I have to hand it to the ladies of Real Housewives of New York – they really put on a good finale!
I’m sure Aviva Drescher is trying to take credit for it, but it was less about a leg being thrown across Le Cirque (seriously was this not the scene from a David Foster Wallace novel, or what?!) and more about the reactions of the other ladies – specifically LuAnn de Lesseps who literally burst into uncontrollable laughter and couldn’t stop.
Before all of that we have to dismantle the curious case of who got hairy with Harry. Sonja Morgan is reclining in bed, surrounded by interns of a frightened nature, one leg is propped on her pillow – tonight’s episode is clearly full of leg drama. Ramona Singer comes over to see her “Sonja-Bonja” which really is the most apt nickname ever. Sonja Bonja. Say ‘Bonja’ out loud and then laugh cause we all know Sonja likes to bone ya! I digress…
Ramona has Kristen Taekman with her because now that Aviva has outed herself as full-scale allergic to sanity, they need a tagalong to pour their wine. Pinot and Commando are adopting, y’all! Hide your impressionable youngish 30-something quarter-life crisis friends.
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So how did Sonja hurt her leg? She spotted Harry hopping into a taxi with LuAnn at Carole Radziwill‘s birthday party and in the course of chasing after Harry and his dallying Dubin, Sonja tripped. The worst of the worst is that Sonja heard LuAnn telling Harry “I’m single now!” But what of the promise ring – did it mean nothing? Oh it meant something – it meant Harry got more camera time! Holla!
Kristen’s mouth is agape. LuAnn would boff Harry?! But Ramona is not surprised – LuAnn does that sort of thing. She’s not, gasp – worst insult of all Housewives insults – “Not a girls girl!” Sonja sniffs that she’ll find a new man! “My aura’s so hot, I’m attracting so many men right now!” she crows. Hot auras, exploding businesses – Sonja is on fire.
Back home Kristen learns that Josh is hiring a model for the new EBoost billboard and after he lectures her on how she’s no longer 25 and ‘young’ he decides to give her aging aura a chance. Kristen is excited to work together with Josh to build their business instead of working against each other to whine, snipe, and humiliate each other on national TV.
On the day of the shoot the photographer tells Kristen to look energized but turned on. Given that EBoost is connected to Josh and his general malaise of douchephoria, I would find that impossible, but she imagined running around Graceland naked with Elvis circa 1955 and had “mini-orgasms.” Think Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. The photo turned out great, however!
Back at Sonja’s Townhome of Despair, she’s invited LuAnn over to discuss ‘The Harry issue’. Despite her leg injury Sonja is wearing knee boots while wobbling on crutches. She also put TWO puppy pads over the pee stain on the dining room rug. Lovely. Class with the Former Mrs. Morgan, Toaster Oven maven and entertainment expert.
Sonja is also having some business meetings to put together a Team Sonja party to celebrate her success. Her auras are exploding!
When LuAnn arrives Sonja launches into her about leaving with Harry. LuAnn is disgusted Sonja would believe she’d do a thing like that. She explains that she Harry, HEATHER AND JON all went dancing – that’s it! Oops. While they’re arguing Cream Cheese or Bologna – or whatever that interns name is – is loitering in the background wondering if she needs to call the Team Sonja psychiatrist, not to be confused with the Team Sonja Christian Mystic who warned her explosive businesses, not to be confused with explosive diarrhea.
“The question for you is why would Harry leave YOU at the party?” LuAnn wonders. Touche! Sonja is breaking her leg for a man who can’t be bothered to send her a text. This relationship is going places – the same places Sonja’s businesses are going. In the end, the ladies decide their friendship is more valuable than whatever Harry has in his pants (if it’s as defective as that promise ring – no one wants it!).
Sonja hobbles over to meet Harry for a drink and asks him about the LuAnn issue. He claims Heather told him Sonja was coming later so he got into the cab with Lu, but nothing happened – even though he was hoping it would! Ew! Then he gives a spiel about how they’re close friends and he loves her – two hustlers hustling each other does not true love make. “I’m ending the concept of you committing to me,” Sonja says, handing back the promise ring (which may have been stolen from the True Faith archives, or could have been purchased from the Duane Reed on 5th Ave). Bloop and goodbye!
Moving on, Heather Thomson convinces Carole to buy a $9,000 bag for charity. It was a hot bag. They discuss Jax’s hearing loss. After one doctor thought surgery was a good idea, they sought a second opinion and were told the surgery likely wouldn’t reverse the ear drum damage. Jax ultimately decided he would stick with his hearing aids for now. It was a sweet moment between real friends, and Heather is an awesome mom!
Then Heather and Kristen visit Carole’s new apartment for some drinks and girl talk. The apartment looks great, if not a little overly-velveted and shiny (with one too many budoir looking sofas). Carole kept most of the kitchen, but added an office area. They crack open the wine and get to talking about the Team Sonja party where they will lay eyes on Aviva for the first time in weeks – and they all have bones to pick with her over her lies and general insanity. Kristen jokes that after a “few glasses of Ramona” who knows what could happen! Someone could lose an eye – or a blowout!
At Sonja’s party the crowd is as scattered and disconnected as the hostess herself, who is late because none of her 47 interns could figure out how to work her geriatric printer (part of her divorce settlement) and could not print her speech. Sonja wanders in, hair askew, and instead of saying hello to the guests, she immediately starts talking about all the successes of Team Sonja! They’ve got deals with department stores, and perfume lines, and something happening in France that is not legal in the continental US.
That speech was a hot mess - it needed Carole or Aviva’s ghostwriter! At the very least the intern who wrote it needs to be sent back to whatever community college they came from. After the speech Avicious arrived and all the ladies decide now was the time for a little intervention about Aviva and all her ailments. Truly, Aviva’s whole life is an ailment – she’s an ailment to RHONY!
I don’t know how it started, but Avicious was looking thin and twitchy. All of the sudden she says her doctor lied to her and she didn’t have asthma, but oh wait! Here’s her x-ray! And her doctor’s business cards. And she is tugging medical records out of some giant gift bag. Did Aviva steal that x-ray from the Real Sex Museum?! Sonja thinks its an X-ray from a boob job. Ramona confronts her about being obsessed with her husband.
Then Avicious starts ranting about bookgate and how she’s not a liar even though Carole is telling everyone she is. I was surprised she didn’t pull Carole’s alleged ghostwriter out of that giant bag next! Heather stands up and announces she’s had it – LuAnn and Carole follow, but somehow they all end up back at the table where Aviva starts shrieking at Heather.
“Keep it together,” coach Sonja encourages her. So Aviva slams her prosthetic down on the table and bellows, “The only thing fake or artificial about me is this leg!” Then she flings it across the room while the ladies scatter. I dunno – I think the leg is the realest thing about Aviv.
Heather and Carole are disgusted. “I’m done,” says Carole walking purposefully away. Kristen is scared and cowers in the corner. Ramona is, for once in her life, speechless. Sonja is hoping the Team Sonja secretary is recording everything for posterity. And wondering where that waiter is because she wants more pigs in a blanket. But LuAnn was laughing so hard she probably needed a puppy pee pad. She was gasping for air and crying. It was priceless. Class with the countess – when you can’t beat’em, laugh!
I just wanna know if Aviva’s leg is on Team Sonja?
Oh and one other thing – Ramona announced that she used to date Fabio. I feel like they spent their entire relationship getting blowouts together.
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
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