Remember that Lindsay Lohan movie "Freaky Friday" where the mom became the kid and the kid suddenly morphed into the mom role after they were both struck by lightening or something? Yeah – that was last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey!
As the adults continued to behave childishly and bicker pettily over everything imaginable, the kids were able to give them a little lesson in communication, letting bygones be bygones, and focusing on the positive!
Before we get to all that, things begin with the cast recovering from the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. While none of them lost their primary homes, Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga both had their shore homes damaged. "My house… what happened??" they both wail – as a flood of last summer's empty bronzing bottles and sequined bikinis wash over their feet. 'All my marble deck furniture like suuuunk! Waaaah… and what about my rhinestone encrusted jet ski Joeeew' Ok – so the editors cut that out, but you KNOW that's what really happened!
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For all the cast members the Jersey shore is filled with memories. Particularly for Wallpaper Wakile and Retchie – see their one-summer rental home suffered some damage so naturally they had to pay it a visit and see if it was gonna be available for Bravo to reserve this summer.
And then worst of all – poor Kathy couldn't even call the producers to let them know it was in bad shape since the cell service was so shoddy! As if!
Teresa's house suffered the most damage and Jr. Mafia Joew tells her the entire first floor was filled with water. It's a good thing Teresa was in the marble mcmansion away from the beach, cause otherwise she would've like "drownded." Quick question: Is being drownded worser or betterer than being drowned?
Anyway, yada, yada, yada… Gorgadice Family Feud round 300: Poison and Teresa both miss and love each other, they haven't spoken for over a year, each feel they are not at fault for the problems. Melissa of course also blames Teresa. I refuse to take sides this season. Over it! Grow up famewhores. xoxo Love, Mary.
Counting their blessings, everyone is pitching in for the relief effort. Jacqueline Laurita is donating BLK water and the Manzos have filmed themselves with a "home video camera" lifting a few boxes. Yes, even Lauren helped.
But Teresa is doing the most off all. She gathers up some fashion essentials for the displaced Jersian: sequins, gold lame, leopard print, highly-flammable glittery materials. If I lost everything I can tell you the first thing I'd grab at the Goodwill is a leopard print monokini. #sarcasm However I'm from the south, not Jersey so I don't know…
Helping to assemble the glammarelief kits are Teresa's daughters and there is *MILANIA* tottering around in mommy's heels, looking adorable. Milania tells Teresa she really misses and loves her Tio and Tia, but most Antonia. Awwww… So sad.
Over at Wallpaper's house, it's all about Rosie and her dating life. Rosie is rocking a new… perm. Oh girl. Rosie complains about meeting some woman online who purported to be hot, but in real life she was Tan Mom or something and Rosie isn't interested in dating a washed up hag. OK then. Next
Antonia comes home from school rocking a gold vest and a letter to Milania asking her to come over and play. She misses her cousin too. Cue Melissa alll worried and stuff that if Milania comes in contact with her perfectly behaved daughter, Antonia will star chucking chicken nuggets at people and bellowing "old troll" on national TV.
Melissa may want to be Teresa in almost every aspect, but not that one!
After going back and forth and wavering about whether or not the evil Juicy girls should be allowed access to her pristine little angel since Teresa "talks" about Melissa in front of the girls, Melissa decides Antonia should send Milania the letter.
And at the Juicys, Milania is interrupted from WWF slamming a giant teddy bear and putting Gabriella in a scissor hold for a mail call. MELANIA (named spelled wrong) has mail from Antonia. Milania is thrilled, and while she is momentarily distracted Gabriella runs for cover in the veggie drawer of the gold swathed fridge, since she knows Milania will never look for her there!
How cute are Milania and Antonia setting the example for their adult parents. Six going on 40 … and 40 trapped at 16!
