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Kate Chastain Below Deck

Last night’s Below Deck was certainly stiff with drama, wasn’t it!? Former ESPN host Jemele Hill came on board with a group of her girlfriends to celebrate her bachelorette party. They wanted smiling stewardesses, nonstop drinks, and a penis cake. Well they got everything, but the smiling stewardesses!

But first … le drama! With mere hours left before the new – famous! – charter guest arrives, Captain Lee Rosbach has to put all the naughty slumber-partying kids to bed with the threat of punishment. No dessert for a week! He storms to the aft deck like an enraged mommy woken from her slumber. The only thing he needed was curlers in his hair to complete the look, (pecs are the new curlers).

Kate Chastain slinks to her bed then bursts into sobs. Kate is beyond fed up with being taken advantage of by the men on this boat so good thing she only has 3 days left to go! The next morning the mood is tense and testy as Captain Lee calls the entire crew in for a meeting.

Tom Sandoval Vanderpump Rules

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules Tom Sandoval got bit by the itsy-crazy spider and lost his head. That spider was the black widow of man-sanity!

Charli Burnett and Dayna Kathan are both finishing their training at SUR. While Charli is feeling right at home in the bosom of Scheana Marie‘s attentions, Dayna is feeling ostracized. Being called a mini Scheana Marie is definitely NOT a compliment, and considering that Charli claims she’s never eaten pasta she is not gong to fit in well here because it is literally ALL about the pasta!

Scheana is trying to play mind games with Dayna by pretending the still has her acrylic claws into Max Boyens. Scheana shows up at SUR to pick up a uniform and announces that she’s going to crash boys night to confront Max for calling her “boy crazy.” Because nothing says ‘I’m completely sane and not at all desperate’ like wearing an ill-fitting, cleavage baring dress and interrupting a bro-down to discuss about relationship boundaries with a person you’ve never had a relationship with outside of sending him a stalking device FOR THANKSGIVING.

Kate Chastain Below Deck

Do male scorpions sting? Or is it females? Or both? On Below Deck everyone is feeling stung, which is maybe why they’re also lashing out.

Rhylee Gerber was doing fairly well after her pep talk from Captain Lee Rosbach saved her from getting fired, but a few crispy scorpions (and dickish deckhands) proved to be her undoing. Poor Rhylee – this is the worst case of gaslighting ever!

But first — sexyThaitimes! Alexis Bellino is still dry-humping her way to heaven. The former Real Housewives Of Orange County star is on board to celebrate her divorce from Jim by begging her new boyfriend to propose. Remember when Jesus Barbie aspired to be nothing more than the perfect Christian wife, toting a blinged-out bible to prayer practice (which obviously took place while simultaneously spinning)? Well Alexis abandoned that in a Coto Mansion. New Alexis is more Eve who ate the apple right off Drew Bohn‘s tree. Sadly we had to witness the whole thing.

Tanya Sam Real Housewives Of Atlanta

Well, knock me over with a strand of fake hair because Kenya Moore finally got ousted for wearing a wig on last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta. And no thanks to Tanya Sam, who will not be taking thinly veiled insinuations that her fiancé Paul Judge is cheating lying down!

Back from Tanada everyone had a great trip – especially Porsha Williams who is now re-engaged to Dennis McKinley. Is that a good idea? Not if you ask Porsha’s sister Lauren! Porsha decides the thing to do is organize a dinner where Dennis will apologize to Mama Diane and Lauren, then they can all act like nothing bad ever happened!

After traveling Eva Marcille is exhausted. Eva’s also stressed because she’s days away from petitioning the court to allow a name change for Marley, which will pave the way for Mike Sterling to formally adopt her. Mike is the only father Marley has ever known, but Eva still worries that the abusive ‘donor daddy’ might make a sudden trip down to Atlanta, violating restraining orders, to contest the proceedings. Mike is not worried. I guess as a prosecutor he’s come up against plenty of hardened criminals so one little Instagram model with a temper – however horrendous and evil – isn’t quite as scary?

