real housewives of Orange County reunion
Happy Election Day. Or is it unhappy? What’s more distressing: The 2016 presidential election, or a Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion? I can’t choose who won or lost the debates that happened on Bravo’s biggest stage last night, moderated by Andy Cohen, who believes in hard-hitting journalism – like how did Tamra Judge achieve such a great ass?!

So, I might kinda love Kelly Dodd. Throw me under the bus in Ireland – I don’t care.

Sure, Kelly is crazy and shoots her mouth off, but really – Tamra never met an F-bomb or a crass comment she didn’t like, and Shannon Beador willingly admits being friends with a woman whose “trademark thing” is going around accusing people of “sucking d–k for money,” so what I’m saying is that the high horse bucked y’all off, and told you to get in the donkey pen with the other asses.

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But first we have to talk about Brooks. Even though we don’t want to, and Vicki Gunvalson doesn’t want to. But Brooks broke Real Housewives Of Orange County. And he broke Vicki.

Actually Brooks is still tainting Vicki’s Whoo-Hoos so that she gets the sloppy, sullen kind of drunk with embarrassing reveals, like that she hopes to see Brooks in heaven because he’s her soulmate. Heather Dubrow had the one-liner of the night when she wondered if they let cancer scammers into Heaven? Tamra, Jesus’ personal soulmate who does Booty By Bible workouts in her online church group, decrees that no, Brooks will not be in heaven. But she will. All the side-eyes. Allllllll the side-eyes.

Boy did discussing Brooks make Vicki short-circuit! I thought she was gonna blow an eyelift, or pop a Spanx, or break into that backstage Xanax supply. She was bobbling around the sofa, bouncing up and down, lecturing Andy, and talking in tongues. She literally started speaking in tongues! It was a secret language formerly only known to Sheree Whitfield. They do say Satan is confusing – we need Rosetta Stone – Satan Level 1 to comprehend the complexities of Vicki, Brooks, and the Love Tank in The Pits of Hell and Hallmark. But know this: Vicki did not send flowers to herself in Ireland – and Heather is not funny just cause she’s Jewish, no matter what Kelly says!

Also Brooks is now going by Dum-Dum-Dum… in his native language of Saton.

Vicki hates to love Brooks

Vicki goes on an extended tirade about how she did not scam and none of us understand her love, or who Brooks really was, or the depths of their love. She’s right – none of us understand how a 50+ year old woman suddenly morphed into an adolescent crushing on Jordan Catalano. It’s Vicki’s So-Called Life, though! It’s also Vicki’s show and if Shannon doesn’t want to forgive she can boot her own ass off Psycho Friends island because Vicki is done giving tourists VISA’s.

Love is blind. Love is crazy. and Empty Love Tanks make one fill with excuses and bizarre justifications.

Or something like that. But Shannon can’t forgive Vicki. Shannon can say the word “forgiveness” three times fast while punching the pillow David sleeps on in the guest room, but that won’t make the forgiveness happen. Shannon insists that a month before filming Vicki admitted to lying. Vicki’s witchy finger inches up like an antenna and starts taking Shannon to task. I was afraid Heather had a patent on the bossy mom finger and might slap Vicki with a Cease and Desist, but maybe her face was too frozen to properly react.

Eventually Vicki shouted Shannon down in time for Andy to ask how she can be in love with Steve, while still soulmating Brooks hard. It’s a process. Steve and Vicki talk about it all the time. Also, in Ireland they had only been together two weeks – just long enough for Vicki to figure out how to spell his last name and have flowers sent to the hotel as a “surprise.”

Even though Vicki demanded Andy stop asking abut Brooks, Andy, cunningly, looked right around Vicki to address what Kelly thinks. Kelly’s too self-obsessed to really care, so she’s like whatev, lemme tell you how TAMRA is a bad Christian. I present Exhibit A – she’s two-faced.Tamra

Who else laughed at Tamra’s face when Kelly called her a bad Christian. (If it’s just me, I’m fine with that). You know what makes it funnier – Tamra doesn’t see the irony in her going on and on about faith saving her, while assaulting people, screaming obscenities in their faces, talking trash, gossiping, and being an in-general rage-a-holic. Even worse – Tamra doesn’t see the irony in her lambasting Kelly for these very same behaviors! They say we dislike those who remind us of ourselves. But I dislike Tamra, so maybe I should stop right there with this line of reasoning.

Tamra is two-faced – she has trash-talked and gossiped about everyone on this show – and the other women acting like this is a shockingly unfounded allegation makes me wonder what Andy’s slipping in the pinot over there at RHOC Reunion Headquarters. Then Tamra and Kelly bickered nonsensically about who did something awful to the other one first. I think Tamra won that round by basis of being able to complete and comprehend sentences better. It was Kelly’s first-ever reunion argument, so she was still getting her bearings on how to fight dirty.

rhoc-reunion heather-tamra-shannon

We interrupt this toxic recap to bring you something momentarily pleasant: Meghan Edmonds baby bump! That’s it – we’re done, back to the regularly scheduled negativity.

