Tom Sandoval Vanderpump Rules

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules Tom Sandoval got bit by the itsy-crazy spider and lost his head. That spider was the black widow of man-sanity!

Charli Burnett and Dayna Kathan are both finishing their training at SUR. While Charli is feeling right at home in the bosom of Scheana Marie‘s attentions, Dayna is feeling ostracized. Being called a mini Scheana Marie is definitely NOT a compliment, and considering that Charli claims she’s never eaten pasta she is not gong to fit in well here because it is literally ALL about the pasta!

Scheana is trying to play mind games with Dayna by pretending the still has her acrylic claws into Max Boyens. Scheana shows up at SUR to pick up a uniform and announces that she’s going to crash boys night to confront Max for calling her “boy crazy.” Because nothing says ‘I’m completely sane and not at all desperate’ like wearing an ill-fitting, cleavage baring dress and interrupting a bro-down to discuss about relationship boundaries with a person you’ve never had a relationship with outside of sending him a stalking device FOR THANKSGIVING.

Charli Burnett Vanderpump Rules

Also nothing says “crazy” like announcing, right in front of Dayna, that you’re going to STALK her boyfriend. UGH. In truth though, it doesn’t appear that Scheana is completely to blame for believing that Max was into her. She’s just completely to blame for not being able to let it go.

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Also there are two Bretts. Both skeevy, both gross, but one is hotter than the other but wants to have three-ways. Is Bravo being sponsored by a Three Way Love connection company or something? What is the deal with everyone on this network wanting to have them?! Brett 2 was dating assistant manager Danica Dow and got assaulted at work; Brett 1, aka Brett Caprioni, is being stalked and harassed at work by Scheana. Lisa Vanderpump needs to have an attorney hang out behind the dumpsters, running a nonstop consultation, for all the workplace infractions.

Over at the Selby the man-children are comparing snuggling preferences. Max says he likes being “little spoon,” which I think Scheana interpreted to mean  the little egg baster, and just as they are complaining about Scheana, she shows up. Unannounced. Jax Taylor is relieved that for once he’s not the biggest relationship disaster in the room.

Max is completely uninterested in anything Scheana has to say. Which makes two of us. Actually probably all 2 million viewers of Vanderpump Rules of us. Scheana’s issue is that Max is minimizing their relationship, but she has receipts in the form of many gushing text messages he sent (probably while drunk) proclaiming how much he likes her. And he sounds just as cray as Scheana. Awwwwwkwaaard!

This guy REALLY, REALLY needs to stay off smart phone communications. He’s got trouble with twitter, trouble with text… He is impulsive with his fingers, clearly! After apologizing to Scheana and claiming that he’s learned his lesson about playing with girls hearts, Max insists he’s not dating Dayna. And is definitely NOT her boyfriend. But does Dayna know that? Or is Dayna the new Scheana. You know what ladies — you just need to team up and turn your wrath on Max.

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Stassi Schroeder is wrapping up her book tour by throwing her LA party at Tom Tom. Tom 2 is coordinating the entire thing, but Tom 1 feels left in the dark. Little spoon all by himself, forgotten in the dishwasher. Tom 2 claims he has everything worked out and that Tom 1, who has known about this party for 3 whole days, has nothing to worry about. Also they are comping Stassi’s event. Unbekowst to Tom 1.

At 2 am, after a full-night of boys night rage puddling in his emo soul, Tom 1 sends Stassi a scathing text the morning of the party threatening to kick her out if she expects him – a 5% owner! – bartend her basic book party. It’s the rise of Tequila Tom!

