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D'Andra Simmons is

Y’all, I love Real Housewives Of DallasAnd you know what I love even more? A Mama Dee takeover of Real Housewives Of Dallas. Smother those bitches in 6,000 calories worth of butter and ketchup, get them too stuffed to move, then berate them with a frozen smile. You know the reason Mama Dee’s face doesn’t move is because she isn’t about to let anybody see her sweat.

D’Andra Simmons is living a life of hard nights and harder mornings when she has to face the realities that her friendship with LeeAnne Locken has gone to complete shit. Even worse, despite their fight at Cary Deuber‘s laser thingy, D’Andra’s mama has organized a playdate to force them to get along. And even worse-worse, they have to cook at this thing! Needless to say with all this stress D’Andra isn’t looking so fresh and bright-eyed during her Hard Night Good Morning rebranding photoshoot.

Caroline Bedol and Chandler Brooks

This season of Below Deck is going to boil down to a game of who can make Caroline Bedol crack first. It’s Kerplunk Caroline Of The High Seas Edition! Available now at Shop Bravo.

Everyone with eyes, ears, and a pulse has noticed that Caroline is hot under her dress white for Chandler Brooks. Well everyone except Chandler has noticed this. He’s preoccupied with not upsetting the barrel of crazy that is Miss Alaska Mental Patient Rhylee Gerber.

After the excursion with Ross Inia to the cliff diving where Rhylee had the mistaken impression that she was captaining her own Alaskan sea vessel, Ross can’t take her constant drama so he bypasses Chandler completely and goes straight to the high command: Captain Lee Rosbach. I was totally prepared to watch Lee take Ross down for tattling and going outside of the chain of command, but Lee commended him for his even-keeled approach and for keeping him informed of Chandler’s ineptitude. This tells me Lee is already aware that Chandler is one life preserver short of steering the dinghy and is eying Ross as the natural bosun.

Shannon Beador in Jamaica

All season I’ve been thinking Real Housewives Of Orange County was boring, or not boring per se, but just… not living up to its potential. An under-achiever, even though the abilities were there. In short, these ladies were lacking in motivation, but then came Jamaica which turned out to be RHOC’s version of The Shining. These images will haunt your dreams, which is perfect for Halloween.

I am beginning to think Kelly Dodd is right about lots of things though. And that truly is a scary place to find yourself in, but Shannon Beador needs help. Is she really calling Kelly and Tamra Judge “all hours day and night” to cry and bemoan how hard it is to make kids’ lunches while also paying the water bill? Is this really going on!? Has Dr. Moon not drained Shannon’s lymphatic sad artery and given her cupping full of good vibes? Or maybe that’s what the vodka was for? Regardless, she’s been behaving this way since her first season on this show, divorce or no, and it’s time to do some soul-searching and re-evaluating. 

Is D'Andra Simmons an alcoholic?

I am loving Real Housewives Of Dallas but I’m weary of this constant and perpetual game of telephone between LeeAnne Locken, Brandi Redmond, and D’Andra Simmons. Ladies – just text already, it leaves a written record.

I mean personally, I blame LeeAnne. She went on this tangent about how she was turning over a new amygdala and is gonna Start. Over. Then when Brandi, who don’t get me wrong is terrible all on her own, tried to do just that by suggesting they put everything from last season behind them, LeeAnne was like “No. Cause you hurt me.” This from the woman who decided Cary Deuber should just get over LeeAnne accusing her husband of cheating on national TV. LeeAnne, karma has come in the form of an L-22 fury wearing a deflated balloon as a shirt. D’Andra purchased it at net-a-porter and it cost all of the $200 left in her bank account. This is how mad D’Andra is – she wants you to see her coming from 10 miles away and will blow her every last cent to do so. 

Rhylee Gerber

On last night’s Below Deck we got normal, nice charter guests in exchange for Rhylee Gerber, who is a few halibut short of a full net. (I have no idea how you catch halibut).

Rhylee is still freaking out about her drunken fight with Chandler Brooks which was about whether or not she’s allowed to scream at her boss the way a 15-year-old screams at her mother. In fact, Rhylee acts like an out of control teenager so we’re just gonna go with that metaphor. If you have teens or have just recently survived the parenting of adolescents, or in my mother’s case have never actually recovered even though your daughter is in her mid-thirties, then you know what I’m talking about. And I do believe Rhylee is in her 30’s, right? Or the sea, the sun, and the crazy is just not doing the things Bravo likes done to their skin (Botox). 

Shannon in Jamaica

The Real Housewives Of Orange County are in Jamaica! Whip out the Red Stripe, culturally insensitive dreadlocks hats, and Shannon Beador‘s giant suitcase full of complaints and neurosis. Who’s excited!?

The women arrive at the airport at 4:15 am, but at approximately 6am (OK it was probably the day the before) Shannon calls Tamra Judge to complain that she’s too fat to fit into anything she owns so she’s not bringing a bathing suit or tank tops. To a tropical island. Tamra’s advice: “Stop Eating!” Shannon must’ve found something to fit – Kyle Richards Kaftan Kollection? – because a couple hours later, after being awake all night, Shannon showed up at the airport with two enormous bags. At least one of those bags was filled with a feng shui kit, essential oils, 873 types of vitamins, several different types of cleansing machines, plus all of Shannon’s 83957295798476 anxieties, animosities, and insecurities – including a framed photo of David snarfing tequila chips.

LeeAnne Locken at 8o's Prom

I was all about this season of Real Housewives Of Dallas, which seemed to be moving through petty problems quickly and focusing on real friendships with light drama. Enter D’Andra Simmons’ midlife crisis and nervous breakdown coupled with LeeAnne Locken‘s 35,000th multiple personality: yuppie dharma leader who met her wealthy second husband on a zen retreat, then ditched her Birkenstocks for ballgowns and goes around Dallas selling spirituality to on the charity circuit. Now I know that’s not ACTUALLY who LeeAnne is, or even close to what she’s got going on, but in my mind when LeeAnne imagines this new so-called peacemaker persona she’s developed, this is what she’s basing it off.

Anyway, D’Andra needs to get her head out from under LeeAnne’s wedding gown (or lack thereof) and stop embarrassing herself. And LeeAnne needs to stop pretending she cares about Stephanie Hollman‘s friendship. We all see her salivating over Stephanie with a piranha grin and we know she plans to serve up Stephaphina Soup at a dinner party that Brandi Redmond is also invited to.

Basically, this whole season is now reduced to LeeAnne and D’Andra destroying each other and using Stephanie and Brandi as live ammunition. 

Stephanie Hollman

Real Housewives Of Dallas is going down and dirty and the ladies are dragging all the cats out of the bags. Last week D’Andra Simmons accused LeeAnne Locken‘s fiancé Rich of cheating. Speaking out in defense of LeeAnne and Rich, Stephanie Hollman totally condemns D’Andra’s actions. As she should!

Stephanie is tentatively dipping the toe of her Manolo’s into a friendship with LeeAnne, but her biggest obstacle is BFF and ‘soul sister’ Brandi Redmond. However Stephanie is all about transparency this season – she’s the plastic jellies kinda friend, y’all!