"F*** me now, slave – or I'll spend more of your money on Versace china and wigs!"
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was a lesson in living large, but not necessarily in charge. We spent our last day in Casa de Eviction where the Zolciak-Biermann fam was unceremoniously tossed out, left to the mercies of a generic moving company and schlepping 17,000 square feet of wigs back to Big Poppa's condo. Le sigh. My how the delusions of grandeur have fallen.
Elsewhere Kenya Moore continued to rock crazy like it's a pair of Louboutins. I would say she wears it well, but she doesn't. Instead she comes off looking the girl in foolboutins. I think they sell them at Payless. BOGO bitches!
Things begin at Casa de Eviction, where Kim Zolciak, wig askew, is like freaking out. She's got a whole house to move and one day to do it and no one is helping her. So she storms around ranting and blaming the movers for everything. Sweetie is shockingly the voice of reason as she tries to steer Kim in the direction of focusing on the important things – packing her wigs and makeup. Apparently Sweetie wants to spare us a Kim sans her face.
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Instead Kim stands in the kitchen screaming at Kroy to take her upstairs to "f**k his wife." Yep, in front of God, her children, and all the viewing public Kim remains as a beacon of class and elegance as she berates her husband for not doing it to her enough. That was peppered with a slew of eff-bombs and other curse words. Kroy Biermann couldn't be more disinterested as he continued to stuff pizza in his mouth and chug Dr. Pepper. I don't know how anyone could eat in the middle of all that, but um… maybe he was trying to numb the pain. Emotional eating?
Lack of pregnancy porn action falls under the category of "wig people problems."
Other wig people problems: Kim now declares that her former dream house is now a haunted mansion. Apparently poltergeists in the form of Kim's mounting bills, her salacious past, and her filthy mouth have returned to haunt her. Naturally none of this is her fault. It's landlord, Kendra's fault because Kendra took the liberty of calling Kim "I Wig For Free" Biermann out on her remiss duties as a tenant and client.
So yeah, now Kim's house is haunted and this house has been nothing but bad lucks and bad omens. I find it hard to believe that THAT basement contains anything creepy other than a box of Kim and Kroy's used sex toys or something. That's truly gross. Do you think they have a blowup doll with a wig on it?
While complaining about Kendra, Kim is just eff this, eff that, effing biatch, effing house. Kim needs a cussing jar! She'd be able to buy a million dollar home in a week. Free and clear, baby! Just like… Kandi Burruss!
Kandi is settling in to her new mansion and Mama Joyce is over to gossip about the Wigmann family and to drop hints that she too should be moving into Kandi's new place. Kandi is well-aware that mamas and hot relationships need remain separate, but poor Joyce seems a tad lonely.
Kandi distracts her by spilling the details of Kim "Dang, your house is ghetto" Biermann being evicted from her mansion and squatting illegally while she resigned herself to the fact that it was back to the condo. Kandi also fills Joyce in on Kim's rude comments about her neighborhood being unsafe, but like Kandi points out – at least her neighbors OWN their homes and aren't pulling some shady section 8 nonsense.
Phaedra Parks' son Ayden is turning two and to celebrate the momentous occasion Phaedra and Apollo are taking him to get his first haircut. Ayden is the. cutest. And he is having none of the haircut.
Apparently Apollo is a "master barber" which is what he was doing when Phaedra met him, but now he just does it on the side. He does the honors of his son's first haircut. It still remains to be seen what Apollo actually does for a living, but he's got quite the interesting history. All in all it was a completely cute and adorable scene.
Checking in with Porsha Stewart she's still got problems understanding the differences between Miss USA and Miss America. She's making breakfast and filling hubby Kordell Stewart in on the Kenya problem and Kordell too lacks the understanding of how the whole pageant scheme works. These two seriously need to start utilizing Wikipedia more often.
Porsha is frying eggs and talking about how Kenya's are fried, toasted, and done gone. Porsha chalks all Kenya's weirdness up to her insecurity about being old and single.
Porsha maintains she didn't even have to introduce ol' low-rent 100-year-old beauty queen, but she saw Kenya was pouting in the corner and tried to do her tarnished crown a solid. Porsha decides no matter what there is no way she'll ever be friends with the "older lady" who has "low self-esteem." Desperate cougars can be dangerous!
And speaking of Kenya, she's introducing Walter to her family and she's nervous that he won't adhere to the script and tell them how fabulous she is while dropping down on one knee to propose. Instead Walter announces himself to be the "Martin Luther King of towing…" So that's a memorable first impression. Walter is just such a square. Ugh, he bores me. He's so insincere and awkward. Nothing about this relationship rings true.
Kenya spends the whole dinner openly badgering him to talk marriage and babies, but instead Walter is sending Kenya's aunt subliminal secret messages with his eyes, pleading with them to set him free. Kenya has been holding him hostage until she ovulates and forcing him to drink moscato. Real men don't drink moscato.
Walter yammers on about his past and why he believes relationships take time while Kenya is practically leaning on his plate interrupting and seething. I kept waiting for her to stab that man with her fork, screaming: 'If you don't impregnate me – NO ONE WILL EVER GET PREGNANT BY YOU!' Kenya's aunt seems ecstatic. She actually cheers about how much she likes Walter. Maybe she respects a man that can say no to crazy?
Something tells me marriage and Kenya will never be happening where Walter is concerned… Can't turn crazy into a housewife! Get out while you can, Walter – this one is Lifetime Movie territory.
