Real Housewives Of New York â when itâs too hot in the city, despite the arctic winter chill, escape to the islands of Turks and Caicos but bring the arctic chill with you! I truly did love this episode â it was old times RHONY â real friends, serious drama that wasnât fake or fabricated, yet light-hearted frivolity and laughs.Â
Iâve come to love the friendship of Bethenny Frankel and Luann de Lesseps. I think they deserve their own bestie name: Bethann? Luannethy? Iâve also come to accept Kristen Taekman as being silent, but necessary â her facial expressions are the omnipotent narrator and her outfits are a pleasant diversion from such atrocities as macramĂŠ, lucite stripper heels, or neon yellow bikinis purchased from the MTV Spring Break store in 1993.Â
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At Luannâs fashion show Ramona Singer has just ripped the the fuzz off Kristenâs angora, so Kristen rolled her pretttttty eyes and stalked away, because honestly, why bother? Ramona was pleased with herself for taking down the Velveteen Rabbit, all sad eyes and soft fur, but Dorinda Medley stepped in to tell her she was mean, abrasive, and rude. âDelivery is everything,â Dorinda admonishes. âIf you had done that to meâŚâ she warned. Ramona tried to backpedal. Finally Luann hauled the ladies away from gossiping to remind them they were there for HER fashion party, which was happening downstairs.Â
Sonja Morgan is nowhere to be found. All worry she was lost in the abyss of snow, wandering Fifth Avenue shouting âMR MORGANâ in her big fur hat which stores 3 interns at least, but there she was preening on the red carpet. Sonja sidles up to a handsome man, while Ramona is reduced to conversation with Einsteinâs long lost cousin. Karma is a bitch and so is Ramona â who immediately started waving her arms between Sonja and the hottie to form a barricade. What is Ramona afraid of â that Sonja may jump on him and start slobbering?Â
While Ramona blew her drama wad in the suite going all Pinotornado on Kristen, Tropical Storm Sonja was circling the party, decimating all her wake. Sonja was talking to Kristen, benignly, when Bethenny walked in and Sonja immediately told her about Ramona yelling at Kristen. Kristen pulled her infamous scrunched-up face and Bethenny snapped at her that face might freeze that way and she wouldnât be so pretty. Actually Bethenny accused Kristen of gunning for her and complained that Kristen should have just talked to her instead of being all cranky behind her back. Kristen reminded Bethenny she tried to talk to her, but Bethenny walked away, which reignites the conversation from AOA.Â
Bethenny admits she doesnât remember if she called Kristen stupid, but she does think âPop of Colorâ is a bad name for a nail polish line because there is already a beauty line called Pop. Too bad Kristenâs already got the whole thing trademarked!Â
So Bethenny doesnât want Kristen to talk to her about her life, or confront her, yet she is frustrated that Kristen has a bone to pick with her and didnât come to her directly? Kristen needs to just wear white everywhere â then she can lay down in surrender to all the crazy. Eventually Kristen and Bethenny just give up, realizing neither of them particularly cares, and hit the bar. Itâs better that way.Â
Then Kristen happens upon Sonja, just as her Swami Priestess, Robin, of the butchered blunt-cut hair (presumably chopped in the African wild brush by boars which were subsequently released to Sonjaâs house in France to cleanse the spirits of the debts) is referring to Luannâs collection as âschleppyâ â too schleppy for Sonja. Sonja directs everyone not to repeat that to Luann, then she turns to Kristen and says, âYouâll probably tell her. Youâve got that look on your face.â
Just go home Kristen. And she does, to re-pack for Turks and Caicos. Kristen takes out all the sparkly sandals, string bikinis, and cute rompers to add in: her sonâs collection of plastic Ninja Turtle Weapons and fake armor, a cutting board for a shield, and several white sheets to make SOS flags. Good thing she has a lifetime supply of E-Boost â they will come in handy if she is forced to escape though the jungle in a quest for freedom. Obviously this is Blue Lagoon Revisited, waiting to happen.Â
Carole Radziwill decided the RHONY cameras are not reliable â clearly, as theyâre missing all of Sonjaâs sloppiest drunken escapades â so sheâll be filming her own documentary using a handheld. Caroleâs Time Machine is now taking her back to 1998, ala Reality Bites.Â
The ladies arrive on the island, and Ramona, like the celeb she is, slaps the camera out of Caroleâs hand and starts rampaging about the lack of air conditioner. âWeâve got a menopausal group here,â quips Bethenny jovially. The happy times end when there is a competition to get the best bedroom. Ramona and Sonja race around the house demanding accommodations together, plus: a bathtub, a walk-in, a full bar, a man-servant at the foot of their bed⌠They claim two rooms instantly, then scream at each across the house to each other about which room is better. All the whilst Sonja, in stilettos and tight white pants, is balancing a coconut shell with a straw stuck in it as she darts up and down stairs and around corners. Is this an Olympic sport? Itâs obviously played on Gstaad with a smokey eye and an up-do. Sonja is on a team with Princess Caroline of Monaco. Eventually Sonja concedes to Ramonaâs choice, but laments not having a bathtub because she and Ramona canât work a shower or get their hair wet.
