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Being Jax Taylor is a difficult thing. Being Jax Taylor means swatting away desperate hoards of single women grasping at you like vampires fighting over a corpse. Being Jax Taylor means everyone wants to get you drunk and force you to attend parties with them. Being Jax Taylor means all the guys idolize you. And being Jax Taylor means you are dating Stassi Schroeder which is a whole separate problem of its own. But at least she's hot and lets you crash at her place for free, right?!

Last night on Vanderpump Rules, Jax learned that if he doesn't want to buy his own TV and get his own place, he better listen to Mama Stassi and grow up or sleeping in his car won't be a choice, it will be a lifestyle. Apparently grown ups aren't male models, either. Hasn't Stassi seen Zoolander? #BlueSteel

At 33, Jax is a former big thing in the world of male modeling but as he is no longer quite so young and pretty he's become kind of a small thing. However he doesn't seem bothered by this and seems content to sling drinks at Sur. Jax admits it's impossible to grow up when you're him and suffering from Peter Pan Syndrome. Which doesn't sit well with his ever-patient, ever-loving Swedish Princess Stassi. Poor Jax – I mean it's hard to be dumb as a box of rocks and have a gasoline fight with your fellow male model friends while the camera rolls and the Le Tigre pout schmoozes the lens. 

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Ugh – Staaaaaaassi. Can someone get this girl a xanax or something. She needs to turn it down from 11 to about 2. Stassi nags, Stassi wants Jax to be perfect so she smothers him. He lives with her rent-free, she got him his job at Sur, she doesn't want him to be a model so she turns down jobs on his behalf and he's fine with it. She stalks him. She complains that he'd rather sleep in his car than with her. Stassi bores me with her contrived crazy. 

Staaaaaaaaassi is 23 and expects better, more, everything except she doesn't want to do any work – not at home and not at work-work – she just wants to whine, and cry, and have big fights at work in front of customers and her boss, and throw tantrums cause that's so mature. That's so 23-year-old acting. That's like so grown-up, grown-up.

Stassi also resents that her daddy cut her off because she refused to get a real job and instead wanted to like be a model and write about shoes. So now she has to like work in a bar, slinging drinks and complaining that Swedish princesses shouldn't have to overdraft their account to buy shoes. Stassi clearly thinks she's too good for life which is why she is completely disrespectful to Lisa Vanderpump and everyone else she encounters. She doesn't do her job and she treats everyone like they are the dirt beneath her knock-offs. Or maybe they're real, but do we care?

scheana-jax-vpr-recap

Weeee-HOE indeed! 

Other than Jax issues, Stassi has Scheana Marie ones. The home wrecking whore strikes again! Lisa is forcing the staff of Sur to be on a hotpink Muppet float in the West Hollywood Pride Parade. The float is sponsored by Kevin Lee (shi-shi-shi!) and the theme is "Weee-ho!" Or rather just HOE. And that hoe is Scheana. 

Lisa wants all the hot mens to take their shirts off and flash their pecs. And that means Jax. But Jax no want to ruin his model perfect skin with sunburn so he asks Scheana, conveniently standing nearby, to rub lotion on his back. And Stassi loses it. Lisa warns her to shut it and behave. 

Kristen Doute, Stassi's mean girl sidekick and crotchety step-sister stomps across the furry pink pinata on wheels (driven by Ken) to demand Scheana like die or something for touching the unearthly mancandy god that is Jax. Jax is Stassi's property and only she can prevent his sunburning. If Stassi wants him to turn red as a tomato, then he will. Jax, IQ of 6, is like uhhhh… so lotion is bad? Uhhhh… Scheana = no contact? He needs Stassi cliffnotes. 

Then there is a birthday party of Peter. Jax does shots and gets drunk. Stassi throws a tantrum and storms out. And she forces Scheana to apologize for her own craziness. High on liquid courage and fearing for her life, her hair, and her own mental safety Scheana repeats after Stassi and kisses her feet. Then she hides her drink so Stassi doesn't slip anything into it. 

Stassi and Jax have a screaming fight tour of West Hollywood which commences in a sidewalk break-up and Stassi screaming "Go buy your own TV!" Thems parting words if I've ever heard it. And by episode two we are all completely sick of the Jax and Stassi show. 

The show might as well not have any other characters because they are all secondary to the above mess and her boyfriend of two-years who one time in a moment of drunken passion told her they should get married. Clearly Jax envisioned Stassi's dad supporting their luxe lifestyle of modeling and mooching. 

The are other people besides the three-way love mess of Stassi-Scheana-Jax. There's a Tom Sandoval person who is afraid to open mail and can't drive. And another one of Stassi's step-sisters named Katie Maloney who has Camilla Belle eyebrows and never speaks except to say "Yes, Stassi." Oh also they're getting new uniforms. Well the favorites are anyway. 

Someone should really tell Jax and Stassi that stress is very aging so all their fighting will probably wreak havoc on their looks and destroy their careers!

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]

SO – EPISODE TWO: WHAT SAY YE? ARE WE OVER JAX AND STASSI OR LOVING THEIR DRAMA? 

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