Recaps

Cynthia & Porsha argue at Kenya's boat party

All aboard the S.S. Krayonce for Bravo’s version of the Titanic, with far less hearts going on and a lot more going off on others. Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta a 3 hour cruise went horribly wrong and some Housewives panicked under pressure. It was every Housewife for herself with only unlimited booze, bikinis, and some very extra ‘Friends’. 

Before all that Kenya Moore decides to be neighborly by walking over to Chateau Sheree where Sheree Whitfield is sweeping the front porch. What type of so-called exclusive, upscale neighborhood has a highway running through it? Highway 666 judging by the neighbors! 

Kenya marvels at the size of Chateau Sheree and tries to barge in, but can’t open the door. Did Sheree get She By SheVicted?! To distract her, Sheree demands, “Where my cookies at?!”  

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Alexei-Loren-Argument-90-Day-Fiance

Our K1 Visa is almost up, folks! On this week’s special 2-hour episode of 90-Day Fiance, the couples find their impending doom wedding days drawing closer, and this sh*t is getting really…realLoren’s world, in which Alexei is currently taking up precious closet space, is all about her bachelorette party right now. Her friend, Sarah, and other gals are flying in to take Loren out for some drunken debauchery before the Big Day. Alexei is not thrilled with the prospect of his fiance turnt up and on the loose, noting that “drunk girls aren’t very smart.”

Sarah doesn’t do a stellar job of reassuring a nervous Alexei. She doesn’t like his sour demeanor, but on the plus side, she’s glad he’s tall! Loren promises to behave herself, but Alexei warns, “No strippers!” before she leaves anyway. Alexei says he trusts Loren, but his imagination is getting the best of him in this situation. My imagination is getting the best of me too as I picture Loren and 1,000 screeching girls taking over everyone’s favorite bar with glow sticks, toilet-paper veils, and penis-straws. Then getting promptly kicked out. 

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below deck reunion

“Mental wounds not healing; who and what’s to blame? I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train!” What could possibly be to blame? Maybe those sparkly butterflies occupying the ceiling of Eros? I so wanted another boat ballad to steer us into last night’s fun, but a little Ozzy Osbourne never hurt anyone. Plus, a boat is just a train on water, right? I don’t know about y’all, but I think it’s high tide, um, I mean “high time,” that the crew of Below Deck got a proper reunion! And a two-parter to boot! They have clearly arrived by Bravo standards! Andy Cohen has pulled the yachties from the WWHL clubhouse, and he feels like Captain Lee Rosbach has called them all to the bridge of the Eros.

Emile Kotze is sporting his grandfather’s suit, Eddie Lucas is looking adorable with a beard (it almost–ALMOST–makes me forget his douche-esque behavior this season!) and Kate Chastain has foregone the resting bitch face…for the time being. The get together kicks off with the gang recalling their favorite charter guests, and Connie Arias recalls that her roommate Emile would ask her to hit the deck a few minutes early every morning so he could spank the salami (or whatever the phrase may be). Lovely. Andy inquires as to why Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow is always chatting with her pal the ceiling, and she jokes that there were likely sparkly butterflies and unicorns flying around up there. When Eddie tries to crack a joke, Rocky jumps. Does Eddie want to get into things already? Is his girlfriend there so Rocky can share some of the sordid details of their laundry room hook-ups? 

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Shay and Scheana Intervention

Last night on Vanderpump Rules there was an intervention, some couples therapy, and one doomed relationship after another. Happy vibes!

Despite the fact that Shay is still MIA (in his parents basement), Scheana Marie is rallying like the supermodel she is by smizing with her saddest ‘I’m crying through my tears’ face as she models tiara-shaped hair clips, and giant gold crown headbands for Katie Maloney‘s new website Pucker & Pout.

Oh Scheana, you do sooooo much for your friends. Taking quick breaks to hold back tears so not to muss her makeup, Scheana sniffles, “Lisa told me to breathe through my nose.” Oh Scheana, you poor unfortunate soul whose husband became a Vicodin addict JUST so you could have a storyline about how love is harder than the diamond you covet so super bad!

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hollywood rich moniece

Last night was the season finale of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood. What a ride! The episode begins as Moniece and Rich Dollaz are having a date night, and she applauds him for his civil meeting with Lil’ Fizz. She’s excited with the state of their relationship–Rich has done everything she’s asked of him regardless of how crazy he may consider her requests. Of course, with Moniece we know that that’s saying a lot! Next on her list? Engagement rings and wedding bands! Rich is on board as long as his ring is just as expensive as hers. Meanwhile, after coming out to his ex-girlfriend Amber to appease his current boyfriend Milan, Miles has decided to face his best guy friends with the news that he is gay. After the regular friendly ribbing and a quick game of pool, Miles realizes he should’ve never been nervous to tell his friends of his sexual orientation. They are extremely open to his admission, except for the fact that he didn’t feel comfortable telling them earlier.

