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Finally, The Bachelorette puts the viewer’s need for travel porn above Emily Maynard’s need to keep her daughter Ricki close to home.  We’re off to Bermuda!  I hope beautiful sandy beaches mean beautiful shirtless men.

The first date card goes to Doug Clerget.  It reads, “Let our senses lead the way.”  Doug remembers there’s a rose on the one-on-one dates.  The guys talk about how much it would suck to come all the way to Bermuda only to have to go right back home.  They’re right, that would suck, but probably not as much as a lifetime with Emily.

I know, I know, America’s sweetheart, search for true love, and all that jazz.  Let’s just agree to compare notes come mid-July.  This season is going to be a smashing success of a love story just to spite me, isn’t it?

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Let’s talk about hypocrites… we see a lot of those on reality TV. Something we also see a lot of is impending nervous breakdowns – and it seems to me we’re witnessing a scary combination of the two in Caroline Manzo. Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was supposed to be about gay rights with the celebration of Jaime Laurita‘s wedding and Rosie Pierri accepting her own sexuality – sadly it was eclipsed by Caroline vs. Teresa Giudice with Caroline serving up more pettiness and more spite. This show was also about sibling relationships – and so many of these reality sibs actually have some pretty abysmal ones.

Things begin with Teresa and Gia having a chat about Teresa’s never peaceable relationship with Joe Gorga. Teresa is poking at Gia to open up with her while Gia is poking at an eggo waffle – I don’t remember that recipe being in any of T’s cookbooks! I kid, I kid.

Teresa wants to know if Gia thinks she is working hard enough on her relationship with Non-Juicy Joe and if she should do anything differently. Teresa taking advice from a ten-year-old says everything. LOL. In all actuality I thought it was a very sweet and age-appropriate conversation. I appreciated that Teresa wanted Gia to know they are working on things, but I also think Gia is exposed to a leetle too much family drama.

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Last night we were treated to a double dose of Sister Wives.  First off, Kody and Meri tackle their fertility issues, and then the Brown clan celebrates Valentine’s Day polygamist style.  Throw in some drama about financing four new homes, and TLC’s bringing the tame drama!  I’m not complaining…I’d take tame over crazy any day of the week!

Kody and his wives are trying to find homes in closer proximity with one another.  Right now, the wives are all spread out over Las Vegas, and the children (all the children!) aren’t really functioning as a family.  The wives meet with a realtor and lender hoping to be able to purchase four houses on the same street.  Currently everything on the street is under construction.  Basically, two of the wives, if approved for financing, can move into two homes within the next month.  However, the other wives will have to wait until their houses are actually built.  Kody and his wives reminisce about their perfect home in Utah, but hopefully they will have four perfect homes in Nevada…sometime.  The lender admits that it isn’t unusual for her to work with polygamists.  However, it’s tricky having five borrowers trying to buy four homes at one time.  Kody, his hair, and his spouses vow (0nce again!  haha!) to get all the necessary paperwork together for the loan officer.

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So, let’s talk about Keeping Up With Kardashians… Is anybody watching that? I must confess I tuned in and saw, well, all the episodes of this season. Not because I was forced, but because I was curious. Albeit morbidly so. Which is sort of like eating an entire Chipotle burrito just to see if I can do it. Never a good idea, but it never stops me.

First of all, the editing in this show is so bad and non-sequential, but they don’t seem to care and they don’t bother trying to hide it. They also bilk a storyline for all it’s worth; going overboard to berate you with a point. And most annoyingly, each show has a little moralistic message attached to the end like some sort of totally trashy and lowbrow Aesop’s Fables with spray tans, false eyelashes, and a lot of too tight pants.

Yeah, so about those Kardashians. Is Kris Jenner psychotic? Bruce Jenner seems to think so! Their marital drama – which may be fabricated, but is likely not – is kinda dominating this season so far. In fact Bruce is getting some major airtime for once. He’s working hard for his share of that $40M.

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For me, last night’s anticipation was palpable.  I mean, for serious!  We finally are going to get to see Kim Zolciak sans wig!  I can hardly contain myself.  So, dear readers, sit back and enjoy the recap for Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding…it’s less than 48 hours in TV world until we meet Mrs. Kroy Biermann!

We begin, of course, with Kim telling precious K.J. about all the stress and craziness that surround her wedding plans.  I love that she informs him that her wig has yet to be cut and that dudes in Atlanta do in fact wear heels…especially if their name is Derek J.  Construction is in full swing for the nuptial scenario, and Kim and Kroy meet with security.  Kim is concerned about the people who have RSVP’ed to her wedding that she didn’t actually invite…aka perfect strangers (Balkie joke?  Nah).  She takes security on a tour of their home and informs them of who is allowed to be in the house…and it’s basically just family.  Kroy wants guns and dogs.  Armed security and Shepherds?  Check.

