You guys… I’m losing my patience with Vanderpump Rules. I know, I know – it’s only like the 4th episode, but it’s the 8th (EIGHTH) season of the same drama, with the same cast members largely forced together for the sake of the show.
Would Ariana Madix and Stassi Schroeder have spoken to each other in the last 5 years, let alone still have something to argue about, if it weren’t for this show? Nope, not at all. In fact Stassi likely would’ve moved somewhere else, save for being on TV. Would Kristen Doute still be lurking around, carrying her cloud of dingy destruction, after sleeping with Stassi’s then-boyfriend Jax Taylor, then sleeping with Jax’s now fiancé, Brittany Cartwright? No, absolutely not.
Would Scheana Marie still be working as a waitress at SUR, sexually harassing post-adolescent boys, if it weren’t for Vanderpump Rules? Well, yeah probably. Would Tom 2 and Katie Maloney have gotten married? Not likely. But here we are celebrating the momentous occassion of Jax having been on reality TV for so long that he’s run out of storylines and the only sensational thing that remains is getting married. It’s a sad way to fizzle into obscurity for the man who kept up a lie about sleeping with his girlfriend’s best friend with a woman who happened to be the girlfriend of his best friend, and doing this on the sofa while the boyfriend/bestie was in the next room, passed out. Twice.
Also they’re all homeowners and book owners now. People with non-prestigious, non-careers, and plenty of money. At this point the fourth wall is made of those foam blocks they have at indoor play gyms, because if we don’t acknowledge that Kristen was able to afford her house with Bravo paychecks, we’re otherwise forced to pretend she earned it from her t-shirt line. Or from her self-help dating book. Of which she is the worst advertisement of all time.
Anyway, Kristen is moving in while wearing a t-shirt which I originally thought read “Little Meth” and that seemed apt. It took me until Ariana arrived to realize I was wrong. (It actually said “Little Method” which I don’t get). Ariana was I guess there to supervise Kristen having a fake oops moment because some of Carter’s boxes accidentally got mixed in with her stuff? Um, Kristen so told the movers to grab them so he’d have a reason to call her. Or he’s actually moving in.
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Kristen claims it’s a box of their sex toys. Of which apparently Carter got custody of. But honestly why would you even want to re-use sex toys? Especially ones previously used by Kristen Doute. Who slept with both Jax and Brittany, who even through the TV seem like bathe in beer cheese and AquaNet. Ariana is further shocked when Kristen confesses that just that morning she slept with Carter. But they’re broken up!! She promises! This was last hurrah sex which comes just after closure sex and closure cuddles, and post-closure sex, and post-closure drive me to my eye appointment so I can get dilated, followed by pre-closure sex and the only thing left is foreclosure foreplay, which comes after all your friends ditch you for being a pathological liar with co-dependency issues. Frankly I’d rather Kristen have a codependency on sex toys.
Then they all hop on a plane to Miami. Tom 1 and Stassi still aren’t speaking. And over at TomTom Lisa Vanderpump is playing detective in the vein of Angela Lansbury (with cellphones not typewriters) about what exactly happened between at the book signing. Lisa enlists Max Boyens as her ‘Watson,’ but he’s about as helpful as a sea sponge in a pool of Mountain Dew. Tom 1 admits the texts he sent to Stassi were wrong (they were), but justifies his outburst at TomTom as being all Tom 2‘s fault because he didn’t plan better or involve Tom in the planning.
Tom 2, meanwhile, admits that Tom 1 was in the wrong, but reassures Lisa that it was just a stress-based overreaction. Obviously Stassi is still scarred and needs lifelong therapy over Tom threatening to kick her out of an establishment where she gets free drinks.
