Oh, Real Housewives of Atlanta is not disappointing this season, is it? These ladies decided to bring their A-game, shake things up, and screw with the conventional norms. Behold, NeNe Leakes has suddenly undergone some sort of an Oprah/Iyanla reinvention and is above petty drama and all about peace, love, and miniature people friendships.
In addition to all this fuckery we are also forced to contend with Kenya Moore. And Kenya Moore is certifiable. I mean girl, really – you thought reality TV was the best outlet for your mental instability? Or perhaps lady is just really, really trying to score some Academy Award winning acting gigs…
So let's get this thing started!
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Things begin with NeNe in a limo headed to the LA Pride Parade. She's got Brent in tow, functioning as a human luggage rack and mommy support-giver. Brent tells NeNe she'll be just like Princess Kate. I'm surprised the swelling of the ego was able to be contained by the confines of the car.
At the parade, NeNe is truly wowed by all the fan support and love as she gets her wave on. I was actually impressed with NeNe here. She was humble, caring, and seemed genuinely touched by all the fans. NeNe muses about how she blessed she is and how wowed she is by the success she has. And then she dabs at her eyes, Hollywood style, to clear away the tears
from mascara buildup.
At the end of the parade route stands a beacon of straight, middle-aged, suburbanite in the form of Gregg Leakes. NeNe is glad Gregg is able to support her and she's glad he's along for the ride. Oh, these two…
Next up, Phaedra Parks is about to get her first Kenya experience. And Phaedra has her 'ready to be amused' look on. Phaedra is meeting Kenya and Kandi for lunch, aka a meeting of the Donkey Booty Awareness Club and they all have both babies and butts on the brain.
Kenya and Kandi need to get a ring and a positive pregnancy test, like ASAP. And Phaedra, already in possession of a ring (and Apollo!) is ready for baby no. 2. They all sigh, have a chick-flick fantasy moment of how they'll all be pregnant together and cue the baby shower blitzes. Ladies – you do realize that pregnancy means giving up wine, right?
Anyway, Kenya decides to regale the girls with a story of JET Magazine, The Bailey Agency, and one security intervention. Now I'm pretty sure Kenya scrounged that "security guard" up from the local gym where he was guzzling a protein shake and talking about bouncing at Club Levels in downtown and girl decided to look important by hiring him to make threats against 6 lb gay assistants and coochie crack offending wannabe models. Hey – these people are a danger to society at large, right? #sarcasm
Anyway, she tells the story of how Cynthia had her minion (Carlton) try to impose order on her behalf and she had to start bellowing "SECURITY!" like she was Halle Berry getting mobbed in Target. Kenya claims she had Carlton was thrown out, which we all know is not true. And Phaedra and Kandi exchange eyes that say, 'Just wait 'til Kenya's security tries to throw NeNe out! Mmmmmm-hmmmmmmm'
Oh, Phaedra's facial expression when Kenya dropped that security anecdote. Phaedra is beginning to understand how things shake out: Kenya is a nut and Everybody knows… keep your donkey bootied friends close and your booty implanted enemies closer!
And over to Kim Zolciak's
squat house, well she's very busy. She plays with her son for approximately 5 seconds then bellows for the nanny to put him down for a nap so she can discuss why she's being evicted with Sweetie.
Am I the only person who is STILL confused about why Kim needs a nanny and an assistant? #WigWearingIsNotAJob
Kim complains petulantly that all the houses her realtor sent her, like, suck – and she's decided in her Candi Spelling fantasy world that Kroy Biermann will just rent out a wing at the Ritz for a month or 6. Now Kim can have an assistant, a nanny – AND ROOM SERVICE!
Sweetie timidly suggests that perhaps they should just move back to the townhouse for a month until they figure out what to do. And Kim is shocked. Like, what? It's so small – and cramped. And, like, not impressive. Look at ol' Kim acting like she's too good for the townhouse now. 'Waaaaah… it doesn't have a pool!' #WigPeopleProblems.
