On last night’s episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, things begin with Kris Jenner and Leah Jenner taking a random midnight dip in the ocean. Kris decides to not let Kendall and Kylie’s hatred of her bother her. Apparently, at any given time, at least one of her kids can’t stand her, so basically it’s same old same old to Kris. #DysfunctionAtItsFinest
Kim Kardashian has decided not to let her embarrassing run in with Brody Jenner stop her from her selfie project. That’s too bad. Today Kim has graduated from standard ‘selfies’ and is now taking a$$ selfies. You read that right. Did one of her employees just rub her butt with oil and then apply sand. Seriously. Was this written in to their Kartrashian Kontract? Must be willing to apply baby oil and other lotions (amongst other elements) to Kimberley’s derriere. Quick question; how many employees does it take to apply oil and sand to Kim’s ass? If you answered 3 you were correct.
The family congregate to discuss the day’s events. I just want to point out that when this bunch are on holidays they apply their war paint so thick it’s crazy! Why not go makeup free, ladies!? Let that skin breathe!!
Khloe Kardashian discovers Kendall and Kylie are missing… and we are forced to watch Khloe do some pretty poor acting. ‘Where art thou Romeo Kendall & Kendall. Where O could they be?’. Never fear, while her a$$ isn’t posing, Kim is quite the helpful sister. She decides to text them. No answer… and that is the extent of Kim’s a$$istance. Bruce Jenner is starting to worry, oh Bruce… did that wicked wife not tell you? This is only another fake storyline. Your girls probably pocketed a new range rover for playing along and being obedient. The family argue about the girls whereabouts. If my 16yr old an 18yr old were missing in a foreign country I’d probably go in to a full blown meltdown and call in the military. Not this family though. Kris just doesn’t want to except any blame. This is not her problem. #ParentOfTheYear
Kris decides to actually be a parent they should all split up and look for the girls before they call the police. Erm, two missing teenagers in a foreign country and you decide you’re Liam Neeson in ‘Taken’. I don’t think so. Brody Jenner is already over acting, he is starving and just wants breakfast. Oh Brody didn’t you hear, acting starts at 8am sharp, should have gotten up earlier.
The family leave to search for the girls. Brody is O-U-T. He isn’t buying into this episodes shenanigans and dubs his sisters ‘drama queens’ and that he won’t be apart of their little game. The rest of the Jenner/Kardashian Klan run around Thailand holding up pictures of the girls on their phones. Yep, it’s official KUWTK is reaching its limit, this has to rate as one of the most unbelievable storylines to date. I basically zoned out this entire portion of the episode. Sidebar – What is Kris wearing? Is she trying to be the female Indiana Jones? After the world’s worst phone tag scavenger hunt the girls are found, getting massages no less. Did I mention Kris and Bruce bickered and Khloe threatened pimp momager with a cuss-off during this episode of ‘kidnapped’, oh and Kim was sporting a beachy wedding inspired dress.
Now the girls are back and the family (including a fully fed Brody) are lapping it up on a luxury yacht. Khloe is sporting a pimp captain’s hat, daisy dukes and an East Coast bathing suit. Did she forget she is actually from the ‘West Coast’, more specifically ‘The Valley!’. Leah & Brandon taunt Brody about his awkward encounter with Kim posing semi nude. Brody gets his big brother mode on and freaks out when Kendall answers she knows what a half chub is. Kendall is equally freaked that Brody walked in on Kim and actually admitted he got a half chub. Brandon eases the tension by imitating Bruce giving a sex talk about half chubs and foreplay. If you didn’t feel sick from the nauseatingly fake storyline you will now from that mental image.
Brody tells Kris about his awkward encounter and his joke about getting a ‘half chub’. Kris replies that you don’t get a half chub without getting a boner. She summarizes her argument by stating that she thinks Brody is crushing on Kim and has been since he was 7 yrs old. Brody retaliates by saying that it was Brandon that had a crush on Kim, and that Brandon and Kim even kissed. Oh dear, this family just officially crossed over into incestuous. It was only a matter of time. Kim joins in on teasing Brody. Kim goes back to taking selfies after she tires of teasing Brody which lasted a whole 10 seconds. Brody retreats below deck from embarrassment.