Lisa Vanderpump Vanderpump Rules

Lisa can’t attend the book signing because she is taking Fluffy on a vacation. To show her support she reads the chapter of how Stassi lost her virginity aloud to Ken. Hearing about sqwuicky things like sex gives Lisa the willies, so she is forced to pack all that baggage away into a mini monogrammed Louis Vuitton suitcase for her doggy. If Brittany Cartwright owned this baggage she would pronounce it Loooooeee Voootawn. Just like she pronounces the name of her wedding venue as “Ver-sails.” Yes, there is a place called Versailles, Kentucky. Catered by mee-maws beer cheeeeeeeze and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

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Before heading to foreign sofistikated places like castles with altars, Brittany and Jax are days away from their Miami bachelorette party. Brittany truly believes this is Jax’s last hurrah so she is allowing strippers. After they’re married he’ll have to content himself by watching Carmen Electra’s pole aerobics workout 2005 DVD. I love when Brittany fronts like she is going to manage Jax. I also love how Jax pretends this is a modern relationship where Brittany gives him his freedom, which he has earned and deserved like he didn’t cheat on her. These two are less relationship goals than an episode of the Bachelor starring the rejects dating Scheana Marie reenacting her Skinemaxx movies.

Danica Dow Vanderpump Rules

Scheana has Charli, Danica, and another random who looks familiar over to sex up their SUR uniforms. Everyone is going for so short their hoohah hangs out. Literally, since none of them wear underwear. I guess it’s a great way to dry things out when you’re hot and bothered by all the sexy men on staff? Weren’t these girls just complaining that Dayna needs a bra? According to them it’s because you get better tips with cleavage. Goals! Aspiration! Feminism! (In the Lala Kent era).

Speaking of, Brett 2, or old Brett, he gave Danica $1300 pain and suffering compensation to make up for the lost wages after she assaulted him for insulting her standards and morals. Then she slept with him. Which is, as Scheana unhelpfully points out, basically prostitution. Well Scheana prostitutes herself for cheap compliments and non-dates, sooo…

RELATED – Jax Taylor Defends Peter Madrigal After Dayna Kathan Denies Hookup With Peter

Charli sees absolutely NOTHING wrong with this because why not get ‘gifts’ as a reward for being desirable, which leads me to believe that her sweet demeanor is all a ruse hiding a secret Lala, ala Yacht Girl who is looking for a Range-buying sugar daddy. It’s not about the pasta!

By contrast Scheana is starting to come across as Wooderson from Dazed and Confused. Everyone has moved on, but she’s still hanging out in the back alleys of SUR, loitering near the dumpster, leering all over early 20-something LA hopefuls and buying their affections with Apple Watches and Penguins. It’s sad. She’s the last dinosaur.

Dayna Kathan Vanderpump Rules

Speaking of, over at SUR Dayna and Brett 1 bond over how pathetic Scheana is. Dayna is shocked that Scheana crashed boys night and even more shocked that she got “friend zoned’ by Brett, which he deems necessary savageness. Yikes.

At Tom Tom, Tom 2 shockingly has everything under control for Stassi’s book party. Everything under control except for Tom 1 that is! Sure, the bartenders that were scheduled fell-through last minute, but Tom 2 found suitable replacements. Now he just has to keep Rage Texting Tomzilla from showing up. You’d think he’d have some of these coping skills already after so many years as Katie Maloney‘s handler! And also Tom 2 seems to be getting off lucky because Tom 1 is detained at the hospital with a spider bite.

Naturally Stassi blames the entire rage texting episode on Tom being under said influence of James Kennedy, mixer of lies and drama and calamity. Does James even summon poisonous spiders from the deep dark recesses of his DJ booth, thus transferring his own powers of extreme narcissism to Tom 1? Honestly Extreme Narcissim is the magic ring they are all fighting to control in this group, but at least we got a great pseudo comic book, narrated by Stassi, of Tom and James supposed intrigue with spidey nonsense.

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I really don’t care about Stassi’s book. I’m sure it’s great, but recounting a memoir to a ghost writer, is well, basic non-writing skills. The stories all seem very cute and charming like an extended instagram influencer feed, and regurgitated Vanderpump Rules storylines, but good for her! And no, I’m obviously NOT bitter.

Then just after a reading about how in WeHo people can forgive their friends anything, Tom 1 shows up, bleary, high on anti-allergens, and in a foul mood because his bronzer is smudged and his hair gel is dripping down his neck.

