It’s here y’all! Oh, how I’ve been waiting with bated breath for the return of Southern Charm. I’m auditing a class, and I kid you not, the professor reminded us to watch the premiere tonight. Of course, he then said he was joking and hoped that none of us would watch something that portrayed the Holy City in such an unholy manner, but I only heard the first part! It’s been far too long since I’ve gotten my T-Rav fix. Thomas Ravenel, he loves the taste of the finest bourbon and the smell of the best cocaine. The former politician is raising his infant daughter Kensington Calhoun with his much, much, MUCH younger girlfriend Kathryn Dennis. Despite Facebook break-ups and pool snafus, the couple is trying to make it work. Thankfully motherhood has tamed young Kathryn’s eyelashes.
Cameran Eubanks is married to a doctor (surprise!), but she still wants to grow her business as a realtor. Shepard “Shep” Rose has enlisted her to find his palace (and not his Palace Hotel…but more on that in a second!), and the duo has found the perfect home for him to renovate (read: rebuild) on Charleston’s east side…where I live and work. Just a coincidence though, I swear! Although she once made a prediction that Shep would be married in two years, she’s come to the conclusion that his house won’t see a goldfish, much less a wife! Shep is proud of his restaurant/bar endeavor. Remember that investor who warned Whitney Sudler-Smith that opening so much as a hot dog stand with Shep would be a bad idea? Well, he can suck it. And speaking of hot dogs, the Palace Hotel serves up gourmet versions, as well as a mouth-watering watermelon ricotta salad and amazing cauliflower tacos. Ignore the barred windows and doors, they are just part of the neighborhood’s charm.
In fact, last night was awash in lost possessions. For instance, Stassi no longer has possession of Katie Maloney. Katie is officially out from under Stassi’s very busy self-pleasuring thumb. Naturally, Stassi doesn’t feel at all responsible since Katie is the one who “changed the rules” of their friendship by partying with the enemy.
Stassi tells Katie over and over again why Stassi is upset about all the things that happened to Stassi which were upsetting and hurtful to Stassi and Stassi’s feelings really matter a lot to Stassi who was really going through a lot of things that were terrible for Stassi. It was all”I! I! I!” at the Stassi Schroeder Whine-a-thon (wine not included)!
Something was missing on last night’s Love & Hip Hop, but I can’t quite pinpoint what it was. Did any of the ladies in Rich’s harem of crazy decide he wasn’t worth it? Nope, that wasn’t it. Did we watch genuine story lines fraught with raw human emotions? Yeah, I’ll let you stop laughing before you answer that question. Oh, I know! Peter Gunz was nowhere to be found. Nailed it!
Yandy Smith doesn’t understand why Mendeecees is taking an issue with her firing Remy. She won’t be disrespected by her fiancee’s employees, and he doesn’t understand how a firing equates to her having Kimbella jump his assistant. Yandy tries to explain that Remy was mouthing off, and she gives her best impression of how Remy reacted to being fired by her boss’ future wife. When she doesn’t win that argument, she changes the subject to their upcoming baby shower. She barely fares much better with that conversation.
Phaedra Parks visits Porsha Williams for dinner at Casa de Eviction 3.0 way out in Africa. Porsha opens some bags of frozen stuff and was struggling with the scissors… too bad Claudia Jordan‘s snaggletoes weren’t there to help a sister out!
Porsha is wearing a collar with chain around her neck because she’s a kept-woman chained to the stove? Isn’t Phaedra the one playing 50 Shades of African Chocolate?
Welcome Back Kardashians! Surprise, surprise the premiere episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians opens with Kim Kardashiandoing a nude photo shoot. Kim and Kanye West are trying to have another baby which means they are apparently having sex every opportunity they can get. It’s kinda gross because Kim tells everyone about 8 seconds after they have sex that they just had sex. Her make-up artist commented about the glow she had on her face post-bathroom romp at the shoot and it’s just eeww. Khloe was standing in the corner (Still playing with her hair a gazillion times a day) while Kim was getting primped and air puking at the same time. Kim detailed the path of Kanye’s sperm making their way to her egg as her eyelash glue was drying.
Kourtney decides to visit Bruce Jenner at his bachelor pad in Malibu and check-up on him. Side note: It appears Bruce has had more plastic surgery because he does look a little different in the lips/cheek area. He seems lonely and misses his life with Kris. The Jenners have parted from the Kardashians and now it’s a house divided post-divorce.
This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne opens with Pettifleur Berenger shopping for a car for her birthday present. Not just any car – she’s in the showroom taking a Bentley for test drive. She’s hoping her boyfriend foots the $450K bill because she has worked so hard and came from essentially nothing. She wants to make the sure mirrors are in top working order and would like to customize floor mirrors so she can constantly check herself out and not veer off the side of a cliff while driving. And I was hoping to just get a massage for my birthday.
Back at Lydia Schiavello’s house, where she’s hanging out with Figaro (her dog) and her mom. They browse through Figaro’s suitcase full of dog clothes as they prep him for a walk. That poor pup. During their walk Lydia spills that Janet Roach is 56 years old and that she’s in a better place with her and is trying her best to move on from the past year. This was a pointless scene IMO.
Holy cleavage! The first installment of last night’s Mob Wives reunion was a giant boob parade. Vivica Fox hosts, and I’m hoping she has a better handle on these broads than she did on Krayonce. Drita D’avanzo is the only one who doesn’t look like she’s hosting Kim Kardashian’s ass on her chest. Natalie Guercio is wearing what can only be described as a chain metal gladiator suit complete with suspenders to cover her nips. She claims it’s her warrior look, but she’s not going to be fighting anyone when she has to constantly fiddle with her hands to keep her girls from warranting their own black bar. Renee Graziano is sporting a boot-cast on her foot, and she jokes that Drita finally came after her. Oh, if only the whole reunion could be this cheery!
Karen Gravano’s return is addressed, and Renee admits that it was nice to have some support after feuding with her other friends. Natalie cites her loyalty to last season’s Alicia as the reason for her social media beef. Karen finds it ridiculous that Alicia is so upset that her father killed the father-in-law she never met. Yeah, that’s fair, right? Karen knows that these mob wannabes are just trying to ride her big Mafia coattails. Renee reminds us that you can be loyal to one friend without trashing another, but the wannabes will never be “about this life,” a phrase which may need its own t-shirt line (if one of the ladies hasn’t already beat me to it). Again, remind why these family ties are worthy of such pride? Renee can’t even. Literally.
First, the problem with Brandi: Brandi takes everything too far – jokes, glasses of wine, involvement in other’s family matters. But when called out, she doesn’t own it – she projects outward, blaming, making baseless accusations; then is shocked when karma pays her retribution. Yes, Brandi is an unhappy, wounded woman who lacks self-esteem, but at what point – like say when you’re mid-40s and jacking up your face, your friendships, and your career beyond salvation – is it time to take ownership?
Instead, Brandi changes her friends, her addresses… Sadly, now that she and Kim have found each other all hell has broken loose – literally. I think poor Amsterdam needs to get the US Embassy to intervene! Visas revoked, bitches. And yank Yolanda Foster‘s too as payback – then make David pay a hefty fine to reinstate her access.