Gia is disconcerted about the invite and points out that Melissa recently threw a party for Antonia and didn't invite them. It was on twitter apparently. Teresa slooowly processes this and then decides they should call Antonia anyway to invite her over. Gia wanders into the garage where Juicy is kicking a punching bag – I thought Hurricane Sandy was good for his economy???? – and she tells him about the letter.
Juicy tells Gia it's not their fault Melissa and Poison suck and she shouldn't worry about it. Then he goes back to living out his Chuck Norris fantasies on Andy Cohen's face.
Le sigh: I'm conflicted. On one hand Gia is twelve and able to access her own information. I am 100% positive her friends at school, social media (which ALL tweens are involved in), cell phones, etc contributed to her knowing about the family issues. Also what child doesn't eavesdrop. I totally did! HOWEVER, I do not think Teresa and Joe should be discussing it with her in an adult way.
Finally we catch up with the Manzos. Caroline Manzo has a brand new apartment. Apparently Albie and Crissofart have not returned home and Lauren is slowly leaving. Caroline said she had one foot out the door. I guess one lapband still remains in the foyer. Does this mean The Ham Game is dead?
Caroline and Al have rented in Hoboken. And their living there has absolutely nothing, nada, not one thing to do with the boys living in Hoboken too! Nope not. at. all. Uh huh. And Albert's "pervert binoculars" aka telescope that is set up in the living room is not at all an Albie and Crissofart spy apparatus. Apparently Albert has been keeping tabs on the neighbor's oral sex proclivities from it as well. #gross.
Caroline and Lauren have Melissa and Poison over to see the new place and talk Giudices.
They fill Caroline in on all the latest; no one has seen each other for over a year, the girls miss each other, blah, blah, blah. Poison is sad; Caroline loves Poison and wishes Melissa would just disappear. At that moment Melissa decides to text Teresa and offer to pick Antonia and Milania up for a playdate instead.
Teresa consults with the wine-soaked lump of salami she is having dinner with (his name is Juicy) about what to do. He mouths some crap and which was essentially "Who cares!" Teresa decides to text back that she'll pick the girls up or something. It goes back and forth with Caroline and myself both making stabbing motions towards Terlissa. Nothing is resolved per the usual.
Let's talk Juicy shall we? Teresa admits FINALLY that last year was their hardest year. Y'all think… But now they are "stronger than ever"! He does seem lighter, fresher, and more involved this season doesn't he? Maybe? Something was… different… Botox?
Caroline complains that the arguments between Terlissa are "childish" and she's over it. She complains that Melissa essentially does as much to instigate and perpetuate the situation as Teresa does and therefore she's going to reach out to Poison alone to try and help him come to a resolution.
Now THIS – this here – is interesting! The most interesting development of last night! Is Caroline equally annoyed with Melissa as she is with Teresa? All signs point to yes on my RHONJ Magic Hate Ball. Caroline says Melissa is too entrenched in the situation to see things clearly and Teresa is oddly obsessed with Poison and too competitive. I'm liking this new "unbiased" Caroline even if it's only a ploy to sell books no one apparently bought!
Caroline pays Jacqueline a visit to fill her in on her plan to steal Poison away from the two evil wenches and lock him away in the tower that is her Hoboken apartment. Al will never notice
since he doesn't live there. #BrownstoneApartment
Jacqueline bangs her head against the table, pretends she has to pee, and guzzles a bottle of wine in the powder room. Then she smooths her plasticine face down so it's less inflated, sits down in the interview chamber, and tells us she cares about the Gorga/Giudice family issues about as much as she cares about bleaching her a$$hole.
I guess her stripper days truly are over! And thank you for that ever so classy porn reference, Wackin Jacqueline!
Earlier they showed Jacqueline working with her son Nicholas to develop his language. Nicholas is the cutest little boy and CJ is adorable too. I don't want to comment too much on this since it was a lovely, innocent scene and something I'd like to see more of instead of Reunion Jacqueline with her twitter masochism disorder.