After all the exertion, Ramona saunters downstairs in search of pinot and is accosted by Bethenny who is disgusted by her grubby, entitled, immature behavior and tantrums over a bedroom. It is the delivery, lectures Bethenny. Of course, it may be sour grapes (coming soon to Skinnygirl) because Bethenny got stuck sharing a closet and bathroom with Heather Thomson, yet Luann lucked-out with the best room; alone. Luann, as weâll come to find out, is having an awakening of self and donât need nobody!Â
Yes, Ramona is selfish, but alas, itâs a bit rich to hear Bethenny bemoan entitled antics and immature meltdowns. Skinnygirl pot, meet Pinot kettle.
While Ramona reduces her manservant to unpacking all her unmentionables â and her Flowby â Bethenny and Luann sit poolside to gossip over that atrocities of Pinot. It was good olâ fashioned non-malicious girl talk. When Ramona walked out, in a neon-yellow bikini from the 90s and lucite stripper shoes, she stomped over to Bethenny to issue her famous non-sequitur: the insincere pinot-pology. Bethenny says if Ramona is really sorry, sheâll switch rooms with her but Ramona pretends not to hear as she arranges her pool noodles and paddles around careful not to get her hair wet. Hair which looks like the dried-out innards of a vacuum filter or a Barbie who has been victim to one too many games of âsalon.â Then Bethenny and Luann go paddle boarding.Â
Before Heather hands out âYummieâ gift bags filled with leggings and jeans. Bethenny advises her to get into fitness fashions which is an âuntapped market.â It is? Heather seems hurt at being undercut as a business woman by Bethenny â especially because Heather is in the fitness business. As for Bethenny advising on untapped markets; apparently blenders and microwave popcorn arenât widely available enough? Wasnât Bethenny just telling Kristen she doesnât hand out business advice to people she doesnât know â or maybe this is how Bethenny âgets to know people.â
In their room Ramona reminds Sonja about the last time she was in the Caribbean â right before she and Mario renewed their vows. âIâm hurting,â she whispers as Sonja strokes her back. Then Ramona brightly asks Sonja how her daughter is and demands the manservant turn on the shower to the right temperature while Ramona directs him on the correct percentage of hot to cold.Â
They descend down the stairs looking like two visions of happiness past. Ramona in a crocheted number from Michael Korsâ âexpensive lineâ and Sonja in a slip-dress. Sonja and Carole harass Ramona about needing to try casual sex and get her feet â clad in lucite stripper shoes that we come to find out she stole from Carole (of course) â wet, but Kristen chimes in that maybe Ramona should start with dating. Ramona hugs Kristen, lavishing praise on her and spilling pinot on her perfectly crisp white shirt. Ramona snaps that she isnât âsexually freeâ like Sonja and proceeds to tell a story of Sonja getting so wasted during a recent night out she tried to make-out with Luannâs friendâs boyfriend. Naturally the cameras missed that, but cue to a flashback of Luâs friend recounting the story, confirming itâs veracity.Â
Sonja, embarrassed, accuses Ramona of giving credence to gossip she knows isnât true and insists it was an innocent mistake. Bethenny intercedes in the argument. Apparently all of the months homeless Bethenny has spent crashing on Dr. Amadorâs couch has given her perspective on the mental health of others. You know what they say: Those who canât do, teach.