At the airport Tom makes a halfhearted attempt to apologize, but winds up just mansplaining to Stassi how planning works, then trying to blame her for throwing a party without notifying the 5% of the ownership who might have had to tend bar due to Tom 2′s ineptitude in organizing. While I do agree that this party hinged on the planning skills of Tom 2, a man who was so disorganized about breaking up with Katie that he wound up marrying her after bathing himself in river water and also doesn’t know which bank he uses, Tom 1’s reaction was ABSOLUTELY UNHINGED. That said, Stassi screaming at Tom 1 and calling him a jealous dick in front of his restaurant staff – also unhinged. Furthermore, didn’t Stassi once have a party-planning business, shouldn’t she have some empathy about what’s involved in throwing a largish event?
Also at the airport Stassi reportedly found her book hidden in the back of a bookstore and made a big show of moving it to the front. Which fine: Stassi ‘wrote’ a book, so by all means promote that shit so your ghostwriter at least makes decent money, but Ariana was apparently overheard (by Katie) accusing Stassi of planting the book in the bookstore because Ariana was in there for 45 minutes (doing what?!) but never saw “Basic Bitch.” Someone – either Lala Kent, Katie or Stassi called Ariana a “whore” under their breath.
The first night in Miami all the guys hit a strip club and I’m shocked what the Bravo/NBC sensors are permitted to show on a show with a 14+ rating, but there is Jax motor-boating fake boobs and enough g-string to put a Victoria’s Secret to shame.
Beau Clark had a full-fledged panic attack because naked girls make him nervous. Look, I think strip clubs are disgusting too, and I get where Beau is coming from, but just don’t go. Something about him… it’s like he’s trying to be vintage Tom 2. He’s just too much.
To avoid strippers (and also try to get a job on Vanderpump Rules) Beau decides he will ‘be a man’ by confronting Tom 1 about the texts he sent Stassi. That went nowhere, because Tom 1 wound up mansplaining his behavior to Beau, who fondled a streetlamp pole with anxiety, but I do think the streetlamp learned something about appropriate communication styles. Beau decides Tom 1 is a total dick, only because Stassi made a rule that they’re not allowed to be friends now. I do think something weird is happening to Tom 1 though – his ego is growing out of control!
Meanwhile the girls put on ‘tacky’ wedding attire and hit the club. Lala looked demure and covered up. Katie’s dress was actually less tacky and less ugly than her actual wedding dress. Scheana wore ruffled bike shorts. Because of course. And Kristen, wearing mariposa lace wings and no underwear got so drunk she fell down, then whipped Brittany into a lacy frenzy by insisting the club was mocking her marriage when they brought out a huge sign that said “Don’t Do It, Brittany!” I mean this is obviously a schtick they do with anyone getting married. And it’s obviously something that anyone would laugh off … Unless you secretly know that marrying Jax is the wrong, wrong, wrooooong thing to do! Girl, you’re projecting cause you know you’re marrying a cheating lying loser with a fake identity he made for TV.
Brittany winds up crying in a giant bouffant dress, because no one wants to celebrate her love, and arguing with Lala about the the club’s intent with their Etsy letter board. Then Kristen insists Lala doesn’t understand Brittany’s feelings just like no one understands her feelings! Thankfully Lala, now sober, has some sense to not fully engage in this mess.
Lala’s attitude is that people talk shit about her all the time, and like Mariposa, she rises above, but Brittany has been under the influence of Kritter-Kristen, so she is burrowing deep in drama. For instance all day on twitter people call out Lala for giving BJs in exchange for material goods. The good feminist that she is, Lala dismisses all of them as jealous because the only thing these girls get for giving blow jobs is a 1999 Honda Civic. LALA — you should give “Your man” a BJ cause you want to, not because you expect luxury goods. That is called ESCORTING (and it’s illegal in 49 states!). Also what part of feminism condones calling another woman a “whore”?
