe is visited by a whole host of celebrities who coincidentally live in Atlanta, but visit LA on the regular. C’mon – does Bravo really, really expect us to believe this wasn’t a total set-up? First up is Steve Harvey, who I really didn’t even notice, because I was so distracted by his wife’s amazing ring! A 25-karat canary diamond! Oh. My. Gosh. That is some Elizabeth Taylor realness. Are we sure yellow isn’t the color of envy, because color me canary!
Next up is Rudy, aka Keisha Knight Pulliam, who primarily lives in Atlanta but owns a place in LA. Keisha, like Steve, reminds NeNe that Atlanta is home and LA is a city where everyone has an agenda and a Hollywood connection. What was this the celebrity train to prove how big, important, and successful NeNe is? NeNe seems to be priming us for her departure from RHOA… she fancies herself a Hollywood actress, and perhaps her dreams may be coming true.
Phaedra is shopping at Tags, where Kandi is running the store solo. Phaedra needs some sequins – particularly sequined shorts, which are going to help her get baby number two! Mmmm-hmmmm. Unfortunately, everybody knows that ladies endowed with a donkey booty need not don shorts, but instead must restrict themselves to pants and skirts. Phaedra gives us the overview of her sex life with Apollo and if you really want me to recap it, here’s the gist: They are trying for baby no. 2.
And for today’s installment of Phaedra‘s Phabulous Event of
Pompous Ridiculous-ness Pomp and Circumstance: Willie Watkins is being honored by City of Atlanta. Phaedra has invited all the ladies–both tall and small–and instructed them to wear their Sunday best. No skankymama clothes! Nothing from Tags. Kandi, in her leopard finery, did not get the message. Neither did Kim, who thinks she’s at the circus and looks the part in a straight up Elvira gown that is too tight and ridiculously unflattering. Help her.
Good lord, these ladies DO NOT understand the concept of Sunday Best! NeNe and Cynthia are the best dressed, and if NeNe is the best dressed, that’s saying something! The event is long, dry, and has a zillion speakers all praising Willie to the heavens. All the ladies are extremely bored. Even Phaedra. Kim cannot contain her rudeness, and complains through all the speakers and basically keeps up a running commentary about how much she doesn’t want to be there. So… leave? Make up a baby-related excuse and bail?
Unable to take it–with Phaedra shooting her death glares befitting of a church lady during high mass–Kim and Sheree (and her bun – which looks like an antenna) step outside, because Kim has an announcement of her own – she’s engaged! To Kroy! And he designed her ring himself – all 10 karats of it. Do we think Bravo bought the ring–or at least contributed–in exchange for a spin-off, or am I complete cynic? I’m glad Kim was finally able to score a ring that does mean a thing – and a man who isn’t already married to someone else. Those things matter, you know.
Was it me or did Sheree look She by Shejealous upon hearing Kim‘s news? Kim reveals it was a romantic proposal at home with candles, flowers, sweatpants and NO cameras. It sounds so sweet, personal, and lovely. I’m impressed and happy for Kim. Sheree is the first person Kim told and Kim wants her to be a bridemaid. I hope She by Shebroke can afford the dress! Is anyone else slightly surprised by the newfound BFF status these two have? Is this a Bravo machination?
Finally, fifteen speakers later… here comes Phunerals by Phaedra. Phaedra announces that she and Willie will now be partners and Phunerals Worth Dying For are coming soon! And now that the entire audience has died of boredom, everyone leaves.
And speaking of dying of boredom… this season is finally over next week! It’s the season finale! Cynthia conducts her model search. John gives NeNe more presents. Kandi has a sex toy event and NeNe bails out. Oh, and Kim talks Big Poppa with Kroy.
THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? ARE YOU HAPPY FOR KIM AND KROY? WOULD YOU LET PHAEDRA BURY YOU? DO YOU THINK WE’LL BE SEEING NENE NEXT SEASON?