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What say we about Vanderpump Rules except that these girls are seriously a mess. How any of them can possibly have boyfriends is a straight-up mystery to me.

Taking a break from Stassi Schroeder's ridiculous Jax Taylor entanglement – albeit a brief six second break – we are treated to the terminally insecure and immature Kristen Doute on a girlfriend tantrum bender. 

Apparently everyone in LA is a part-time Sur employee and a maybe model/maybe hooker and they often live together and hook up. And sometimes when six degrees of Sur happens they run into each other at amateur staged for Bravo TV modeling shoots. Such would be the case with Kristen and boyfriend/concealer lover/musician/maybe hooker bedding Tom Sandoval.

CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR THE REST! 

See there was Kristen standing around awkwardly with her limp and sacrilegious for LA hair (I mean even professionally styled it looked like crap) on some modeling shoot as Stassi simpered and smirked and imagined she was on the cover of Vogue. While Kristen was pretending to model she realized one of the other pretend models was Tom's former roommate and possibly, as Stassi later pointed out, the one he slept with. Like D-to-the-rama! 

Yes, before living with Kristen and her bad hair Tom lived with two Asian twins who were bikini models that like posed on top of cars. Then they classed it up and started modeling clothes for Forever XXI or something. The difference: semantics. 

Stassi spun an already frazzled Kristen up. And since the professional and mature thing to do is make a big stupid scene, Stassi yelled across the shoot wondering if said girl slept with Tom. She did, but it was a long time ago. And Kristen starts bitching at her and has to put her head between her legs to keep from throwing up her diet Redbull. 

kristen-tom-vpr

Later Kristen and her afghan hound hair confronted Tom at work. Seriously – these girls are so immature and insecure! Lisa Vanderpump needs to start paying them in Xanax. Tom is pissed that Kristen is acting so obnoxiously so naturally she runs into the restaurant to sob to Lisa that Tom like slept with someone once who wasn't her and people *gasp* know about it. Lisa tells her to grow up. I tell her to get a hair brush and a therapist. 

So that's romantic entanglement number one for the hour. 

Number two of course involves Stassi and Jax. Five minutes after screaming at Jax they they are ovah, like more ovah than bedazzled sweatshirts, Stassi has canceled her lease, decided to take custody of the dog they share, and has moved onto another Sur bartender named Frank. Does Lisa administer STD tests? Does Stassi know Frank is a famewhore using her for TV time? 

Frank is nice to her on approximately one date and she's planning the wedding. Stassi says Frank treats her amazingly, fulfills her, and makes her feel like the mature woman she was meant to be. Kristen and that other mute brunette who is not Scheana Marie both want her to stay with Jax cause they're like "Barbie and Ken."

Even Barbie and Ken broke up, ladies. Barbie bought her own dream house after becoming a doctor/veterinarian/pageant queen/astronaut/teacher/air force pilot/Sur waitress/hair dresser/rock star/recovering anorexic. And Ken, he moved onto Kevin. Or was it Midge? One never can tell with these swinging playboy types! 

Anyway, five minutes after Stassi issues the glowing recap of Frank's studliness Kristen is on the phone reporting the details to Jax and Frank is letting Stassi down by getting drunk and acting Jax-ish at a club. Stassi doesn't want to date frat boys y'all, she's like too classy for that. As a testament to that she gets wasted. 

Luckily Jax shows up to have a drunken whiny sobfest about how they're meant for each other and besides he doesn't have a place to sleep so Stassi relents and they go home together. Instead of boyfriends this girl needs therapy. And furthermore a larger dating pool. 

Then Frank tells Kristen that Jax knocked up some girl in Vegas a few months ago and Stassi has a meltdown of epic proportions and does an ugly face. She decides to enact revenge by abandoning the dog and chugging Jax's Cristal supply. He was totally saving that for the apocalypse, y'all! What's he gonna do now when zombies invade?! Oh man. 

Jax insists he's innocent. We really don't care. Then Stassi's boss says she never shows up for work and pretty much sucks at life so Lisa puts her on probation and replaces her with broke and desperate Scheana Marie, whose only discernable talents include homewrecking and porn-audio. Maybe she could do erotica books on tape? 

Then the whole world explodes, and the walls come crashing down, and Stassi's head starts smoking and her eyes light up and she starts wicked laughing until fire comes out of her mouth and Jax tries to run as she gets bigger and bigger and bigger until she finally spontaneously combusts. And all that is left standing is Lisa. But alas, with the rest of the model/hookers/home wreckers/princesses/hair don'ts/actresses/deranged lunatics gone at least Lisa can hire some decent employees besides Scheana who behaves the most professionally out of the entire staff and at least respects Lisa enough to do her job decently.

Six degrees of Sur, y'all! 

TELL US – WE'RE THREE EPISODES IN – LOVING OR HATING VANDERPUMP RULES? MORE ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND: STASSI OR KRISTEN?

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