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Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County we got a glimpse into Lydia McLaughlin's past and Vicki Gunvalson had "the talk" with Brooks Ayers. Sadly her little fur chubby she wore was only good for wiping away her tears when Brooks tried to back her in a corner with some nonsense. 

Things begin with Heather Dubrow and Tamra Barney meeting Lydia for lunch. Heather and Tamra are just… I dunno… their dynamic is forced to me. Maybe it's because Heather exists with this perma-bemused expression on her face and Tamra is always working too hard to seem acerbic and unaffected. In short – stop putting on airs.

They quiz Lydia on her relationship with Alexis Bellino. Which was the whole purpose of this awkward lunch; to size up Lydia and see if she was worthy of attending to. Lydia was wearing a Pretty, Pretty Princess tiara and giggling about fairy dust and oh yeah like Alexis is like so like super weird and she like changes her story like so much cause like one minute she's crying her fake eyelashes off and leaking tears of silicone over bullying and the next minute she's like a smoking rage-filled plasticine bitch ranting about how she needs to forgive cause like Jesus exists, but we're totally friends! I was confused. 

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Tamra says Alexis is like a puppy that needs guidance but then poops on you and is full of poop, but she feels sorry for her. I feel sorry for Tamra that all her anal-ogies are about poop. 

Anyway, then they all ooooh and aaaahhh over Lydia's "gooooorgeeeeous" curry plate because Tamra and Heather haven't eaten real food since the early 90's and skinny minx Lydia can consume a carb and still look like a Bratz Doll. Bitch. Their love her of her will soon fade faster than a  Gretchen Christine Bootay Spray Away Natural Skin Tone and Turn Suntan Pantyhose Orange. $9.99 + Tax! Slade will carry it to your door personally. 

Here's the thing about Lydia, I'm not sure if she's just a really direct, honest person who is upfront about how she feels or a two-faced schemer who just wants to be liked by whomever she's with. I reserve right to continue judging. 

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The couple that moisturizes together, stays together! 

The Bellinos are stripping down and interpreting the scripture. Spending approximately 45 minutes scraping eye makeup off her face, Alexis ends up looking exactly the same afterwards. Did we miss the scene where she reapplied the makeup or is she truly a living incarnation of Barbie and never loses her facepaint? 

It was The Bellinos: Live, Raw, and Uncut. Jim advises Alexis that Jesus wants you to forgive but not forget. There's a difference between turning the other cheek and setting yourself up for failure. Now I've never read that section of the Bible, so maybe it does say not to let people kick you in the stomach while you lie on the ground crying! Who knows what the Bellinos know… 

I do believe Jim had a valid point: expect the mean girls to be mean. Don't put up with it! They're mean, Alexis knows it, so be prepared, and move on! Don't cry victim and then get puffy face over it. Well, Dr. Niccole may want you to get puffy face – more operations mean more $$. Alexis seems to agree and since Jim is king and king says stay home and boil my eggs while bouncing on a trampoline, Alexis complies and then says she's no fool. Well, that's debatable… 

Over at Vicki's, Ryan needs to get a grip. Vicki is installing a carseat in her car for "her" baby and Ryan is out there lecturing her about who she dates and giving her a curfew. Apparently in CA women over 50 cannot be out past 9pm with men their son-in-laws don't approve of. Ryan maintains he's allowed to have his own opinion and that was the agreement they made about Brooks when they moved in, but the guilt tripping and the hostile tone need to stop. We get it – you don't like Brooks, but getting rude with your mother-in-law is uncalled for. 

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And then we meet Lydia's mama. I think her name may be Nana. Nana is a pot-smoking hippie from waaaay back. Lydia's mom believes in Fairy Dust and it's only appropriate that Lydia be spawned by a living incarnation of a Disney character and that her mom waltzes around like a Fairy Godmother. Oh, wait til Alexis gets her hands on Nana and Nana turns her Subaru into a Bentley and her CZ into a real, live bona fide diamond! Gretchen will be soooo jealous! Maybe she'll even throw in some real boobs! Mirror, Mirror who's the fairest of them all?

Lydia tells us that her mom spent most of her upbringing high on pot and when her mom was stoned she would drag her to the mall because intoxicated Nana was loosey with the credit card! As a result Lydia went Jesus while her mom went treesus, cause she believes she really is a reincarnated tree. 

During the shopping trip it seems Lydia hasn't changed much because Nana paaaaaays for everything and then tells the salesgirl she doesn't want a bag cause she's killing her kin. I rolled my eyes because this is obviously what 1960's pot paraphernalia films warned the youth about and it seems like Lydia and Nana watched a few and crafted this here little act. They know Andy loves a wackadoodle mama! 

