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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was all about the things we do for love. Some women finally change their name after a decade of marriage, some women overlook grifting opportunists because they bring her coffee, and some women… well they’ll just leave their man alone from 10-2 everyday so he can pretend to do stuff. Love is a powerful thing, but equally powerful is denial. I feel like Heather Dubrow needs to start teaching a class about how to have an adult relationship.

The other thing that happened was the sort of not so epic Tamra Barney vs. Alexis Bellino showdown. T’was sort of, I dunno, meh… and predictable.

Ok, so we begin with Brooks Ayers descending upon Vicki Gunvalson‘s office with of all things Starbucks. Blessed Starbucks. Hey, I’m a girl who loves her coffee and I wouldn’t throw a man out the door for bringing me lattes he bought on my credit card.

Shockingly Brooks was only bearing breakfast, not a folder full of Hallmark cards. Remember those wallets everyone’s dad used to have before smartphones and iPads – the ones with the flip out photo holder? I think Brooks has one full of affirmations and inspirational quote cards. Need a lift, I’ve got good tidings to go! I bet he just whips them out whenever Vicki starts asking too many questions.

Vicki tells Mr. Hallmark about the fight with Briana Culberson, including that Briana called him an opportunist. Brooks starts rambling on about how Briana has truth, her truth and I can see him straining to remember that Joel Osteen segment on being the best you you can be. Truthfully though, I think Brooks handled it well. Vicki doesn’t understand why Briana is upset, after all she’s always been the perfect mother! Yep – she said that.

Naturally, Vicki thinks Briana has daddy issues because of her father and Donn. I wonder if Briana has daddy issues or mommy issues? Vicki cries that she is tired of her life being under construction, she just wants her life to be finished product. Are these two perfect for each other or what? Love tanks, construction zones, what’s next? A garden analogy?

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Devon Broyles from Richmond, Virginia is the teem mom we met on last night’s 16 and Pregnant.  She brags about being mature for her age, as she’s sixteen and pregnant with her twenty-year-old boyfriend Colin whom she met after his first tour in Iraq.

Devon lives at home with her older brother, two sisters, and mom.  Her folks are divorced, but her parents are still friendly, so her dad stays at their house when he’s in town.  Hmm, what else?  Oh yeah, Devon’s sister Jane is also a teen mom, so her one-year-old daughter lives there as well.  Her mother also let Colin move in after the pair started dating.  Where’s John Stamos because this is clearly a full house!

The couple reminisces about the many nights Devon would sneak Colin into the house late night, and once her mom busted them the following morning, he was allowed to move in for good.  She got pregnant a few months later.  Devon is focused on school while Colin supports the family by serving in the Reserves.  She admits to her friends that she didn’t figure out she was pregnant until she was five months along.  Yea prenatal care!  Her friends laugh at her misfortune as she was always the life of every party.

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After a volatile competition on the last Dance Moms: Miami, last night the dancers are back to learn their places on the list.  Abby and Sammy are noticeably absent.  Debi isn’t too sad to see that they aren’t present.  Angel is upset about the drama that went down at the competition, especially with the moms (cough, cough, Suzie, he means you!).

Sammy is at the bottom of the list, presumably since she dropped Kimmy and then tried to blame shift, but it works out well since she’s also a no-show at practice. Hannah is fourth on the list due to technique even though she did well at the competitionLucas, who won first for his solo, is third because he threw Sammy under the bus and tattled on her for saying Kimmy’s timing was off in the group number.  Am I seeing things or did smoke just come out of Brigette’s ears?  I think she’s more upset at that news than Lucas.  Kimmy gains second place for taking the blame for something she didn’t do.  Ani is shocked.  She figured her daughter would be much further down the list due to her dancing.  How weird is it not to see a mom get upset about their child’s placement!  Jessi places first for dancing well and juggling the stress that her crazy mother bestowed upon her.  True that!

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We’ll just give you the highlights of last night’s season finale of Dancing with the Stars. If you just want the winner – skip to the bottom!

The judges pick Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd do give an encore performance. It’s not surprising since it was one of the most exuberant dances of the entire season. I may start watching the Green Bay Packers next season.

Each of the booted contestants return to do a performance with their partners, including Sherri Shepherd, whose dance with several men sends her hormones into overdrive and I suddenly remember how much she annoyed me. Am I the only one who forgot a few of these contestants existed? I had at least two “oh yeah! they were contestants in the beginning!” moments. Also, am I the only one who thought Jack Wagner’s attempt at sexy was a tad creepy?

