So last night Real Housewives of Atlanta was filled with Wig People Problems. Oh, wigs were disappearing and telling tall tales and making excuses and dealing with dog poop and storming out and doing some math wrong and disappearing. There were wignanigans all over the place.
And luckily NeNe Leakes was on hand to provide riotous commentary on every last wigantic. And she finally got to use her Wig Be Gone (sold separately, includes S&H) – and poof! Kim Zolciak, her wig collection, and her stories that change as often as said wigs fled in the wake of a Housewives revolt. And we bid her adieu. Will we miss her? Sure. I mean, she is a snark lovers dream!
Other things happened last night, Kenya Moore's crazy got even MORE crazy as she turned her attentions towards another lady's man. Cynthia Bailey tried to pretend that going on vacation with all the ladies of the RHOA was her dream come true. Yeah, but instead of speaker phone invites (the classic!) we got sit down personalized invites.
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Let's get started! Things begin with Phaedra Parks and Apollo Nida having the double-date from hell. They're forced to go to some sort of family fun park with Ticking Klock Kenya and the self-described MLK of towing, Walter.
Walter is a terrible actor.
You know Phaedra was renegotiating the terms of her contract after evening! Everybody knows Phaedra Parks, ESQ does not deal with disturbed, desperate, and in possession of a fake donkey booty!
Kenya is all dressed up and Phaedra is in jeans. And almost immediately Kenya is all over Apollo. Like visibly salivating, molesting him with her eyes, and probably planning to solicit him for a sperm donation. If I were Apollo I would be afraid she'd trap me alone somewhere with the infamous turkey baster – mama will get herself a baby Lifetime movie style!
Apollo was flattered by Kenya's overt flirting, Phaedra was not impressed. Walter didn't even seem to notice he was so checked out. He was probably secretly texting Apollo to please take her…
It was a little frightening – I was cringing for Kenya. Dang – she needs to keep it in her pants! They discuss her participation in the Parks-Nida Donkey Booty empire and Kenya is all too happy to be working veryclosely with Apollo since he's so "Fi-one!" I think Phaedra has already started the process for a restraining order…
Next they hop on some go-carts. Kenya is so excited you'd think someone just told her Apollo knocked her up. She's shrieking, jumping around, making all sorts of crazy faces. I mean, I guess she's a girl who likes go-carts. Or she doesn't get out much. Poor Walter gets left in the dust with the slow car, which is only fitting since he's a non-factor in every way possible except for the hilarious storyline of Kenya faux stalking him for a ring/baby.
Phaedra could care less about winning the go-cart race. Meanwhile Kenya is living out her own personal Mario Kart dreams as she speeds around the track, hair blowing in the wind. Apollo passes her as if they are the only two on the road. She imagines them meeting at the finish line and then bailing on those other two turtles as they race off into the sunset, she with her Miss USA crown and he in a Speedo. And then she runs out of gas. Literally. She is stuck dead on the track as even Walter passes her.
Over at Cynthia's house she's having NeNe and the newly reinstated Gregg over for drinks and vacation talk. Peter, who's been largely invisible so far this season
thankfully, is busting open some super expensive rare bottle of wine. Sadly it takes like poop and they dump it out. Then they crack open the $8.99 moscato. Can't go wrong with two-buck chuck in my world!
NeNe and Gregg arrive and Cynthia pitches the idea of a couples trip to Anguilla because Peter knows the director of tourism or something and they can get a good deal. Is this like Phaedra knew the Vice President of South Africa last year? NeNe is all, Okkkaaaaaaa until Cynthia drops that she wants to invite all the girls – even the Wig-Biermanns. And then NeNe is like raincheck!
Peter has to reel her back in so as Cynthia pretends to go look for something, Peter shares that he's planning a secret vow renewal in Anguilla to make up for their botched wedding and so NeNe and Gregg have to come on the trip. NeNe decides since Cynthia hates surprises, this will be good, and so it may be worth it.
