I'm just going to put this out there – and y'all can slam me in the comments, freak out and call me biased, blow up my inbox with complaints, whatever – but taking a cue from the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County, I'm about to be a megabitch and I don't care. So here it is: I cannot stand Gretchen Rossi. Not for one. more. minute. It feels so good to get that off my chest!
I've often felt that all the Real Housewives, no matter how obnoxious and annoying have some redeeming benefits. For instance, I find Tamra Barney largely repulsive, but she's often funny and when she sets aside her jealousies, she can be a lot of fun.
Vicki Gunvalson is self-absorbed, neurotic, and annoying but she has a good heart underneath it all – we all know this – and she's never afraid to put her crazy out there to be judged and dissected, which I can respect. Alexis Bellino is dumb as a box of Dyeables shoes and equally as tacky, but she's also a nice woman who genuinely seems to care about her friends and family, plus she's always doing something goofball enough to laugh at.
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And Heather Dubrow, well, who can truly hate fancypants and her extremely inflated ego that's basically a big ol' disguise cause she feels like being just a mom isn't enough. Plus, Heather dresses well and is amusing.
Oh, but Gretchen… let's see… I mean she is "in love" with Slave. On national TV she was complaining that Slave was leaving her all alone for a few days to go be with his son while he's having an operation. Oh that's appropriate. She shows up to Tamra's party and is a big ol' giant clip-in wig pieces bitch from the very beginning. And that was just last night's episode.
So with all of that out of the way, let's thoroughly trash all these ladies because after last night's performance they all deserve it. Lydia McLaughlin will likely get a pass because she's barely present by nature of newbie status. Amateur.
Things begin with Alexis showing up to Vicki's with a present. I feel like I'm having deja vu cause this is exactly how last week's episode began. And Vicki's face has not improved. Sadly. Alexis hands Vicki a 'Thanks for getting your face mucked up by my plastic surgeon cause I got commission' present and Vicki gives Alexis something in return: an invite to Tamra's illustrious gym opening party. YAY!
Alexis suggests she bring her new BFF Lydia! Oh how fun, cause Lydia will totally enjoy partying with with the bitchqueen vampiresses sucking the blonde, youthiness from attractive young trophy wives and replacing it with wrinkles and cellulite.
You go in looking like 'Lex, you leave looking like Vics. Alexis describes Lydia as "Christian on steroids."
Some seriously BAAAAD acting happened – particularly Alexis' cringe-worthy performance – and it was straight up producer intervention of forcing all the ladies to attend a party together. Vicki texts Tamra and asks if Lydia can come and Tamra says OK. Then Lex and Vics gush about a new era of business women supporting each other, burning bras, and bolstering each other's successes. And Gloria Steinem wept.
This set the scene for an entire episode of Tamra complaining that Vicki put her on the spot and made her feel like she haaad to invite Alexis. Lies, lies… sweet lil lies! Heather does a bit on a radio show where she tries to convince us she's fine with being a housewife. But oh look – her career is also coming back! The subject of her radio show is "bullying" and of course it's directed at Alexis' insistence that she is being bullied by the mean girls.
Can I wear hotpants in heaven?
Alexis and Lydia have a momdate. Lydia is Skipper to Alexis' Barbie. We've got Crucifix Skipper and Jesus Barbie, who share a passion for dressing for Jesus in microminis and shortie-shorts. #RichJesusyPeopleProblems Lydia jumps in by telling Lex about Heather and the saga of the fake ring. Alexis gets a pinched look on her face and then it's over. Lydia is going to have to do better at causing drama if she wants to stick around. Maybe she can get up on a biblical soap box and condemn Tamra to hell while swinging a martini glass and wearing a bikini or something?
Then Lydia and her hubby Doug grab dinner with the Dubrows so they can discuss the magazine. Heather and Terry still believe they are worthy of a cover. Doug tells them they usually choose "household names" for the covers which makes Heather purse her lips and do that squinty face at Terry to express her shock and displeasure. She's like a REAL HOUSEWIFE! I guess she thought that made her a household name?
Enacting her revenge Heather schools Lydia on how Alexis stacks up with the group. Having the biggest boobs makes you the biggest boob and the least liked. Heather tells Lydia she is the company she keeps and will most likely be ostracized because no one likes ol' Lex who is only being invited to this party because the producers are making them. Just a friendly warning! Lydia gulps and warbles in her Rainbow Bright on Acid voice about how like she's like nice and stuff and like will try to get along.
Just a question: if one is the company they keep, what does it say about Heather that she is buddy-buddy something wicked with TamWretchen?
Then Gretchen and Slave have a scene together where she has put on full-on stage makeup job to drive Slave to the airport so she can complain about him leaving her to attend to his sick son. I'm guessing this scene was their attempt at damage control. Not working.
Oh, what will Gretchy Ew do without her Slavey? Who will put the plasticy cups in her Keurig? And who will plug in the curling iron? And who will pack up all her Gretchen Christine Schlock and hide it in the warehouse at midnight so they can pretend it's selling out. Oh life is hard for Gretchen. Luckily she can take all her unfairness and anger out on Alexis.
When Gretchen discovers Lex is coming to Tamra's her eyes narrow to teeny glittering cubic zirconia slits and she warns Alexis that if she wants to keep trying to sit with the cool girls she's going to continue to get tortured. Essentially she says it's all Alexis' fault she gets picked on because she keeps trying to be their friends. I'm going to assume Gretchen and her hairflips don't understand the definition of "professionalism".
Also pissed that Alexis is being forced to interact with them is Tamra. Alexis makes her have to poop. Yes, don't forget to flush your negative energy and lack of niceties down the toilet. Eddie is on-hand to help her choose an outfit. Nothing can cover up ugly though, so don't try Edsters. Tamra complains that Vicki put her on the spot and she's all outraged and stuff cause like Alexis is an awful turd that just won't go away and is clogging the toilet of Tamra's awesomeness. Or something equally crass!