The next morning Jax wakes up and insists he was so not into the strip club because he’s a changed man. Cut to footage of Jax asking Tom 1 if he can leave Brittany for a stripper, and getting very up close and personal with so many strippers. Yeah, maybe that letter board was trying to tell Brittany something…
Then they all get on a boat – supposedly a yacht – to party. All the girls are wearing “Team Bride” one-piece bathing suits with “Jax Got It Wright” sunglasses. Jax pretends to be grateful to Tom 1 for organizing – and paying! – for all of this, but behind his back complains that it’s a party barge not a yacht. Um, Jax — that’s about the classiness level you and Brittany deserve. You eat cheese out of a can and mix it with beer…
Back at SUR Lisa has a heart-to-heart with Dayna Kathan about how Scheana is being mean to her. Lisa smirks that it’s all part of the initiation ceremony at SUR and that Dayna will have to find a way to deal with it that’s suitably dramatic enough for reality TV glory, because that is why she was hired after all!
Meanwhile Scheana complains to Lala that she can’t stand Dayna because she doesn’t wear a bra to work. And Lala, hilariously, calls out Scheana for being spiteful that Dayna is dating Max by pointing out, “You’re mad at her tits now?” Scheana is mad that she’s been working in a bar since the beginning of time and is going to wind up turning into the actual hostess stand she’s been there so long.
Lala and Kristen also manage to have a heart-to-heart, which involves Kristen accidentally confessing that she’s sleeping with Carter. Lala is shocked but not shocked all the same.
That evening all the girls go to dinner at Katsuya and Brittany is all excited for a fun, drama-free night celebrating her love. Except she brought her fake reality TV friends, but her real friends sat silently by; ignored. Instead there were ringside seats to Stassi and Katie attempting to gang-up on Ariana for supporting Tom 1 in his fight with Stassi. Which, duh, obviously. Tom 1 is surely in the wrong, and even Ariana pointed out that his texts were terrible, but just like Katie is supporting Tom 2, and Beau is supporting Stassi, we support our sig-figs unless it’s totally outrageous.
Ariana feels like the whole argument should’ve been between Tom and Tom, and also that the whole mess was Tom 2’s fault. Katie takes issue with Tom 2 suddenly becoming the scapegoat and the convenient excuse, and for once I do agree with Katie, because this is wrong! (Also not true). Still, Stassi is taking great pleasure in stoking this discord between the Toms – which is equally wrong. Also why does Ariana care so much about what is going on with TomTom?
While this is happening Kristen is conveniently outside having a conversation about Carter who “needs” to go by her new house to pick up his photography equipment which “accidentally” was delivered there. So Kristen she texts him the gate code.
That turns into a huge argument between Kristen, Stassi and Katie over Kristen lying about the status of her relationship with Carter, and Stassi and Katie deciding if she is going to stay with him in any capacity they don’t want to hear about it. Under her breath Kristen mutters that she’s supported Katie and Stassi through plenty of relationship dramas – like Tom 2 cheating on Katie over and over. Eek!
Stassi explodes because Kristen is too old to be acting like a 22-year-old (true), but that can be said about all of them. For instance grown-ups don’t scream at their friends in a bar for not doing what they’re told. Kristen is an idiot, yes, but she’s also an adult, even if she may not be making the most adult choices. And while I know it’s the responsibility of a friend to try and help another friend from finding herself in a dire situation, and I get the frustration of dealing with a friend like Kristen, shaming her isn’t the solution. The adult thing to do is distance yourself from said friend, which appears is exactly what Stassi and Katie are doing. The other adult thing to do is wait until a more appropriate time and place to have this argument.
As all this is happening. Brittany sits there, wondering why she’s friends with these people, who are supposed to be celebrating her, but are instead destroying each other. It’s all Jax’s fault. Because these are his friends, and toxic is the company you keep. Brittany should just go off with her real friends from Kentucky and Jax’s sister, and have a good old fashioned bachelorette weekend of penis necklaces and cheesy fun. Let the rest of them wallow in their vintage baggage, shame, and anger.
Enough about these people – where is James Kennedy?!
TELL US – DOES KRISTEN NEED TOUGH LOVE? SHOULD STASSI ACCEPT TOM’S APOLOGY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]