Last night was part one of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion. Phaedra Parks was most certainly on the hot seat. That must explain why her gown was bathed in golden embers! When Phaedra wasn’t being bathed in the fruits of her shade, Kenya Moore was being read for the filth by everyone – even Andy Cohen! And I have to say YES, Bravo, YES! Finally and thank you. It was time.
So it begins with the drama that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends… between Phaedra and Kenya. Phaedra is deemed the shadiest of them all, but some people aren’t appreciative of such witticisms. Like Kenya “Oatmeal Pie Face” Moore. She complains that Phaedra was “attacking” her looks, therefore putting down all women and their respective chocolate-ness.
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Perhaps Phaedra enjoys oatmeal cream pie and wasn’t necessarily insulting Kenya? Regardless, isn’t Kenya the very same woman who called Phaedra fat? I’d say that’s attacking her looks! Mirror, mirror – who’s the most delusional of them all!? Then, of course, Kenya fights fire with fire by attacking Phaedra’s looks again.
Kenya climbs up on her pageant soapbox, that mighty crowing weighing heavily on her psyche, to declare her own beauty as compared to Phaedra’s. “In my world, you wouldn’t even be my third runner up. You wouldn’t even be ON the stage where I stand,” decries Ms. WHO-S-A, (who has not stood on that stage in 20+ years but has apparently gotten confused about the passage of time. Perhaps it’s more of oatmeal pie for brains?). The only competition Kenya is winning these days is Miss Unreality (Hosted by The Bailey Agency at the Lennox Square Mall!)
Even Andy has had it with the absurdity coming from Team Twirl. “Do you think it’s different from the shade you throw?” he asks. And the answer is…. NO ANSWER. And let’s deflect some more!
Discussing Moore Hair Care and if it is really 100% water and snake oil, Kenya claims it will be be sold in CVS stores within the next 6 months. In the pet care department? Anyway, I’ll believe it when I see it (and I don’t believe I’ll be seeing it.).
Todd hops out for a few minutes to talk about Baby Ace and fatherhood. There’s a video of Todd sampling Kandi Burruss‘s breast milk from a bottle. He admits (at Andy’s urging), “It’s better from the tap.” EWWWWW – and we thought Kim Fields teasing about whether or not she’s wearing underwear was TMI! Atlanta and Class go together like oil and water – or Kenya and Porsha Williams!
Sheree Whitfield joins the group, but Andy quickly switches his affections to Kim. Poor Kim remains besieged by questions about whether or not she belongs on a show about ratchet harridans pretending to be well-behaved Jesus-lovin’ ladies. “I still don’t know if it’s a good fit,” she answers truthfully. But here she be, bravely trekking on, baring her life. No, she did not bring her kids with her (They were waiting in the next sound stage over. #Sarcasm).
Kenya obviously has no problem admitting that she doesn’t want Kim and her ‘arrogance’ back, she rambles on about how Kim is condescending. Interestingly, all the ladies agree that Kim doesn’t mesh: Phaedra says she doesn’t engage, Kandi thinks Kim tries too hard to avoid conflict, Porsha calls her “a little judgmental,” but like everyone’s favorite spinster aunt. Cynthia Bailey tactfully explains that Kim merely seemed “uncomfortable, more than judgmental.”
About the DC trip, Kim has no regrets about her lack of childcare since it was presented as a kids trip, and she came accordingly. I’ve never heard of a play date in a congresswoman’s office, but I don’t live Kim’s life. Sheree describes Kim as a hot mess, and judges her accordingly. Sheree does not judge Porsha for oozing all over Kairo like cougar saliva – instead she encourages Porsha to “put some money” in that poor struggling college kid’s account! The Eye Candy Account! Kandi is miffed that she wasn’t invited. Phaedra blames her advanced pregnancy.
Which is cue for Andy to hop onto the “roller coaster ride” of Kandi and Phaedra’s un-friendship. Kandi has no idea where they stand, but she believes they both want things to be better, but they have no idea how to get there.
