Is it true? Has the day really come? Can I finally stop talking about the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion? I mean, how many hours of this three-ring circus have we been subjected to? What was last night hour 475? I chugged a
5 Hour Energy drink vodka soda and settled in for two hours of she-said/she-said-you're dumb-annnnd now here comes the husbands! Oh and the husbands, they sure showed up. Or at least Apollo Nida did. He was gunning for Kenya Moore's title as Queen of the Krazies!
Of all the things that happened last night it was the deafening silence of Kenya in the wake of Phaedra Parks' atomic bomb of verbal destruction. At some point, Kenya, realizing she had not a friend in the eaves, gave up. She just resorted to the silent game, but it was because she was trying not to cry.
Kenya can match any of these broads with her outlandishness, wild accusations, and sheer commitment to getting the job done. NeNe Leakes is easy – she's all loud buffoonery and nebulous threats. Kandi Burruss is just gonna say her bit – loudly – and then get teary eyed, but nobody hates Kandi enough to truly come for her. Cynthia Bailey perpetually wears an expression that says, 'Please don't kick me – I'm already down!" there's no satisfaction in gunning for her. And Porsha Stewart, well, she just gets louder and wilder and self-destructs on a comical level. But Phaedra… Phaedra does not shake.
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Phaedra is an institution of shade. She is a pillar of unflappability that try as the winds of Krayonce might, cannot uproot. And I think last night Kenya finally figured it out. Phaedra might throw cheap jabs at Kenya over her man-less, barren-ness (not to be confused with baroness), but at her core Phaedra is not playing. Phaedra is the "Head Doctor" in a whole different way – meaning she will f–k with your head Keyser Soze style. Kenya needs to enter the witness protection program if she ever hopes to be freed from the wrath, because her game was up and over and duly lost. Enough about this – let's break down the arguments and Apollo's descent down the river of mother f–king denial!
NayNay vs. Krayonce
So Kenya and NeNe both think they rule this show. And here they are: two crooked queens fighting for control when the true ruler is Andy, watching them spar for sport. Scepters vs. Lace Fronts: go!
Kenya and NeNe bicker like the true classy, elegant women they are – about Marlo Hampton. Kenya claims NeNe issued an ultimatum that if Marlo films with her, NeNe is done with their friendship. She whips out some text message with the intent to threaten (why does Kenya have the ugliest Ottrbox ever, BTW?), but NeNe is like yeah – SO! I did that. I saaayed that.
NeNe says she went out of her way to help Marlo, but it was never enough. Marlo's unquenchable need to be on TeeVee allowed her to sell a friendship down famewhore river. Cynthia, comes out of her stupor (seriously – what was wrong with her last night? Back-stage shock treatment? Fear? Scepter wedged in an unmentionable location? Chloroform?), to agree that NeNe and Marlo's friendship was on the skids long before Kenya took advantage of an available opportunity.
Here in lies NeNe's problem – she doesn't have friends. She has recipients of her "help" that are grasping and nefarious, much like herself. In exchange for her help, NeNe expects loyalty, but when NeNe's frankenfriends take on a life of their own they think they no longer need NeNe's help so she can no longer control them.
Kandi and NeNe get into it. Using Mama Joyce's insanity to bolster her own position, NeNe stated in her Bravo blog that she would never behave that way. Kandi thinks it's out of line for NeNe to discuss her mama when Kandi would never use NeNe's family dramas to make a point. NeNe refuses to apologize because well, if NeNe apologized the earth would open up and the devil would snatch her right back. So NeNe just keeps saying that's how she felt at the time, while Kandi once again defends Mama Joyce (Stop already, Kandi) and points out that NeNe is a hypocrite. Which, yeah – NeNe is. A hypocrite, who according to Kenya, buys her gums from Petco and her wigs from Toys R Us. Which is ironic coming from a woman who buys her butt from Mexico (or Home Depot) and her men from Craigslist, and her storylines from Phaedra, and her babies from the Cabbage Patch factory.
Andy delves into the charity debacle and NeNe states that she apologized in her blog for the way she allowed Kenya to take her out of character because she wants young women to be aware of wolves in sheep's clothing. Andy questions Kenya about the charity's statement that they never received donations – Kenya claims she wasn't responsible for making sure the donations from HER charity event got to the charity in question.
