“Yeah, never thought I’d be on a boat. It’s a big blue watery road. Poseidon, look at me! Never thought I’d see the day, with a big boat comin’ my way…believe me when I say I f*&$ed a mermaid!” Well, not quite. Right, Emile? I hate to use Lonely Island’s song two weeks in a row (False. I LOVE everything about it), but given the theme of last night’s Below Deck, it was definitely fitting. Plus, who doesn’t love T-Pain?
The episode begins with Don Abenante douchily (new word?) peacing out on Captain Lee Rosbach and bosun Eddie Lucas. As he leaves the bridge, he summons Kate Chastain on to the deck as Eddie reveals the news to Amy Johnson. Don gripes to Kate about feeling under-appreciated and being called out for something as stupid as a quick ocean dip, and she supports his decision to leave if it’s not for him. Dean is napping while his guests lounge in the hot tub as the the tale of Don’s demise travels through the crew. Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow is shocked, Connie Arias is thrilled, and Emile Kotze can’t imagine being a quitter. With Don back on solid ground, Rocky has once again set her sights on young Emile. Sure he’s immature, but that’s how she likes him. Chatting with Amy, Rocky determines that maybe Eddie would be a good conquest as well. Amy reminds her of Eddie’s long-time girlfriend, but Rocky doesn’t care.
Confusing times on Real Housewives Of Orange County!Brooks makes me suspicious, yet Meghan Edmonds makes me equally suspicious. Whose motive is weirder?! I love a mystery – Veronica Mars is my favorite show, but Meghan makes amateur private investigators everywhere look psycho.
Brooks Ayers is a professional liar, smooth as snake oil and slathering it on Vicki Gunvalson as the serum of youth. Meghan is a two-bit phony, but she has two luxuries: Time and Vendetta (and internet access). This will not end well.
Things begin with Meghan meeting Heather Dubrow and Shannon for dinner. Everyone gets along now because Shannon saw the light that Meghan is always right (AKA, get along well enough to talk ish about Vicki).
We might be a bit late, but RT is now officially here to recap season two of Ladies of London! Considering this season was filmed nearly a year ago, it seems we’re not the only ones running late (what’s up with that, Bravo?). Nevertheless, the ladies are back, minus Caprice Bourret and Noelle Reno. But fresh faces (and royal titles!) appear in the form of Baroness Caroline Fleming, long time friend of Caroline Stanbury, and former “friend” of the cast, Viscountess Julie Montagu.
The addition of fancy titles does not seem to offer fancier storylines, however, as this season began with the unbelievably pedestrian argument about where to eat a turkey. Last week saw tensions reach a boiling point between fellow Americans Juliet Angus and Marissa Hermer, with Caroline S stuck (or should we say, sticking herself?) in the middle, over what an American Thanksgiving should mean, where it should be held, who should attend, and how to attach one’s birthday to the holiday for a little extra helping of holiday guilt! As a fellow Sagittarius whose own birthday falls squarely on Thanksgiving day this year – and does so every four years – I have come to the understanding that the only expectation a birthday girl over the age of 10 can hope for on Turkey Day is a tossed off “Want some pie with a candle in it?” And by now, Juliet should have learned the same. Alas, reality TV is not for learning, but for manipulating and backstabbing! So, let’s jump in right where we left off…
If last week’s premiere of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood was any indication, this season could prove to be as entertaining as its Atlanta counterpart! Sure, Ray J is no Stevie J, but Princess can fight with the best of them, Omarion is endearing, Soulja Boy is sure to be as ridiculously juvenile as last year, and can we just talk about the fact that Moniece is responsible for a Rich Dollaz crossover? Let’s not forget Miles and Milan’s love that Miles doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with friends and family…only with hundreds of thousands of VH1 viewers! Keep up the momentum, folks!
