Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the ladies left Paris. They returned to the BH where the antics picked up where they left off and we learned Faye Resnick hadn't fallen off the face of the earth in their stead but instead was just waiting frozen faced and clammy in the cryogenic chamber for their return.
Things begin with Splits waltzing onto the Ledo Deck in a full-on circus tent refashioned into a skirt. Apparently said skirt, a cacophony of patterns and colors, is available for $900 at her store. Oh, Kyle… at least you never lose hope! There's that right? I was a wee bit disappointed she didn't hop onto the mast for a full-flying Titanic rendition.
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Kim Richards seems remarkably normal after three or four days of teetering on the brink of being escorted off the island. And all is well for the duration of the cruise.
Over lunch the ladies share their favorite moments in Paris. Brandi Glanville announces that the best part of the trip was becoming friends with Kim and we all said: 'aaaaawwww… so sweet,' as Kyle smiled tightly and choked down a too large bite of steak. Yolanda Foster let Brandi know they were BFFLs by giving her a brand new fabulous pair of shoes. A pair of shoes only Brandi could pull off. Dang I want Brandi's legs and Yolanda's friendship.
Then everyone is back in the ol' BH where Marisa Zanuck heads over to Kyle's house for the gory details. Poor Marisa. She discusses her father-in-law's passing and reveals her MIL wants to sell the massive 14,000 square-foot compound. Marisa wants Mauricio to co-list with her to increase their client roster.
Oooh! And then comes Kevin Lee! Lisa Vanderpump and Ken are going to be throwing a housewarming party at the new manse Villa Rosa and they also plan to renew their vows. Although Lisa seems a little reserved about the idea of doing a vow renewal Bravo needed a reason to get Kevin Lee back and who else on this show do we want to see do a fabulous wedding and tell each other how in love they are? Adrienne Maloof and Paul Nassif?! Any takers? Didn't think so!
Anyway, Kevin is Kevin. Kevin is shi-shi-shi-shi and ONE Meeeeeellion dollars and Lisa all like no. But we got some killer house porn out of the deal and the view from Lisa's backyard is ridiculous spectacular. Can Lisa please adopt me? I'll work at SUR. I'll bitch out Stassi Schroeder. I'll even pick up pom poop.
Later Marisa and Maurice tour the grounds of the Zanuck compound. Marisa extols its virtues including that her impatient, but fabulous MIL had $7M in full-grown trees imported and planted on the grounds. Oh and they're listing the place for a cool $23 M. Oh Mauricio your eyes never glow like that when you look at Kyle! Did anyone else find it odd that Marisa also referred to Mauricio as "Maurice"? Maurice the Mansion Seller, I s'pose!
Over at Yolanda's house she is doing a sexy photo shoot with David. Yolanda is flitting around worrying about David; where he is, what he'll wear, if he'll like her hair, how important he is. You know, I think it's very sweet that Yofabulous is so in love with her husband but it's a little fangirl. It almost seems like she's star-struck over him and just can't believe the all-amazing David would love lil ol her. Which is odd because Yolanda seems so incredibly powerful in other aspects of her life but then David enters the picture and she's almost giggling.
The photos looked stunning and Yolanda really deserved a werq for the silver dress. Please lord do not let a Kardashian try to wear that thing at an awards ceremony.
Kyle is la-la land preparing for the opening of Kyle By Alene too. Who is this Alene person? Kyle's invisible friend? The one that thinks she's fabulous and begs her to do the helicopter hair whip and the splits? Kyle is on a 'buying' trip to gather items for the store. The first thing she gravitated towards was a sequined caftan. And then all the other things she gravitated towards were caftans. I swear this woman likens the batwing sleeve to the discovery of the polio vaccine. Kyle – just. no.
I mean, really who are the people buying all these caftans?! STOP THE INSANITY! Kyle's Over-priced Kaftan Emporium. Dorothy Zbornak would be in heaven at Kyle by Alene Too!
And then comes my favorite part of last night's show! The return of Pam (aka Dana Wilkey). Oh what a sweet disastrous little trainwreck she has become. We meet Dana with a stain on her dress – surprisingly she didn't tell us the stain cost $25,000. Taylor tells us she's catching up with an "old friend" – wasn't Dana on an episode like a month ago? Taylor truths!
Dana has been unceremoniously dumped by said fiance who was a lying, cheating, scumbag – and worst of all he wasn't even that freaking rich! The nerve.
Taylor is on-hand to give Dana a little advice on handling a break-up without abusing alcohol. Pause for canned laughter. Taylor giving Dana drinking and break-up advice is like Kyle giving people fashion advice and owning a boutique.
Pam tells us she drinks, she smokes, she f*cks – and she don't care! She's Pam and she's had plastic surgery and she's ready to work it. Except I don't think anyone else wants to work it with her. There she is bashing Brandi, railing and braying in the tackiest of whorehouse voices, about how Brandi isn't up to the group's caliber while her drunk lushy ass is trying to light Marlboro Light 100 after Marlboro Light 100 with the restaurant candle and blowing it in Taylor's frozen, silly putty lips agape, face.
