Recaps

Shannon flips Kelly Off

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like getting food poisoning at a BBQ thrown by a person you cannot stand, but whose party you have to attend because they’re related to your significant other. Basically it was like all of Shannon Beador‘s Thanksgivings – saddled to David and his dour mother who possibly put Ex-Lax in the cranberries she pretended to make from scratch. But it wasn’t just the food that was poisoned last night – there were all sorts of hellish encounters, and no one’s saintly patience was tested more than Shannon’s! Oh Shannon – can we take you nowhere without an incident or scene? Recounting your Housewives history, the answer, thankfully, is NO!

There is probably no one who loves a Real Housewives “dinner from hell” more than I do. In fact, I quit throwing dinner parties because mine are never terrible enough. It’s probably because I don’t have enough psychic friends, or frenemies who despise each other, or friends going through terrible personal dramas they want to talk about on TV, but refuse to let anyone else discuss. No one has ever thrown a plate full of steak at me either. Maybe I should just give up dinner altogether. I should also probably avoid my friends’ children’s birthday parties because they’re just the usual kids running around and eating too much cake. No middle-aged women argue, storm off, or have histrionic meltdowns over semantics. 

shahs-of-sunset1

We are only on episode two of the new season of Shahs of Sunset and I’m already tired of hearing the Persian Priestess turned Diamond Water Maker turned Kaftan Peddler Asa Soltan Rahmati go on and on about her unborn vegan baby. I wish someone could give me an epidural for the rest of the season to take the pain away.

Speaking of things we have to endure, Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi is back in full effect this episode and she is ready to make amends all over the place. I don’t even know if she understands what she is apologizing for but she plans on throwing those apologies out faster than she can go from belligerent drunk to blackout drunk. GG arrives at Asa’s house to eat some hummus and drink the weird watermelon juice Asa has set out. Note: not diamond water. But Asa is true to her new craft, the overpriced kaftans she wears nonstop, and today is no exception. GG shovels zucchini into her mouth with her talons and tells Asa how skinny she looks, despite Asa’s constant attempts to get GG to notice her baby bump.

Pedro-Eating-Chicken-Feet-90-Day-Fiance

On last night’s 90 Day Fiance, Chantel got to see where all of Pedro’s money is going when she and her family traveled down to the Dominican Republic for their second wedding. Chantel’s parents were also confronted by a plate of chicken feet, which went over about as well as…a plate of chicken feet. Paola continued to make Russ her indentured servant, Mohamed and Danielle continued to torture each other on social media, and Anfisa spontaneously lost 250 pounds when she kicked Jorge out of the apartment.

We begin in Ohio, where Danielle successfully orders a cup of coffee, then whines to her sister and brother in law, Paul, about how she still wants to be frieeeeeends with Mohamed. Paul is like: Wake up, woman! He knows Danielle would take Mohamed back in a heartbeat if he even answered one of her sad texts. Beth, who is also in attendance, nods in agreement. But Danielle swears this time it’s for real, ya’ll! She even wants her family to write affidavits in support of her fraud case. (Wait – Danielle actually learned the word affidavit? This is getting serious.)

Tonya-Banks-Terra-Jole-Reunion-Couch-LWLA

Another season of Little Women: LA over, another random woman on the reunion couch reliving the details of hooking up with resident sleezeball, Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer]. At this point, it’s almost like the rancid cherry on top of each season’s finale – and the grotesque segue into Briana Renee and Matt’s subsequent Lifetime spinoff. As Matt’s Alaska hookup, Stephania, joins Kevin Frazier and the cast to tell “her side of the story,” Briana fights back – and Matt pathetically cries. And – ugh!!! It’s just too much! Haven’t we suffered enough? No more of this totally depressing marriage, please.

Part two picks up with Stephania joining the group. She explains meeting “sad, lonely” Matt after getting off of her shift, then listening to his tale of woe at the bar. Her assessment: His wife was to blame for his troubles, and also for the kiss that happened afterward! Briana apparently came down to the bar to yell at them, which fueled Matt’s fire and justified his reasons for being a sh*tty tortured husband. Stephania insipidly excuses her own actions, claiming she just wanted to understand this troubled man better! So she pulled him into a no-camera zone (employee workspace), let him kiss her after he walked her home (which he claims to have apologized for), then bid him goodnight. Yeah, right.

