Things kick off at Rob’s apartment. Khloe Kardashian is homeless y’all. I find it hard to believe anyone with an estimated net worth of $18 million could be homeless. Not to mention her mother has a home the size of Disneyland and her step father offered her to crash at his Malibu mansion just last episode. Nice try Khloe, but you my dear are not homeless and I don’t expect to see you at the soup kitchen anytime soon. Khloe and Rob’s relationship is borderline incestuous. Actually it’s not even borderline, it just is. Rob gifts Khloe with sex toys as a welcome present and Khloe announces she will wear lingerie for him. Khloe admits their relationship is like a married couple. I can’t believe I’m going to say this – I’m actually looking forward to Kim taking selfies.
The family are having a meeting over at Casa de Kris to decide where to go on their annual vacation. Kris loses it and drops the f bomb. Klassy. Kris follows up her emotional outburst faux pas by repeating over and over they are going to have a fun filled family vacation and then randomly rambles about how her and Bruce are separated but happy. Bruce finds her proclamation totes awkies. Kim wants to go to Armenia to explore her heritage, but what she didn’t realize is Armenia didn’t want her. Things take another awkward turn when Bruce votes for Turkey. Quick backstory, the girls Armenian side of the family have felt strongly about the girls not traveling to Turkey after the Armenian Genocide, hence the shocked expressions. The votes are in; Kim has to settle for Thailand. Khloe explains in Thailand when you get a massage, you get a bonus. Bruce wants the number of said masseuse. I feel sick again. Let me say I believe Bruce is clearly contractually obligated to take a holiday with this group. Because why on God’s green earth would he willingly go on vacation with his ex wife?! Is he a masochist? First mistake right there Brucey. Kontrolling Kris has convinced Leah, Brandon and Brody to make the trip a little more tolerable for Bruce and be default – herself. Kris is banking on the Jenner clan to keep Bruce busy while she can relax in the sun.
Kim is buying a quality camera to make Kanye the ultimate selfie book. Apparently iPhone’s won’t cut it. Kim needs the crème de le crème of camera’s. After her camera purchase Kim is venting to Khloe and Kris about wedding guests asking for plus ones. Khloe wants to know if she gets a plus one. It’s a no. I guess that means no French Montana in France for Khloe. Kris wants to know if she will get invited at all. It’s a maybe. Kris is grilling Khloe about whether or not Rob will come to Thailand. Khloe thinks he will, but at the same time Khloe reveals that Rob is battling a lot of demons and they are not only weight related. Khloe thinks that her divorce has hit Rob hard, because he was so close to Lamar. Kris thinks when Khloe buys her home Rob should move in with her again. Khloe feels responsible for Rob, and by the pressure Kris puts on her, I can see why.
Kim calls a family meeting for the sisters. She announces she landed the cover of Vogue. Kris is tickled pink, because she got to photo bomb a shot! The sisters don’t seem very excited. Maybe they were jealous Kris got to photo bomb and they didn’t? Khloe makes a joke about when Kim did the cover of K9 magazine. Kim is upset her sisters aren’t showing enthusiasm for her achievement. I think the sisters have a case of the sour grapes. Kris is on hand to scold them anyway.
Everyone arrives back at Kris’s to get their vaccinations for Thailand, including Rob. Kris flirts awkwardly with their significantly younger doctor. Kris gets her a$$ out for the Doc instead of her arm. I guess when you’ve got it flaunt it. It’s night time and the Kardashian Krew are about to make their way to the airport, but not before North decides to throw up on Mama Kim. North coos and ahhs while Kim talks sweetly to her. It’s a cute moment and North sounds adorable, I just wish we could see her! Kris announces Mason has two ear infections andKourtney is sick which is code for el preggo. Kris doesn’t think Rob is coming either. Khloe arrives and confirms Kris’s concerns. Rob is M.I.A. Khloe tries to call and text him but he doesn’t respond. Khloe doesn’t want to go if Rob doesn’t go and just like the domino effect, Kylie announces she will have an anxiety attack and not go if Khloe doesn’t go. I suppose Khloe seems like the sanest of them all, I’d probably have an anxiety attack if I was stuck with my separated parents and selfie obsessed sister. #FreeVacationsComeAtAPrice
The family arrive in Thailand, and Iniala Resort is amazing. I am pretty sure there was a resort elephant in the backyard. The family get the grand tour and I have a flashback to Season 1 on their vacation to Mexico for the Girls Gone Wild photo shoot. Boy has this family moved up in the world. The resort is amazing, spectacular and breathtaking. I bet Rob and Kourtney are kicking themselves they didn’t make it! Everyone is excited, minus Khloe. Khloe is stressed about Rob and can’t enjoy the palatial accommodations, private pools and private beach. She keeps trying to call him, but can’t get a hold of him. Kim and Kris feel like the tough love approach is needed for Rob, but Khloe disagrees. Khloe feels like Kim couldn’t possibly understand what it is like to live with someone who is battling such deep demons. Doesn’t Kim live with Kanye? Surely she should get some credit for living with the world’s biggest egomaniac? No? I supposed it doesn’t count when Kim is equally in love with herself, she probably doesn’t even notice Kanye.
