Oh sheesh, after serial dating everyone else on the cast to see who sticks (aka who will even pretend to put up with them), Dayna Kathan and Brett Caprioni are finally getting their moment on Vanderpump Rules.
And then there is Stassi Schroeder literally begging Beau Clark for a ring. Isn’t this a pattern for her to demand these men want to commit on her terms? Just like it’s a pattern for Scheana Marie to fake BFF every guy under 30 who she meets at SUR, writing his initials in puffy paint circled by a heart on all her most favorite sweatshirts. Doodling SM + ANYONE WHO WILL LOVE ME AND MY PRACTICALLY BARREN GERIATRIC WOMB. Anyway, where is Lala Kent to point out Stassi’s flaws? Good thing we’re here to do that instead.
Seriously Scheana may not be able to land a date, but she’s certainly able to launch the would-be careers of previously no-name SURvers. Maybe she should finally give up waitressing to go work with Beau in central casting? (Not kidding!)
For some ridiculous reason, I can’t even pretend to understand Max Boyens brings Tom 2, Beau, and Jax Taylor to a skatepark. Jax is dressed like he’s trying out for an old timerz hockey league, with full pads and rollerblades. Isn’t it just ironic that a brain-dead misogynist like Jax has only one dream in life and that is to play pro hockey. Tom and Max both bust their asses while teenagers laugh at them, then they all sit on the sidelines with the other dads to discuss Tom’s outburst at Katie Maloney.
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Look, we’ve all heard enough of Tom 2‘s ‘awwww shucks, jeepers, gee wizz, whaddy I do this time… ‘ apologies, and we all know it’s bull shit. Tom’s not sorry he called Katie a disgusting, unattractive, sex-repellant idiot in front of all of their closest friends and America. Tom’s not sorry because he means those things. Also he’s a mean drunk, venting his frustration at marrying someone he doesn’t love in exchange for securing 5% ownership of a restaurant he also doesn’t love.
What I really was thinking is why wasn’t Tom 1 on this skateboard outing? You know he would have shown up looking straight up Spicoli from Fast Times At Ridgemont High and aced a kick flip, flying over the halfpipes and making Jax want to pound him with that hockey stick.
Later at home, Tom 2 gaslight apologizes to Katie. She stares at him sulkily and petulantly like it takes 45 years for the words entering her brain to compute. Maybe it does. Maybe Katie is a green screen Apple computer from our depressing pre-internet youth in the early 90’s? Maybe Katie got dysentery of the mind on the Oregon Trail when her wagon collapsed crossing the ferry to good relationships and adulthood, so she lost her ammunition before managing to shoot a bison and now is forced to forage the remains other people’s discarded Cheetos. Aka, marry Tom 2 for a second time.
What I do know is that all these giant red flags being waved by Tom and Katie shouldn’t be ignored. Instead of a bouquet there is a whole funeral arrangement here. Like where is Danica Dow to explain how red flags work? Oh, Danica is blowing into her breathalyzer, accidentally charging people $200 for food they didn’t buy at SUR, and then getting defensive when Lisa Vanderpump points out that Danica needs to do better and have some manners.
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Danica was distracted because before work she met all her ‘friends’ at an axe throwing bar. First of all these are the dumbest thing in the history of creation. Second of all the only person who manages to hit a bullseye is Raquel Leviss, whom everyone thinks is a hapless kitten stranded under a car in the rain, but maybe Raquel is more eye of the tiger?
While everyone else is flinging sharp objects at hard objects and hoping for a connection, Brett pulls Dayna aside to ask if she wants to get lunch. After trying his luck with Charli Burnett who’d rather he confess his sins to “Tia and Tamera,” the sisters connected to her chest (the fake boobs she named after Tia and Tamera Mowry after Sister, Sister), and then trying to get away from Scheana by suddenly materializing a girlfriend, Brett has set his sights on Dayna.
They have lunch and finally, Brett finds a woman who wants to hear his long-winded monologues about his ex-girlfriend. Dayna, too, is craving a connectionless vacuous than ‘hey we work on the same TV and should pretend to do something together for like airtime.’ Or at least that’s what she claims to want! Brett seems to be using Dayna to fulfill some quota that he’s not vapid and only seeking ‘Instagram model’ types, but likes smart, interesting girls too.
Dayna opens up about losing her mom at a young age which was all the more painful because they share birthday. A birthday which happens to fall on this very week. Dayna usually avoids the day but this year decided to celebrate with a party. Brett is now her +1. But therein lies a snafu: Brett once “BEST FRIEND” necklace’d with Scheana, and he’s also Best Friends with Max, who exed Dayna.
Here we are once again in the twists and turns of SURlationships, except this time they feel far less authentic.
One thing that does feel authentic is Stassi and Katie’s sudden decision to dump Kristen Doute from their lives. I get it, Kristen’s usefulness is more exhausted then a sponge you’ve been using for a month. But honestly, Stassi and Katie are just as bad. It’s a total case of bottle calling the wine glass tipsy.
The three of them meet at Villa Blanca for a big business persons lunch for Witches of WeHo wine and in the middle of them discussing some party, Lisa sidles over to ask about the upcoming trip to Vegas to celebrate Tom and Katie’s re-wedding. As if there was ever a more farcical thing that didn’t needed to be celebrated. Just throw a very Un-Wedding and have everyone dress in wedding drag from the 1800’s.
