It was the hometown visits for American Idol this week, which on the results show warrants a Simon and Garfunkel montage (loves!) as Joshua Ledet, Phil Phillips, and Jessica Sanchez head back to where their hearts are for a giant, stadium sized homecoming party. Ryan Seacrest reminds America about the deets of the next week’s final faceoff with his hands casually resting on the backs of Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez. Steven is doing his best Gollum/gargoyle statue impression while JLo looks awkward…probably because she’s not sure she’s going to continue with this gig. Randy Jackson is confident in his judging abilites, sporting a leather blazer.
After Ryan announces the performers for the evening will be the King’s daughter Lisa Marie Presley and everyone’s favorite Idol alum and eyeliner abusing Adam Lambert, the final three perform a Beatles song. Yawn. Bring on the sofa! As always, an idol fueled Ford commercial is highlighted, with a noticeably absent P Philly. Jessica explains she’s happy to make it this far, and regardless of her fate, she’s excited to find out the results. Phillip and Joshua echo her sentiments…and why shouldn’t they? History tells us that the runners-up usually do better than the winner anyway. Reuben Studdard knows what I’m talking about. J Hud, anyone?
Chaz Brown won first place last week, and while he has immunity, he is able to pick his fellow black teammates to travel with him in first class. I’m excited as some part of me thought the teams would stay the same throughout. Chaz chooses Cheven (Chef Kevin), Avery Pursell, Mrs. GarrettGary Walker, and Nookie Postal. So two of the red team are heading to Lyon in style. The black team castoffs aren’t too upset to not be on Chaz’s team. On the red team, Sai Pituk is upset that her Asian training won’t be helping out her team yet again.
Well that was certainly shocking wasn’t it? Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County had it all. There were princesses, and puppies, and inappropriately placed speeches, and engagement rings, and diarrhea, and luxury bathrooms where champagne happened but diarrhea did not, and trains, and surgery, and there was also that fight where Briana Culberson called Vicki Gunvalson out on having an emotional affair. Yeah – so how ’bout that bombshell? Whew… I’m still speechless!
So where do we begin with these fine orange specimens of botoxed, bleached glory? Oh, yes we start at the Barbie-ests of them all’s house – Princess Alexis von Nosenjob Boobersmidts Tannorexia of Rent-a-mcmansions (aka Alexis Bellino) She’s a stunning example of a queenly and dignified life. Princess Von Boobersmidts is on the precipice of the entertainment event of the year. The grand gala of puppies and princesses. A ball where all the fairest, and grandest, and “wealthiest” come from miles around. Descending down the steps of their giant SUVs covered in glitter and filled with fillers. Oh, it’s an event to say the least.
Yes, Alexis is throwing a princess puppy party for her four-year-old twin daughters Melania and McKenna. Alexis has assistants and party planners and movers shuffling around giant ornate over-stuffed hideous rent-a-couches in order to make room for the bevvy of puppies that will be dropped onto the scene the next morning. In the middle of all of this our very busy princess takes a break for a statelyevening ritual… spray tanning. She’s so busy, but a lady is nothing without her orange glow.
On last evening’s Dance Moms: Miami, the insanity really took a turn. Susan’s antics threaten to ruin Jessi’s home at the studio, and Debi will turn on anyone to stop others from turning on her. Victor, Angel, and the kids (oh, and of course Kimmy’s mom Ani) are the only ones not riding Ozzy’s crazy train.
The dancers did an amazing job at last week’s competition, and while Victor and Angel are very proud, there is always room for improvement. After their most precious little duet, Lucas and Kimmy are in the first and second spots on the list, respectively. Victor touts Jessi’s solo as “phenomenal” but she’s third for getting a lower score than the two nine year olds. Susan is peeved. Her daughter is the best dancer at Stars! Sammy is fourth on the list for not standing out enough. Even though Hannah wins her age group, she’s last on the list because she cried before going on stage. Hannah believes that she just needs to work harder.
We were introduced to Sarah Roberts on last night’s 16 and Pregnant, a sixteen-year-old from Chickamauga, Georgia. She is super close to her mother, and she lives with her mom and two brothers. Sarah met her boyfriend Blake in the sixth grade, and they have been dating on and off for five years. She had aspired to go to college and study journalism, while Blake dreams of being a shrimp boat captain. Sarah’s mom Tina and Blake don’t get along, but of course she lets him move in once Sarah gets pregnant. He’s a high school dropout, and Sarah’s mom doesn’t like how disrespectful he is or how he treats her daughter. Blake doesn’t like following Tina’s rules, and Sarah wonders how long he will stick around in Chickamauga. Blake thinks he could make more money shrimping in South Georgia.
