Last night on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Brody Jenner threw a tantrum which may or may not have been warranted. Kim Kardashian got her bridezilla on. Kylie Jenner became a blue haired martian/skittle/punk rock barbie. Kendall lost her eyebrows and became homesick and Kourtney Kardashian dropped a bombshell that sent Scott Disick off into an emotional tailspin.
Things kick off with Kimmie Kakes and Bruce Jenner enjoying a father daughter lunch. Kim is on a mission to drop the post pregnancy pounds so she can squeeze into a skin tight wedding gown. Kim decides to talk Bruce through the logistics of giving her away. Apparently Kim wants a solo walk for the first leg of her aisle walk and for Bruce to collect her after she passes the first fountain. Bruce likens the whole thing to a relay race. I think he was looking for the word circus. Tom-ay-to, Tom-ah-to. Changing gears, Bruce feels like all the embellishments on Kim’s crazy shoes looks similar to his a$$ when his hemorrhoids are acting up… yep when it comes to this family nothing is off limits. I think ‘dangleberries’ may have been used in this sentence but I was too busy vomiting to be entirely sure.
Over at Casa de Kris, Kim is showing photos to Khloe Kardashian of her gown. Khloe gushes that she looks like Princess Diana. Kim is offended. I am sorry, but it is Lady Di that should be offended by this comparison. #RestInPeaceQueenOfHearts Khloe tries to backtrack but as luck would have it Kim is currently far more disappointed in Kylie than Khloe’s faux pas. Apparently when Kim is angry she passive aggressively dictates that her lowly minions must wear hideous bridesmaid dresses as punishment for their naughty behaviour. Kim’s catty behavior sent Kylie into a tizzy of tears, and Kim’s bridezilla tirade doesn’t end there. She launches into complaining about; venue capacity, no plus one’s and Rob’s up in the air attendance. Methinks Kim just likes the sound of her own voice.
Kendall and Kylie are in New York to launch their new Sci-fi novel. I just hope they haven’t written the word, ‘like’, as many times as they drop it in their normal day-to-day talk. Seriously let’s play a drinking game, take a drink every time one Jenner-bots says the word ‘like’. Hopefully you’re all be merry enough to get through the rest of tonight’s episode. While in New York Kendall and Kylie come to see Kim at her wedding dress fitting. The girls swoon over Kim and her dress. But no one swoons over Kim more than herself. #YouCantTeachAnOldDogNewTricks
Back at Mama Jenner’s, Khloe is rubbing her boobs to make herself feel better. As you do. Kris is playing secret covert operations to organize Kim’s bridal shower. The ladies adjourn upstairs to discuss all things sexy shower. Khloe just cares about hard liquor. *Additional drinking game* take a drink whenever Khloe swears!
Over at Kourtney and Scott’s, Kourtney is sitting on the floor and decides it’s an opportune moment to announce to Scott he is going to become a father for the 3rd time. Kourtney sounds just about excited as Scott’s less than thrilled reaction. Scott literally says Kourtney keeps suckering him into these kids and he can’t handle any more responsibility. Literally. He said that. Verbatim. This relationship is a serious Debbie Downer. Scott dubs Kourtney ‘sneaky’ and ‘dishonest’. Their relationship is a hot mess, and I am legitimately shocked Kourtney is pregnant, because that would require physical contact with Scott and they both seem like they can’t stand each other? Go figure.
Kim and Kris summon Bruce to their neck of the woods to talk #PostBreakUpPonyTails Kim is trying her hardest to nix the 4th Hanson brother look. Unfortunately for Kim, Bruce left Kris and found his missing balls, so the ponytail is going to stay. Kim wants his hair to look #ParisChic but Bruce tells her she has to settle for #MalibuChic
The gang plus Johnathon meet in Kourtney’s closet to gossip and bish about everything and everyone. Kim teases that Kourtney’s clothes disturb her. Really Kim? I’ve seen some of the clothes you’ve worn since hooking up with Kanye? Floral couch dress with attached gloves from the Met Ball anyone? Anyway the girls have bigger fish to fry. Khloe is having a fashion CTC crisis. #CoverTheCamel After the camel is officially covered #PraiseTheFashionGods #ItsAMiracle Kim reveals that Mama Kris has decided to generously pay for Brandon and Leah’s accommodation for the wedding. Kim being the favorite pet she is gushes about her Momsie’s generosity and labels Leah and Brandon the most supportive of Bruce and Kris since their split. Kim and Kris think their attendance will mean Bruce will be able to truly enjoy the celebration. One person less than pleased with Kris’s generosity is Brody. Apparently he is missing out on the freebies and he is telling anyone who will listen about Kris’s alleged favoritism. I kind of feel bad for Brody.
The family meet for dinner at Kris’s. Kris nags Kim about eating potatoes before her wedding, Kim retaliates by chowing down on a chocolate chip cookie. Yay for Kim. The family discuss wedding deets and Kim decides to take the ponytail Bruce away for a chat. Kim is at her wits end about Brody getting upset about Kris paying for Brandon and Leah, and the plus one nonsense. Kim threatens that she is ready to snap at Brody for making Kris out to be a wicked Step Mom for favoring Leah and Brandon. Here’s a good idea, pay for Brody as well. Problem solved. No favs. #EqualTreatment
It’s the day of Kim’s bridal shower! Kourtney shaved her legs for the occasion and is announcing it to all Kim’s guests. I guess that was a big sacrifice for Miss Earth Mother. While in the other corner, Khloe is back to caressing her breasts and allowing guests to join in. All quite standard bridal shower behavior for a Kardashian I imagine. Kim is shocked so many people came. Khloe is shocked she broke her corset prior to the second course. Kris chokes up and rambles through her speech – as per usual I think a lot of it was recycled mother of the bride material from her last big bash with Humphries. After a sappy speech, trashy lingerie and gift giving ensues. Kanye apparently thinks that although his bride is the sexiest person in the world she has the ugliest pajama style! Hopefully the trashy underwear will appease his fancy taste.