Kim needs 17000000 square feet because she needs a special wig room, and KJ needs a basketball court. And If Kandi can have a mother-effing indoor pool, Kim needs one, too.
I just can't with this woman anymore. She needs to take her wig and follow in She by SheBroke's footsteps, cause girl is about to be Wig By WigBroke if she keeps running through money like she's married to Bill Gates. Again, #WigPeopleProblems
And now in a shocking interlude, it is a meeting of the smalls and the talls. I am so glad that storyline is over – talk about dumb. Anyway, Phaedra is meeting NeNe and Cynthia for a donkey booty work out. How has she not done a segment with Dr. Booty from RHOC, yet?
NeNe shows up to the gym barefoot, which I don't understand and apparently the last time NeNe exercised Jane Fonda was at the height of popularity. She complains that lifting weights makes her titties hurt. So they all take a nice, long break to gossip and sip Perrier.
Phaedra is impressed with how mature NeNe is being as she puts drama behind her and seems open to the idea of being friends with all the ladies. Cynthia is hosting a Woman in Power event to celebrate NeNe's success and NeNe charitably announces that even Kim is invited.
I have to say this conversation was hilarious. Their mouths were all saying one thing, but it was the eye language that really spoke volumes. I watched it again on mute and it was really funny. These girls are all circling each other warily and Phaedra is just waiting, waiting, waiting for the crazy to drop.
So Kim gets invited to a NeNe party, but before all that she's celebrating her birthday. Kroy has rented a yacht and bought out the chicken wing and mixed veggie catering platters at Costco for the occasion. Kim waxes poetic about how important good food is to her while we see an array of MSG-laded, fried nonsense.
So Kim and Kroy sit on this fancy yacht with Kim's boobs hanging out to China, scarfing down egg rolls and soda from a can, and complaining.
Here's To You Mrs. Robinson
on your 45th Birthday.
Kim and Kroy are like Beverly Hillbillies come alive. All that's missing is the CheezeWhiz. Then Kroy gives her the diamond bracelet she wore at their wedding. Kim gets misty-eyed about how Kroy is her rock, which I interpret to mean 'So long as he keeps giving out the shiny rocks as presents!'
Then they decide to head back to Casa de Eviction and have pregnancy sex so Kim can play with Kroy's egg roll. And there is entirely too much pregnancy porn talk with these two.
Gomer Pyle needs to wake up before he's been pregnancy porned into the poor house and all that he's left with are the landscaping rocks from the house Kim got in the divorce.
And then we head on over to Kenya's massive house which she claims to have bought and we meet her aunt, the woman who raised her. Kenya is carrying on about how her aunt doesn't like any of the men she dates and she's afraid to introduce her to tow company tycoon, Walter. She's been "casually dating" him for two years and moved to Atlanta to take it to the next level and be closer to her family.
Her aunt seems used to catering to Kenya's meltdowns so she tells her what she wants to hear; so long as he's good to you, I'll like him.
And then we meet Walter. Kenya and Walter go out to dinner and there were so many twists and crazy turns I was dizzy. She starts out wheedling him and stroking his ego about how she's ready for marriage, while he sits there trying to keep his face neutral and figure out if this broad he started dating so his company would get TV exposure realizes this relationship is a farce.
She's all like, 'Oh Walter – let's make babies! RIGHT. NOW!' And he's like, 'I need a shot – waiter!' Then she asks him if he has any skeletons in his closet. And he tells her he asked out Kandi once and Kandi turned him down. Walter seems to find the whole thing amusing, but Kenya literally snaps in front of our very eyes.
Kenya starts losing it about how this is the kind of thing that's going to embarrass her and ruin her reputation and he did this on purpose and she needs to leave this dinner and go cry in the bathroom and get her food to go and on and on. Girl – this is why you're single in your 40s.
Did Kenya really win Miss USA or was she just crowned queen at the insane asylum pageant? She scares me Lifetime Movie style. I mean, I'm positive this woman has been the subject of a few of those 'stalker or woman who snaps' ones and is pretty soon going to be making an appearance on My Life Is A Lifetime Movie.
