I'm just gonna say it – I'm over this crap. Yep, I just called Real Housewives of New Jersey "crap" so nana-nana-boo-boo. Look I'm as mature as the castmembers now!
So last night was part one of the so-called "epic" season finale. It was pretty much rehashing of last season's season finale except there will be actual fist fighting. So they took last season and made it more trashy! Lovely, Bravo. Really just lovely.
Before all that, we were rendered temporarily deaf by Melissa Gorga attempting to sing. While I was holding my head and cringing, Bravo threw Penny Karagiorgis, her Wal-mart extensions ripped off from a Barbie Halloween costume, and Teresa Giudice shrieking at each other in my face.
It's a miracle I did not spontaneously combust right here on my non-made-of-marble sofa while drinking my non-fabellini alcoholic beverage. Maybe next week…
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Sadly things begin with Melissa and Poison packing for Orlando where Melissa is gonna be the world's first middle-aged pop star who can't sing nor dance. Some sort of amazing grace certainly did save the wench, or as Poison refers to her singing "an angel from God." I don't know what kind of angels Poison is associating with, but I don't think they're from god. #AmericanHorrorStory
Anyway, Melissa's "manager" Johnny Wright is having her out to his "compound" where the brilliance that is JT, Britney, and Backstreet Boys was formed. He gives her the opportunity to sing live on the radio and if the radio station likes her she gets to perform at some big festival for 150,000
victims people. Unfortunately the first criteria for success is actually being able to sing.
Since Melissa can't meet that minimum requirement, she reminds them she is on RHONJ and that has an audience of millions so like maybe they can cross-promote! Sold! Johnny Wright definitely has a show coming out – just wait.
Since Johnny knows Melissa can't sing and he needs something to make him chuckle on a bad day, like when JT only sells 1 million records instead of 3, he sends Melissa off for voice lessons. I'd rather have cameltoe. In a job interview. Than listen to Melissa without autotune. From the other room my husband came racing in thinking I was watching the reject auditions from American Idol. Then he burst out laughing – which is funny because that's what the cast of RHONJ did when they heard Melissa's performance on the radio. They all laughed, except for Kathy Wakile who managed to say she prefers "Rock Star" to "Never Let Me Go."
Listen Melissa, seriously, I don't care what Johnny is saying – never let go of autotune. You can't sing, live or otherwise, and it's cool – neither can I, but I accept and admit that. Gia says Melissa has catchy songs. Through his haze of poisony lust, Poison calls his wife "Melissa Gaga". I call her Melissa Gag-Me. I would love to see Melissa in a Gaga costume, though! #dreams
On to Teresa – she and Jacqueline Laurita are besties again, or as Jacqueline says, "Lucy and Ethel are back!" Since Lucy and Ethel never, ever learn from their mistakes they head over to Posche for a little shopping – just like the good ol' days. Kim D, who literally is a gangster in stilettos (sorry Victoria Gotti – you ain't about about that Poshce4Life! YOLO!), is up to her old tricks.
Pouring wine down Terucy and Jaquel's gullets and stuffing them into cameltoe jumpsuits (Teresa says she thinks cameltoe is hot.), Kim tells them she is opening a salon/boutique called Posche 2. Cause Posche: Original Tacky doesn't cause enough problems?!
Anyway, there will be a big opening party – and all the girls are invited. Included Poison. Oh yeah and that Penny person. Who is suddenly NOT Teresa's friend. In fact, suddenly she's Teresa's nemesis since she is telling Melissa and Joe
the truth that Teresa is behind all the DESTROY MELISSA plots.
Kim's reason for inviting Penny is that she shops at Posche, which is Kim's reason for doing everything. Said person shops there and she can't offend a customer.
Teresa says she is not phased by Penny From The Block,
cause she'll go Patterson on her ass, cause she's gonna be "calm as a cucumber". 'Of course you will,' soothes Kim D. Teresa always says she's gonna be calm as a cucumber when she's in a pickle (see what I did there?!).
Next Teresa meets up with another friendly foe, Victoria Gotti. You may remember her from Teresa's Celebrity Apprentice days when they hated each other – or not, apparently they're like for real friends. Is Victoria a fan of Milania Hair Care? They drink Fabellinis – of course – and it's obvious Victoria was called by producers to take Teresa out to lunch, get her loaded, and prod her about her legal issues. You know, mafia style! And if Teresa doesn't listen Victoria is gonna cut off her extensions, one by one!
Victoria asks Teresa what's happening with Juicy and the slammer. Teresa immediately clams up (over clams, I might add). Her reaction is priceless – she so was not expecting that. Teresa was probably thinking 'Oh shit… does Victoria know I'm headed to jail too?!' Anyway, Victoria gives her some advice about kids and prison and Teresa smiles and nods, but sadly doesn't take the bait. So lame!