Luann-D'Agostino-Bushes-Fall-Mexico-RHONY

Oh. My. God. Mexico had no idea what was coming! Because when The Real Housewives Of New York decide to invade your country in the name of booze research, you need to erect a wall around them. Last night, Bethenny Frankel’s tequila-inspired adventure sailed right into crazyville, where Ramona Singer (whose face suddenly resembles a grated radish) took room-grabbing to new levels, Luann D’Agostino [de Lesseps] tumbled drunkenly into bushes and concrete patios, and Tinsley Mortimer accused her benefactress of being a traitor.

We begin with the group arriving in Mexico, where Bethenny already has the sh*ts – or the flu – or spontaneous diarrhea in response to staring at what little skin remains on Ramona’s face (courtesy of a chemical peel). Carole Radziwill is looking forward to Taco Bell and to congratulating herself on her matchmaking skills with Tinsley and Scott. They are an official item! The ladies play “marry, f–k, kill” in the car on the way to their rental, then take a gander at a stray d*ck pic Sonja Morgan received on her phone from a wrong number. If anything, this is an omen of things to come.

below-deck

As season two of Below Deck Mediterranean cruises on, the tangled web of a love triangle between Chef Adam Glick, Bosun Wesley Wiz Walton, and newly promoted second-in-command, Malia White, is starting to unravel. I bet Malia is really regretting not properly vetting Adam for being a jealous psycho, because it’s really becoming more and more of an issue. Granted, it doesn’t look like Malia is so innocent either – someone needs to pick a coworker to hook up with and just stick with the one. Please, I’m begging you!

Crew drama aside, the most recent charter guests are a real handful, specifically because one of them is a yacht broker, who can easily make and break everyone’s career. So all the Malia nonsense will have to wait while the crew comes together to try and knock the socks off their guests. Too bad the one thing they can’t control is the weather and the weather doesn’t give a flying fig that a yacht broker is on board.

SOUTHERN CHARM --

I’m not going to lie…I’m still kicking myself for not going to the Southern Charm Reunion viewing party hosted by Gentry bourbon last night, but alas my day job got in the way. At Gentry’s finale party, Shep and Craig were there to watch with fans, and there was even a guest appearance by Dale Earnhardt, Jr. What? I am a closet NASCAR fan. Only in the south, y’all! Of course, it may have been harder to watch with the cast before snarking on their ridiculous behavior, so perhaps it was for the best!

As last night’s conclusion begins, Kathryn Dennis is still on the rampage regarding perceived indiscretions between Thomas Ravenel and Jennifer Snowden, and T-Rav is at the point of exploding. Kathryn then defends herself against the negative viewer reactions to her lunch with Jennifer while she sat like an ice queen glaring as Jennifer cried over her son’s health issues. Kathryn flips the switch and blames her assumption that Jennifer was using her tears to manipulate future editing of the scene. Jennifer is appalled that anyone would think she’d use her son for personal gain with plans, and it’s Kathryn’s turn to switch on the waterworks. Craig Conover reminds her that in rehab she probably learned she pushes people away as a defense mechanism. Yes, that’s right. Kathryn was in rehab. She’s on a journey. It’s about forgiveness talking about learning to do difficult things and realizing what battles are worth fighting. In case you’re wondering, grudges about handkerchiefs fall in the latter category.

javi-briana

Welcome to season 8 of Teen Mom 2! Some things haven’t changed at all, like Jenelle Evansattitude long standing feud with mom Barb over custody of Jace and love for all things drama, but there are plenty of other changes going on with the cast from new babies to new teen moms joining the show in the form of Briana DeJesus.

Speaking of, Briana is already familiar with Kailyn Lowry’s now ex-husband, Javi Marroquin after meeting a few years ago. We get to see some footage of their friendship in action when Javi drops by her dressing room after a taping of the Teen Mom 2 after show. Javi flirts good naturedly, saying Briana’s mom was trying to hook them up but that won’t work now since Briana is pregnant with boyfriend (?) Luis. She flips her hair and smiles back but goes on to say that things are going really well with Luis and they plan on moving in together. Oh, and she’s having another girl.