Then Kenya comes back to the table and yells that Walter likes big asses – which he does, but he apparently doesn't like big mouths cause he tells her not to get loud. Then she decides it's time for another shot. I think Walter needs to get his ass out of there before HE gets shot!
And in terrific contrast, Kandi and new love Todd are moving into their new home. Kandi seems so happy. I hope they get married. She deserves a man who treats her right. Phaedra stops by to check out the new digs and is scared witless by Todd's tiny little bulldog.
As Phaedra tours the house she's impressed and has nothing but nice things to say about the accommodations. Quite the contrast to Kim's green-eyed, eviction jaded visit the week before!
Then Phaedra shares the odd news that she worked out with NeNe and they have all been invited to some Women's Empowerment shin-dig. Kandi is like, wait just a hot minute – NENE? Kandi is confused by this sudden niceness, but Phaedra has decided to give NeNe the benefit of the doubt. Kandi reminds her that NeNe has been "lightweight hating" (a term I need to hijack right now) on them since day one and is now all the sudden about peace, love, and short people – and KIM!
Phaedra officially invites Kandi as her date and Kandi reluctantly accepts. Hey, everybody knows a spectacle is not to be missed, right?
And at said event, Phaedra looks striking and glamorous in yellow. Everyone arrives – even the heavyweight hating Kim – and no where to be found are NeNe and Cynthia. Yes, the hostess and the honoree are several hours late.
And on that Bravo perfect timing note Kim decides it's time to bail on this lamest of events just as NeNe is walking through the door. And worlds collide. NeNe is sweet as perfectly ripe peaches to the standoffish Kim and pretty much kills her with kindness while begging her to stay for a big announcement. And what big announcement might that be? NeNe jokes that she's gonna have a baby. And Kim can't help but laugh.
Oh, glory days. Glory days of RHOA. It brings back the fondest of memories. I felt like that was the perfect place for a touching montage of NeNe and Kim complete with moving music. I just miss them so much. They were as awkward and cute as two kids at the Homecoming Dance. And then, Kim, she promises to come back after going to the bathroom and then she walks right out the door. This wig is made for walking, apparently.
NeNe is unimpressed. I'm unimpressed. I wanted a reunion. I wanted hugs and swirly dress love and BFF forever. I obviously want RHOA on Prozac.
Kim says Kroy has a dinner and NeNe was late, so I kinda understand. But the shadiness was lame. NeNe is floored, but she has an event to handle.
Cynthia makes a speech thanking everyone for coming and praising her inspirational friend NeNe. Ok, so it was a little um… Hallmark for my taste, but whatever. Cynthia is a cheesy kind of a girl. A friendship contract, best friends necklace, goof ball but she's sweet. And the whole time Kenya is mocking her behind her back telling a bemused Kandi and Phaedra she loves them like water and is going to throw them a party next week.
THEN Krazy Kenya grabs the mic and starts making a speech about the event. SERIOUSLY! She is not Miss USA anymore and girl needs to sit. down. I kept wafting for Cynthia to call SECURITY. Me thinks she's jellybean of Miss Cynthia.
Then Kenya sidles her way over to NeNe and starts all this, 'I know Cynthia and I didn't get off to the best of starts, but I know you are the person to impress on this show since Andy Cohen loves you so let's be besties.'
NeNe about bursts out laughing and Cynthia charges over to read Kenya the rights by asking her ass how old she is acting this way and comparing her to Vanessa Williams. And by that, reminding her that she is NO Vanessa Williams. Just like the Donald Trump trashfest that is Miss USA is no Miss America.
NeNe starts snickering and reminds us that Cynthia only plays dumb on TV. And she'll be nice to Miss Kenya because bitch is crazy and she knows how to beat Bravo at their own game. BAM! Hi Haters.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – IS THE NEW NENE SINCERE? WAS KIM WRONG TO DITCH NENE AT THE PARTY? WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH KENYA: LEGIT CRAZY OR LOOKING FOR CAMERA TIME?