Phaedra is celebrating Ayden's birthday with a lavish party coordinated by Dwight. I think he needs to start investing in Michael Jackson style prosthetic noses because that thing has changed again. He must snore like a nightmare. Phaedra explains her style of entertaining means "coordinating experience." And with that she arrives at the party, hosted at the aquarium, with a marching band and riding on a choo-choo train.
Phaedra feels she's toned it down since she only has TWO cakes this year instead of twelve. Can't you just invite the kids over for pizza? The party includes a whole host of activities including a dolphin show Phaedra describes as dolphins meets Broadway. I think they were performing Shakespeare, but I speak dolphin about as well as I understand The Bard, so I don't really know. What I do know is that both Kandi and Ayden were falling asleep.
Poor Ayden is forced to spend the entire party with a $100 bill safetypinned to his shirt, apparently passing the Benjamins is a southern tradition I've never heard of.
In the middle of dolphins doing renditions of Hamlet and riding a train driven by manatees, Kim calls to let Phaedra know a little thing called her eviction is preventing her from attending. Phaedra is less than impressed as she lets Kandi listen in on the excuses. Kandi thinks Kim should stop letting all her business go public, but I couldn't disagree more. I love hearing about all Kim's shenanigans.
Back at Kim's house she's complaining that Kendra is putting their business on twitter and as payback Kim is pulling up the $40,000 worth of landscaping she installed at Kendra's when she thought they were buying it. Kim announces she's going to post all her Amex statements on twitter to prove she doesn't owe Kendra money. Wait a second… she's PAYING HER RENT ON A CREDIT CARD?!?!?!? Did I hear this correctly?
Oh, Kim… Kroy Biermann, paging Kroy Biermann – your balls are waiting for you at the customer service desk. Repeat: Please come and collect your balls, Kroy Biermann!
And in a little scene I think could be conducted entirely without sound, ala silent movies, NeNe Leakes finally makes an appearance to give Cynthia Bailey a little present. Apparently Phaedra's donkey booty fouled her and it accidentally "butt dialed" one of NeNe's friends and left a voice mail. NeNe is practically levitating with the anticipation of drama, freak-outs, and zillions of fights caused by one lone voice mail.
Cynthia couldn't make it to Ayden's party since she was out of town and she let Phaedra know. While Phaedra was all nice and sweet, in the voice message she is caught admitting she doesn't give a "fuck" if Cynthia comes to the party or not. Oops!
The best part of this scene were Cynthia and NeNe's facial expressions. It was like a mime re-enacting Real Housewives, minus the wine sloshing, it was priceless. NeNe snarks that Phaedra's prayer cloth is merely to cover up her evil ways – and a prayer cloth and preacher can't save her now!
Nobody puts Cynthia in the corner. Before this can turn into another war of insignificance vs. insecure (a Housewives classic), Cynthia ladies up and decides she's going to handle this like a grown woman and confront Phaedra in person about the voicemail. Color me impressed! What a letdown for Ms. Leakes!
So Cynthia invites Phaedra to lunch where she comes with a present for Ayden. Cynthia is classy. I underestimated her. Not mincing words Cynthia asks Phaedra if she ever said such a thing. Phaedra denies it, claiming she doesn't talk that way and has no recollection of ever making such a comment. Then Cynthia calmly reveals that she actually HEARD the voicemail and yeah, that's what was said. Phaedra continues to deny, deny, deny and then starts changing the subject and giggling weirdly.
Phaedra, dang, don't like like a wig on somebody's head. Just admit it and say you know what I may have said that, I don't remember and I'm sorry. That was rude and uncalled for. End of story.
Speaking of wigs, Kim is back in Big Poppa's house and she needs courage in the form of donuts to get her through the shame of shirking back to the old hovel. Kim claims she had THREE offers on the condo but decided not to sell. Apparently it was fate that she was supposed to return to the place where Kroy was a mere non-factor and Big Poppa was the man whose ring she wore.
Nothings changed, and Kim's wigs line up like sentries along the sideboard as a maligned Kim mournfully bites into a Boston Creme Donut and sighs a dreadful sigh. Well, wigs, she says addressing her ladies. 'We're back. I thought we were meant for better things, bigger ones, but maybe we'll always have mansion dreams on a condo budget. Donut?'
And then the truck full of dead palm trees and murdered plants arrives to be dumped on the front sidewalk of the townhouse.
That's not the only mess imploding. Over at Kenya's she's invited Walter over for dinner and since she didn't have time to cook she's making some TV dinners and dumping them on a plate. She throws a pot on the stove of the otherwise immaculate kitchen so it looks like she prepared the meal.
If Walter falls for that he's dumber than Kroy.
Kenya ushers Walter outside to the back yard where a hoard of bugs is screaming and shrieking 'NO WALTER! Save yourself. Leave, now! She's crazy. She trapped us here!' Needless to say it was distracting, which was possibly a good thing because it was more of Kenya begging Walter to knock her up and get her down the aisle.
Kenya tells Walter that this home-cooked meal she slaved over is proof that she's ready to settle down. Dang Kenya – lying to a man about cooking and then trying to beg him for a ring over glumpy microwaved pasta with an opera of bugs in the background is why you're single in your 40s! Get it together – and get some citronella.
Walter gulps, and says he needs more moscato to get through this, while a drunk and Lifetime wincing Kenya sloshes her drink around in her glass and smiles tightly at him. I'm pretty sure Kenya drugged dinner and is going to steal some of Walter's sperm and get out the turkey baster!
Next week, things get heated with Madame Zolciak and hopefully Cynthia and Phaedra can make amends!
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – PHAEDRA'S BOOTY DIAL: TOTALLY RUDE OR NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL? WILL KENYA AND WALTER EVER GET MARRIED?