And then NeNe issues a challenge – she will donate $20,000 to any charity Kenya chooses, if Kenya will match that donation. Kenya pauses for a full 5 minutes - the wind knocked out of her – before agreeing. NeNe has $20,000? Are those Trump Checks? The ones they give out in Atlantic City to be used as vouchers for the midnight buffet? Maybe Kenya can check in the reunion sofa cushions for loose change, but she's sitting next to Cynthia, so…
Finally, Pillow Talk Party. Kenya claims NeNe instigated and NeNe, of course, does not feel she's at fault. Kenya states while she was getting mic'd she heard NeNe ranting about how Kenya was late because the producers were setting Kenya up to be "the star of the show." Now that sounds a lot like Kenya's delusions talking. Kandi stifles a laugh and speaks for the group in claiming she never heard all that. Later a clip is shown of NeNe sarcastically calling Kenya 'the star' but it's clear that was sarcasm. Kenya – if you're gonna lie, tell a lie people may believe. But she never seems to get that fine point…
After all of this, including insinuations Kenya made that NeNe is on drugs, NeNe will never forgive Kenya – or her character flaws. So, Bye Felicia (is she the Invisible Housewife only Kenya sees?).
Cynthia's claim to fame this season has been fibroids, Peter's misbehavior, and money problems. Nothing to see here folks! Cynthia says her fibroids are fixed and her sex life [insert Kenya-style long pause here] is better. Andy asks her about Peter's not so secretive desire to cheat and Cynthia replies, “I’m really grateful that he didn’t go and have sex with someone else, because I almost couldn’t really be mad at him.” Right. Ok… so these two really didn't learn anything useful at either one of Pillow Talk parties we were subjected to this season! Watching Cynthia awkwardly defend Peter is as uncomfortable as watching her awkwardly defend NeNe!
In other news, Cynthia and Peter are now buying Bar One. And then Cynthia lapses back into her coma.
Apollo comes out in some sort of MTV Movie Awards version of a suit. He sits next to Phaedra who looks like she wishes he would move over and sit next to Kenya. Her expression said, "You two deserve each other." Apollo says he and Phaedra are working on their marriage and have never been separated. Phaedra's facial expressions and body language say, "I'll be filing for divorce very shortly, but in the meantime he's living in the stock room at Bar One."
Apollo also says they've been in counseling. He does know theres a difference between a marriage counselor and meeting with your legal counsel, correct? Judging by Phaedra's side-eye I'll take that as a no.
Phaedra describes their marriage as, "Apollo is his own man. He does what he wants to do and I do what I need to do to keep our family intact.” Interpretation: He will get nothing in the divorce settlement. Not even commissary money. A clip is shown of Phaedra and Apollo arguing after the Pillow Talk party and he accuses Phaedra of micro-managing him. Well, she didn't do a very good job!
Apollo says he wants to make their lives an open book for the TV show – except for the parts where he's stealing money in a fraudulent money scheme, but Phaedra likes to keep some things private – like their sex lives or their alleged illegal activities. Or Apollo's extra-curricular activity of going to the strip club and spending say, thousands. Or in this newly revised post-criminal "complaint" version, like $300. Again, Phaedra's side-eye is very telling. Even more telling – Kandi's facial expressions throughout this entire exchange. Kandi does not like Apollo, you can tell. Kandi is ride or die for Phaedra.
Krayonce, Apollo, And The Lies That Define Them:
Finally, Kenya and Apollo go for round a zillion. Apollo is… unsettling. It's as if he knows he has nothing to lose: he's going to jail, he's got Phaedra changing the locks, strippers don't take IOUs, and no one is buying what he's selling anymore.
In an icy, frankly creepy manner, he tells Kenya she better hope he doesn't end up locked up because then she'd be out of a job. After all – Apollo is her storyline (kinda, a bit, yea); he made her. "You should be paying me," he snaps. And if she's real, real lucky if he gets locked up, he'll give her his commissary password. Oh lord. Look – Apollo - Krayonce built Krayonce on a twirl! So get gone with the wind.
Then we talk about text-gate for the umpteenth time. Kenya claims Apollo texted her last week and pulls out her phone. Apollo is ready with props of his own and yanks out his phone to prove that she actually texted him. Kenya calls for SECCCCURTY as protection from someone else's props. Well, well – so Kenya doesn't like when props are used against her? Uh-huh. And why is she suddenly disinterested in showing off texts – I'd like to see what Apollo's phone has to say.