Speaking of Gia growing up, she is twelve now and wants to be a teenager. Teresa takes her shopping at Posche Jr. where micro bandage skirts are all the norm for the under 14 set. Teresa wisely vetoes it even though Gia tells her she likes a boy. Teresa has not told Gia about the Birds & The Bees since she hasn't gotten her "monthly bill" yet and this is the type of adorable Teresa we love.
Gia is embarrassed by everything her mom does, says, touches, and suggests and then reminds Teresa that her fashion sense in high school consisted of teal leggings and white pumps. Teresa is like my fashion sense STILL consists of that – is that bad? Gia breaks Terea's heart a bit when she scoffs at leopard print. After Teresa returns from crying in the dressing room about how she's failed as a mother, the subject of the Antonia/Milania playdate is broached.
Melissa texts Teresa to let her know she wants to take the girls to some jewelry making store. In that moment Teresa and Gia have a "Freaky Friday" exchange. Teresa is stupefied about what to do. She doesn't want to abandon Milania to the evil she-witch former stripper, aka her Tia. Gia, who immediately morphs into 30, commandeers the phone, informs Teresa that SHE is the mother and has the right to weigh in on the plan, and sends Melissa a very adult text message informing her that Teresa AND Milania will meet Melissa and Antonia at the bead store for a playdate. I believe Gia even used proper grammar.
Dang – this little girl is one helluva an executive assistant. Screw the bandage skirts, get her in some power suits ASAP! Maybe Gia is writing Teresa's cookbooks? Teresa seems pleased with how things were handled and hands Gia a twenty, 'Thanks boo,' she says, 'but I'm still not letting you get that micromini!'
And the day of the playdate has finally arrived. Holy hell was that mess awkward. I was frantically looking around for the Valium bin in that bead store!
At one point I'm sure Antonia asked for a blowdryer and a flat iron to straighten Melissa and Teresa out and thaw the situation.
Before Melissa heads off into the great unknown, Poison informs her that he is meeting Caroline for a one-on-one. Melissa is wary and not impressed and makes a note in her iPhone to withhold sex until the following week. Oh – there is so some tension between Caroline and Melissa. Love it!
In the car on the way there both girls ask their respective moms about why they haven't seen their aunt and cousins. Neither have an answer. Juicy calls and tells Milania to have fun with "horsey face". Not appropriate. Or productive. Great example, loser.
Teresa arrives first and oooohs and aaaahs over a beaded and bedazzled sink. As soon as Melissa waltzes through the door she spies the sink and wants it. I am more convinced than ever that these two are the products a secret government cloning project….
Milania gives Antonia her birthday gift. #shade Apparently the thing all six-year-olds covet is an iPod 5 and Poison and Melissa have been abusing Antonia because she only had has a 4. I think I have a 2? Teresa says Milania picked it out, but really it was probably some free swag Teresa scored and threw in a gift bag.
During beading, Melissa is giving the girls a lot of instructions about what to do. Milania rolls her eyes, puts her hand in Melissa's face and says, 'Listen – stop raining on our parade. Pink and red are my power bitch colors and they do not clash. Now, sashay away.'
Across the table Teresa has the same expression as Milania and sulks about how boring and bossy Melissa is. I think she was taking notes to report back to Kim D.
Terlissa start discussing communion dates. Their daughters have the same one, but Teresa offers to move her party so everyone can attend. We now know that that didn't happen. But at least they were discussing things #babysteps and at least Teresa was being the bigger person.
At Caroline's meeting with Poison, he's crying or something so she holds him and strokes his hair. Mommy Manzo offers to reach out to Teresa and speak to her about ending this awful Poison abuse. It's not fair to her delicate little man. Meanwhile in an apartment in Hoboken, Albie is stabbing pins into his Poison shaped voodoo doll. How dare he replace him! I guess he'll have to move back home now…
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – THOUGHTS ON EPISODE ONE?