The day after the bridal shower, Kourtney has discovered Scott never returned from his appearance in Mexico. Kourt is nervous because he has admitted he is depressed, unhinged and in a bad place emotionally, and since revealing her pregnancy he has struggled to come to a positive place about his expanding family. Scott arrives home while Mason is getting a haircut at least one man in the family is getting a haircut and tries to do a disappearing act to the bedroom without having a conversation. Scott admits fleeing was irresponsible and he has major issues he needs to work on but he made the choice because he was trying to escape reality. These two seem totally disconnected and it’s le sad to watch.
Over in Malibu Kylie is sporting blue hair. Kris freaks and asks her if she is keeping it for the wedding and if Kim knows. Kylie seems blasé and unfazed about the issue. I guess Kylie decided if Kim was going to force her to wear a disgusting dress, she’d get her own back by going as a blue haired martian, or as Kris likes to call it; punk rock barbie. Kim apparently hates her color and demands it be changed before her wedding. Kim tells Kylie she hates it and & Kris upgrades her daughter from punk rock Barbie to a blue skittle. Kylie – ever the rebellious child, decides to punish them both and keep it for 2 years. Which is longer than any of the sisters have ever kept a husband! Kris is off to learn how to paddle board. But not before she puts her wetsuit on back to front. All in all Kris should have taken her fashion faux pas as a sign, because she sucked at paddle boarding.
Kourtney brings up to Khloe the idea of moving to the Hamptons for the Summer in the hopes of bringing some happiness to Scott’s life right now. Apparently Scott has wonderful memories of the Hamptons and apparently this is how we are drifting in to – Kardashians
INVADE take the Hamptons. #Smooth
Kourt is confident it is good plan. Khloe is confident yellow is a good color on Kourtney but is not sold on her Hampton’s plan. The sisters and Kris discuss the Brody nonsense. Kris justifies not paying for Brody because he already flies everywhere and has oodles of points. Kris just chalks the whole thing up to standard wedding drama. Totes. I mean I always get mad when my stepmom doesn’t fly me first class and pay for my accommodation for a family wedding. #KardashianProblems
Kourtney brings up the Hamptons scenario to Scott. He doesn’t bite. Kourtney suggests they move in to his family home and fix it up. Scott retaliates by saying he wants to sell it. The two bicker about who is making who is making bigger rash decisions. Scott lashes out and says visiting the Hamptons now is pointless to him because his parents are dead and it would have been amazing to share that with them when he initially wanted to – when they were alive. Ouch! I think Kourtney has had a lot go her way in their relationship so far, and I think it’s coming to head for Scott right now. Scott seems bitter. I guess Kourtney felt a little guilty because she followed Scott to his appearance in Houston. Or maybe she was scared Scott would end up on the lamb, like another sister’s certain someone… cough cough Lamar anyone?? Scott calls Kourtney a buzzkill. But a buzzkill that he kind of needs in his life. Of course a pregnant woman in a nightclub is going to be a buzzkill, Scott!
Bruce and Kim have mysterious phonecall to Kendall. Kendall is missing her eyebrows and missing home. Bruce tries to reminisce about he had to live out of a suitcase when he was an Olympian over a thousand years ago. Kim thinks Kendall’s vanishing eyebrows are hot and as a model she needs to just get over being homesick. After Bruce fails at parenting and consoling Kendall – due to a lost phone connection he decides to parent Brody. You know, the fully grown one that he has a super strained (for camera?) relationship with. Brody is pi$$ed. He thinks both Kris and Bruce have totally favored Brandon and Leah by paying for their trip. Brody feels like Bruce only cares that Brandon and Leah are going because he has been calling them constantly. Bottom line, Brody says no one even tried to call him about anything and he made his decision to not be bothered with any of the Kimye circus.
Kim and North are Paris bound and Kris is staying behind with a slew of assistants to search for a missing ‘Nori’ necklace before jumping on the next plane. Kim is excited and Kris is recycling her lines from Kim’s last ‘I do’s’ to Humphries by rambling about how Kim is on her way to marry the love of her life.. Déjà Vu. I guess this is the winning formula for securing another season? If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
On the finale episode, the gang travel to Paris and preparations for Kim’s big day are well under way. Kanye makes a cameo. Kim practices walking down the aisle. Although I think she’s got that down pat, it’s picking husbands she really seems to suck at and a bunch a KiMINIONs swoon over Kim and ramble about Kim and Kanye’s undying love for one another which makes Kim gleefully giddy.
TELL US – DO YOU THINK BRODY COULDN’T AFFORD A TICKET TO PARIS? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CLAIM THAT HE DIDN’T GO BECAUSE OF WORK COMMITMENTS?
Recap Author: Gina P.
Photo Credit: E!