Tom Schwartz Vanderpump Rules

The party is all going off swimmingly but Tom is seeking to create problems out of nothing by pretending to be an expert in safe labor practices because the Tom Tom bartenders cannot work 12 hour shifts. Tom 2‘s solution to the canceled staff was to just have the regular bartenders come in early, but the restaurant is never open in the afternoon. Tom 1 speaks to Tom 2 like he’s a 2 year old who doesn’t understand why you can’t eat brownies for dinner. Which of course is treatment Tom 2 has cultivated which his aw-shucks Opie routine, perfected to get him out of trouble for the duration of his life.

In this instance though, Tom 1 needs to take some Xanax, go home to a colloidal oatmeal bath and leave Tom 2, the shockingly more collected of the two (for once) handle this.

Of course Katie and Ariana Madix get involved, standing by their men. Why? These two are grown-ish, and also business partners and need to be able to work this out. Like Tom 1 said “This is not Katie Maloney’s Bar & Grill” Although what would they serve? Ranch dressing and tequila rage shots? Nacho Cheese and Frito Brownies? Bubba, Bubba Doo dirt cake?

Unfortunately instead of Tom and Tom going into the office to talk like owners, not SUR employees, they wind up in a 4-way screaming fight right in the middle of the party. Ariana defends Tom’s overly pretentious nanny-state attitude, and Katie fires back that Tom is jealous that Stassi turned to Tom 2 to plan this, and also has a book deal. Which is apparently a jab directed at Tom 1’s biggest and most irrational fear: being called jealous.

Tom Sandoval Stassi Schroeder Vanderpump Rules

These guests certainly got their value for the wrist band because then Stassi storms over and RIGHTLY freaks out on Tom for ruining her party and sending her hate-filled text messages. Tom’s rage is misdirected at Stassi because he doesn’t like her and she’s the ‘safe’ space to emote. He can’t yell at Lisa for failing to let him know that Stassi was planning a party, and he’d never truly blame Tom 2, his soul mister, for anything, so he’s projecting his feelings of being ‘left out’ onto Stassi. He’s ridiculous and needs to go take a time-out sitting on the Costco Toilet Paper pallet in James‘ DJ closet.

RELATED – Jax Taylor Says Tom Sandoval & Ariana Madix Are “Glorified Roommates”; Thinks Their Relationship “Won’t Last Forever”

Stassi did nothing wrong, and Tom made the conclusion of her book tour all about himself. He owes her a huge apology. He also owes Tom 2 a huge apology for belittling him and his ability to manage his own bar. Instead Tom 1 is going full-scale victim.

Meanwhile, back at SUR Scheana and Dayna find themselves in the back alley, near the dumpster dream death station, arguing about Max. Is this guy really worth it? No.

Scheana Marie Vanderpump Rules

Scheana wants to let Dayna know loud and clear that Max is not her property. Scheana’s jealously is more obvious than her micro-mini of desperation because she keeps repeatedly trying to undermine whatever it is Dayna has going on with Max. Scheana couches it in faux concern that Dayna will join the ranks of girls who have gotten “Maxed” and none is more scorned than Scheana herself who was clearly Maxxed out.

Dayna Kathan Vanderpump Rules

Dayna wants Scheana to know there is a new scheriff in town. Dayna hasn’t dated anyone she likes in a while and after many failed relationships in the past, is excited about seeing where things go with Max. Which is code for getting crazy real quick. Aided and abetted by Scheana constantly trying to insidiously implant then prey on Dayna’s insecurities that Max will do her dirty. Scheana is like a parasitic worm eating the plastic parts of a person’s heart. “Guard your heart and your vagina,” Scheana warns insincerely.

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Instead of going home to cool off and de-swell, Tom 1‘s rage only calcifies. Like that spider bite has turned him into Venom. Tom even calls Lisa and Ken and pretends that Stassi started the blow-up by screaming at him!

Instead of hashing things out with Tom 2, Tom 1 demands total loyalty to his tyranny and decrees that Stassi is banned from Tom Tom. And all this just before they’re supposed to go to Miami for Jax and Brittany’s bachelorette party.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]