Ahhhhhh… Real Housewives of Beverly Hills where mothering is a crime against humanity because naturally that's the nanny's job. In Beverly Hills one also needs to be heavily armed and ready at any moment for home invaders. I'd be more worried about closet raiders, but you know if broke into Yolanda Foster's house I'd go straight for the Hermes belt collection. Just me?
We begin at Carlton Gebbia's house where she's hosting a party to promote naked girls. Carlton: the Playboy mansion you are not. Carlton's "nanny", who is never near children ever, which given her behavior is probably a good thing, helps choose exotic dancers to perform.
Carlton drones monotonously for the 400th time that she loves women. I am out of patience with this cougar-in-heat trying to be the Joe Francis of the middle-aged. I'm sure Carlton's daughters aren't embarrassed at allll to be seeing their mother's Sexford Wife shenanigans.
Brandi Glanville adopted a new dog named Buddy to distract her kids from Chica's disappearance. Brandi hates Buddy and complains that he wants to be near her. He peed on her bed – yeah that's annoying, but I'm sure Brandi has also peed on her bed in a drunken stupor.
Can I just tell you how much I love the fact that Joe Budden proposed to Tahiry Jose on last night's Love & Hip Hop with a wad of gum in his mouth? Throughout his romantic speech, he's just chomping away. He gets down on one knee while Tahiry begs him to stand up…that's not a good sign. Tahiry turns down his proposal. She wonders how he can go from allowing a chick to hang out in her bed to buying a ring, and she can't trust him. The Professor decides that he will wait for her to change her mind. A teary Joe walks away, and Tahiry is comforted by her family. Awkward!
Peter Gunz is hanging out at this local cigar shot an awful lot…maybe he's squatting there. Saigon drops in on him to catch up, and he thinks that Amina Buddafly must be a great wife because she's German. Saigon is a lover of German porn. Peter is surprised to hear that his friend has asked Erica Jean to move in with him. He's ready to finally get to know his baby mama, and what better way than living under the same roof?
This is my first experience discussing the atrocity that is Kody Brown's hair. Why are there no cameras in his bathroom detailing how he achieves such a paragon of 80's greatness. Kody missed his calling by not going into figure skating because the twirl potential of those locks is epic.
This week theSister Wives took a quad-only trip to San Francisco to bond sans Kody, who is really the reason no one gets along. Meanwhile Kody stayed home to burn down the fort and show his paternal ineptitude to the world.
Things start out with Janelle running a 5K, which I hope translates into eventually running away from Kody. To support her, Kody runs with her – well actually he runs far ahead of her. Robyn, of course, is pimping t-shirts to go along with the race that feature the word "Be:" followed by a bunch of adjectives of what someone could be. Polygamous is not on the list, but the design does feature an exploding heart. Ummm…
The ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta did what they do best last night – put on some high, high heels and trash each other's relationships. Kenya Moore is slaying marriages left and right because her job is apparently The Divorce Whisperer. She needs to focus on her own fantasy man because the so-called oil tycoon, well I think he's pumping gas at the Sheetz after she paid his coming to America salary.
Things begin with Cynthia Bailey and Peter celebrating their three-year anniversary. Has it really been three years since Cynthia was nearly kidnapped to prevent her from walking down the aisle wearing a duct tape and hefty bag wedding gown? Time flies when you're being crazy!
Cynthia's friend Natalie and her husband Christopher show up to talk about how Cynthia and Peter are not having sex. Natalie reveals that she knows Kandi Burruss' fiance Todd. And apparently Todd is quite the hustler who was known for trying to date up – or put himself in positions to reap the benefits of his associations. "Basically Todd's an opportunist?" Cynthia asks. I wonder if Natalie has been talking to Mama Joyce?
Oh Couples Therapy – Whew! Where does a girl begin breaking down this mess? I mean, I need therapy after watching it, but real therapy not of the Dr. Jenn Berman 'lemme stroke your F-list ego' variety.
Taylor Armstrong rendered me paralyzed by laughter for a full 10 minutes while I watched her epic meltdown over "pea green towels" and the lack of acceptable lattes at the mansion. And that's where we begin. With Taylor and John Bluher exercising their right to tantrum.