Phaedra brought Kandi chicken salad after Ace was born and believes that makes it all good. Jesus fixed it – the chicken salad, that is. He made it with his own two hands (from heritage chickens from Noah’s Arc.). I love chicken salad – and Lord knows Kandi does, but I don’t think that and a few flowers are gonna fix months of arguments, misunderstandings, shit-talking each other’s spouses, and covert harboring of a felon’s belongings. Kandi does love chicken though…
So, despite Phaedra’s generous gesture, there are grievances to be aired. Phaedra does not get the same liberties as Mama Joyce and Kandi is furious about Phaedra going “all the way in” with the things she said about Todd and his career. “I am veeeerrrrry protective,” Kandi warns, with a shaking voice. Kandi insists she would never come for anyone’s spouse.
I generally agree that was totally uncalled for, however in this instance, Phaedra and Todd’s problems obviously go deep. It was beyond Phaedra being a catty bitch ‘Kenya-ing‘ Kandi by also disparaging her marriage. The issue is Apollo and Todd’s closeness. Which is honestly, in my opinion, the reason this friendship won’t be salvaged. Phaedra doesn’t have remorse for her statements, because she’s still livid over Kandi casting her aside to join Team Apollo.
Case in point: “I’ve apologized; I’ve tried to move forward,” defends Phaedra. “But then I found out about the stuff in her garage that I never knew about.” Kandi insists she wasn’t being “two-faced” – she assumed Phaedra knew (Cynthia Bailey echoes this). “He wasn’t trying to hide it,” Kandi argues in Apollo’s defense. I call BULLSHIT! Cynthia and Kandi BOTH knew Phaedra wasn’t aware. They were either directly complicit in keeping either Apollo’s secret, or keeping Apollo’s secret vis-a-vis their husbands. Phaedra clearly doesn’t believe them either, because she point-blank asks Kandi why it never came up if she wasn’t intentionally trying to conceal said information.
“We both said stuff about each other,” adds an emotional Phaedra. She complains that Kandi accused her of trying to get pity and sympathy for the Apollo mess. “The only people on this show who supported me through that tumultuous time were NeNe and Porsha,” seethes Phaedra.
Andy questions Phaedra about her video with Todd, and compares it to Phaedra demanding payment upfront from Sheree a few seasons back. Phaedra insists the agreement was always to pay in installments. Today, she can happily announce that Todd has all his money – even if she did only finish paying him last week! “That’s convenient,” mutters Kenya. What’s inconvenient is that Phaedra still hasn’t received a completed video and is now paying another company to re-edit. I’ve got an idea – since no one can even remember the last time Phaedra was pregnant, Todd should just photoshop Kandi’s head onto Phaedra’s body in the video and market it as “Burning The Kandi Off.”
Discussing Don Juan and the Kandi Koated Klique, Phaedra says she would never allow her employees behave so unprofessionally. Porsha complains that Don Juan took it way to the left by making personal attacks. Kandi defends him because he was defending Todd, which doesn’t fly with Phaedra, who reminds Kandi that Todd was running around talking “all this old mess” about her. Of course, the difference being, what Todd said happened to be true – Phaedra hadn’t paid Todd $30k! “You can discuss if it’s true, but if it’s not true, that’s when you can’t discuss it!” Boom – point goes to Kandi there. “If I go in and let have, it’s gonna be true!”
Andy, and everyone else, tires of Kandi and Phaedra arguing, so he brings it back to something we’re definitely NOT bored of: Kenya arguing with Porsha and Phaedra! Phaedra lays her head down in Porsha’s lap and feigns sleeping.
Kenya was definitely ready for a little attention brought back to whatever the hell was going on atop her head and started TEXTING during the reunion – Matt had a critical question about puppy food. “Matt can figure it out,” Andy snaps. Kenya repays the favor by making an distasteful gay joke about swallowing.
Finally moving it into new feuds for the new season, it’s time for “information vs. instigation” or Kenya vs. Kim (Round 2 of 25,000).
Of course, we have to take it way back to the beginning where Kim supposedly insulted the earth-shattering work of television genius Life Twirls Nowhere. Kim claims she praised Kenya’s talent as a comedic actress (don’t lie, Kim), because despite Kenya’s insistence that she was insulting the show, she wasn’t. Kenya cannot handle any constructive criticism! She snaps to Kim, “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you – I brought you into this group.” (Don’t lie – you are not getting a production credit for Real Housewives Of Atlanta and “I’m Kim Fields” is not hanging out with you unless in a paid professional capacity – and not even that.)
