Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the ladies got wild and out in Ojai. I have to say last night was one of the most fun episodes ever and it makes you think if they all got their panties out of a wad, relaxed, and spoke to each other like normal people instead of obsessing over petty drama they'd all get along and be fun. But alas, that would be too easy and far too mature.
Things begin with the girls still in Ojai where Brandi Glanville has just dropped the eff-bomb at Buckingham Palace in front of Queen Elizabeth and her corgis. Oh, wait – no she didn't. She just said it to Adrienne Maloof, but the way these ninnies were acting you'd think this was the most official, classy, elegant prestigious dinner in all the world. I don't know why they were all getting up on their high horses acting like they've never said F-U before when we all know they use it. Right, Splits Richards?
Anyway, Brandi and Kim Richards were doing a big Ojai love-in and pouring their hearts out when Adrienne gets on the intercom with her whiny, donkey voice to announce that someone is crying in Aisle 5 and clean-up is required. Repeat, someone – ahem KIM – is crying!
So Brandi was forced to tell Adrienne to eff off and everyones' heads snapped around like Adrienne just announced that someone was peeing on a Chanel bag. Their mouths dropped, and they glared at Brandi as if she was pee culprit desecrating the holy statue.
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Then they all started squabbling and squawking and Kim fled to the bathroom. Taylor Armstrong, acting as if Brandi was wearing poop as a hat, tut-tutted about how crass she was. Brandi followed Kim to the bathroom and Taylor and Adrienne quickly raced after them to ruin more moments and put their surgically altered noses where they didn't belong. Me, camera time, me! That's what the thought bubble above their heads said, anyway.
The best part about this scene was Brandi and her legs like a giraffe towering over everyone else in the tiny crap ladies room. HA!
Meanwhile back at the table, Splits is acting like the moral authority of appropriate language and writing Brandi a summons for violation of acceptable dinner language. She's the Emily Post of the group you, know. Splits for all! Laser Nipples for all! Lisa Vanderpump chimes in to defend Brandi and Kyle starts reciting to Lisa about how Brandi is rude and tacky and ruining their reputation. Lisa agrees that the word may have been inappropriate, but the sentiment was not.
Kyle keeps pushing it with Lisa, insisting she's defending Brandi's bad behavior instead of ostracizing her from the group and putting her in time-out. If stupid Lisa would have hated on Brandi like the rest of them they wouldn't have to film with her this year. Anyway, Lisa doesn't take the bait. She also doesn't feel sorry for Adrienne who is fanning her face and gasping "my stars!" Are these ladies 100? It's the freaking EFF word. Look, I'll say it: "Fuck!" Now grow up, have a drink, and shut it.
Kim and Brandi manage to shove Taylor out of the bathroom and make-up. But not before Lisa accosts Brandi and tells her to just apologize for cussing to get these bees out of her bonnet. Lisa knows the collective "they" is just looking for yet another reason to despise Brandi.
Brandi flounces back to the table, plops down, and like a petulant child announces 'I'm sorry I used foul language. DRINK!' Everyone else sneers, and purses their lips with their glasses perched on their noses and murmurs about how her mother really needs to teach her some manners and how she's disrespectful to her elders.
Then Brandi has the audacity to TAKE A PHONE CALL at the dinner table. Really, is this charm school? Why were they all staring her down like she farted during dessert? Oh, what am I saying – they don't eat dessert. Fine – salads.
Brandi is making out with the phone, barfing kissy noises to make the girls more annoyed. Then she hangs up and says it was her gay book agent because she got a book deal. No one even pretends to be happy for her. Someone lamely asks what it's about and when Brandi says "divorce" Taylor starts hyperventilating because SHE is the ONLY PERSON EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW who's allowed to talk about marriage in a book. Only Taylor! She starts deep breathing and meditating while making snarky comments to Adrienne, because that's so much more polite than saying fuck.