Ray J is still whining about losing Princess, and he’s pulling out all the stops in hopes of making her come back to him. Cue a giant red bow and a brand-new house. He is all in as far as a relationship goes, but Ray’s not all in as far as Dabo’s (#allin #BYOG #GoTigers) standards go. Princess knows that Ray can be unpredictable, but she’s hoping he realizes why she needed to slow things down in the first place. She still loves Ray, but she’s not sure she can trust him due to his history of strippers and late nights. This is Ray’s final chance with Princess. Until the next chance, obviously. Princess cites that she is not ready to move into a new house unless Ray can promise her that it will be hers forever. She wants everything in her name. Ray isn’t about to convey his latest property over to Princess, but he lies and tells her that it’s in the works. Princess is excited about this next chapter, but she shouldn’t hold her breath for a quitclaim deed. Neither should Ray J, as we all know that this is just VH1 renting a house for filming purposes and for no other reason.

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RHOA Recap - Moore Haircare Launch

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta a certain former beauty queen known for her luscious locks launched her haircare lineor did she? What did Kenya Moore have in those bottles?! 

Before all the shit-talking and shade-throwing begins, Porsha Williams and Phaedra Parks get some shit-removal from Atlanta’s premiere colonic administrator: The Poop Doctor. EWWWWW…

Phaedra muses that several of the ladies need a colonic because they’re so full of shit their skin is several shades darker. Ahem, KENYA

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sister wives tell all

Last night, Tamron Hall tackled a two hour Sister Wives special. She’s a braver woman than I am! The Browns revisit the season, from Meri divorcing Kody so he can marry Robyn and adopt her children. Robyn and Kody share their opposing views about whether they should have celebrated their marriage license with more pomp and circumstance, and Tamron calls out Kody for caring about the family’s critics. Tamron asks if Kody legally marrying Robyn legitimizes her as more of a wife. Janelle argues that Meri was legitimized legally and defends Robyn against her detractors who think she’s put a diabolical plan into action. Robyn has a difficult time watching herself breakdown over whether her ex-husband would terminate his parental rights. Kody sheds tears of happiness watching the adoption footage, and Tamron questions if Meri felt detached throughout the adoption process. She admits that she was disengaged throughout filming, but her attitude had nothing to do with her family. 

Robyn’s pregnancy announcement is highlighted, and she and Meri joke about their plan to have Meri relay the news. Janelle admits she was in shock…she expected Meri to say she wasn’t going back to school or had cancer. No middle ground for Janelle! Robyn beams about how exciting her pregnancy is through the eyes of the other children. Tamron opines that Kody is already stretched thin with so many kids, but Christine interjects, stating that when it comes to Kody’s time, it’s quality not quantity. Kody reminds Tamron he doesn’t golf, so he’s got plenty of time to spend with his brood. Sure. Christine’s meds are working overtime as she gushes about their couples retreat, complete with two counselors and “stupid rock building.” I love this Christine. She laughs throughout the footage, but I get the feeling she’s about to burst into tears.

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Nikki-Elise-Shopping-90-Day-Fiance

This week’s 90-Day Fiance should be titled: I’m Marrying a Weird Guy. Which is, verbatim, what 19-year old Nikki says when asked about her 58-year old fiance Mark. Should we just end the recap there? It says it all, really. Nah. Let’s go ahead and hop on this crazy train and see where it heads! 

Feeling alone and adrift, Nikki needs to get out of Mark’s 1980s shrine to his first wife house, so she calls the only other person she knows in the US: Mark’s 21-year old daughter, Elise. Being a good sport is what Elise does best, apparently, because she agrees to go shopping with Nikki for some girl time, and some girl talk. They are, after all, the same age. And they both think Dad is possibly a few fruit loops short of a full bowl. After the gals giggle over a tragic macrame dress in a local shop that could pass for beach wedding dress, a clerk asks Nikki if she plans on a beach wedding? Stumped, Nikki plays possum while Elise jumps in: “They’re not quite sure…yet.” The innocent clerk asks Nikki if she’s marrying her best friend? Nikki’s facial expression is like, please b*tch. Followed by the most honest answer we’ve heard from any of these couples yet. “I’m marrying a weird guy,” she deadpans. Three cheers for Nikki! 

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