On this beautiful-ish Monday morning, I'm a bit sluggish. Perhaps I was lulled into a stupor by Cynthia Bailey's passive non-action on last night's rather tepid and boring episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta? The wine was not able to keep me – or the episode – afloat. But alas, there were some bright spots.
We're still in Mexico where NeNe Leakes is telling Peter Thomas that he's like a bitch, no wait he's not really a bitch he just wants to be one of the bitches, but not an actual bitch, he's just in bitches' bizness. So he's a bitch but she didn't mean to call him a bitch she was just pointing out that he was acting like a bitch. If you're confused, you are not alone.
Last night onTeen Mom 2, some girls celebrated happily wedded bliss (again) and other girls headed towards happily unwedded unbliss (again) and some girls cried all the way home from jail (again).
Let's start and end with a positive! To start, Chelsea Houska finally accomplished something other than dumpingAdam Lind. Which speaking of positives: he was NOT presents on last night's episode. Go, MTV! Anyway, Chelsea graduated with her 600 hour aesthetics certificate and is on her way to getting her very first job. "I know I had Aubree young, but I've still accomplished what I wanted," Chelsea says. Good for her.
We pick up where left off in another one of Aviva's garishly painted rooms where she and Carole are arguing over whether or not they are psycho or writing their own books. According to Aviva, henceforth known as "Avicious," the "word on the street" is that Carole didn't write hers. 'Word on the street,' like the machinations Aviva creates in her mind while walking down the street? Word on the street is also that Carole's fiction book was a flop in need of serious re-writes. Word on the street is also that it takes a village to write a book. Again, that's only the word on Avicious street.
This is the season that doesn't end…yes, it goes on and on, my friend! Last night was yet another episode of Dance Moms in what is proving to be the most drawn out season in the history of the world. And I thought last season was long!
Abby Lee Miller is thrilled that her team is eleven for eleven this season, and she rocks the boat by including both Kalani and Peyton. She announces that she has finally replaced Brooke, Paige, and Kelly. Kalani's mom will be the new Kelly, while Kalani is the hybrid of the Hyland girls. Leslie goes crazy. Why is Peyton even here? She follows the rules! She's been trained by Abby since she started walking! What kind of witch would bring in her daughter only to make her an outcast? That's a rhetorical question, right?
Reunions… so draining! There is rarely any fresh drama, there is a lot of preening about how certain slights are the worst slights ever-ever, while other people's feelings just cannot compare. And it's just a lot of back-n-forth nonsense. Even Andy Cohen was visibly annoyed last night. Clearly he has reached the same point the rest of us have with the Richards sisters, meaning just stop whining! Go do your splits and rambles on another show.
Before that Andy calls Brandi Glanville out on doing something to her cheeks. She denies all the fillers and claims her cheeks are real. She makes Kim touch them. Kim tentatively reaches a trembly hand out and pokes gently, before laughing nervously about how it feels like skin. Like her werepuppy. I feel like this is the first human contact Kim has had since the late-90's. Andy side-eyes Brandi.
Forget about a segue for last night's Southern Charm…let's just get started with the pregnancy drama, shall we? We pick up where we left off last week as a wasted Thomas Ravenel walks a sloppy Kathryn Dennis down Broad Street for more boozing. They flirt like middle schoolers as to whether they should purchase a pregnancy test. T-Rav questions whether Shep Rose could be the father, but Kathryn slurs that he was just a fling and goes in for the make-out. Thomas grabs ass before they head to the Rite-Aid for an EPT. I'm sure that the cab driver thinks he's being punked by Taxicab Confessions.
Back at his house, Thomas and Kathryn are plagued with test errors, which are actually more user error. A pouty Kathryn can't believe that T-Rav would be so irresponsible as to put her in a position to be pregnant (really girl?), but she gets more upset when he assures her that they may be in the clear. So, does she not want to be preggers or is this her dream? Thomas promises his entire family fortune to this potential unborn child.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta are still in Mexico. And they're still on the Krayonce Moore Does Mexico Tour which includes several events with misguided purposes, layered and shaded in ulterior motives and sneaky behavior. You know, the usual!
We left off with Kenya and Apollo having a "chat" and in walks Phaedra Parks rocking a stare that would turn any inappropriate-acting Housewife to stone. As the other ladies watch, frozen, Phaedra asks Apollo what he's doing with Kenya and then Phaedra storms off.
NeNe Leakes and Porsha Stewart explain to Apollo that he has no business talking to Kenya because his wife asked him not to and that is disrespectful to his marriage. If you think that made sense to Apollo, you're wrong. It didn't. Meanwhile, Kenya was on the other side of the Interviews With A Sexter party gloating to Lawrence.
On last night's episode of Teen Mom 2, relationships were put to the test and bacon caused a marital breakdown.
Leah Calvert has made nagging and whining a full-time job. Usually I like Leah – aside from that mop of crazy she insists is hair (we don't believe you, member of the Dolly Pardon Wig Club!) – but last night she was working my last nerve. Look girl from WV, you can't have you pepperoni roll and eat it too!
Five minutes after the twins go to Corey Simms' for his weekend, Jeremy surprises Leah by letting her know he's headed to PA to work for a couple weeks. Leah is not happy. She tells Corey his job makes her feel like a single mother and that while he's gone she gets really overwhelmed. She's also frustrated that he doesn't validate her feelings by listening to an extended whiny-fest about how haaaaard lyyyyyyfe eees when he's gone. She thinks they should go to counseling to strengthen their marriage, but Jeremy is against it. He ain't payin' nobody his hard-earned money to tell him what's wrong with him.