Brandi immediately calls her out on being obnoxious and wonders aloud why no one can just be supportive. Which is cue for Kyle and Taylor to start berating Brandi for being a hypocrite because Taylor was saving lives with her book, but Brandi's not allowed to complain about her cheating louse of an ex in a book. Brandi points out that at least she waited more than 3 seconds before shilling her story which makes Taylor's lips explode.
Like Lisa said – they both need the money, so of course they're gonna take the book deals.
At this point Yolanda Foster, who has been nursing a water and a frown, announces that these girls need to shut up and stop being so immature. She wonders what planet these people are from. Oh, Yolanda - these women are from Planet Reality TV. Where trashiness is the norm.
Kyle gets all pissed that Yolanda – unannointed and uninitiated – dare speak when Kyle is clearly the queen of this here establishment of fine and soffisicated ladies. I thought I saw Lisa checking her watch while this whole debate was going on and then eventually everyone decides to fake toast to Brandi's success.
Which she can't even have, because then Adrienne announces she too has a book and everyone is like, 'Ugh – shut up. What do you even have to say besides somebody's crying and I hate Lisa?' So nobody toasts her back and her poor glass is just hanging out there all alone with no friends. Sort of like The Palms; off the strip, lame, and by its lonesome.
Moving right along, the next day Lisa and Brandi are downing Emergen-C (which couldn't be more perfect when forced to hang out with complete crazies) and discussing why Brandi just needs to mind her Ps & Qs around the group of mad vixens out to destroy her.
Lisa, elegant as can be, was giving Brandi a mommy-style lecture from one girl who knows what it likes to be hated to another. It was awesome, she was all like don't give them ammunition, just keep on being awesome and rocking bikinis when Kyle is complaining about being fat, but act like it's not on purpose. I love Lisa's instructions to Brandi on how to manipulate the ladies. Spoken like a true master! I so need to be Lisa when I grow up.
Brandi is apparently annoyed with Adrienne and Paul for being fake. She claims they called her and begged her to defend them on Twitter last year after Adrienne savagely tried to ruin Lisa at the reunion, to which Brandi refused.
So apparently all is forgiven and forgotten in the light of day and the promise of a free spa trip. They all troop outside where some Grade-A luxury golf cars are waiting. They reminded me of those plastic little kids cars that they drive around pretending to be real and legit. Immediately Yolanda and Lisa start fighting for the Bentley golf cart and poor Lisa, who is really getting the shaft this trip, gets stuck in the Caddy with Adrienne and Kim. Doesn't Adrienne hate Lisa?
Yolanda and Lisa start racing each other in the carts like a cartoon while Kyle screams, whines, and pleads for her life. I'm pretty sure Yolanda was intentionally trying to knock her off. They arrive at the spa where Lisa puts on her badminton outfit. It consists of a white garden dress worn with sneakers. Everyone listlessly pretends to care about the grounds and the activities. Was this a retirement home, a sanitarium, or a spa? Same difference, right?
They all go inside a big room where they are handed non-alcoholic smoothies and forced to strip to a towel and wait to be slathered in mud. Kim blissful, aware, and happy decides to make a toast to the higher power of facials and strawberry-banana. Oh ye lord VitaMix, please bless this vacation with joy, clear pores, and presence of mind to see the ornate tile ceilings clearly. And please let there be mac n cheese with dinner. Love, Kim.
No one burst out laughing which was sweet. And then Lisa tried to get Kyle back for being an annoying twit by yanking her towel off. I swear she was sending Brandi subliminal messages to strip so Kyle could go cry in the locker room over how perfect Brandi's ass is.
They start goofing off and wrestling and water fighting in the mud room. I loved this scene. They were all so cute and happy. It was fun and light-hearted. Yay for girl bonding! Kim you did good, kid.
After that it's a dinner buffet of a million things I need to be eating right. now. I mean seriously amazing looking food. I'm sure everyone just pretended to eat while whipping out their WW Points Calculator on the iPhone and trying to assess exactly how many calories are in one spoon full of truffle mac and cheese.
