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Below Deck Recap - Jen Howell

Ugh – what can even be said about last night’s Below Deck, except Disco makes more sense? I mean, Kate Chastain is in a cult and gone mad, Chris Brown is absolutely bafflingly sucky, and everyone wants Brianna Adekeye to suck their summin-summin.

With one charter out the door, the crew is in da club and Jen Howell is in the cups. Actually, she’s in the jungle juice and drowning in it. Jen’s messiness is also messing up Kate’s ‘date’ with sexy Aqua Jesus, who truth be told is just OOOOKaaay looking, but Kate has some weird taste in significant others, to say the least! With someone else assuming responsibility for Jen – for once! – Kate and J2.0 depart for his heavenly waters. “What would Jesus do?” Kate says, “Me.” Indeed. 

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County seemed to have a lot going on. Tucked under the little flaps of skin were a million hidden clues, and insinuations, and tepidly it seemed like some pretty interesting shifts were taking place.

For instance, suddenly Tamra Judge is annoyed with Shannon Beador. I say suddenly, but really it’s just that she’s suddenly like perma-annoyed. I get it, obviously – Shannon is a stage five clinger who’s hot glue-gunned to your ass like a sequined bikini in a fitness competition. Anyway, it’s obvious that Tamra is up to something big and she’s not quite aligning herself to anyone, is she? After complaining about Peggy Sulahian, she’s suddenly liking her?! “Peggy’s got balls,” Tamra tells us, smirking.

David Foster

David Foster has been accused of ditching Yolanda Hadid when he got sick of her being sick. The ex-husband of the former Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills star denies that Lyme was the only reason for their split.

David also defends his treatment of Yolanda during their marriage, and insists they both tried to make it work even though rumor had it that he got sick of paying for hallucinogenic elephant healing in Thailand?

Tom D'Agostino and Luann de Lesseps

Tongues have been wagging (not at the Regency Hotel this time!) that Tom D’Agostino is already engaged again, even though he hasn’t finalized his divorce from Luann de Lesseps.

After a whirlwind and tumultuous courtship, Luann and Tom were married for less than a year when those indefatigable cheating rumors popped up again and the Real Housewives Of New York star announced their split. While both parties deny infidelity and insist their split was amicable, Tom has already been linked to socialite and PR rep Anna Rothschild who was recently spotted wearing a 15 carat diamond on that finger. 

Teresa Giudice Book Signing

Despite a questionable grasp on both the English language and sanity, Teresa Giudice is a published author 6 times over. Gag me with a Fabulicious spaghetti noodle. After publishing 4 cookbooks, Teresa went to prison and got into the genre of writing memoirs about her life. But, living a crazy life is definitely one thing Teresa is qualified to espouse about!

To promote her newest memoir, Standing Strong, which will be released in October, the Real Housewives Of New Jersey star announced that she’ll be doing a series of book signings with fans who want an in-person glimpse of the ever-resilient Mrs. Giudice

Tamra Judge

Well, Tamra Judge has tried and tried again to give Vicki Gunvalson the opportunity to do right, but once again that didn’t happen. Things were instead inflamed – again – when Vicki invited Tamra’s ex-bestie Ricky to her party to fuel speculation about Eddie’s sexuality. Tamra insists she’s definitely DONE! hearing Vicki’s lies.

Really? Cause this season of Real Housewives Of Orange County is only half over and then there is the reunion… “Come on! These lies are getting ridiculous,” Tamra protests. “I’m a girl that gets over things in five minutes and gives many chances, but it’s time for me to move on. I can’t listen to her lies anymore. She’s so toxic and delusional, I just couldn’t deal with it.”

Teresa Giudice, Ashley Darby & Brandi Glanville Perform The Vagina Monologues

When Real Housewives collide there’s usually trouble, but when Teresa Giudice got together with Brandi Glanville and Ashley Darby for a performance of The Vagina Monologues they all had a wonderful time! Teresa and Brandi getting along is a sign the apocalypse is coming, right?

“That picture says it all. #laughs #goodtimes #girlsjustwanttohavefun #ohio @brandiglanville & @ashleyboalchdarby #aftershow #didmyownmakeup @robinsclosetboutique,” the Real Housewives Of New Jersey mom captioned the above photo. “This is how we spent most of our time. I love these gals. #girlsgirls,” Ashley added.

Jen Howell Gets drunk

Last night, Below Deck was plagued by more crew issues as one man fell asleep, another fell ill, a stewardess fell into the clutches of Jesus, and a fourth fell into a toilet while wasted. Good times!

Well, where on the yacht is Chris Brown, y’all?! Captain Lee Rosbach sure wants to know! While his fellow-deck hands are busting butt to prepare for charter, Chris Brown is passed out in his bunk after a night of partying too hard. I was hoping we’d see a Captain Lee explosion when he discovered Chris Brown put booze before valor, but unfortunately the first mate fell ill the day before the charter and that superseded any Chris Brown drama. For now.