Well it's the day before Christmas, commonly known as Christmas Eve, and all anyone on the island of Anguilla wants is for Kenya Moore to get some help – and go home! Going on vacation with crazy people is one of those unfortunate drawbacks of being on Real Housewives of Atlanta, I s'pose.
Things begin with Kenya storming away after her massive argument with Porsha Stewart. Alas, no one could agree on who is the real tramp so they both stood up and started bickering about who is more fabulous. Answer: None of the above.
NeNe Leakes is cackling so loud that her evil plan to expose the real Kenya worked that I thought lightening would descend from the sky. Far more generously, Cynthia Bailey admits that a lot of the stuff Porsha said about Kenya's age would have made her flip out too.
NeNe is pleased as punch that there goes Kenya letting her crazy sprinkle out and finally explode all over the place. But Kenya has another surprising ally in Phaedra Parks. Phaedra admits that Kenya's ghetto behavior was out of line, but she likes Kenya and thinks she just lacks appropriate communication skills. Poor Kandi Burruss was in the hot tub and missed the whole thing. #priorities #kandikoatednights
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Kenya twirl, twirl, twirls into her room where like a demented, dizzy cartoon doll she starts parroting the story to Walter. Walter was all like, 'Man I had a great buzz. I was playing pool and talking about the Falcons and now this ish. I need a bonus check.'
Kenya lets us know that she was MISS USA! And that makes her FAB-U-LOUS. And history making. She paved the way for a great dawn of civilization, like the Kennedys, the Clintons, and the Obamas she has changed the face of society. And She. Is. Fabulous. Gone With The Wind Fabulous and this bitch is going to twirl, twirl, twirl into the history books to be preserved for all time. And nobody better call her out of her name. Cause her name is Fabulous, not Tramp!
I just have one question: Is Obama Gone With The Wind Fabulous? Does he twirl in the oval office?
Also, twirling is NeNe right on into Kandi's room before the girl even finished her coffee. NeNe moves the gossip of Porsha and Kenya faster than a tornado moves a trailer. She waltzes in, plops down, and says, 'Giiiiirrrrrl have I got a story for you. It's fabulous. Gone with the wind fabulous. And I gone crazy I was laughing so hard!' She fills a day-glo colored Kandi in on all the mess, then hops up and pageant twirls with accompanying snaps. Kandi is shocked.
After bonding over queen crazy's antics, Kandi and NeNe discuss why they stopped getting along. Apparently Kandi believed NeNe got too big for her britches and NeNe just felt like not liking Kandi. They agree it was all Kim Zolciak's fault – probably – and now that Wigs Delusional is gone and the Wigs 'N Cigs hour is its own separate show they should embrace each other as successful business women and start afresh. Here's hoping.
Busting up the lukewarm love fest is Gregg who has his ruby red sneakers on and is ready to twirl away for a day trip horseback riding. Gregg informs them all that the real Gone With The Wind fabulous person is about to stand up and his name is Greggalicious! #twirl. #theresnoplacelikeatlanta
While everyone else is over the epic fabulous-throwdown, Porsha is not. She tells husband Kordell all about what happened and who got Detroit ghetto. Kordell was practically rolling his eyes the whole time and I was impressed he gave good advice. He told her she was a married woman who needs to get it together and not stoop to petty levels. Porsha is like yeah, but that crazy elderly woman called me a tramp! She said all I did was lay on my back and get a ring. Kordell is like, so? If you know it's not true don't let it bother you. Kordell does not understand how this whole Housewives thing works, does he?
Kenya is also still worked up about being called out of her name the next morning. Can't she just wear a nametag that says "HI! My name is Fabulous"? Walter is not ready for this before bloody marys and tells her to get over it. Kenya is all riled up that just because was throwing herself at married men and begging them for a sperm donation that doesn't make her a tramp, just a lady who enjoys the good life.
And guess what: Walter so does not care who Kenya throws her eggs at. Next time you shamelessly flirt in front of your man, tell him it's "networking." Walter approves!
