Things are happening on Vanderpump Rules. Dramatic things! Jax Taylor turned 40. We do not need to celebrate any more milestones for him though. Raquel Leviss is suddenly finding herself included in things. I can’t tell if that’s because Kristen Doute is finally finding herself EXcluded for not making Carter her official ex, or if it’s because Lala Kent wants to eviscerate Raquel in public. Or because James Kennedy has finally sobered up and everyone wants to experience the potential shit-show that is Sober James?
Lisa Vanderpump meets Ariana Madix for a little horseplay. Lisa has taught her horse to talk, likes to make-out with him, and can conjure his wiener on demand. Lisa is one step away from Carole Baskin, and Ken better watch out before he finds himself fed to a pen full of tiny ponies. You know Lisa’s next wedding will feature a slavish weirdo wearing a pink tasseled horse saddle while she holds him by the literal reigns.
(Please watch Tiger King. I will be recapping a couple episodes, and we need to discuss.)
Anyhoodle, back on track to the other show about a crazy menagerie! Here we are on Vanderpump Rules. Katie Maloney shows up at Stassi Schroeder‘s holding a literal trough full of In & Out to cure their hangover. Stassi is sprawled on the sofa in schlubby PJs bemoaning how Kristen made her get wasted. Look, these two need to get In-volved in something besides themselves and OUT-of the house doing something that doesn’t involve alcohol. That’s not gonna happen though. Instead Katie is hosting a girl’s wine night and invited every single person she knows except for Kristen.
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Katie is probably having this party solely to have something to exclude Kristen from. Katie and Stassi are so desperate to prove a point that Kristen is axed even Raquel is invited.
On the other side of town Raquel wakes up fresh-faced and chipper, wearing matching jammies and a perfect pony. She confronts James about whether or not he was drinking at a party last week, like Lala claims, and James denies it. James also realizes that if he’d been drunk at Tom 1‘s birthday party he would’ve lashed out at Lala and caused a big scene, which Lisa would’ve heard about (aka Lala’s plan), but instead he left with his dignity in tact. Something he’s never experienced before. Lisa has become James’ sober companion and is calling every day for reports on his sobriety, and now he has something good to share.
Later, while Raquel is at work, Katie calls to issue the invitation. Raquel accepts, but predicts that Lala will try to fuck with her. Raquel has such nice manners. Honestly she could teach a class to the rest of these hoodlums. Starting with Brett Caprioni!
Brett runs a YouTube channel where he personally trains his anonymous audience of women everywhere. Hoping to broaden his followers he asks Scheana Marie to be a guest to discuss being a young divorcee. Scheana’s eyes take on the shiny glaze of someone who has just been asked out. Brett can smell the desperation emanating like a Walmart perfume, and clarifies that he sees her as JUST A FRIEND. He drives this point home over and over again, but Scheana considers it a moving a point. One that on an Instagram survey is sliding right towards ‘Best Friend who I fuck and try to trap into a relationship.’
Brett actually compares Scheana to a guy friend, but she still sees that rejection as a personal challenge. These two are literally speaking two different languages like a couple on 90 Day Fiance. Is Brett smarter than every other guy at SUR in escaping her talons? We’ll see, my friends (pun intended)!
Brett reiterates that he is SO NOT THAT INTO SCHEANA by referring to her as a “middle aged woman” to all his subscribers on the actual video. Scheana is 34. Um, ‘scuse me – what middle-aged woman goes on a date and has sex 4x in one night!? Scheana is fun! She’s spunky! She’s spry! She has energy! She’s spontaneous! Her vagina is still naturally moist! If you want middle-aged, head over to The Valley where Jax is celebrating his 40th!
Finally Scheana gets a clue that Brett is a fucking asshole when he also refers to her as a “fuck girl” and dogs her out for sleeping around trying to find Mr. Right. Basically she’s a desperate cougar, but this guy is a disgusting misogynist.
To celebrate Jax’s entrance into a new and probably just as horrid decade, Tom 1 invites Tom 2 and Max Boyens over to help him play a little prank: he wants to TP Jax’s house while he’s out to lunch. WASTING TP in the era of Coronavirus?! The shaaaaaaame! Tom 2 thinks it’s a bad idea because Tom and Jax are in such a bad place, but Tom 1 won’t be deterred. Even when Tom 1 tries to loosen Tom 2’s rationale by feeding him beer bongs, he still refuses to help, leaving Tom 1 to make Max his sidekick. Tom 2 is deeply afraid of Jax’s rage, whereas Tom 1 thinks going the extra mile (or ply) is just the thing to get a friendship back on track. He even writes “Old Fart” in shaving cream on the driveway.
Predictably Jax is furious and immediately suspects Tom 1, but Tom is prepared with an alibi: he pretends he was also TP’d! He literally threw TP on his own bushes. Jax vows revenge. At least Brittany Cartwright laughed.
Continuing the trend of pay it forward, Scheana calls Kristen to warn her before she sees on social media (and you know everyone will be insta’ing this intentionally to rub in Kristen’s face) that Katie is throwing a wine night and everyone with a vagina will be there except for her. Even Charli Burrnett, this weird girl who sometimes scuttles around SUR mumbling pasta, and Danica Dow, whom Katie thought was the homeless person living in the SUR dumpster. Scheana postulates that Lisa may have even come if she weren’t heading to London for her mother’s funeral. SO thoughtful Scheana. Then Scheana chirps that she’ll see Kristen at Jax’s party and leaves Kristen to drink with her dogs.