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Last night’s Around the World in 80 Plates treated us to Marrakech, Morocco, although we never really see much of the visited country.  I love the concept of this show, and I LOVE that involves Curtis Stone, but I’ve yet to find a chef for which I’m rooting.  While the chefs voting each other off seems like a good twist, it’s too much like Survivor and not enough like Top Chef, which I love.

As the contestants head to Africa, they share whether they’ve traveled there.  It’s most players first visit.  Not only is will the team that finishes first get the exceptional ingredient, the team will also win $15,000.  The chefs must divide themselves into three teams of three and head on their way in horse drawn carriages.  Black team Nookie Postal, Avery Purcell, and John Vermiglia are the first team.  Red team Jenna Johansen, Nicole Lou, and Liz Garrett are the second.  The final team, white, is Gary Walker, Chaz Brown, and Nick Lacasse.

The teams head to a world famous market where they must locate a spice shop.  Everyone is running around like chickens with their heads’ cut off–so discombobulated.  The black team is the first to arrive and gain the next clue.  They must find the nine most commonly used spices in the native cuisine.

The black team has seven out of nine when the red team shows up at the spice shop to start the challenge.  Nick on the white team is disappointed to arrive last given that Gary speaks French. Chaz uses his West Indian nose, and the white team is actually the first to finish.  Nookie is crowding the white team at the counter and Gary is getting heated.  The white team gets their clue and heads out to find directions to a roof top restaurant.

The women are in last place, as Nookie tries hard to find the way to the restaurant.  The black and white teams are neck and neck.  Once at the restaurant, the teams are schooled in how to traditionally serve Moroccan tea.  The first team to properly pour all their tea will win the money.  Gary is an expert pourer thanks to drinking games.  However, the black team wins the exceptional ingredient and $15,000.  That was super close.

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Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County was a case of hypocrite vs. hypocrite as everyone seemed to gang up on Alexis Bellino. Is there anything more ironic in the world than five women comprised entirely of silicon inserts, plastic, spray tan, polyester hair weaves, and injectibles accusing one another of being materialistic and phony? I mean, really… wow… did I just watch that? It was the most… odd argument I’ve ever seen on TV.

There was just SO much crazy going on. 3/4 of these ladies need to hightail it to the psychiatrist’s office for a nice long visit. I hear Dr. Amador is available since Bethenny Ever After is over – maybe he can relocate. Here are my observations:

1) Gretchen Rossi is a bad friend. Yeah, Alexis is a fake, full of it, and completely dumb but she’s not a mean person. For the past two seasons Gretchen has acted like Lex was her BFFL and now quick as instant oatmeal she’s ditched her and joined the mean girl squad. So, yeah, she’s a totally authentic person.

2) Vicki Gunvalson needs help. I honestly think Vicki is hopelessly socially inept and she covers that up by talking fast, saying crazy crap, and bragging. Kinda… like… Alexis, now that I think about it. Vicki seemed uncomfortable on the trip, angry with Tamra Barney, and really stressed about all her personal drama. Instead of being a normal adult and discussing it with her friends she started acting all goofball and hitting the sauce. Seriously – the singing though. Gretchen was right… “hell.”

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Oh snap!  The Dance Moms: Miami finale is bringing some dramz in the form of a new dancer…the adorable Mia and her Charo-esque mother.  Sweet!

As always, the episode started with the list, and Lucas takes the top spot for his many successes last week.  Hannah scores second on the list for scoring second overall, and Angel tells her that she’s now acting like a great dancer and will be treated as such.  Sammy is third for increasing her artistic game, with Kimmy fourth for sloppy transitions.  Jessi is at the bottom (watch out for Susan!) for messing up in her duet with Kimmy.

Sammy and Hannah both get solos, and Lucas and Kimmy will be performing a duet.  Jessi will only be dancing in the group number.  Jessi is upset that she isn’t getting a solo, but she’s determined to keep it together to prove to Angel and Victor that she’s a team player.  The theme for this week is “celebrity” since they swept last weekend’s competition.  Victor announces he has a surprise, and enter Mia.  She is one of the studio’s top dancers, who at ten, according to Victor, has the skill and technique of an eighteen-year-old.  The dancers are thrilled.  They love Mia…Lucas is even rocking a Mia crush.  She is a precious little girl.


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