Taylor goes Oklahoma on Dr. Jenn's staff until they give her permission to call the doctor herself and complain. Immediately upon getting on the phone Taylor goes from OK to Hawaiian sunset as she calmly but snootily explains that filet mignon is a necessary requirement for her life. "I can't live like this," she whines. "It's like a joke." Yes – it is exactly like a joke except we're all laughing at you, not with you.
Lest Taylor forget about all her financial problems – lady you were hawking fake Birkins to pay for legal bills.
The ladies of Mob Wives are back on Staten Island, and Drita D'avanzo calls Big Ang to share a her recent disturbing dreams about people breaking into her home and she shoots them repeatedly. She's hoping it's not a premonition, and she's scared that there is actual meaning behind them. Drita believes she can foresee the future through her dreams. She even dreamt that Lee's best friend ratted him out before he actually did. Ang tries to placate her friend to no avail. At Alicia diMichele Garafalo's house, her brother stops in for a visit. She appreciates his support now that her husband's sentencing has been postponed. He hopes that when his sister gets sentenced she'll be under house arrest. He wonders if she's considered what would happen if she actually gets sent to jail. She wants to avoid the subject at all costs.
Natalie Guercio heads to Ang's to rehash her Vegas fight with Renee Graziano. Drita pops in to be part of the conversation. Natalie apologizes to them for being thrown in the middle of the craziness. She shares how Renee "apologized" to her while basically calling her trash. No respect! Drita and Ang are appalled. Natalie doesn't believe Renee's mea culpa was sincere, and Drita warns her that Renee can't get over things. It's not Natalie, it's Renee. Drita questions whether Natalie can be civil around Renee. Natalie believes she can as long as Renee stays in line.
First, Mike wakes up the morning after the Diamond Water party, and Jessica tells him it was a disaster. Mike admits he doesn't remember much of what happened at the party, but he says his friendship with Reza is important to him.
Asa invites MJ and GG to her house for lunch. Good news, MJ wears a real shirt over her corset. Bad news, it isn't long before she's falling out of it. Worse news, MJ's as annoying as ever. Season three MJ is such a disappointment to me. MJ brings Asa an orchid and she wears sunglasses. GG brings Asa an orchid and she wears sunglasses. So MJ complains about GG copying her. How could GG have known about MJ's orchid? And isn't it always sunny in CA? Anyway, lunch is awkward, but GG and MJ come to a truce. MJ admits using Leila to get to GG was crappy. GG thinks MJ's apology is lacking but accepts it.
Last night Abby Lee Miller put her threats into action on Dance Moms. Everyone is replaceable, and she set out to prove it with the first of her open auditions. Leslie arrives at the ALDC as if she didn't have a meltdown at the previous competition about disrespect. Abby explains to Leslie that she takes things too personally and her behavior ends up embarrassing everyone. Jill interrupts their pow-wow to butter up Abby with a new pair of earrings. That's a new low! At the pyramid, Abby touts her open auditions in Orlando, and all the girls and moms look like deer in headlights…except for Maddie, of course. Abby invites Maddie and MacKenzieto travel down early to help her with the auditions. Leslie then opens her mouth to inquire as to why they are the ones who Abby chose to assist her. Abby turns to Payton to tell her that her mom often speaks out of turn, and she should be embarrassed by her behavior.
Payton is on the bottom, but she fully expected to be there thanks to her mother. Kendall follows, and Jill is beyond confused. Why did she bother with the earrings? As Kendall is on the verge of tears, Abby reminds her that she needs to cut out the crying. Nia then Paige round out the bottom tier. Kelly is complimented for not causing drama. MacKenzie is in fourth, with Brooke in the third spot. Abby explains to her that she can balance dancing and singing as long as she's performing to the best of her ability. Chloe is in second for following Kendall when she was supposed to dance before her. Once again, Maddie graces the top of the pyramid. Maddie and MacKenzie both get solos, but MacKenzie won't be dancing in the group routine. Brooke will be leading a trio with Paige and Chloe as background dancers. Abby asks the moms to tweet about her open auditions, but Holly refuses to aid in finding a replacement for her daughter. Curses! Abby is foiled again. Not shockingly, Melissa promises to tweet the news.