Last night on Vanderpump Rules everyone was obsessed with cheating that wasn't going on. 

Things begin with Jax Taylor remembering that he probably would trade Stassi Schroeder in for another psycho. He's modeling for Kitson – male mooodleing is such chaaaaallenging work – especially when you have a famewhore girl model telling you how hot you look.

Actually what really happened is that she saw Jax's tat for Stassi and realized "easy mark" I could swoop in and have sex with this guy and he'd leave Psychossi for me in a heartbeat and then I'd get to be on TeeVee. ME! 

Despite wanting Stassi back, Jax is a little vague about whether or not he's in a relationship. I mean I guess it's hard to explain that you let some girl carry your balls around in a pseudo designer bag and then you go vacuum her apartment every single time she gives them a squeeze. I mean the average stranger might not understand the deep and beautiful nature of their love. 


Stassi just has high expectations of Jax because she cares. And one of those high expectations includes NO MODELING WITH GIRLS! Ever since Jax cheated on her like 15 years ago when they weren't really dating and she was possibly sleeping with Frank, Stassi made a set of rules Jax has to carry around in his wallet on one of those plastic cards. One of the rules is no getting within 30 feet of the opposite sex unless she is a BBW ("Big Boned Woman"). More on that later…

So lemme get this straight: Stassi wants Jax to have a career because bartending is for losers. Yet modeling, his primary career, he isn't allowed to do for fear he may touch another woman. I see this relationship going places… Places like murder-suicide.Or jail. 

Maybe Jax could change that tattoo to say "Stupid" or "Sucker" instead of Stassi

Jax comes over to Stassi's apartment to grovel with wine. She couldn't care less that he's there but her pupils dilate and her lipstick drools at the sight of the bottle of wine. "Gimme" the lil wino that couldn't barks. Then she demands Jax do housework while Schlossi berates him over his future. Jax explains that he had to take the modeling job because he's hoping to get his "Sweater Line" into Kitson! SWEATER LINE. We-eee-eeee-eeee-l. 

Stassi is like just because you say you have a sweater line and you doodled a couple sweater pictures on the iPad using the Squiggles app DOESN'T MEAN IT F–KING EXISTS. I have to agree with her, but I also have to laugh until I pee myself at the thought of their relationship hinging on the fruition of a sweater line.

The other thing Jax's poor life has been reduced to is watching porn. Like all porn. Any porn. Stassi doesn't care cause it's not like she wants to touch Sweaters over there, but she is extremely amused that he has started watching BBW porn. Big, boned women porn. Fat people are just like icky and hilarious and OMG – Jax likes fat girls! Na-na-naaaa-naaaaaaa-NAH! 

I seriously need to punch these two. Like really. I was thisclose to shaking my TV. 

Speaking of people I need to shake, Kristen Doute is back at SUR and she doesn't want to be, but alas, what's a girl with no other job and a lackluster acting career to do?! Kristina, some new acolyte of Stassi's (Anonymous Stassi Friend 2.0), sneers that Kristen smells like old coffee and cigarettes. I would add Aqua Net to that list. Poor girl she's like a walking red neck bar! 

Tom 1 is at home wooing Kristen after their 3 zillionth fight. That includes buying some tacky home decor on the clearance rack at CB2. Love, ladies and gentlemen, love. Oh! And they had sex. And no one spontaneously combusted because like 17 years ago Tom's penis touched another girls love tunnel and the residue was still there KRISTEN COULD TELL AND HOW DARE HE GO NEAR ANOTHER WOMAN WHILE SHE WAS ALIVE ON THIS EARTH. Maybe his high school self should have realized four score and 7 years from now Kristen would exist.  

Whatever – she's at SUR and, speaking of "other women", so is reported Tom 1 fling Ariana, who also happens be Scheana Marie Famewhore's BFF. I smell troubahl! And it smells like rancid wine, cheap lipstick, and cigarettes! 

Ariana hates everyone at SUR except for Scheana, which is fine because everyone hates her too. Except Tom 1 who is her "good friend" and he's training her in the ways of the bar. Jax started a rumor that Tom 1 and Ariana hooked up – some friend he is – and Stassi takes it upon herself to investigate by probing Scheana. Apparently Stassi believes Scheana is so stupid and desperate she'll do anything to be Stassi's friend including dish on Ariana! 

Except Stassi was wrong. Because Ariana is basically Stassi and now Stassi has met her match. And now SUR will explode and Lisa Vanderpump will be walking around the rubble holding a Pom musing, "What's going on here? Ken… what happened? Oh and my brand new bar. Is that Jax's arm over there? I'd recognize that hideous tattoo anywhere. Oh lookee Ken – this is so sad – there's Scheana's false eyelash and one of her grey plastic teeth. Tut-tut."

Scheana won't talk. And Ariana isn't scared cause she's prettier than Stassi. Smarter than Stassi and Kristen is no competition cause she's an ugly loser and knows Tom 1 is out of her league. I would hate this except I am salivating at the thought of Ariana Vs. Stassi and destroying SUR as we know it! 

Which is already happening. Kristen, Stassi, And Anonymous Stassi friends 1 & 2 go to brunch where they talk about how none of their boyfriends will have sex with them (bad sign ladies!). Kristen wants to know why Stassi was having cocktails with Scheana, the harlot enemy.

Stassi says she was just being a good friend trying to find out if Ariana slept with Tom. They get in a fight about how Kristen is in denial about her rman – which is JUST. SO. IRONIC. coming from Stassi – and then Stassi dismisses her to leave. I bet she later sent her a bill for the risotto balls and the lemontini.

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