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Recaps

Dance Moms finale

It’s not an episode of Dance Moms if Abby Lee Miller doesn’t tap dance all over the feelings of her dancers, and it’s not the season finale if Lifetime doesn’t force an extra thirty minutes of the show on us. Last night was an emotional ride, with MacKenzie and Maddie Ziegler saying good-bye to their oldest friends and Melissa Gisoni peacing out on the ladies she has loved to hate for the last several years.

For the last week, Maddie wishes for good dances, fun times, and Abby keeping the yelling to a minimum. Keep wishing, kid! Jill hopes the mothers will remember to be on their best behavior, and Jill reminds the mini-moms that this isn’t the time to cause drama. So wise, that Jill.

After a poor showing at the last competition, Abby praises the minis for being her only winners, teasing them with the idea of head shots. Maddie makes the mistake of asking if she’s trying to replace the Zieglers, and Abby retorts that she’s not quitting just because Maddie’s a quitter. Maddie backs down, “It’s your team!” as Abby basically takes full credit for Maddie‘s success. Had she been dancing for anyone else, she’d still be living her boring, humdrum, middle class life. It’s awkward, and I feel both badly for Maddie that her teacher is being so hateful and glad that she’s getting the heck out of dodge.

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Below Deck Mediterranean recap

Sound the foghorns, for Below Deck has officially been franchised!

With Below Deck: Mediterranean, we’re treated to the stuff we’ve grown to love (crew hookups, obnoxious guests) in a new corner of the world – the Greek Isles! Besides the scenery’s obvious eye candy, Bravo has assembled a hot new international crew, including Captain Mark Howard, to navigate these waters. Returning fan favorite (or maybe I just speak on behalf of my own shameless crush!) Chef Ben Robinson is back to see how far he can take in on-board shenanigans without breaking too many hearts along the way.

Joining Captain Mark and Ben are new cast and crew mates Hannah Ferrier (Chief Stew), Julia D’Albert-Pusey (2nd Stew), Tiffany Copeland (3rd Stew), Bryan Kattenburg (1st Mate), Bobby Giancola, Danny Zurelkat, and Jen Riservato (Deckhands).

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Teen Mom 2 recap

The lawyers were the real winners on last night’s Teen Mom 2, racking up billable hours on never-ending custody issues.

Chelsea Houska meets with a child support referee to adjust Adam Lind’s child support, but he’s a no show. Nathan Griffith finally hires a lawyer to get custody of Kaiser, while Jenelle Evans’s lawyer tries to keep her out of jail. Leah Messer, Corey Simms, and most importantly, their twin girls, all have a victory in court. Kailyn Lowry has no need for a lawyer yet, as things seems to be going well with Javi Marroquin away.

Chelsea and three of her girlfriends make Cole DeBoer drive them to a wedding venue several hours away. Does Cole have friends? It seems odd to me that he would go on this trip unless he has nothing better to do. I’d rather stay home and babysit Chelsea’s mammoth dog and Pete-Pete. Before they head out, the girls and the hair monster living on Chelsea’s head push Mary’s car out of a snow drift.

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Real Housewives of Dallas recap

On last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Dallas, families bonded while friendships and frienemyships were torn apart. All at the hands of LeeAnne Locken. You can take the girl out of the carny, but you can’t take the carny out of the girl!  

At Brandi Redmond‘s house, it is no surprise that her morning begins with poop. Dog poop, specifically, from the dog who has a name which isn’t “..butt.” They also have a rabbit. Apparently Brandi’s mom is running around Texas randomly collecting animals and dispensing them on her doorstep just to annoy Brandi‘s husband, Bryan. The only prerequisite is the animal must be snow white, (and incontinent?).

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Southern Charm recap

Rachel McAdams is busy filming amazing movies, and Lindsay Lohan is busy doing whatever it is that Lindsay does, so it’s safe to say that when Tina Fey placed the call for a Mean Girls reunion, the cast of Southern Charm obliged. Let’s skip over the the fact that the crew started last night’s episode the morning after Patricia Altschul‘s flamingo party (I won’t mention that Whitney Sudler-Smith was eating a hot dog for breakfast, but I will note that Michael the butler is having to tidy up after the ruckus).

