Shahs of Sunset is a mess. Last night, Asa Soltan Rahmati thought it would be a really fantastic idea for Mercedes "MJ" Javid and Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi to fake be nice to each other in order to bring Reza Farahan and Mike Shouhed together again. Fool proof, right? They all got drunk and argued about a buttery chocolate croissant for hours.
First, Mike wakes up the morning after the Diamond Water party, and Jessica tells him it was a disaster. Mike admits he doesn't remember much of what happened at the party, but he says his friendship with Reza is important to him.
Asa invites MJ and GG to her house for lunch. Good news, MJ wears a real shirt over her corset. Bad news, it isn't long before she's falling out of it. Worse news, MJ's as annoying as ever. Season three MJ is such a disappointment to me. MJ brings Asa an orchid and she wears sunglasses. GG brings Asa an orchid and she wears sunglasses. So MJ complains about GG copying her. How could GG have known about MJ's orchid? And isn't it always sunny in CA? Anyway, lunch is awkward, but GG and MJ come to a truce. MJ admits using Leila to get to GG was crappy. GG thinks MJ's apology is lacking but accepts it.
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Apparently, MJ, Asa, and GG plan a group trip (minus Lilly Ghalichi because she's so last season) to the Del Mar racetrack, hoping Reza and Mike will kiss and make up. It's MJ's job to get Mike there. It's Asa's job to get Reza there. I'm going to guess it's GG's job to make sure there is enough alcohol there to ruin the day. They're each successful.
MJ visits Mike at his office, which used to be her office before Reza ripped her to shreds last season. MJ and Reza are besties again, but it remains Mike's office. However, since Reza is nowhere to be found and Mike can't be bothered to learn how to sell a residential property without him holding his hand, he uses the office to daydream about running with the Big Ballers. But I digress.
Mike hesitates to accept MJ's invitation to Del Mar. She promises to have his back, adding, "I will not let Reza get away with anything that's out of line without standing up for you." As soon as Mike agrees to come, MJ changes the subject to finding herself a man at the track.
Meanwhile, Asa brings Reza to yoga, and it's gross. Instructor says we tend to run away from uncomfortable sensations. I want to run away from this sweaty, bent over Reza on my TV. Reza feels a deep connection to the instructor hired by Bravo to set up the scene perfectly. Of course. Reza, too, agrees to come to Del Mar. He says there's too much history with Mike to not try.
Oh look, it's Lilly, and she's having a charity closet sale. Some friend (who is a stranger and irrelevant to us) shows up to help her decide what to sell, and Lilly shrieks, "You're DOnatING red bottoms?!?" Lilly refuses to part with her red bottoms and we get a lesson in Foot Boogers.
It's fascinating! Next!
Oh look, it's Lilly again, and now she's cooking with Asa. Lilly doesn't know her herbs and whines about getting food under her nails. Asa's like, you have to do this if you want to get married and cook for your Persian husband one day, and Lilly's like, maybe he'll cook for me! Yes! I agree with Lilly. "Do I really have to massage raw meat to be a good wife?" asks Lilly. America snickers. "Can't I hire someone to do that?" adds Lilly. America says, yes, they're called hookers.
Next, the trip to Turkey comes up, and Asa gets super annoyed with Lilly when she says her family travels to Iran at least three times a year. "Traveling to Iran is not dangerous," continues Lilly. "Nobody is going to throw you in jail because your grandpa did this or your uncle did that. Nobody cares." Asa insists she cannot go to Iran because she's a refugee. Lilly asks Asa if she ever tried. #crickets Bitch face from Asa. #crickets Is Lilly suggesting Asa exaggerates her situation for attention, pity, to make herself sound more interesting? I don't know. But Asa is not happy with Miss Lilly.
It's Del Mar day – and MJ cannot find anything to wear. She can't zip or button anything and complains about being cranky and hungry. There's a Rolls limo waiting outside. When MJ finally comes out of her apartment in a strapless (oh no) black and white dress and obnoxious red hat, GG walks up looking fab.
"GG looks like Victoria Beckhem wearing this dress that downplayed her waist and her hat was beautiful," whines a jelly MJ. "I'm going to drink to deal with this – what else would anyone in their right mind do?" Um, just off the top of my head, diet and exercise? Buy clothes in the right size? Hire a stylist? There are endless solutions to MJ's problem – but she'd rather get plastered.
Now in the limo, Mike says hello to Reza, who hesitates before returning the favor. Mike offers Reza a bottle of champagne as a peace offering – and GG declares NO MORE FIGHTING. HAHAHA. Mike agrees and says it's toxic to have hatred in your heart. Reza's like, hold up. "Hatred?!" Reza calls out Mike for saying he isn't "weak" like MJ. Now MJ's like, hold up. "How dare you!" MJ calls Mike helpless – and then she gets in GG's face for no apparent reason. Already, GG's slurring her words, and MJ's smirking over her digs. Good times.
Along the way, the limo stops at Starbucks, where Mike tells MJ to NOT eat a buttery chocolate croissant. They all harp about the buttery chocolate croissant for the rest of the day. Buttery Chocolate Croissant is the new Stassi's Birthday. "When was the last time I had a chocolate croissant?" asks MJ. "You had a cookie and a bag of chips yesterday," says Mike. Rinse. And. Repeat. Longest car ride ever! I would have thrown myself out a window and under a wheel.
"Persians love a box," says Reza at Del Mar. "Persians do not like to sit in the common area. They like to sit in a private box." The common folk who avoid this group are the lucky ones here. Clearly. Meanwhile, MJ, still whining about GG's fab look, says she's relying on her inner beauty to shine through an ugly dress and hat. Oy. I really hope she has a plan B. "How can you make the crazier one look prettier than the nice one?" adds MJ. "Not fair."
Too much alcohol and too much childish arguing happens next. GG makes fun of MJ when she brags about being hit on. Mike laughs. MJ calls Mike a total loser for calling her fat. Mike offers MJ a cheeseburger slider. MJ tells Mike he's an ignorant low dwelling piece of sh-t. Remember when MJ promised to have Mike's back? HAHAHA.
Then, Reza tries to talk to Mike about their fight, but MJ refuses to keep her mouth shut. So Reza and Mike take their conversation to the hallway and away from the drunk child who should have just eaten the #$@&% croissant and moved on with her day. Mike and Reza talk and even hug it out. They're friends again. For now.
Back in Hell, MJ says she's never forgiving GG, and GG goes CRAZY. To the camera, she says, "MJ goes into everybody's business and talks sh-t. She's being a complete d-ck." MJ asks, "Are you still drunk?" GG snarks, "Are you ever sober?" GG goes on to tell MJ to just go ahead and be friends with Leila because shady knows shady. GG smacks MJ's hat off her head. MJ calls GG a piece of sh-t.
Reza takes his "girl" MJ away from GG. And MJ declares she will NEVER go to Turkey what that WHORE. GG speaks the truth – but her delivery is, um, too crazy. Asa makes excuse for days – MJ's mommy was mean to her! – but Mike and GG aren't having it. "She's 40 years old," says Mike. "You can't excuse that." GG says enough is enough. Asa is like, but MJ is your sister. GG points out that she already has a sister that stabs her in the back, she doesn't want another one.
TELL US – DOES ASA EXAGGERATE HER REFUGEE SITUATION? WAS MJ OUT OF LINE AT DEL MAR? WAS GG?
Photo Credit: Bravo