Geez Louise! Just the preview for the upcoming season of Don’t Be Tardy gave me the spins–I’d almost forgotten how quickly that theme song infiltrates your brain and refuses to leave! Good thing I still have some of Kim Zoliciak Biermann’s mango sparkling moscato to get me through the premiere. Kidding…if a bottle of wine goes a week (much less a year) in my house without being opened, there’s a reason.
The episode begins with Kim and Kroy wrangling their youngest children as KJ helps their full time chef Tracey. Should I be bothered that Tracey just said “ass” in front of a four-year-old? Brielle enters dressed in her mother’s hand-me-downs from the first season of Real Housewives of Atlanta, and in tow is her boyfriend Slade. Yep, there are at least two of them in Bravoland now! He changed his college plans just so he could stay in Atlanta and be close to his love. The family is celebrating Ariana’s constant string of straight As as Brielle brags about being on the top ten list of most absences. With Kroy as a free agent, everyone is frazzled about the possibility of moving, and the older girls are hellbent on staying in Atlanta.
Albie lives at home again and has now gotten involved in the cannabis business. Which basically means he’s the jerk you crushed on in high school who was popular and hot, but turned into a burnout loser. Vengeance for all of us. Caroline describes Albie as a Type-A perfectionist … so he’s perfecting the art of mooching? She’s delusional.
I think we all can agree that it’s not a party in Santa Barbara until Jackie Christie has bandaged her tongue and Shaunie O’Neal arrives. We learn something each week on Basketball Wives: LA, don’t we? She arrives right after the fight between Mehgan James and Brandi Maxiell. At least Brandi, Mehgan, and Malaysia Pargo are able to sit civilly in the kitchen as they rehash the brawl. Shaunie questions Jackie’s drinking, and Jackie goes off on Draya Michele for being mean to Mehgan.
Shaunie, Malaysia, and Brandi retire to a bedroom to further discuss the fight as Meghan and Draya bond over the realization of Jackie’s craziness. Jackie resurfaces to scream about what a great friend she is to Mehgan. With a manicured nail in Mehgan’s face, Jackie swears she had her back before totally losing it. Mehgan grabs a water bottle to launch at Jackie, and Jackie returns the favor by spitting on her. Nostrils is appalled. It’s one thing to punch somebody, but it’s quite another to be trashy and spit. Jackie packs her bags and calls Doug. He needs to take out bail money if anyone else comes after her. Mehgan feels badly for Doug, citing that he’s probably been with someone else because he couldn’t be faithful to the crazy.
Uh-oh. Jeff Lewis has flipped out on every employee, friend, and contractor in the greater LA area. But on last night’s Flipping Out, he’s had it up to here with Gage Edward’s demands, like where to place couches, and is turning his ire on the ones he loves.
But first, Jeff begins by ragging on Jenni Pulos in the car about forgetting his schedule. Now that Gramercy is sold, his beloved cat Stewie has passed away, and life is a bit chaotic, Jenni surmises that Jeff’s nastiness meter has been ratcheted up to 10. He’s barking at Gage on the phone, so Gage promptly hangs up on him post-rant. Jeff calls back to order Gage that from here on out when they are speaking on the phone, Gage will say “goodbye,” dammit! He and Matt can have their own little hang ups without goodbyes, he says, but they will not engage in such crass behavior with the likes of Jeff Lewis! Dang. Jeff is on a rampage. And it ain’t pretty.
On last night’s Little Women: LA, tension reaches the breaking point between Jasmine Sorge and Tonya Banks. But before they get into it, Tonya is taking Elena Gant out for a spin in her new dream car, purchased with three seasons of bitterness on reality TV! Tonya’s had her car modified for a little person, so she takes advantage of her new ride by driving Elena up to a mountain peak to talk some trash. Elena fills Tonya in on the epic argument that broke out at Jasmine’s party the night before about Briana Manson’s questionable relationship with boyfriend Matt. Elena thinks Briana needs advice and support, but “sneaky a$$ Jasmine” (according to Tonya) is Briana’s only ally at this point.
Brittney “Freakabritt” Guzman is moving into her new house with the help of her friend, Shelby, who is also a little person. They valiantly heave and heft boxes as much as they can before sitting down for a chat break. Brittney knows her gigolo dad will miss her, but it’s time to get her own place. She fills Shelby in on the new circle of girls she’s been hanging with, which includes a few former lovahs of her daddy’s. (That was sort of gross to type.) Christy McGinty, Briana, and – according to Brittney – even marriedElena were tangled up with her Latin playa’ father at some point. To stir up some sh*t, Brittney’s dad recently suggested throwing a barbecue to get all of these ladies together. So they can claw each others’ eyes out?
Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives Of New York and I had a couple revelations. It’s my own version of drive-by therapy. Holla!
Firstly, Ramona Singer is incapable of change and while Bethenny Frankel had all 100% valid points about how Ramona is basically a toddler playing dress-up in mommy’s very dated wig and stripper heels, it was slightly missing the point. Ramona has changed – maybe not in her Ramonaisms, but her life as she knows it certainly changed.
Congratulations, dear readers. We did it. And more importantly, we did it together. We survived yet another season of Abby Lee Miller’s shenanigans on Dance Moms (not counting the reunion, of course…that will be a gem!). Pat yourself on the back. You are stronger than you thought you could be. After last week, the Nationals soloists were up in the air, but finally we got see some amazing drama–and even better dancing!
The finale episode begins with Abby corralling the girls to hype up Nationals and poo-poo the ALDC’s track record thus far this season. Jill hopes that Abby will focus and become the leader the team needs, but learning the Jeanette’s team is competing has her off her rocker per the usual. Abby is stressed about the studio opening, and Jessalyn wonders how in the world it will be finished in time. JoJo is on the bottom of the pyramid for constantly needing corrections, followed by MacKenzie. Kendall rounds out the bottom for being “okay.” Kalani is third on the pyramid for placing third in the competition, with Maddie holding down the second spot. Woo hoo! A deserving Nia tops the pyramid for being the overall high scoring solo. Finally.
Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County the ladies played Bravo’s most popular game: She/said-She/Said. The winner was Meghan Edmonds, who claimed the ‘Pot Stirrer Meet Kettle’ award. Because honestly, accusing someone else of being a pot stirrer in defense of Tamra Judge is absolutely ludicrous beyond belief!
As is always the case on vacations Tamra and Vicki Gunvalson can’t keep it in their pants… their bodily functions that is. After a night of binge drinking Tamra, Vicki, and Shannon Beador are in no condition to go on an underwater excursion. As Tamra termed it she can’t stop s#*!ing herself. Can we get Tamra and Vicki some sort of potty training refresher course? Meanwhile not even the nebulizer can clear out Shannon’s brain.
Heather Dubrow, wearing DENIM CUTOFFS (it was like an alien sighting — but she looked great), barges in to try to rally them, but even her assurances that she had Depends and wipes in her Birkin couldn’t get Vicki and Shannon to come along. Tamra dragged herself aboard the bus and worked diligently not to poop her 1992 Hair Band video vixen hot pink one-piece during the boat trip.