If we try real hard to imagine this isn't happening maybe she'll disappear…
Before getting on the bus to go horseback riding, Kenya has an announcement. She makes all the ladies sit down while she stands in front of them delivering a fifteen minute soliloquy on how she's sorry, but not really. As Porsha put it a "raisin-faced apology." Porsha tries to interject about how she's feeling but this is Kenya's moment and she's imagining the bright lights of the Miss USA stage shining down on her and the adoring masses cheering as she is crowned 1945's best bikini wearing pageant queen.
And then Peter bursts in to bust up the party. Apparently the bus is hot, the men are tired of complaining about the women, and it is time to go. Not so fast, Pete! Cynthia is not ready to wrap up this "discussion." She directs him back to the bus, where he returns shamefaced and defeated. He has let his nation down – the gentleman's club has been defeated. "My wife just shut me down, ain't nobody moving…" All the guys sigh and mix another drink. Alas 'tis the fate of the married man to lose all power.
The women finally decide to leave all this nonsense behind and twirl onto the bus where the men have passed out for exhaustion and dehydration. Kenya offers to revive them with CPR, but Phaedra quickly steps in and starts spraying them with tonic water and splashing gin in their faces. And everyone is off!
While it would be assumed that the drama was twirled into oblivion, apparently not because over a beachside lunch Kenya whips out some reading material. Kenya announces that she is very, very, very good friends with Vanessa Williams (you know the pageant queen everyone actually has heard of). "Very good friends" is code for stalking and NeNe bursts out laughing.
Kenya bestows an autographed copy of Vanessa's book, "You Have No Idea…" to Cynthia. Since Cynthia read Kenya at the Women in Power dinner about how no one knows who Kenya's broke, has-been ass is, Cynthia needs a little re-education. Cynthia is not going down easy. 'Oh,' she says, 'this IS a read. Good thing I love to read. But I don't give a hootie cahoochie about a former pageant queen turned aging FHM model, so yeah, your ancient history isn't important to me. Vanessa, on the other hand, she's a real star.' Whaddya wanna bet Cynthia is actually friends with Vanessa…
Cynthia is a lucky girl – she has the most fabulous wigs on RHOA, Peter clearly adores her, and now she has an autographed copy of Vanessa Williams' book, and best of all Kenya didn't get much of a rise out of her with that nonsense. Cynthia is really getting professional at shutting people down. And I love it, especially because she always does so with a dose of class and integrity. She's a lot smarter than she looks, that one.
After that whole episode, all the couples kiss and canoodle and Walter completely refuses to kiss Kenya. NeNe tries out horseback riding. Gregg helps her up and within two seconds, NeNe decides that's too tall for her! Among the things we've learned today is that Obama and Kenya are both defining fabulous and NeNe Leakes only rides a two-legged horse.
And since it's been five minutes since some drama, Cynthia decides to have a "mature conversation" with Kenya about her behavior at The Bailey Agency when she decided to try and make "coochie crack" happen. Cynthia lays it all out and Kenya just will not apologize. She has all these excuses and reasons. She says Cynthia is starting to sound like a broken record, which is ironic considering the fact that Kenya mentions "Miss USA" ever five seconds. She twirls a lot so perhaps she's just dizzy.
Unable to cope with Cynthia's reasonable comments, Kenya throws herself down onto the sand and starts wailing: "Make it stoooop!" My sentiments exactly. Kenya feels they got a lot accomplished and the chat went well. Cynthia was ready to drown herself in the ocean. And that, my friends, is how a mature conversation goes in Koo-koo-kachoo world.
Can we take a break to discuss Phaedra's neon blue and yellow monokini? Or NeNe's omnipresent denim shorts – did she bring any other clothes?
Over dinner on the last night of the trip, everyone is in high spirits – except for Kenya! Right from the moment they sit down, it's clear Walter is done with this game of pretending to be Kenya's man. She starts poking at him about eloping and every eye at the table was laser focused on them. Peter interrupts to make a speech.
Peter makes a really sweet toast about how much he enjoyed each couple on the trip. I can't believe I'm typing this, but I really like Peter. Last but not least Peter gets to Kenya and Walter. And he admits no one believed they were a couple at first, but now he thinks Walter is a great guy – oh and it's been like The Birds (please tell me y'all have seen the Hitchcock classic) with all the birds attacking everyone with messages that Walter better propose… or else.