The problem is, Sonja behaves regrettably when sheâs drunk, and doesnât remember â doesnât want to. Her friends, well Ramona, are worried, but where is the line between enabling and supporting? Sonja doesnât want to relive her embarrassing drunken moments â why would she? â so she gets defensive and lashes out. Ramona is often the victim of these tirades, it seems. Worse, Sonja seems completely in denial about how much sheâs drinking. Sonja dismisses the womenâs concerns as them judging her.Â
Bethenny tries again to reason with Sonja. She frantically demands Sonja âlisten to herâ as she tries to advise her on dealing with stress. Bethenny made good points about Sonja using alcohol to cope â something Bethenny is also doing â but Sonja is not honest about her circumstances. Sonja will not listen â sheâs wearing a Skinnygirl panty guard which prevents her from absorbing the truth. Heather describes talking to Sonja as âcircling the drain.â
Instead Sonja argues that sheâs battling one of the richest, smartest, and most powerful men in America, but sheâs managing to hold on, fighting tooth and nail to keep above water so sometimes she  just needs to let loose and no be judged. âListen to me â Iâm a smart girl,â Bethenny insists. Sonja protests, âI wouldnât have gotten where I am⌠â but Bethenny cuts her off with âWhere are you?!â Sonja resents being called dumb.Â
I gotta admit â that was some insight from Sonja; maybe the Swami Priestess is doing some good. Bethenny is as relentless as Sonja is impenetrable  â at least of the verbal persuasion. The other ladies are eating dinner, but the yelling is distracting them. Luann reminds them of their manners â Bethenny tried to shut her down, but Luann is quite persistently not backing down until she realizes her own lobster tail is getting cold.
But Ramona is bothered, because hearing Bethenny screaming âshut the fâk up and listen to meâ at Sonja is causing her hair to frizz and pinot to warm. Ramona goes inside to tell the ladies they are disturbing the peace, but Bethenny yells, âShut the fâking door then!â Swatted away, a flustered Ramona skulks back to the table and Carole notices there is a bug stuck in her crochet. Ramona freaks. It was hilarious.Â
Back inside, Bethenny just wants Sonja to comprehend. It was interesting â all the things Bethenny was accusing Sonja of being: mired in self-absorption, no self-reflection, unable to listen or take advice, are things Bethenny herself seems guilty of. It is said we often see in others what we donât like in ourselves. Also interesting, Bethenny is always shrieking that she doesnât want people to ask her about her life â yet here she is doing it to Sonja. Iâm sure Bethenny meant well and wanted to help, but it is ironic, if you will. I do think Bethennyâs desire to help is sincere, but again: delivery is everything. And Sonja is more impractical than lucite stripper heels.Â
Perhaps Bethenny needs to find a Skinnygirl Solution for her own messes before she swizzle sticks and Skinnygirl mixers in other peopleâs. Sonja eventually nods and says she understands, then goes upstairs to fix her smokey eye, dreaming of her home in St. Tropez which she was forced to sell. And Bethenny goes to the table where all the women lean-in close and demand the details. Bethenny feels sheâs gotten somewhere. When Sonja finally comes to dinner, only Dorinda checks to see if sheâs OK.
Then Luann decides itâs time to talk happy things â like sex! Luann has gotten some â two days ago (was it Carson?! I kid), and it was fabulous! But Luann isnât interested in love; sheâs finding herself âI am countess, hear me roarâ style; she is living life, enjoying it, finding a full-b0dy and soul connection with a man, but not looking for a commitment. I am loving the liberation of Luann. LOVING. IT. âIâve always needed a man, but now Iâm good,â Luann exalts. Sonja jokes that she canât wait to meet Luannâs new girlfriend. And everything ends on a good note â too bad itâs about to turn sour.Â
TELL US â DID BETHENNY GET THROUGH TO SONJA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
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