Later they go out to breakfast to celebrate that Nana quit smoking and now she can baby-sit her grandchildren Stirling and Maverick. Lydia is proud of her mom for living in the "real world" now; the real world where people name their children Stirling and Maverick, that is. And fairy dust for all! May it cure your ills, help you lose weight, and give you the optimism of a Care Bear. $9.99 + Tax. 

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Speaking of staged, Gretchen Rossi and Slave finally appear. Gretch has these glasses on with full make-up and hair to sit around her living room and the effect is naughty teacher in a low-budg porn. Is that Grayson Enterprises next venture? They discuss Slade's son's health problems and how Slade is depressed by Grayson's medical issues. As he should be, but then he starts talking about how they need to continue living their own lives. 

The whole thing is utterly tragic and so sad – for Grayson – but Slave and Gretchen manage to make it all about them by turning on fake waterworks and whining about whether or not they should have their own baby while dealing with all of this. Right. So that makes sense. It's Gretchen's world and we're all just living in it rocking a sideswoop and some spackled on makeup. 

Heather and Tamra go shopping for workout clothing and in another staged moment, Heather gets an "unexpected" phone call offering her a guest role in the sitcom Hot In Cleveland. No audition, just come on down and be on our show. Heather is excited, which is nice, and she calls Terry who is also excited for her. Uneventful… until later.

Tamra tries to seek attention the whole time by telling Heather to get a boob lift cause if you want a flat chest with boobs to your ankles move back to NYC where women also eat carbs and don't come in colors ranging from day-glo to tequila sunrise. Yes, Heather – you should totally alter your appearance to fit in and then let's complain about how Alexis is like the fakest person to ever walk the face of the earth. 

And finally something exciting. It's Vicki Vs. Brooks: The Reunion. Vicki is wearing a fur coat straight out of the 1984 Mafia Bride Collection for JC Penny. Brooks procured it from Goodwill where it had previously been sitting in a drag queen's closet since they plucked it form the Penny's clearance rack in early '85. Brooks haggled the Goodwill employee down to $3.99, then ran it over with the Swiffer and wrapped it up for Vickums with a Hallmark card. Vicki cried and said this here, THIS HERE is truuuue love!

And what else is true love? Dating a passive-aggressive manipulator who guilt trips you into begging them to love you and pleading with you to not date other people. Which of course Brooks isn't dating other people unless we count the Mexican prostitutes because Vicki is his ticket to ride. Love Tank Emptied! Love Tank, baby, Love Tank! Love Tank Eeeeemptieed (sung to the tune of Love Shack). Mr. Affirmation isn't being very affirmative… did Vicki cancel his credit card?

Vicki cries, tells Brooks she is in love with him and he blames her for choosing her daughter over him and "changing the dynamic" of their relationship by letting Briana and Ryan make the rules. While I agree with him, everyone needs to stop micro-managing Vicki and laying emotional guilt trips on her. And she needs to stop getting plastic surgery in lieu of therapy and ovary up. Put your Loubs down girl and tell 'em all to back off. 

Including Tamra!

Over at the offices of Whining By Wives, she's bitching that Vicki is essentially absent in this business leaving her to do all the work. Despite Vicki's complete negligence to Tamra's needs, the business is thriving enough to warrant an office space complete with massive photos of Tamra and Vicki drinking wine. As if we need reminders of their extracurricular activities and pore sizes. 

Everyone stands around gossiping and making passive aggressive digs at Vicki, which seems to be the theme of this episode, and then Tamra announces a trip to wine country the following week which she hopes Vicki will show up to. 

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Being perfect is so hard! Why don't you appreciate me?!?!?! ME!

And in another case of partners letting other partners down, Heather, Terry, and their four impeccably behaved children go out to dinner to celebrate her new acting role. While the children sit politely helping each other with their homework, Heather pitches a big ol whiny tantrum about how Terry doesn't think she's important enough and doesn't value her. Apparently joking about her being on-set meaning the kids won't ever go to bed was undermining her as a mother, an actress, and a woman (ten points for whomever knows which real actress uttered that!).

Heather seriously threw a full-on fit and refused to accept Terry's apology! She "glazed" – GLAZED – like a donut, a stale one. Then stonewalled him while glowering at her phone. "I have to check my email!" she snapped. She's soooo important! Tamra might be emailing to complain about Alexis' hair being dyed or something.

So… um… Heather you know how Alexis had "rich girl problems" and needed therapy and Xanax? Yeah…  

"I don't ask that much for myself," Heather ranted about how Terry was insensitive to her amazingness. Doesn't her career as a reality star already dominate their family? Or is that just like no big in her mind?

Anyway, glaze on.

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH HEATHER AND TERRY? IS VICKI CHECKING OUT OF WHINING BY WIVES? 

 

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