Kenya shrieks. Walter's face crumples and he looks as if he just woke up from a nightmare only to realize he really is in Anguilla with Kenya being badgered into proposing. And despite the fact that Kenya threatened to tell all of Atlanta he was gay if he didn't buy her a ring – he doesn't care – it is time to set the record straight. Walter, I hope you have your sneakers on – RUN!
Walter announces a wedding is NOT happening in 12 hours. Or ever. And he has absolutely no plans to elope with Kenya. Under the circumstances, I think Walter handled it with dignity.
NeNe has a word of advice for Kenya, a man needs to like you more than you like them. And truer words… Kenya needs to stop wearing her desperateness like a Miss USA crown. Put it away and act normal. Like Porsha said: Who would propose to her?
Kenya tries to throw Todd under the bus about how he may propose, but either Kandi has him well-trained or he knows how to avoid reality TV detection, because he gives nothing away.
And then in my favorite part of the episode everyone shares how their proposal stories. It was really fun and sweet. I love seeing the real sides to these women and realizing that underneath all the pomp and circumstance they probably really do get along.
Also, everyone is surprisingly perceptive to Kenya's state of mind. NeNe advises her that the best way to get a ring is with a closed mouth. It must have occurred to Miss Raisin Face that Walter was not going to go along with the storyline and her secret was about to be exposed so she got upset and left the table.
A producer nudged Walter in the back and forced him to go after her. They sit down and Kenya starts warbling about eloping. Walter immediately sets her straight. He is not going to be pressured into getting married – even for 15 minutes of fame! Walter has had it. He puts his foot down on Miss Gone With The Wind fabulous. Damsel in distress, indeed! Can't turn crazy into a housewife!
Kenya stomps off and Walter asks the valet to make sure Kenya makes it to the bus OK. Dang! Kenya does not make it onto the bus, instead she wanders off into the woods to take this damsel in distress act to a whole new level. She sits down near a tree and starts to cry. She wails hard and harder, louder and louder, until she starts bellowing: 'I'm alone, it's night, and I'm SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! Doesn't anyone care about meeeeeeeeeeee? HELLO! I need some aaaaattttennntion!!!!!!!!!! LOOOOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Not even this lamp post wants to marry me!
Walter orders another drink and Phaedra finally can't handle all the yelling distracting her dinner. A shrieking broad will really put a southern belle off her oysters, so she goes out there to investigate. She brought a taser and a shrimp fork.
Phaedra really is a good person. She sits down and listens to Kenya and dishes out some advice that I find priceless. "The only person lookin’ for a husband is someone who ain’t never had one.” Dear Phaedra Parks, I love you. She lets Kenya know that a penis equals crazy and why on Earth would you want to tie yourself to that for all eternity.
Back at the table, everyone quizzes Walter about what happened with Kenya and Walter. NeNe points out that discussing elopement on a romantic vacation could be misleading. Walter does not budge. Everyone played their part to perfection and no one revealed that Walter finally broke down and confessed the whole thing was a sham.
Apollo, realizing Phaedra is alone in the woods with a crazy woman, comes after his wife. And he also offers encouraging words before quickly ushering Phaedra back to the group. And crisis twirled away.
You know maybe Kenya and Walter are perfect for each other. I mean after all, she's Obama fabulous and he's the Martin Luther King of towing…
And so this is my Christmas gift to you wonderful readers. This recap, all wrapped up in crazy and tied with a lopsided bow. It was inspired by Kenya. Enjoy. And also have a wonderful, amazing holiday. Thank you so much for all the support and love you've given us this year. And don't try to force a man to marry you! Twirl, twirl, twirl!
Next week: Phaedra and Apollo have some marital drama, Kenya and Walter continue to argue about where their relationship is going, and Porsha and Kenya try to make peace. Maybe.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – IS KENYA CRAZY OR IS THIS AN ACT FOR TV? DID SHE BELIEVE HER RELATIONSHIP WITH WALTER WAS REAL?