Sarah’s mom does her make-up every morning. Tina is concerned that once the baby is born the couple will take off to South Georgia. At a doctor’s appointment, Blake seems very uncomfortable. Sarah tells her midwife that she will be going to school online, while Blake mumbles something about getting his GED. Blake has promised to pick up a crib from Sarah’s aunt, but he’s busy…playing video games and hanging out with his friends. Tina warns Sarah that he’s only going to get worse once the baby is born. Blake confides in a friend that he just wants to have fun until the baby is born. The whole conversation has subtitles. Thank goodness I’m Southern. I have no problem understanding what they’re saying, which is awesome because it means I can keep typing instead of trying to decipher their backwoods twang. The ever classy Blake reveals that he is so sick of Sarah’s mother, he is sometimes just tempted to pay child support and be done with it.
This season of Basketball Wives has got to be almost over, right? I mean, I don’t know how much more I can take of these women. Just a forewarning, this post is more emotional than I tend to be, just because I was beyond disgusted at what I was watching. I used to really enjoy watching these women. Where did things go wrong??
Tami Roman is still going off on Kesha Nichols. Kesha is staying cool, while Tami continues to remind Kesha that she told Royce Reed and Suzie Ketcham she wanted to go off on her. Kesha walks away and tries to remain calm, as Tami confiscates her pocketbook and refuses to relinquish it until Kesha returns to put her in her place. Do you kiss your kids with that mouth, Tami? Tami seems to be mad that Kesha doesn’t know where she comes from, but it’s time to put that excuse to rest. Tami apparently doesn’t seem to care that Kesha comes from a background where people don’t b!tch slap one another and hold handbags hostage. I want to smack (not really, as I’d be stooping to their level) Shaunie O’Neal,Evelyn Lozada, and Suzie for not intervening. When Kesha walks away, the other women think that Kesha should have spoken her mind. Shaunie even laughs that Tami is really going to keep her bag and sunglasses. Tami, you are a grown woman, and you should be ashamed of your behavior. Sixth grade bully.
On last night’s episode of Bethenny Ever After, the Skinnygirl team headed to Aspen for the launch of Skinnygirl White Cranberry Cosmo. Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy continued to wrestle over whether or not Jason should work for Skinnygirl and Bethenny got a reminder of what it was like to be single and twenty-two again.
Things begin, oh I don’t even know where they began? What were they even doing? Oh that’s right… hanging out on the street corner! Which seems as close to Bethenny‘s natural habitat as a cougar in the city can get! Bethenny is buying art for the new apartment and congratulating herself on being such a renegade, so cutting edge. She spends thousands – ON STREET ART! No one rich in the history of the world has ever done that. Well, at least according to Bethenny’s revisionist history.
Bethenny buys a American Flag painting. I’m not sure why. It was hideous and looked like it was a papier-mâché accident. I kept waiting for her to try and commission one with the Skinnygirl logo on it. Which actually would’ve been neat. She could hang it in the office.
The eighth season of The Bachelorette vows to be unlike any other. The famewhore making the decisions this season is Emily Maynard. America’s sweetheart, America’s famewhore, same difference. You probably remember Emily from Brad Womack’s second season. Brad’s the frequent-flyer bachelor who handed out roses in both seasons 11 and 15 of The Bachelor. His second attempt at true love ended with him proposing to Emily. Emily accepted Brad’s proposal, but her ridiculously high expectations and naiveté quickly wilted the relationship.
Emily is a single mom. And, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but she was engaged once before Brad. She was engaged to Ricky Hendrick, of NASCAR fame, in 2004. Sadly, on a rainy Sunday afternoon in October of the same year, Ricky boarded a plane sans an ill-feeling Emily. The plane crashed, leaving behind a pregnant Emily. Now, Emily is a single mom looking for true love on The Bachelorette. Even though it didn’t work for her the first time around, she “knows the series works.” Because, you know, that 17% success rate is a great testament of the true love that comes from appearing on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. I’m obviously grading on a curve, here. I’m including Trista Sutter, Jason Mesnick, by way of U-turn, Ashley Hebert, and Ben Flajnik, who is still collecting money on the deal.