Craig Conover‘s residence with girlfriend Naomie at her parents’ gorgeous marsh front home in West Ashley has been sold, so the pair is moving to her fixer-upper (read: amazing house) in Mount Pleasant. Craig is fine with this turn of events, as he’d rather live on the streets with Naomie as opposed to in a castle without her. That’s romance, dear readers. Naomie wants the details on Pat’s party, and Craig sheepishly admits that he may have created some of the drama surrounding Thomas Ravenel and Jennifer Snowden‘s showdown, as well as Whitney’s disdain for Kathryn. He provides a lengthy explanation about Kathryn being a trophy that he no longer wanted after Shep tapped that, but he is positive that Whitney is still brewing with jealously.

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shahs-of-sunset-asa-gg

This week, the Shahs of Sunset continue to contemplate how to break through to their old friend Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi, who is struggling with issues of anger and excessive drinking. A group trip is in order and they waste no time getting the show on the road, so to speak.

GG is in her apartment, cleaning her knives and feeling sorry for herself because of her “declining health” with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I guess Asa Soltan Rahmati got the invite for this pity party and stops by to give GG her “magical” green sauce. Does everything in Asa’s life have magical powers? Note that GG has no problem shoveling carrots and green sauce into her mouth with her RA-riddled hand. GG begins to tell Asa about her fight with Mercedes “MJ” Javid and decides they all need to remember why they fell in love with each other in the first place. GG suggests the best way to do that is to go camping with the group so no one can hear their screams. They call Reza Farahan to explain the plan and he feigns excitement but agrees. GG gives Asa a hearty high-five (with her bad hand).

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Real Housewives of New York recap

Bethenny Frankel was wished a very un-birthday on Real Housewives Of New York when she threw the most awkward BBQ birthday party ever.

Bethenny told us over and over again how cool her party was supposed to be – hot dogs! s’mores! Moscow Mules! Skinnygirl coffee cups! Yet, there for the grace of ungainliness go John, Dorinda Medleys boyfriend, a fetid protrusion who dropped a big old stink over the party, thus ruining it for The Big B. Her poor friend Carole Radziwill was equally besieged – the ghost of Countesses Past trailing her through the party seeking absolution? Resolution? Nah – actually a casually polite conversation. 

It was a crisp, cool day and that something in the air was pervasive. I don’t think it was the smell of wienies roasting, but that was happening too (metaphor alert!). Pre-party, Dorinda gave John a Cliffs Notes course on etiquette and ran through How To Apologize flashcards to prepare him for seeing Bethenny, but there is no turning back time there. Some stains just simply will not budge – John apparently being one of them!

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Little Women: LA reuion

It’s been a season of revelation and procreation, and here we are at the end of it all! Season 4 of Little Women: LA ended on a sour note for Briana Renee, whose long-maligned husband, Matt Ericson, was discovered sending d*ck pics yet again to multiple women. To make matters worse, Briana was pregnant at the time with Matt’s spawn baby. And in further heartbreaking news, Briana was rushed to the hospital just this week for pre-term contractions (she’s 6 months pregnant right now) due perhaps, in part, to stress. The situation is sad, no matter how you look at it. But Briana and Matt are capitalizing on their gigantic crapfest of a relationship with a 2-hour Lifetime special May 11 anyway! Because Briana’s family has not been humiliated enough yet? Cripes.

In the mean time, the ladies sat down for a season 4 reunion with a new host (Thank you Jesus!! Last season’s was a passive aggressive wreck!!) to dish the dirt on everything from Matt’s sexting proclivities to Christy McGinity’s totally-legitimate-and-medically-proven “brain injury” to Tonya Banks’ desperate attempt at trapping her a live Kerwin!  (Although we’ll only get to a small portion of this mess in part 1.) Yee haw! Let’s get to it.   

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