The conversation turns to Rob. Kim is tired of the excuses and wants Rob to go away somewhere and just get it together. Khloe is defensive of Rob and she is clearly uncomfortable with Kim’s closed minded opinions. An exasperated Khloe gives up completely and retreats. Brandon feels bad for Khloe, he feels like everyone puts pressure on her and leans on her. I completely agree. Could we just have a Brandon and Leah show already? With cameos of Brody for eye candy? Brody talks to Khloe below deck. He has similar sentiments to Brandon. He tells Khloe that although Rob needs help, Khloe needs support and love to help her get through her own issues, he begs her to let go of her guilt. My goodness, either the Jenner boys are rational, level headed men or they are getting a super good edit from Ryan Seacrest?!
Leah decides to help Brody get Kim back. He decides to pose in his birthday suit on her bed, covering his modesty with some giant leaves. *Says in Melissa Gorga voice* Thankyou Jesus!!! Kim is negotiating eating tactics with North. All Mommy wants is two bites!! Sidenote – I almost forgot she had child. Where the heck has North been? She’s the real missing kid in Thailand, not Kendall or Kylie! An unsuspecting Kim enters her room with baby North in tow. Is It just me or did Kim’s eyes light up like a kid in a candy store?? I know mine did! Kim bellows that Brody is so gross and she does not want to see him in the buff, but her eyes tell a different story! Kim proceeds to take photos of the Brodster in all his glory! Perhaps a mental image was not permanent enough for miss Kimmie Kakes! She claims it’s for blackmail purposes sure sure.
The family join together for a dinner, Kendall is sporting some serious gothic lips. Kylie thinks the family has forgotten about the love. Bruce is just disappointed he had so many daughters – all they bring is D-R-A-M-A! Kris makes a love inspired toast. Ugh! Khloe announces that ’12:15 is looking real good’. Kim probes Khloe and asks her what the point was coming all the way out here just to turn around and leave. Khloe retaliates by saying her staying or leaving should make no impact to Kim’s holiday, being that all she does is take selfies all day – how would she notice if she was even gone. Kim suddenly channels rambles Richards and goes on about how it’ll impact others on the trip, and that she is doing the selfies for Kanye, someone who she loves. #Shade? Khloe doesn’t let her thinly veiled attempt of shade rattle her and sarcastically replies that maybe she will be so lucky in love one day as well… Ooooo Burn. Apply ice to the affected area with caution Kim. I think Khloe just let the cat out of the not so secret bag, that being in a relationship with Kanye West is no picture perfect paradise that Kimmie likes to paint. Kim’s burn clearly got the better of her and she attacks Khloe and calls her out by claiming she just wants to go home to her 50 rappers she is dating.
Dayyyyuuuuuum! Go Khloe it’s your birthday! More power to Khloe! The two go back & forth, Kim claims Khloe is miserable. Khloe sarcastically agrees and throws some more jabs alluding miserable people take selfies all day long. Kylie was right, this family has forgotten about love. Kylie and Khloe leave to discuss who wanted to punch Kim more. Ladies ladies, calm down.. no one wanted to punch Kim more than her assistant who has stick sand to her a$$. Khloe announces that she might be going through some miserable sh!t right now but she ain’t no miserable person! She laments that Kim’s name calling was low, hurtful and isn’t going to make anything better. Khloe feels like Kim’s poor attitude validates why she wants to go home.
The next day Khloe is conflicted about going home she expresses it by waddling around the water in a towel. #AsYouDo Kim and Kris are discussing all things Khloe. Kris feels Khloe only wants to go home because Rob is alone and it gives Khloe anxiety. Kris becomes emotional and wails she doesn’t know the last time she didn’t cry herself to sleep over Rob. Erm ok. Kris’s tears make Kim feel more sympathy for Khloe. Kim thinks Khloe needs to not focus on saving Rob and just save herself right now. One, Two, Three… Awwww!
On next weeks episode the family travel to an orphanage to do some charity work and things take a turn when a stranger grabs Kendall inappropriately, causing Brody to get protective.
TELL US – WHY DOES KIM CALL IT A SELFIE WHEN SHE’S NOT THE ONE TAKING THE PICTURES? SHOULD KHLOE WORRY ABOUT HER OWN ISSUES AND LET ROB FIGURE THINGS OUT ON HIS OWN?