Kristen Doute Vanderpump Rules

Vanderpump Rules has found itself at a crosshairs. Last night I witnessed Jax Taylor and Katie Maloney behave like mature-ish adults as they attempted to set some reasonable boundaries with Kristen Doute and Brian Carter about how their toxic codependency is affecting everyone else’s lives.

I mean I know Jax was just cosplaying the dad from Family Ties because he’s about to be a married adulterer adulter soon, but this show is not supposed to be about capable adults acting accordingly. Vanderpump Rules is supposed to be about drunken, unhinged twenty-somethings who screw, scheme, and cry their way through terrible choices and still emerge with flawless skin.

On that vein, absolutely nobody cares about Jax’s wedding to Brittany Cartwright. Brittany sincerely believes everyone is as invested in her bridal registry and knot.com page as she is. Also this wedding that she’s planning has absolutely nothing to do with Jax, who might as well be a rent-a-fiance from some Hallmark Movie about proving to your judgmental small town relatives that you’re not an unmarriageable career woman, repugnant to blandly attractive men in tight sweaters. This wedding is about Brittany living out her fantasy, and her friends would rather let her merry hijack them than Kristen’s misery. I don’t blame them!

Alexis Bellino Below Deck Real Housewives Of Orange County

On last night’s Below Deck there was a blast from the past when former Real Housewives of Orange County star Alexis Bellino was the charter guest. Guess who was nowhere to be found? JimBlob Bellino! Because Alexis was in Thailand to celebrate her divorce with new boyfriend Drew. Jesus Barbie take the wheel.

Also Rhylee Gerber did not get sacked! Despite Ashton Pienaar‘s attempted mutiny to have her fired, Captain Lee Rosbach saw through the BS to realize that Ashton needs to do his job as boson and work with his team.

Sadly for Rhylee not all victors get the spoils. Even though she kept her position the entire deck crew is now barely acknowledging her and keeping it at minimum civil. Plus Rhylee knows they all conspired to try and have her fired so even when they try to joke with her later she isn’t sure if it’s a dig or sincere sarcasm. But it has been well-established that all the men on this boat (except for Captain Lee) are complete and utter asses, and last night definitely reinforced it!

Cynthia Bailey Real Housewives Of Atlanta

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta was a trip to the insane asylum rather than carnival. Or maybe they thought they were visiting LeeAnne Locken‘s carnival of crazy? The fighting and attempted snake baiting went so completely off the rails that Kenya Moore‘s elusive SECURITY! appeared out of nowhere to drag Nene Leakes away. Does Kenya summon them by flicking her maxi dress?!

It’s hard to believe the mess all started with Porsha Williams getting re-engaged in a surprise re-proposal. Dennis McKinley showed up Tanya Sam‘s party, and crept through the crowd like a gopher, until he popped up right at Porsha’s feet holding a ring.

All it took was Dennis publicly admitting that he betrayed Porsha’s trust and embarrassed their family for her to immediately re-accept and start calling him “husband,” but something is not right because Porsha was all excited to take Dennis back to the hotel for some peen, yet he had to fly home to his hot dogs instead… Like Kandi Burruss I too have my suspicions. However if I were Kandi I’d be more worried about what Todd Tucker is doing with his time all day with all these unfinished properties he spent her money on! 

Kary Brittingham D'Andra Simmons Real Housewives Of Dallas

Real Housewives Of Dallas came to an end last night in a dramatic and intense reunion focused on whether or not LeeAnne Locken is racist.

We all knew that the bulk of Part 2 was going to be spent on this subject. So after D’Andra Simmons was given a platform to gush about turning around Hard Night Good Morning and salvaging her relationship with Mama Dee, Andy Cohen got right into the matter of LeeAnne’s behavior in Thailand and the racially charged comments she made about Kary Brittingham.

First of all, Andy is FED. UP! I’ve never seen him so combative or out and out confrontational towards a Real Housewife as he was with LeeAnne last night. Of course, LeeAnne was trying to blame production for everything she did, and if there’s one thing Andy despises it’s a Housewife who tries to blame Bravo for her actions. I’m surprised LeeAnne didn’t accuse editing of dubbing the phrase “chirpy Mexican” into her mouth.