Over at the Wallpapers, Joseph turned 17 and Richie bought him a brand new white Jeep to catch some chicks. He put a champagne bottle balloon on top which Kathy lectures promotes drinking and driving. It probably wasn't the best choice, but they were all out of Playboy Bunny balloons and the blow up doll didn't stay airborne even with helium, so what's a man to do but pick the next best inappropriate thing. Especially because all-white Jeeps make your penis grow "2 inches" – according to Richie, the desperate loser's philosopher.
Everything about this scene reminded me of 16 Candles. I bet Joseph will show everyone Victoria's panties at Homecoming and promise girls cannoli and a ride in his dad's Ferrari if they just show him their bras. Watch out for wayward birth control, kiddo!
In preparation for their spinoff, the Manzo boys are opening Little Town NJ. They're worried about ketchup, cause Albie hates ketchup. And Caroline Manzo is worried about Albie worrying about ketchup. Cause Albie hates ketchup. And it might touch him. And she better get the babywipes ready to clean off his hands cause he can't handle ketchup on him and it might get on his clothes. Al tells her to shut-it and shoots her a withering glance. Caroline says Al is right that she smoothers her boys like gravy on a meatball.
The Caroline is certainly changing her storyline – wasn't she all miss I'm a mutha, I'll die for my fambly. Thick as thieves. My children are my life, until oooohhh… today?! Anyway, Al was proud of them for opening their restaurant, but he doesn't like the butter. It's not as good as the Brownstones. Well duh – I mean BLK doesn't belong in butter!
Did I mention Teresa came with Juicy, who literally just stuffed food in his mouth scene after scene. Does she feed him in his cage or is Milania neglecting her pet care responsibilities?
So then it's time for the brawl to be set-up. It starts with Jacqueline and Chris discussing how Johnny The Greek was allegedly saying they were lying about Nicholas having autism for a storyline or something. Look – that is completely shitty. I hope he never said that. Did I mention, earlier that Melissa and Poison were pretending they had no idea this Johnny person who harasses them on twitter was Penny's husband. #GiveItUp.
On the day of the Posche 2 party, Poison is coaching Melissa on how she's gonna confront Penny and Johnny cause they are behind the cheating rumors and if Teresa is involved. Melissa is dubious about some of the things Penny knows – things that could only have come from a certain sister-in-law of hers, such as the tweet about her not visiting her FIL at the hospital.
Poison starts to get riled up but Melissa does her damsel in distress act and begs him to let it go. Of course. She stirs the pot with him and then she's like 'Oh no, no – let's just forget it. I mean we know Teresa did everything, but let's not do anything about. We're moving past that. I mean she is such a lying bitch who told everyone I cheated and stripped. But I think you should forgive her.' Melissa really just doesn't want to be forced into equine therapy again. It ruined her manicure.
At the party everyone is fine until Penny shows up. Then Melissa, Jacqueline and their husblobs stand around awkwardly and forced; talking about how they can't believe this Greek and his twittering and they need to confront him or some ish. It was so staged and inauthentic.
Jacqueline starts casing out Penny, following her by her foot-long straight ironed extensions and then she confronts her about the Nicholas comments. First Penny wasn't involved, cause she teaches autism (huh?!). Then she was told to tweet that stuff by a certain someone. Then she was threatened with a deep conditioning treatment and a hair color found in nature and was forced. Jacqueline isn't buying it and proving that she's done with this, she holds Penny accountable for her actions because she is an adult and can make her own decisions.
Melissa sidles over and asks to speak to Penny, with Teresa. Penny immediately tells Melissa Teresa is behind everything and set up last years's strippergate and this season's cheating nonsense. Teresa starts doing her Patterson Barbie act, and they're pointing at each other and sassing. Teresa's neck is moving back and forth and her Milania Hair Care extensions are trembling; she calls Penny a liar. She cusses. She's mad. She ain't no calm as a cucumber. "Is bitch bettah?!"
I'm sorry – I could only focus on Penny's hair. Are those Kim D's reject extensions from last season's RHONJ finale? So curious!
As Teresa is, yet again, caught in the crossfire of family drama, Melissa looks on with fake wide-expressions. She's been waiting ever so patiently for this moment to come. For the 300th time, Teresa and Melissa are BOTH to blame and I'm sick of the Melissa Gorga Victim Show.
Proving that alcohol is sometimes a truth serum, Jacqueline insightfully says that Teresa started all this mess with Penny and it engulfed her. Soon she was in over her head and unable to control the monster she had created, nurtured, and delighted in. Classic Frankenstein story. Suddenly the beast Teresa raised was also turning on her and when Teresa wanted the beast to back off she realized she no longer held the reigns.
And now the monster had a mind of its own. Except the monster isn't very smart, but it is very hungry. Hungry for Teresa's empire and her fame. And soon Teresa wasn't just facing one monster in Melissa, she was facing many – and they were all out to get her. I'll be accepting my Pulitzer next week. Cliffnotes For RHONJ.
Next week, Johnny appears and the brawl erupts. Teresa tearfully confronts Poison.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – MELISSA'S SINGING: NOT THAT BAD OR I NEED EARDRUM REPLACEMENT SURGERY? IS PENNY LYING ABOUT TERESA'S INVOLVEMENT?