Kenya complains that Chris was critiquing LTO, even though she only gave to Kim to view. Andy points out how irrational this is. I love seeing him FINALLY take a stand with Krayonce. It is clear Kim is not having it – she has reached her limit and is not holding back. Parting gift? “Where’s she been all season?!” quips Sheree.
Apparently even though Kenya pretended to want Kim’s feedback – she didn’t need it being that their careers are on the same level. In fact, Kim has now groveled at Kenya’s feet by convincing her she’s worthy of RHOA. “I don’t think her career has been better than mine,” deludes Kenya.
With a straight face, Kenya says of Kim, “She’s on the stage that I’m the star of right now. She’s here coming for my part.” OK – seriously does she have any idea how insane she sounds? I’m legit concerned. The other women snicker. Are we considering Real Housewives Of Atlanta a career accomplishment? Mmmmkay, the bar for Kenya is super low. Like so low, Kenya’s puppies could jump over it. “I’ll let social media enjoy that soundbite,” Kim snarks. YES, Kim! Put that IQ on display, by not getting caught up in the messiness!
Finally we must discuss the ‘mercial. Kenya blames “Moore Manor” for missing the pitch meeting. When Andy questions her about “getting in Kim’s face” in Jamaica he compares her behavior to Porsha’s. Kenya does not see the similarities, but she does admit she was wrong and out of line. That apology sounded about as legit as NeNe’s hair.
Porsha points out Kenya’s habit of provoking people “You pushed [Kim] to her breaking point, you just happened not to get the reaction that you deserved,” snaps Porsha. Amen! Kim’s classiness level is as high as her hair! The higher the hair, the closer to God! Kim stopped herself from reacting in that moment and is thankful Chris was able to support her afterwards. Afterwards being the infamous ‘I’m Kim Fields!’ comment that Kenya is most betwirled into a tizzy over.
Cynthia is called out for not stopping Kenya’s rampage. She felt Kim could handle it until the chair incident, then she expressed to Kenya numerous times – on and off camera – that she was out of line. Andy reads a viewer question accusing Kenya of being jealous of Kim’s success. Kenya responds by insulting Kim, referring to her as a “child star,” then saying her career ended in the 90’s. Andy gloriously points out that Kenya is still proclaiming her victory as Miss USA, which happened around the time the US won the Revolutionary War. Kenya follows this ignorance of fact up by bragging about of her own success again and that she can pay her bills. Kandi makes a “Yeah f–king right!’ face. Oh the silent shade!
Kenya continues to rail against the impertinent arrogance of Kim believing she’s better than everyone, as illustrated by her “I”m Kim Fields!” comment. Andy and Kandi point out that Kenya just referred to herself the “star” of RHOA, so who’s arrogant?! Furthermore Kandi loved Kim’s”cocky moment,” and enjoyed seeing her “boss up!”
“It’s not arrogance when your resume adds up,” praises Phaedra. Kenya and Kim bicker go back and forth about arrogance vs. not arrogance. Finally Kim loses it over Kenya’s constant interrupting. Kenya whines that it’s her stage and her reunion and her show, so she can interrupt if she wants, especially since Kim isn’t her mommy (although she is slamming doors in her face and Kenya is projecting mighty much). Kim calls Kenya a child. Kim wants to make her points in peace. “We are bored,” sulks Kenya, but Andy interjects that he wants to hear Kim’s point. Kenya tries to interrupt again, so Kim gets all ‘Mean Mommy’ with clenched teeth and ‘this is your last warning’ finger. “Say something…” she hisses, in that ‘I dare you to test me’ tone. I am LIVING for Kim’s Boss-Up moment. Everyone else on the stage is to. Whose stage is it again, Kenya?!
Kim calls interrupting a form of bullying (really??). Kenya disputes this, rebutting that she knows bullying – she has been bullied by everyone on RHOA! We need a delusion intervention. Kenya is the worst ‘bully’ ON this show – she provokes, prevaricates, threatens, intimidates, lies, rages – anything to get her way – then cries and whines victim when questioned or confronted. “I can’t take it,” bemoans Sheree , collapsing onto Kandi’s shoulder. I cannot either. Time for She By SheBroke to rise-up and check some booooollshit!
TELL US – DID KENYA DESERVE TO A READING RAINBOW? WERE PHAEDRA’S COMMENTS ABOUT TODD OUT OF LINE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]