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James preps Raquel for the “feeding frenzy” that will likely descend upon her once these girls get a little wine in them. With Kristen not invited Raquel will have to be their entertainment!
Scheana brought stringed cheese to the party. With their little single packets. The cheese that stands alone. Being slowly eaten away at. Lord, I love an unintentional irony! Everyone is dressed cute, but casual and in a cheerful mood, until Lala walks in, dressed waaaay up and overly sexy and with a serious chip on her shoulder. Did Rand revoke some PJ privileges? Was this when the Fofty dramz was going down and Lala was supposed to be on house arrest?
Lala decides to ruin the party by announcing to Raquel that she needs to go sit in the corner, which is her place. See, Lala heard from Jax, of all reliable sources, that Raquel was bragging about telling Lala to shut the fuck up at Tom’s birthday, so now it’s time to remind Raquel who’s boss by trying to embarrass her in front of everyone. Except for all the narratives about how dumb Raquel is she swiftly and promptly informs Lala that she is not impressed or intimidated by her. “If we don’t all agree that Lala is a bully, we can at least all agree that she’s a bitch,” explains Raquel.
Lala pretends she was just trying to see if James was OK when she confronted Raquel at Tom’s party, but YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.
Thankfully Raquel was completely nonplussed and composed as she calmly reminded Lala that if she cared she wouldn’t have been making accusations about James‘ relationship with Logan Noh. Then Lala went off and started screaming at everyone, even telling Stassi to stay in her lane. Honestly is Lala mentally, like, OK? Perhaps Charli is right (she’s the new idiot savant here): Lala still has feelings for James, and is projecting onto Raquel. I thinks it’s more that Lala resents no longer being able to control James. Suddenly Raquel has more power in the dynamic than Lala does. Raquel used to always come second to Lala, but not anymore – and what’s worse is that Raquel knows this. Raquel has found her power and her voice, and I love it.
Meanwhile Lala is ranting like a crazy person in the subway. Maybe she’s not as happy in love as she pretends to be…
The next morning Raquel is scarcely bothered by Lala’s outburst and is more focused on how James‘ AA meeting went. James is finding his center away from alcohol. Let’s hope this positive progression continues.
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Now entering the downward spiral. Jax, the man who complained about theme parties being annoying, is throwing an 80’s themed birthday. Revisionist history is Jax’s thing, so he claims he wasn’t wearing a costume – he just dresses like Brett Michael everyday! Everyone pretty much ignores Kristen as she struggles to learn why Stassi and Katie hate her so much. The answer is Carter, lurking awkwardly around like a squatter. This guy really does not ever get clue that he’s not wanted. Brittany is the only friend Kristen has at this point and Brittany’s resolve might be waning under the powerful spell of the remaining Witches of ValleyHoe.
Jax is still miffed at Tom 1 for the TPing. Even after Tom gives him a samurai sword signed by Randy Jackson to solidify an inside joke from one of their earliest friendship memories. For Tom’s birthday Jax gave him… [crickets]. Tom is too good for this Vanderpumpian world!
Tom 2 gave Jax a foot fetish prosthetic foot that has a silicone vagina attached. Too fucking gross to even contemplate, yet I cannot get that vision out of my mind. BLERGH. Ariana, who has been watching HGTV, decides to repurpose it as a shot glass holder for the after party they are hosting for Jax at their place. Instead of appreciating it Jax complains that they spent all this money on a party, but haven’t bought a couch. He actually whines to Brittany, “Where am I supposed to sit down?!” Jax is the most ungrateful loser the land has ever known. I want to stomp his face with that silicone fetish foot.
Since Rand and Lala are such a power couple, always trying to do right by everyone, Rand went ahead and planned the ultimate prank to get Tom back by having fake cops arrest him for vandalism. Why is Rand even involved in this? Rand -go back to being the anonymous “My Man” in Lala’s shadowy imagination.
Tom is completely blindsided by the phony arrest, but complies believing it’s real. Poor Katie was completely panicked as they cuffed Tom and put him in a cop car. Just as Ariana is starting to freak out on Jax, Rand and Jax reveal themselves. Tom is a good sport (as always) and is actually honored someone put this much thought into pranking him, but Katie is genuinely upset and emotional thinking one of her friends was about to be arrested. She’s probably so upset because deep down he knows Jax would call the cops on Tom because he’s petty and vicious.
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Then out of the night comes the next dark passenger: Tom 2! Tom is furious that Katie is trying to ruin the party. In an out of body experience he repeatedly tells her to shut up and snarks that this is why they don’t have sex. Tom 1 desperately tries to get Tom 2 to stop saying such awful things. Even Beau Clark tries to talk Tom down, but Tom tells him to shut up too.
The the emotional floodgates have been opened and Tom 2 is airing allllll their dirty laundry. Hanging that shit from the trees and vandalizing Tom 1‘s house with it. Katie looks defeated as she sulks away, insisting that she’s not mad. The worst is while berating her as a moron and an idiot who he isn’t attracted to Tom still tries to get Katie to leave with him, but she sends him home alone. Thankfully.
How horrible for Katie! I really wish these two would’ve split when they had the chance. Instead they went through with a second sham marriage to legitimatize the first sham marriage. Will the toxic cyclical farce never end? Their relationship, if you can even call it that, is to quote Tom 2, “gross.” Maybe Tom 2 should get together with Lala, his verbally abusing equal.
TELL US – DID KATIE DESERVE TOM’S VERBAL ABUSE? DID RAQUEL PUT LALA IN HER PLACE? DID JAX’S REVENGE PRANK GO TOO FAR?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]