Moving on, Porsha Stewart and her husband Kordell are headed to the gyno's office where she's getting an ultrasound. Porsha reveals that she had a uterine fibroid that caused a miscarriage about six months ago and she's been working to shrink the fibroid so she can try to get pregnant again.
Porsha starts waxing idiotically about her family plans. Apparently Porsha wants 4 children, but she doesn't want to be pregnant 5 times, so she wants two sets of twins so she'll only be pregnant 8 times and then she'll be done. She already has a step-daughter, so that means she only needs 4 more children and her family will be complete. Because 3+1 = 5.
Also, Porsha is going to be eating a lot of yams. Because yams increase your chance of having twins in some remote village in Africa.
Oh good lord with these two. I don't know if Porsha and Kordell don't have two brain cells between them to rub together or this ditzy and dimwitted thing is an act for the cameras. I mean, she seems nice enough but there is a calculator on the iPhone if you're confused about what 2+2 equals.
Maybe Porsha can go the Kate Gosselin route and just do one pregnancy with like 6 kids. Cause she only wants 4, right? On a serious note, I hope she can get pregnant and carry to term successfully.
Back to ridiculous, Cynthia is going out to lunch with Kandi Burruss. Apparently Cynthia is the ambassador between Team No for NeNe and Team I Am NeNe. She spills her intentions about the girls trip to Anguilla since they've all promised to take a vacation as a group from now until the end of time.
Kandi is interested in the idea, but then Cynthia says she wants it to be a couples trip and Kandi is like my boyfriend used to work with y'all and he knows you're crazy broads, so I don't think he wants to go on vacation when it will all be producer-drama and fighting. Cynthia says she wants to invite Kim, but hasn't talked to her, so Kandi says she'll give her a call.
Then they discuss the absurdities of NeNe + Kim vacay. Kandi says the problem with NeNe is that she always has a motive and she's only about people when she can get things from them. Very diplomatically Cynthia explains that perhaps they just don't connect, and that's fine, but NeNe has no issue with Kandi or Phaedra. Kandi does not agree. Cynthia wants to have a lunch with all the ladies to discuss all the details.
I know people think she's boring, but I love Cynthia. She's just classy and normal. It's refreshing in a world where everyone is faking it for ratings and recognition.
Now it's time for Cynthia and NeNe to be introduced to new Housewife, Porsha. They head over to the Hosea Williams Foundation where NeNe reveals that she actually took acting classes from Porsha's uncle.
Porsha sits them down, awkwardly in the middle of the room on what looks like banquet chairs and starts rambling about how important it is to feed the hungry all year. Like all 265 days of the year. Like cause that's alotta days that people need food. I guess the other hundred days it's OK for people to go hungry?
Then she solicits them to participate in a PSA announcement and since they are required by Bravo to do it, NeNe reluctantly agrees and Cynthia is on-board. So after that boring helping people stuff is done, Porsha cracks open the champagne at the ripe old hour of noon and they get to bitching and boozing about ol' Kenya!
Porsha retells her experience with the charity event Kenya where bailed and Cynthia reveals that she also had an unsavory experience. It's determined that Kenya is just icky and they don't like her. Cynthia feels relieved that someone else besides her thinks Kenya is a few silicone injections short of a full booty.
Kandi and Phaedra go shopping to discuss the trip to Anguilla and the necessary accessory that is Kegel Balls. Kandi wears hers while she talks, while she cleans, while she cooks, while she purchases hideous frames adorned with giant bows. Phaedra is excited about the possibility of Kegel Balls, but she would much prefer a penis ring as she's not sure she's up to the task of multi-tasking like Kandi is. Balls have their time and place apparently, and that place is in Anguilla, in the bedroom with a penis ring.
Phaedra reveals that the Anguilla trip was planned after they confirmed dates Kim could go and the entire trip was planned around their schedule. Foreshadowing…
Behind Cynthia's back Kandi also plans to invite Kenya because she thinks she's cool and the life of the party. And because the producers made her. Life of the party is a nice way of saying crazier than LSD.