Shannon and Vicki argue over David and Vicki arguing at the 70’s party. Shannon wants it known that she DOES NOT condone David’s language, and he does NOT talk to her like that at home, but Vicki DID get in his face. Meghan, The Millennial, who is a hard and fast feminist, believes equality says David’s behavior toward Vicki was OK because it promotes equality among the sexes. Although this is coming from Meghan who is married to Jimmy Dad Jeans who would rather watch golf than his wife being impregnated. I like Megs, but ummm… I’m not with HER on this one.

Kelly

So let’s talk about Kelly. The Kurious Kase Of Kelly Dodd. I love how her dress came with attached noose around her own neck, cause Kelly really does not need much rope to hang herself! Andy dubs her the “most polarizing Housewife” ever. I think Tamra was miffed Kelly snatched that title right out from under her amazing ass, and all Tamra got in exchange was a cheap-ass trophy in a fitness competition held in middle school auditorium. Can’t win ’em all, right?!

Kelly has no regrets about how she treated the other women this season, but she does feel bad that she was so awful to Michael. The show was a big wake-up call for Kelly about how she treats her marriage, and watching it together was not easy. Vicki had had to play marriage counselor [insert hysterical laugh here] after one episode.

Shockingly Michael wasn’t upset over the results of the bizarre divorce personality eval that diagnosed him a narcissist but KELLY AS SANE, because he’s very successful and has a big ego.

“That’s not a narcissist,” whispers Shannon to Tamra. They’re experts because Tamra was once married to Simon, worst husband in the history of bad husbands everywhere. Tamra argues that narcissists don’t change and Michael is changing, so what – Kelly lied? Tamra misunderstood – Meghan asked if Michael agreed with the diagnosis, and Kelly answered that he didn’t disagree. Kelly inquires if Tamra has a PhD in psychology, which clearly she does from the Andy Cohen Online Institute for Modern Houswifery, specializing in brutalist confrontations and fake-ness interventions. Tamra also has a degree in flex-o-christianity, with a minor in baptismal lap swimming, obtained from the workout room at the YMCA. Plus she’s been married three times and is a narcissist herself, so there’s that!

Shannon

Next, it’s time to discuss Shannon. Shannon is annoyed that we’re still talking about The AFFAIR a year (two?) later, so she’s ready to talk about KELLY’s alleged affair instead! Shannon has some dirt. Shannon, who did not conspire to set Kelly up and had no idea Nina and Jaci were going to behave so suspiciously at her 70’s party when they just haaaaapppennned to have juicy gossip about Kelly they had to share.

I said it then, and I’ll say it now: Shannon set Kelly up at that party and even Andy knows it. The other women playing pretend-confused look ridiculous. Re-viewing the footage of Shannon awkwardly trying to start the ball rolling on Nina and Jaci’s trashtalk about Kelly, it was painfully obvious. Obviously Kelly’s reaction was n’atrocious.

Shannon insists she had no motive, but she was all too eager to coax Jaci into commenting about Kelly’s life in between Michaels. Then Shannon unloads about how Kelly had an affair which “damaged a family” because the guy she got engaged to was still married. Apparently Shannon communicated with this wife, who showed her phone records and other proof that Kelly was dating the woman’s husband when he was still married. Kelly denies she had an affair, and instructs Shannon to “blame him.” Instead Shannon is blaming Kelly for knowing the guy was married. This is interesting. Shannon is seeing David’s affair in Kelly. And Vicki. Shannon is projecting.

Andy is annoyed that Shannon is wasting time talking about a family who’s not on the show. Which I found amusing. It did seem like Shannon in cahoots with Jaci and Nina who were gunning for Kelly. Even Tamra wanted to admit it, just a bit, but then she remembered how few allies she has left. Shannon’s behavior was just entirely too suspicious – especially after Shannon unloaded about Kelly’s finance situation and was extremely emotional. “Why does it bother you,” inquired Andy. Um… because EVERYTHING bothers Shannon?

As for Kelly, she has no regrets. Nada! Certainly not for screaming, “No wonder your husband cheated on you,” at Shannon during the party. Kelly felt bad at the time, but hind-sight is 20/20. Actually Kelly’s hindsight has X-Ray vision that sees inside your soul, and Shannon’s is rotten to the core!

Heather

Cool as ice, unflappably calm, Kelly accuses Shannon of setting her up to cause “DRA-MA.” I think we all know there’s more to it than that – Shannon disliked Kelly on principal because she knew ‘of her’ in Newport due to the affair situation. Kelly came out to tell the women about her fiancé and separation from Michael, but Shannon apparently knew or believed there was more to the story, and reeling from David’s infidelity was mad on principal and wanted to expose her. If Shannon would have handled this set-up with a bit more aplomb, if she were at all smooth, she could have gotten away with it, and Kelly would have looked like the paranoid loon. Instead Shannon bungled it and became super defensive, with zero recovery. And I’m not gonna lie – the Mrs. Roper costume didn’t help. I have bad outfit bias.

TELL US – DID SHANNON SET KELLY UP? BEST AND WORST DRESSED? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

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