Kristen has no idea what they’re talking about and her face fills with dread at the possible FOMO. Hmmm…was Lisa being shady on purpose? You be the judge. I’ll give her a pass because she literally just returned from her mom’s funeral in London.
Then Stassi gets to pay court in a special one-on-one audience with Lisa to discuss when Beau will propose. Stassi has been counting down the days until she can issue an ultimatum, and she has no idea that Beau is already planning an elaborate proposal which includes not one, but 3 different vintage Tiffany’s rings bequeathed to him by various family members, luring Stassi into a mausoleum with sparkly things, then slamming the door shut on any possible escape from his strangling love. It sounds kind of like The Hobbit, but Stassi is into weird fetish love, so good for her.
Until this ghost of weddings future appears, Stassi has resorted to badgering Beau about when he’ll pop the question. Shestraight-up storms out of dinner when he begs her to give him have more time. Is this really a relationship or Beau’s slow decline into Tom 2? His whiny, wheedling voice pleading with her to just be patient as she harangued him for telling their friends how they’re arguing about a proposal was eerily familiar. It’s all just a matter of time before he was calling Stassi unattractive in front of a room full of people. Stick that in your crystal ball and premonition it!
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After lunch the disastrous lunch at Villa Blanca Kristen calls Scheana to figure out what the fuck is going on and is shocked to learn she was axed from the KatTom Wedding 2.0. Kristen introduced them so surely that includes some sort of dispensation as a perma-guest to all future pertinent events. Um, wrong! Introducing them deserves a punishment. Actually it’s they’re own damn faults they squandered their twenties crying in parking lots after dumping beer on each other’s heads.
Scheana isn’t invited to this either, but that doesn’t make Kristen feel better. Nothing does. She’s all alone. Well, except for Carter, who is still around/not around. Kristen decides to try and speak to Katie one-on-one at Dayna’s party later, but we know that will end in more hysterics.
Dayna and Lala go over to Ariana Madix‘s house for a pool date. There’s no furniture so they have to sit outside, where there’s also no shade umbrella. Look – I hate to agree with Jax, but buy a damn sofa already! Lala dispenses the invaluable wisdom that we should all taste our own vaginas to ensure our men are getting a sweet dessert. Cause everything in Lala’s myopic UN-feminist world is about appeasing men and telling women they’re being empowered by doing so. WRONG, girl, WRONG.
Meanwhile, Dayna is having issues with both Scheana and Max. No surprise there. Max is throwing a man-trum because he thinks he wasn’t invited to Dayna’s party. Dayna issued a blanket invitation to everyone and insists Max was included. Why would Max care?
Also of course Scheana confronted Dayna about dating Brett now, and it was on the day Scheana had an egg harvesting, and her eggs came out purple with a LOL Surprise! doll inside, and OMG is this what happens in a geriatric middle-aged pregnancy?! Essentially Dayna doesn’t think she owes Scheana OR Max an explanation for her sex life and argues that they have no right to ask for one. She’s right, but Scheana is still upset that Dayna is stealing all the Ken Dolls from her Barbie Dream House. In her world Scheana is Barbie, not Skipper.
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At Dayna’s party Scheana’s insecurities and jealousies escalate when she notices Brett being flirty with Dayna. Dayna’s sister is at the party to support her and even LVP makes an appearance. Thus cementing that Dayna is the New Stassi.
Kristen’s talk with Katie ends as predicted: with Kristen sobbing that she needs her friends more than ever and Katie stonewalling that she needs a break. Maybe Kristen reminds Katie of the future? The one she had before yoking herself to an oxen that gave up in the middle of the fjord crossing and lay down with the whole wagon tied to his back because he just wanted a Coors Light instead of a job. Anyway, friendship divorce!
Stassi is too busy chasing Beau around demanding a ring to notice that Katie and Kristen talking.
Then Lala confronts Scheana about the weird habit she has of claiming random boys are her best friends when she really wants to sleep with them to try and cajole them into loving her. Lala, our resident doctoral candidate in human behavior and the psychopathy of the female mind on man-hunting hormones, explains that Scheana needs to deeply examine this behavior and treat her love life like an exfoliating facial that will reveal new layers of skin beneath the over-botoxed veneer that does little to hide her desperation.
Scheana bursts into tears because she’s 34, divorced, and putting jelly beans into her uterus with a nerf gun so that someday if she evereverever stops being a pariah to all men (aka Kristen) she’ll hopefully have a baby. Plus all around her are couples. Even James Kennedy has someone! Lala just stares at Scheana and internally self-gloats that she snagged a real rich’un before she got past her prime.
Dayna is loving her party, and for the first time in years appreciating her birthday. After she blows out her candles and Tom 1 shoves a cake in her face creating a cake fight, Brett grabs her in front of everyone to pull her in for a kiss. This one. These two. They really understand how to play this game so well, don’t they? Even though Brett is just her BEST FRIEND, when Scheana sees them kissing she storms out in a flood of tears; blowing her nose in her umpire costume sports bra. (Why is she wearing that?).
Well, congrats Dayna and Brett. May you not end up being the next Vanderpump Rules wedding.
TELL US – DO YOU THINK DAYNA & BRETT LEGIT LIKE EACH OTHER? SHOULD KRISTEN BE INVITED TO KATIE & TOM’S SECOND WEDDING?
[Photo credits: Bravo]