Phaedra takes over and is not having Kenya with her fake life trying to make accusations against her marriage. Here's what it comes down to: Phaedra may not like Apollo. She may have her marriage all but ended, but she is not gonna sit here and have Miss. WHO-S-A make a fool of her out of lies.
Kenya always talks about how Phaedra copulated with criminal, so in the best read ever in the history of Housewives, Phaedra shuts Kenya up. Phaedra reminds us that this texting stuff happened in 2012 and Kenya is the one who keeps bringing it up and making it a focal point on the show.
"She has nothing else going on," Phaedra begins. "While she's running around talking about my husband and the father of my children, she spends her weekends pedaling through sperm banks looking through cat-o-logs trying to find a donor… Honey, you don't know if your baby daddy will be an ax murderer or a child molester. But what you will know is that he needed $10 to get him a medium-size pizza, so he ejaculated into a cup, so you could have a kid.” /End Scene
Well, at least Phaedra has that: Apollo is only a non-violent criminal. And it also appears Ayden and Dylan got the Parks' brain!
Kenya has no response because she refuses to roll around in the mud with pigs anymore.
And here in lies Kenya's problem. She will always issue the first the low-blow. She goes into a situation with ill-intentions trying to make someone look as bad as possible but then she cries victim when they retaliate. In reality Kenya is the one making the mud, crawling in there, begging you to get in with her, splashing you with the mud and then crying foul when you push her over in her own muck. Andy asks her if she's leaving the show. She answers with an epic silence. I think Kenya is drowning in her own mud and it is clear as crystal that no one on that stage, including Andy, can stand her.
Finally, the pillow talk party mess is argued over. Apollo reveals he called Brandon after the party to apologize, something Kenya claims isn't true. According to Kenya, Apollo and Brandon discussed how Phaedra hires Apollo as part of some mythical corporation. Basically it sounds like a movie Kenya wishes her very important production company was making. Apollo admits his behavior that night was inappropriate and he's sorry about the example he set for all the kids that look up to him. WHO are these kids? WHERE are their parents? I believe neither Apollo nor Kenya in this instance.
Then Phaedra asks Kenya about the time she was sleeping with Christopher's common law wife, Natalie, while they were, you know – legally married! It appears that is what caused all the problems at the pillow talk party to begin with! Oops. Kenya plays mute again. Real Mimes of Atlanta, y'all!
The Other Men
The other husbands come out and Peter Thomas does not think he's done anything wrong by having an opinion on the ladies' business. And he'd gladly hold a peach – in fact he brought his own. Gregg, who looks refreshed, mumbles through some nonsense about how NeNe didn't call Peter a bitch, she said he was acting like one and this was all blown out of proportion.
Peter does not like the word "bitch" – he would never call any of his four baby mamas, his
ATM card wife, or the other Housewives a bitch. Peter believes any of the men would have defended Kenya against Christopher if they believed she was in physical danger. Todd reveals he's hurt by Mama Joyce's opinion of him - Kandi's father gave his permission for them to get married and he would hope MJ would embrace him. He is very close to his own mother so he does not understand Mama Joyce's behavior. Can't reason with crazy, Todd!
Bringing Up The Rear
Andy brings up NeNe repeatedly referring to Brandon as a "queen" and she semi-apologizes for insulting the gay community by offering to kiss Andy's butt as proof that she loves the gays. She's also gonna have a funct-sion, a parade, her and Gregg! NeNe and Kenya argue about who is more fake, Miss Funk Box (Kenya) or Miss Toys R Us Wig (NeNe). She keeps calling Kenya "Miss America", which does nothing but insult the pageant and maybe do a service to Mr. Donald T by putting some distance between Kenya and his pageant, which is Miss USA.
Finally Andy asks NeNe if she's done with the show. Meaning is she ready to pass her crown over to Kenya, and the answer is no, of course not. And we're done – Bravo is definitely going to need to do a recast because after all that ugliness none of these women can stand to be in the same room together!
[Photo Credits: Wilford Harewood/Bravo & BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHO 'WON' THE REUNION? BETTER QUEEN: NENE OR KENYA? WHO SHOULD BE FIRED NEXT SEASON?