The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills are now holding the Hamptons hostage. Lisa Vanderpump is pissy because she’s forced to stay in a cut-rate hotel, to attend a party Farrah Abraham is crashing, to celebrate the cover of a magazine literally no one has heard of. As Bethenny Frankel said, “Is it like one of those free magazines?”
Worst of all: Lisa must pretend to be happy about this so-called honor and has dragged poor Ken along for the ride. Did Ken not look about ready to lie down under the wheels of somebody’s limo just to make the high pitched voices stop? Ken-Aged-70 isn’t over the hill, he’s over it ALL.
Still stranded at the White Party, over dinner Lisa morphs into a CIA Investigator, one step away from waterboarding Eileen Davidson with a Chanel purse and a Vodka Tonic, as she asked probing questions, carefully worded in provocative terms, about Eileen’s marriages – specifically how Eileen met Vinny and when.
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Perhaps Lisa genuinely was curious about Eileen’s past, and perhaps Eileen would have been totally comfortable discussing the ins and outs of when one marriage started and the other stopped in a more intimate environment, but Lisa was literally grilling the woman over the salad course and it was rude! I personally believe Lisa was doing it intentionally to either put Eileen on the spot, or as Erika Girardi later – astutely – observed, because LVP likes to control situations by unnerving people. Or maybe Lisa just really likes to ask crisp questions over a glass of crisp sauvignon blanc and meant no offense?
While there should be no unnerving an Emmy-winning soap diva, Eileen was visibly uncomfortable. Probably because Eileen considers Lisa a friend. Or did.
Innocent curiosity or not, Lisa should have more situational awareness.
Finally, after waiting until Eileen was exposed like an Erika Jayne costume, Kyle Richards suggests they change the subject. I don’t know why Eileen didn’t immediately stop LVP, then make a joke out of it. Interesting that Eileen has proved herself to have a little less mettle when it comes to a Vanderpump instead of a Richards. Lisa Rinna or Kyle should have interjected sooner, but let’s face it they were on the edge of their seats hoping for a juicy scoop!
I don’t know if it’s editing or Lisa is just not feeling it, but she is on a tear of bitchery lately.
The next day the ladies are doing a wine tour, then dinner at Bethenny’s. And Erika will be arriving! All the hallmarks of a lovely day! Lisa is still saying at the ghastly hotel, but dragging Nu-Giggy Ken along to the vineyard.
Over wine samples and cheese, Lipsa reveals that she googled “Erika Jayne” and is not comfortable with her softcore porn music videos and raunchy moves. Everything is getting these girls’ panties in a bunch as of late. Maybe Lipsa needs to step away from the Google and get on Pinterest instead.
Lipsa is trying not to judge Erika, but she’s can’t stop herself. Then everyone waddles off in their heels, with their maxi dresses gathered around their hips to avoid bees getting in their hoohahs.
When Erika arrives at the house, around her neck is a chainlink fence – like the kind used to secure impound lots – except it was probably made of solid gold and the congealed tears of gays who dared criticize “Painkillrz.” Lipsa is immediately unsettled by Erika’s presence. Erika is larger than life – Girardi or Jayne variety. Eileen is a fangrrrrl and wishes she could have a sexy, sassy alterego who will put even Housewives Jesus LVP in her place.
Erika, as to be expected, has absolutely no issues staying at the Capri Hotel. In fact, Erika has no qualms about being herself no matter what the situation which is entirely respectable in every way – even if she is rolling around stage in a thong and patting pusses for her supper.
Eileen, Kyle and Lipsa literally follow Erika around the house, mouth agog, as if Cher made an appearance. Erika came prepared because with women, one must always be watching and listening, A-Game on. Erika is one smart cookie, maybe because she eats cookies and in Beverly Hills that gives you an edge in brain trust? Or possibly she has big balls and an even bigger bank account, and therefore doesn’t have to bother caring what others think.
Upon leaving the Hamptons Erika and her private jet will be picking up Yolanda Foster in Cleveland. So, what? David has kicked Yo off the Cryogenic Perfection Hover Airways? I couldn’t recover while listening to elevator music ether!
Yolanda is recovering from surgery, and because it’s Yolanda, she didn’t just have explant surgery, she had the worst case of silicone leakage the world-renowned doctor has ever seen.
This is what bugs about Yolanda – all of her behaviors are so extreme: from her over-zealous smother-loving of MY LOVE David, to micro-momaging her kids (like not letting Gigi eat her graduation cake), to lecturing and directing her friends on how to behave and why, to instructing everyone on the correct way to do anything, to jetting all over the world in search of Lyme cures thus making “being ill” her defining identity.
At the same time, Yolanda seems hollow as a wooden shoe; as if she’s merely going through motions of life, but not really connecting to anything sincerely. Her passion-act seriously lacks passion.
LVP calls to check in on her favorite Hollywood Friend, and is reduced to speaking with David who compares Yolanda’s tits to Ken’s and decrees that Ken’s are nicer and bigger. DISGUSTING, DAVID! Yolanda shoots David a look that says ‘I’m gonna silicone poison you with a penile implant you f–ker.’ And he deserves it. Yet she gushes over how amazingly supportive he is in the confessional.