At the gym, Tamra has "special wine glasses" for her "special friends" and asks the party planner to place them at Heather and Gretchen's seats. I'm guessing the other ladies got glasses with "evil eyes" and the specials got one with evil eye warding talismans.
Lydia and Vicki meet and Vicki launches on her like a praying mantis about, 'Do you work?! Are you worth my time? Cause I think Alexis is a loser but everyone else hates me so at least she has this paltry dress line. I mean her job is really being a boob bouncing mascot for Tramboppoly Boob Blob Bouncing Emporium – or whatever! Hahaha! I have to pretend. So you have like a legit-ish job?! That's nice! Do you have insurance?! I sell it! I sell it! I sell it! Wine? It's roofied. Just sign here on the dotted line and catastrophe insurance is yours.' Ok, well it pretty much happened like that. And Rainbow Brite on Acid met Miss Piggy on Crack and those two are definitely two peas in a hyperactive insane pod. Friends!
Alexis and Vicki throw Lydia in the backseat of the limo and when she comes to she's in a horrible red-lit haze. It looks a lot like hell. And it pretty much is! Hi Tamra.
What remains of Adrienne Maloof's "floral" arrangement. Vicki loves a bargain!
So Alexis waddles in, in her uuuuber tight maxi dress, and hands Tamra wine and a peace offering comment about support. And then it's like the height of awkward as Tamra and Gretchen are outright RUDE to Lydia. Lydia asks Gretchen if she is married and Gretchen is like 'Iiiiiiiiiii have an amaaaaazing boyfriend. Ammmmaaaaazing.' With a straight face. It had to be the botox. No one laughed. It's like they didn't get the irony. I laughed. But no one heard me at home.
Then Vicki and Gretchen get into it because both of them always have to be making everything all about themselves and since Vicki beat Gretchen to the punch and reminded her that TAMRA was just across the street from Coto Insurance and well within easy stalking distance, she won this round. Oh and she's also has a baby. Gretchen is like 'YOUR baby? Aren't you a little elderly? You didn't have a baby…' and it's this tit-for-tat bitchiness with outrage.
They all scrape over to the dinner table in the red cave of horrors and Tamra plops down at the head of the table, smooths her horns down, and starts in with Alexis, 'I really didn't want you here and Vicki forced me. Not the producers but Vicki. And I hate you both and this is 51% my gym and you can't work out here like ever cause Jesus and niceness may be catching and clearly I have the social graces of a piranha. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME PEOPLE?!'
Alexis tries to ask Tarma to not do this no; to not ruin her own night. To let go of storyline grasping for a minute and call her so they can talk one-on-one, etc. And cue Tamra's attack harpies. Gretchen starts berating Alexis and whining and screeching. Alexis is all like bullying, bullies, ganging up, bullies, bully! bully! Bully! Costa Rica! Bully! Heather starts with waving her hands around like this is a sermon and she's reaching up to the lord – who did not respond – telling Alexis she lacks accountability because Alexis looked at her. Fifth grade called – they're embarrassed for you.
Look, I don't really care to get into the semantics of bullying or not, that's immaterial to me. Alexis is going to milk this storyline til Jim gets a real job (aka forever), but what's not immaterial is that Gretchen, Tamra, and Heather act like asses and for all their preaching about everyone else doing wrong they're doing the most wrong. Do they not see their actions as inappropriate? Cause that's a problem. Tamra has always been a hotmess of desperate grasping. And Gretchen, she's straight-up ridiculous whining excuses. But Heather needs to check herself and do it fast. Take a good hard look in the mirror and if you see TamWretchen staring back at you, be afraid. There's FOUR people in this equation not taking accountability – and only one of them is Alexis!
We hate Alexis!
They're all shouting and screeching and Alexis is shouting and screeching. The local animal control was probably called to the scene for fear hyenas escaped the zoo and were terrorizing an abandoned warehouse. Good thing Vicki has insurance! Speaking of Vicki, she was pretty much silent. She defended Lex for about six seconds in the beginning but then it was Alexis thrown to the harpies. But Lex held her own. She finally stood up to Tamra and told her her butt the hell out of everyone's drama and stop trying to tell everyone what to do.
That was about the time that Heather put her fingers in her ears and said lalalallalala while telling Alexis where she could and could not stick her finger. Hey – I wouldn't want a finger that prodded Jim near me either, but still! I think Heather was trying to make a point that Alexis was immature. The point was moot.
So Tamra, desperate for control, stands up and throws Alexis out of her party in a big ol' screaming mess. She literally scooted Alexis' chair away from the table. Alexis holds up her Shanel purse and I wish she would of whacked old trashy right in the weave and knocked those extensions off, but instead she just huffed and puffed and pulled a "How rude!" before stalking out. Vicki was blubbering at this point and needed oxygen.
Lydia chalked it up to a horrible, horrible run-in with the devil and made a mental note never to accept a drink from someone at Bravo again. And Gretchen was like, 'Look at me now! My face looks like a giant smear from airbrush makeup!' While yelling some nonsense.
Well alls trashy that begins and ends trashy, eh. #ShakespeareForHousewives. Way to throw a party, Tamra. Girls just wanna have fun! Great advertising for Cee U Next Tuesday fitness!
Oh, and then Tamra stuffed her fingers in her ears and yelled lalallalallalla while Alexis was stomping out. Really.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – IS ALEXIS BEING BULLIED? DO TAMRA, GRETCHEN, AND HEATHER NEED TO GET OVER THEMSELVES? WILL LYDIA EVER RETURN?