The sommelier comes over to show of some Gaultier-designed bottle of rare wine and Adrienne pretends to know what she's talking about when she muses, "That looks like Gaultier," as if he has some sort of special super wonderful affiliation with the finery of The Palms.
As drinks are served Yolanda announces she's having baby lamb cells injected into her back and alcohol is a no-no. I'm not sure what to even say to that, except, "Wow? Really?" Brandi decides to segue this into a convo about everyone's birth stories since we really want to imagine the girls of RHOBH pushing babies out. It turns out almost all of them had C-sections. Except for poor Camille Grammer who looked le sads as she just had surrogates.
Drunk, tipsy, and filled with good spirits – was there E in the mac n cheese? – the girls head back to their house and whip out the Patron. Brandi wants to party and what Brandi wants, Brandi gets. Yolanda and Kim decide this is so not their scene. Yolanda has baby lamb cells to protect and harvest, and also she likes to get up at 6 am ON VACATION to exercise. And poor Kim she's now sober. I hope they watched a Lifetime Movie together and didn't feel all left out and boring.
Meanwhile… meanwhile… Patron was ingested, Taylor did something scary with her lips (they wiggle! Creeps) and everyone retired to the requited master suite where drunken shenanigans occurred in full-force. First there was a comparison of who had the smaller ass: Brandi vs. Taylor. Which naturally led to arm wrestling. Taylor decided now was the time to really go Oklahoma on Brandi's ass… and mouth.
Taylor, drunk and lushy, kicked off the first annual RHOBH arm wrestling champions by smashing her loony lips onto Brandi's for a kiss.
Then she starts wrestling Brandi and jumping on her. I wasn't sure if she was playing around or really trying to kill her – apparently I wasn't the only confused person in the room.
After that it's handstands and flips. And Adrienne, pantiless and in a dress, borrows Taylor's thong so no one will see her Palms. "It's clean," Taylor bellowed, "I sniffed it!" Did Adrienne seriously put on Taylor's underwear. That may just rank as the most shocking RHOBH moment EVER! And I love it!
Then Taylor tries her ass at headstands and I saw all of Oklahoma when her skirt flipped up. Even Lisa got a little crazy and upside down. You know what the most shocking thing about this entire segment was? NO SPLITS! That's right, Kyle Richards did not do one single split.
And you know what, this was my favorite 10 minutes in RHOBH history. O-hi Ojai – let's misbehave.
The next day while everyone is nursing Advil and seeing triple, Yolanda has been up for hours cleaning out the fridge, doing jumping jacks, and instructing the house staff about the proper way to fold towels. Commandeering a hung-over Kyle in the kitchen, Yolanda prissily informs her that there is nothing worse than a drunk woman. And Kyle, head swimming with the need for a hair of the dog wine cooler about now, gives her a 'Bitch, please…' look if I've ever seen one. Something tells me Yolanda just needs to do a panty-flashing cartwheel and get over herself.
The limo arrives to pick up the hung overs and the hung-nots alike and everyone totes their zillion dollar luggage themselves and commences with the big ride home to the BH. Lisa decides she's over everyone using her accent as cure-all funny so she does some killer Kim and Kyle impersonations. And everyone is having fun until Splits brings up the dreaded EFF word again. Seriously, y'all?
Really? 3/4 of you just flashed your asses on television and you're whining because someone said a cuss word two days ago? Get out more. So the limo goes from fun to poop in about three seconds flat as poor Brandi is forced to go to battle in a place where she can't escape. Half-hearted apologies are once again relived and Adrienne and Brandi icily agree to disagree. Brandi says she thinks they need to have a conversation AWAY from the other ladies before things get too out of hand.
And the closer they get to Beverly Hills the closer they get to drama! Can we do Real Housewives of Ojai? Those girls were actually fun.
TELL US – HOW MUCH DID YOU LOVE THIS EPISODE? BRANDI AND THE F-WORD: GET OVER IT OR A BIG STINKIN' DEAL?