Last night was the second installment in the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. Andy Cohen started off by exonerating Bravo from liability by repeating like a broken record that they do not condone violence. Why? Because Porsha Stewart was sent home like a naughty schoolgirl. I wish someone would have actually sent Porsha back to school, but that's an entirely different story…
Remaining on the stage is hair-tug victim, Kenya Moore. She feels vindicated and not at all responsible for Porsha's outburst. She was just having a little fun with her props. She actually said she was just having a good time. Krayonce's definition of "fun" is just as crazy as the rest of her.
"We fight with our words, I am one of the best at it," Kenya boasted. So good you got beat? Literally. Kenya cites last season in Anguilla when she launched into a tizzy of shrieking 'Gone with the wind fabulous!' as evidence of her masterful UN diplomat-level discourse. Miss Twirl On This obviously forgot the part where NeNe Leakesliterally held her back during that altercation. Detail, smetails!
Last night was the second part of the Teen Mom 2reunion and MTV obviously wanted to save the best – best drama, that is – for last! Chelsea Houska and Jenelle Evans were on the hotseat. While Chelsea was applauded for turning her life around and finally getting over Adam Lind (we hope!), Jenelle continued to try and make us believe she had changed too. Yeah, we don't believe you. Actions speak louder than words. And so do boyfriend choices.
Dr. Drew tackles Chelsea first. Chelsea seems really uneasy and upset about something – probably being in close proximity with Adam. Or maybe her eyelashes were puncturing her brain they were so long and spiky. Isn't she a professional?
Dr. Drew talks about her current situation with Adam. Chelsea regrets that he is not the best dad he can be for Aubree. She has no relationship with Taylor because Adam was cheating on Taylor with Chelsea. And by cheating, she means booty calls! CHELSEA! Chelsea says it was "months" ago – but it was while Taylor was pregnant!
Ramona is doing a negligee photoshoot with her dog so Avery can hang it on her dorm wall. Right – because everyone wants a calendar of their mother in over-the-hill lingerie. Holding a dog. With crazy-eyes. You know how they always say dogs resemble their master… Sonja comes over to also take photos of herself with her dog for Avery's dorm room? She yammers on about how she's now starting a men's and women's shirt collection. Meanwhile she lets her dog drink water out of Ramona's stemware.
Sonja puts on a happy face and keeps it together – she doesn't think anyone would know from looking at her how out of control her life is. She describes herself as a cat with nine-lives (and in 8 of them she forgot to put on pants!). Oh… I dunno, when I look at Sonja, I see a trainwreck.
On last night's 16 And Pregnant camo-lovin' country girl Autumn is a 16 year-old sophomore from Kentucky whose boyfriend (the highly-quotable) Dustin just will not give up the weed. Autumn is having a son that they plan to name Drake, but she's already the mother to Dustin who is immature, irresponsible, and loves to get hi-hi-hi-hiiiigh! Dustin has hard time accepting that fatherhood will mean giving up his favorite past-time: partying!
Through his red-rimmed eyes and the haze of his pot-glaze, Dustin just does not grasp the concept of parenthood. Of course he is jobless and hanging out with his friends. In fact he's so high I think he forgot he had a girlfriend, let alone one he impregnated. And Dustin sports a hat with beer bottle caps wrapped all around the brim. Classy!
To further complicate Autumn's life her older sister Misty is also a teen mom who had a baby months before. What is happening in this house?! Autumn tells her mom she didn't want to take birth control because she was afraid to gain weight. "I didn't wanna get fat," Autumn says looking down at her bump and revealing she has since gained 40lbs.
So! Shannon Beador. Oh my. On one note she's sort of quirky weird, she's also sort of crazy insane, but at the very least she's very real. She just puts it alllll out there. Whew.
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County, Shannon's marital implosion continued. This lady's love tank is filled with cruelty-free diamonds, and non-toxic particalizied air mixed with lavender scented essential oils but not love.