Oh Taylor… that was some reality check. It settled slowly. Dawning on her that this is exactly how people perceive her. She is a hot stinking mess of too much to drink and too many antics. Oh girl… that had to hurt like hell to swallow. Dang – pride is a bitter pill. How on earth Bravo found a bigger trainwreck is pure genius.
Those two were like a broken down Ab-Fab; a RuPaul's Drag Race skit come to life only far less fabulous looking. And then Pam spilled her drink all over Taylor's 'borrowed' Stella, fell off her heels stumbling out, and bellowed at the valet, 'Where's my Maserati – Oh yeah the jackass never paid to get it fixed and I'm a grifter with no job!' before whacking him with a Firkin. OK, so that's the part the editors cut out. WHY?!
I wonder if Dana had to pawn the $25,000 sunglasses? Could she use those to get the car out of hock?
And it's opening day at Kyle by Alene Too. Kyle gives Mauricio a fashion show of her two potential dress options for the opening. The funniest part of the whole thing is that he barely glanced at both of dresses, oooohhed and aaaaahed and couldn't have been less impressed. He was like, ' God – they're both hideous – wear the uglier one. bwhahahaha!' So she did!
Kim calls to say she's spray tanning in Adrienne's skidmark coffin and hoping she'll be orange in time to make it to the big event. Kyle is stressing to max cause her hair is all faux-hawked and her dress is all too tight and Las Vegas Mother-of-the-bride and now Kim is gonna be late cause she's trying to get to maximum human stain capacity. Dammit! Nothing ever works out for Kyle. Nothing! And then the limo takes a turn too fast and her dress ruffles shift unflatteringly. But hey Faye shows up and I forgot all about how bad Kyle's dress was cause Faye's was WORSE!
Poor Lisa also got Kyle'd! You know Kyle gave her that dress to wear from her store and it was gawd-awful. Oh Lisa – please never let Kyle dress you. I know you are trying to like be a good friend and patch up the dregs of your friendship but yanking on a floral Mrs. Roper dress that's too tight and unflattering is not the way to do it! It was like the 'older' version of Kyle's rag.
Everyone else looked nice until Adrienne and well, does she ever look nice? Nope. Moving on.
The opening goes well. No one fights. Yolanda and Taylor have a chat; Taylor admits that she judged David unfairly and since Linda Thompson is so never going to get on this show and is such a nobody at this point she better suck up to Yolanda and make nice. Yolanda accepts and they tepidly hug. "I should have gotten a coffee with you," Taylor demurred. "Yes – gone to Starbucks!" Yolanda chirped; whipping out a green and white cup and displaying it prominently for the camera.
I realized something listening to Yolanda lecture Taylor on problem solving: she is not unlike a lemon. She is tart and a little tough to handle sometimes, but she has really important medicinal properties and can cure all manner of illness. She is chalk-full of vitamins and when mixed with sugar makes an absolutely divine treat. Also she has so many different abilities. She's a bit tough on the outside and a bit hard to bite through, but you know what – it's worth it. Yes, YoLemon! I'll bite.
So Taylor sucks up and Kyle gets to jump around and clap that her party is fabulous and everyone is loving each other cause her clothes are so beautiful no one can fight amid such finery. Adrienne and Brandi ignore each other completely and just drink too much in the separate corners instead. Yolanda buys something to be nice. Brandi doesn't cause Brandi doesn't want to give Kyle $3k of her hard-earned money.
Adrienne also ignored poor Paul, who looked so deflated and crest-fallen as he scuttled behind her with sad eyes. Adrienne has stripped his manhood and self-esteem, relegating him to accessory no one wants. He's like as important to her as one of her cheaply made purses. Just there for the image and not for any other reason.
Kyle cuts the big bow to grand open her store. Faye kisses her on the cheeks in congratulations. I wouldn't let Faye touch my face… the plastic surgery malfunction might be contagious!
Then Kim and Kyle go cry in the back about why Kim was acting so loopy and out of it in Paris.
Kimscuses strikes again as she tells us she was accidentally taking an old medication that made her feel off. Oh, Kim… seriously? Kim tells us in the height of her addiction she didn't care if she died or not she was so deep into her alcoholism. Kyle cries about almost losing her sister and although it was a sweet moment, I'm kind of tired of these two huddling in the corner to sob and pet each other at every function. Save it for therapy!
Hopefully Kim can truly get her life together because we are rooting for her. And hopefully Kyle will be so busy with her new store she won't have time to cause so much drama in the future. And hopefully Lisa came home, took off that dress, and burned it. It's not even worth cleaning up pom poop with.
Next Week: Yolanda puts Faye in her place; which happens to be in the trash – right where she belongs!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WOULD YOU SHOP AT CAFTAN EMPORIUM? WILL YOLANDA AND TAYLOR BECOME FRIENDS? HOW FABULOUS WAS PAM?