Up first for the final dance: William Levy and Cheryl Burke with a Salsa. Wasn’t it just last night that Len told William that he needed to spice it up and stop shaking his butt and being so predictable? Len seemed to forget his previous criticism because he says if salsa and rhythm were an Olympic sport, he’d win the gold. Bruno says nobody does it better than William. The judges give them a perfect score of 30.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas choose the Jive, set to “Splish Splash”. Bruno tells her she has technique, versatility, and is a truly stunning dancer. Carrie Ann says she’s a brilliant artist. Another perfect score of 30.

Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd are up last and doing the Cha Cha Cha. Not sure the shirtless move was the best one – it was almost distracting and unnecessary. Carrie Ann says that he’s the one to beat. Len says that he’s the best footballer they’ve had over the years. Bruno says it’s a massive hit for “Donald the Magnificent”. The judges give them a perfect score of 30.

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Last night’s episode of Bethenny Ever After felt like the end of an era. Bethenny Frankel rehashed the past and she and Jason Hoppy seemed to be finally moving forward in a positive direction. We were treated to several montages of Bethenny’s life on reality TV over the years and although this isn’t the finale it seems to be setting the stage to tie up a bunch of loose ends in preparation for next week’s final farewell.

Things begin with Jason and Bethenny visiting their new apartment, which is still under construction, but finally seems to be moving along. Bethenny is having some issues with the TV eclipsing the bar and since this is quite literally an apartment built on booze, sweat, and tears – Skinnygirl needs an altar.

Really though, she’s right. Not only does Bethenny Frankel Hoppy love her some libations, but an homage to the glorious liquor gods who made her rich seems fitting. I also think she needs a shrine to Andy Cohen.

We are treated to a montage of Skinnygirl over the years from Bethenny convincing the ever-so-classy ladies of Real Housewives of New York to try a Skinnygirl margarita to learning she’d sold the brand to BeamGlobal.

Next up, Bethenny and Bryn head to Spanish class. Bethenny talks about wanting Bryn to have all the opportunities she didn’t have – namely parents that love and care for her and want to be involved in her life. Bethenny marvels at how perfect Bryn is and how unique. She describes Bryn as her own signature brand and the life of the party. Bethenny tells us her priorities have seriously changed since becoming a mommy and she wouldn’t want to miss a thing. Which is nice. She does seem totally enthralled with Bryn. I hope she always remembers that business is just business.

Side note: I love that Bethenny and Jason walk Bryn so many places.

It’s montage galore up in here! There’s another montage of Bryn‘s life and Bethenny‘s pregnancy. I cannot believe how big Bryn has gotten and how tiny Bethenny has become. Time really has flown.

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It’s Basketball Wives time yet again, and last night the ladies were still stirring up drama and screaming their way around the resort.  I sincerely hope no one else is staying there on vacation!

Jenn Williams and Kenya Bell have arrived in Tahiti.  I wonder if they passed Kesha Nichols in the airport.  Jenn reminisces about her very similar honeymoon with Eric.  On the sunset cruise, Tami Roman is already starting the damage control.  She tells Evelyn Lozada and Shaunie O’Neal she wants to talk to Kesha calmly, like an adult, and hopefully they can coexist.  What a novel concept.  The women are sidetracked when the boat passes Jenn’s bungalow where she is lounging on the balcony.  Why is Tami drinking her beer through a straw?  Tami decides to try to fix the rift between Jenn and Evelyn, but there are huge loyalty issues.

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The Dancing with the Stars powers-that-be did what we hope for all season and kept the first part of the finals competition to just one hour.

William Levy & Cheryl Burke are up first with an energetic ChaCha to “Raise Your Glass”. The colors on Cheryl’s dress were fun, but something about the cut/style just didn’t suit her for some reason and I was distracted by it. In my unprofessional opinion, there didn’t seem to be much content for what should be the “knock their socks off final dance”. Len disagrees with me, saying it was the best he’s seen in 14 years. What do I know?

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Oh lawdy, last night was a night of meltdowns wasn’t it? Real Housewives of New Jersey was an emotional hot mess of whining, tantrums, crying, cursing, bickering, double talk and fat talk. Sometimes we all freak out – even if we are a forty-something father of four or a ten-year-old girl or an overweight twenty-four year old woman. You know what – we’re all just people at the end of the day.

But before we get to tantrums, let’s talk butt cheeks. There were a lot of those weren’t there? There were also bras and tampons. And I learned something important today that I never particularly wanted to know… Teresa Giudice didn’t wear a tampon until she was 27. Did she never go to the beach on her period until she was married?

So things begin in the car with Teresa and Joe Giudice. She tells him about the pool party and he starts screaming and cursing about how much he hates her family and will throw them out of his house and kill people. It was horrible. Juicy needs an intravenous drip of prozac and an anger management coach. Teresa was mortified – as well she should be – dump this loser please. He’s bad for her image and her self-esteem.
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