Kim is over the Rob talk and instead decides to commence her selfie campaign. I actually feel bad for Kanye. Kim is posing everywhere and anywhere. It seems like everyone is getting over the selfie queen and her antics. Even the elephant had enough! I feel more badly for Kim’s assistant who apparently has to take ass selfies of her. How much does that woman get paid? #NotEnough The resort has put on a private fire dance show and fireworks for the group, however Kim is to self absorbed with her selfies to really take in the moment. Khloe is beyond over it.
The Jenner clan arrive. I love me some Leah Jenner! She is so beautiful and sweet! Brodyis excited to ermmm make love to himself after the long flight. The trio separate and sleep off their long flight. Bruce and the girls however have an action packed day of zip lining. Everyone seems to enjoy it. Except for Kim, who has a major meltdown. From claustrophobia to height phobia, Kim is having a full blown panic attack. Kim bawls her eyes out and announces becoming a mother has made her realise these types of activities are not worth it when she could be with North instead. Wait a minute, so Kim can’t be away from her daughter for zip lining but she can be away from her to take an endless supply of selfies. #Priorities Bruce feels like it’s a good opportunity to break new ground. Kris announces Kim already broke ground on her house so she doesn’t have to participate. Clever little momager knows to protect and serve the main cash cow of the family. Kris has her own meltdown shortly after, citing that Bruce thinks they are in the Jungle Book. Kendall however feels like it’s more Jurassic park. Either way Kris and Bruce are bickering and Kylie is finding it difficult to witness. Apparently Kylie doesn’t like conflict. This must have been a recent development, because only a couple of episodes ago Kylie had a knockdown sparing match with mommy dearest over stealing dresses.
On the way back to the resort, Kris and Bruce are involved in a fender bender. Kris’s neck is sore. Bruce basically tells her to get over it. Kris isn’t having a bar of it. Kris arrives back at the resort to tell the tale of her horrible car collision. Apparently the driver was going a gazillion miles per hour – that’s thing now? Kris feels like it was a major accident, Bruce however feels like it was a fender bender. Of everyone I know that’s been to Thailand, they all say people run into each other on the roads constantly. Kris is relieved that the Jenner trio are here to take Bruce off her hands!
Kim is back to her selfie book. She is taking sexy boob exposed shots in a completely see through wet white dress. Unfortunately Brody walks in. Or is that ‘fortunately’? Love me some Brody! Brody immediately freaks out and runs away. Kim is beyond embarrassed. Brody runs in to Leah and Brandon’s room. Leah comments that it looks like Brody has seen a ghost. No Leah it’s worse than a ghost Brody reveals that he saw Kim in a see through dress, boobs out, ass out, everything! Leah taunts Brody, asking if he got turned on by Kim, Brandon joins in by chanting Brody got turned on by his sister! Brody finally admits he maybe got a little turned on and scampers away. Probably to enjoy the mental image in private.
The family meet for dinner. Kim and Brody avoid eye contact completely. Kris and Bruce start fighting again. Kris wants everyone to do whatever they want on the holiday. She wants to get a massage and relax the next day. Bruce feels like Kris gets to relax on her vacations with her girlfriends. Bruce makes a huge mistake when he tries to drag Kendall and Kylie into the argument to back him. Shame on you Bruce! You should know better than to involve your daughters in your marital spats with Kris.
Kris vents to Kim that her plan is not working. Kylie probes her about her ‘plan’ and Kris reveals she wants Brandon, Brody and Leah to distract Bruce while on vacation. I know I’d feel hurt if I were the Jenners right now. I know that they probably realize this is why they receive an invite but to say it out loud is hurtful. Kendall and Kylie are confused about what their Mom’s ‘plan’ was. Kris explains she just doesn’t like doing everything Bruce wants to do and wants to do things that make her happy on holidays too. Kendall and Kylie call their Mom a liar and don’t believe her story. Bruce tries to come and diffuse the tension but the girls are out of there quick smart, they aren’t silly enough to stick around and witness round two of Bruce Vs Kris. I honestly think Kris’s answer was convincing and more than believable and this is just another storyline. Nice acting girls.
Next week on KUWTK Khloe is trying to book a flight out of Thailand to get away from this bunch of nut jobs. Kendall and Kylie decide to leave as well. Kim takes some more selfies and Kris and Bruce bicker some more. Brody repays Kim by giving her a show of him in his birthday suit! Yes Yes YEEEEESSSSS! I can’t wait for next weeks episode! Did I just say that?
TELL US – RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU’RE TUNING IN FOR BRODY IN HIS ALL HIS GLORY NEXT WEEK?!