Things begin in Hawaii where Tamra Barney is trying to be a good friend to Vicki Gunvalson. You can see Tamra struggling, reading the cliffnotes she wrote on her hand about how to be empathetic and encouraging. These human emotion thingies are foreign concepts. Heather Dubrow is nodding and smiling, shooting Tamra reassuring looks that she's being OK. Remember it's like acting, you have to get into character she had coached her before this dinner while Vicki was examining seashells up the beach.
Well last night was bittersweet! Honestly, when I first requested to recap Southern Charm, I certainly didn't think I'd enjoy it–I just wanted to have an excuse to chronicle the inevitable train wreck. However, I'm sad to see it come to an end. Heck, I even started to kind of like Thomas Ravenel (and, no, I'm not drinking!)! Cameran Eubanks is utterly charming, Whitney Sudler-Smith's mother Patricia totally stole the show, and Shep Rose, well, um, he's got great fratty hair. Even Craig Conover grew on me a bit, and I'm not totally ashamed that we will soon be alums from the same law school. We all know that T-Rav has welcomed a baby girl with Kathryn Dennis and is residing in Florida (though still planning to run against Lindsay Graham according to The State), and Cameran married herself an anesthesiologist, so I am not counting my chickens that there will be a season two. I guess we'll have to bask in last night's finale to dull the pain.
The show begins where it left off last week, with Whitney's admission that he too hooked up with Kathryn around the same time frame as her "fling" with Shep and her pregnancy scare with Thomas. Prior to their con-bro-sation, the thirty second recap of the season courtesy of Cameran and Craig is pretty spot on and hilarious, I must say. Whitney tries to explain that he feels "dark and sleazy" for keeping this secret from his best friend, and he hopes that T-Rav will tread lightly in pursuing a relationship with her given his future political aspirations. Thomas looks gobsmacked. When did chicks start hooking up as often and as haphazardly as dudes?
So Quad Webb-Lunceford got the 'Toya-Treatment' from her old friend Mariah Huq. Are we surprised? Tell me you're not surprised. I mean it wouldn't beMarried To Medicinewithout a drunken Mariah getting her purse-whack on, would it? Too bad the cameras weren't rolling this time!
Mariah is hung-over sick in bed after a traumatic late-night encounter with Quad. While she's in bed Aydin prepares some feel-better soup for mommy except Aydin cuts himself opening the can and gets blood everywhere. Mmmm… yummy! And sanitary. While his gushing finger is bleeding all over the granite he dispatches some kid to stir the soup on the stove while their daughter whacks her head on the fridge. The mess that is Mariah reaches far and wide.
As Mariah eats, (Mariah feasting on the blood of others seems apt, right), she complains that a harrowing experience with Quad has left her unable to attend Toya Bush-Harris' upcoming party. Across town where Puppy Couture reigns supreme, Quad rouses from bed to fill Dr. G in on her run-in with MEriah.
Let's just get this out of the way right at the beginning: Porsha Stewart did in fact live up to the hype. She dragged Kenya Moore across that Real Housewives of Atlantareunion stage by her hair like she was a battery-operated real live pageant doll. The queen is down – off with her head! I was shocked. I was stupefied. I literally had flashbacks of my childhood [illicit] Dynasty watching days. Alexis Carrington lives again. Hey – there were just as many sequins flying.
Shockingly no one lost a garment – except Cynthia Bailey whose entire boob popped out as she leaped up to avoid the fight. Andy Cohen claims he was trying to stop things, but let's be frank he's less than useless. He was afraid. He was like a little yappy dog barking on the periphery of two big dogs going head to head. Boy – have several seats. Go ask NeNe Leakesto hold you in her lap, stroke your head, and tell you it's OK. Poor Andy – his own monster is turning on him. It's eating him alive.
So that happened. And it was not unprovoked. It was not all together unwarranted, but it was totally unacceptable. And at the very least, we learned that either Kenya has the best weave in the world or we just got confirmation that is real hair.