Yolanda is hopeful that removing the corrupted implants will allow her immune system to fight Lyme and her healing has truly begun. Me too.
Back in the Hamptons Kyle scampers over to Bethenny’s wearing her favorite I Dream Of Jeanie shoes. What were those things? Bethenny is wearing a designer clown costume. I presume that was her attempt at chic, but this is also a woman who has a giant plastic popcorn bucket included in the decorating scheme of her multi-million dollar home, which is done up like a Pier One Designer Imposters display. No wonder she and Kyle are friends.
Because Bethenny has known Kyle for 20+ years and also knows Kim and Kathy, she’s granted the privilege of asking about Kim without making Kyle issue threats. Kyle admits her presence aggravates Kim, so she’s been keeping her distance. Kyle cries. Then Kyle and Bethenny reminisce about Bethenny’s years as a cocktail waitress, Hilton child chauffeur, and dating Kyle’s ex-boyfriend.
Following that, Kyle ‘mean girls’ Erika by showing Bethenny “The Pretty Mess” instagram page so they could gawk at Erika and mock her. Bethenny doesn’t know what to make of Erika, so she insults her.
Bethenny’s rudeness only escalates when Erika arrives. Is Erika really that scandalous? Sure, Erika Jayne is, but these women are acting as if Erika Jayne is Farrah Abraham who brought her coochie mold as a hostess gift! Let’s simmer the judgement down a bit. Bethenny, a woman who talks about dicks constantly and considers herself the queen of ribald humor, pearl clutching over Erika is ridiculous.
Meanwhile LVP is liking Erika more and more. I figure Bethenny is perceptive enough to recognize that she can’t control Erika, as Bethenny is wont to do, nor wold Erika be taken-in by Bethenny’s witty attention-seeking funny girl schtick. So Frankel got frankly rude. As they say: not a good look.
Since Erika G looks none of The Pretty Mess, Bethenny does what Bethenny does when she’s insecure: immediately starts shading Erika relentlessly. Erika uses the bathroom in Bethenny’s converted shack-bar, and as she emerges Bethenny announces, “Mogul wife by day, ho by night. Bambi!” Wow – RUDE!
Erika is unfazed. Shockingly. And allows Bethenny dig her own hole.
Lipsa is suddenly feeling sick and in need of her Depends, so she excuses herself to go home. Yes, I was quite sickened of Bethenny’s shit-talking myself!
Over dinner Bethenny insists on watching Erika’s video and her rudeness increases. I know, you thought, that’s not possible, right? She just called a guest in her home, whom she had met mere minutes before, a “ho” and THOT-shamed her over an instagram page.
Upon watching the video, Bethenny lectures Erika about the poor production quality – because Bethenny is the expert – She also complains it’s trying too hard and Erika’s branding isn’t cohesive. Because selling microwaved popcorn requires knowledge of performance art? Eileen interjects that the production value looks great and even LVP agrees. It was nice to see the ladies shout-down Bethenny’s criticisms even though Erika can most certainly hold her own, because as Erika explains she doesn’t know anything about being skinny, nor is she a girl. Instead she’s a multifaceted woman confident enough for two personalities. Juggle that, Frankel! Plus Erika is happily married and has great skin.
“I’m not going to tell anybody what to do with their Skinnygirl shit, so she shouldn’t tell me what to do with mine. Anybody can make a margarita,” declares Erika. Gauntlet – actually Cartier Panther Whip – thrown.
Since Bethenny considers herself such an expert, Erika challenges her to try a few Erika Jayne dance moves. Pat the puss Bethenny cannot. While attempting the EJ version of ‘the Bend and Snap’ Bethenny actually rips her shorts, which let’s be honest – they were probably Bryn’s capris that Bethenny Expert On All Things repurposed.
In my mind Erika then patted Bethenny gently on her frizzy bob, smiled, and said, ‘If you ever need any advice on sex appeal, let me know. I’m an expert at marketing that sort of thing, Skinnygirl.’
Erika and Lisa are designed to be friends. Leriska Forever!
The next day, Erika and Lisa ride to the house from their lowly hotel for a day spent shopping for things no sane person would want: a self-help book by Bethenny and a kaftan from Kyle. Lisa drills Erika about her marriage and husband. Erika confidently tells Lisa she adores Tom, loves playing the trophy wife, and has no problem being judged. LVP may make Eileen uncomfortable by saying the letter “A,” but Erika is a tougher nut to crack!
Eileen is still reeling from her awkward While Party conversation with LVP and confides to Lipsa that it made mistrust Lisa’s motives. Lipsa encourages Eileen to be honest with Lisa to deepen their friendship.
When Lisa arrives Eileen pulls her aside for a chat, but it does not go well. All LVP had to do was apologize for making Eileen uncomfortable and explain it was accidental. Instead they ended up in some circuitous tangental conversation during which Lisa blamed Eileen for not asserting herself, then found herself compared to Brandi who threw wine in Eileen’s face last season.
Needless to say Eileen went out feeling worse than when she went in, and Lisa certainly didn’t behave like a friend would. Lisa and Bethenny need some sensitivity training seminars.
TELL US – WAS LISA TRYING TO PUT EILEEN ON THE SPOT, OR DID HER CURIOSITY GO TOO FAR? WAS BETHENNY RUDE TO ERIKA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]