Last night’s episode begins with a swagalicious Soulja who is in a good place with on-and-off girlfriend Nia. Like every other woman on this show, she’s quick to complain about her beau’s infidelities, but even quicker to forgive. Lil’ Fizz is working hard on a mix tape, and he’s excited to catch up with Soulja. Fizz brags about embracing the single life, and Soulja can relate (sorry, Nia). Nis is his ride-or-die chick, but when he’s on the road, he’s on the road. Soulja claims Nia is fully aware of his road chicks (is she?), and she knows she’s the only girl in his heart. Speaking of players (of the reformed variety), Rich is head over heels for Moniece. While their relationship is fairly new, both are hoping for home run. For Rich, that means, he’s planned a sexy date. For Moniece, that means she wants Rich to move to the West Coast and meet her son and spend time with her family and reverse his vasectomy (or did she say get a vasectomy? Either way…whoa). Sexy talk! After dropping those bombs, Moniece turns on the charm to get their romantic dinner back on track.
Caroline Manzo is hosting Lauren’s shower at Casa de Smothers because no Manzo ever, like ever, leaves that house. Seriously it is the black hole of adulthood. Their family motto is probably “We Fail To Launch Here!”
Eversince Lauren first got a salami-scented whiff of Vito wafting from across Albie’s dorm room, Caroline has been buying vintage tea cups on Etsy. For whatever reason they’re hot glue gunning tea cups to saucers and hanging them from chandeliers and floating them across the pool in parasols to create a tea party theme. 110 people are attending. Dina Manzo was invited, but is in California. Sadly, the grinning face of Greggy Bennett will not be appearing. Or so we’re led to believe…
Last night’s Don’t Be Tardy was a plethora of lessons on family, vocabulary, and just how insane Tracey the chef may actually be. Kim Zolciak-Biermann doesn’t want her children to ever leave home. She’s distraught at Ariana’s plotting to fly the coop as soon as possible–who will watch KJ, Kash, and the twins? Kroy spends the episode basking in Tracey’s praise and chugging the champagne of beers. It’s like Norman Rockwell threw up all over this family. 🙂
Ariana is a built-in baby-sitter for her younger siblings, while Kim, Kroy and Tracey joke around in the kitchen. Ariana gripes that sister Brielle uses the youngest kids for nothing but selfie props. Tracey is in love with Kroy in a heterosexualhomophobic just like you love your favorite neighbor way. She thinks he’s just the best guy, and she wishes her girlfriend of ten years could be more like him. Kim questions Tracey about her relationship with Brooklyn, and Tracey admits they argues a lot. Brooklyn isn’t passive and go-with-the-flow like the perfect Kroy, and Tracey spends too much time playing games on her phone to make an effort. It’s not Tracey’s fault she was couldn’t pay attention at the euthanasia party for Brooklyn’s cat…she was crushing candy!
Someone’s gotten a bit of a haircut! Sister Wives returned last night with a vengeance. Kody Brown excites with his fresh trim–it’s so subtle that only one as obsessed with his mane as I am might notice the glorious new style, but it’s fresh.
Leading up to the new season, the participation of Merihas been questioned, but I think last night’s premiere solidifies that she’s pretty much here to stay…although we didn’t see much of Christine. Janelle looks amazing, but I am waiting for her exodus. Go girl. As for Robyn? She’s already relishing her role as Kody’s real wife, although it’s purely on paper. That said, I made my friend Trey watch with me, and asked his thoughts after the episode ended. “Girl, if we had to take a shot every time that guy with bad hair and the denim suit said ‘paperwork,’ we’d both be dead.” And he’d be right.
On last night’s Little Women: LA, the ladies’ friendships with Briana Manson came to a head over her relationship with Matt. Elena Gant and Preston share some “big” news. And Tonya Banks recruits the ladies for spots in her new workout video for little people.
Elena is brushing up on her US history in order to pass her immigration test, since being married to Preston these past four years only guarantees her a green card and endless access to his dwindling bank account. Preston agrees to help quiz Elena on her facts if she strips every time she gets an answer wrong. Elena agrees to the game, first piling on a parka or two. Since she thinks the governor of her state is Justin Bieber and one important thing Abraham Lincoln did was “feed the slaves,” she’s going to be butt naked in a few short minutes, I presume. #SlyFoxPreston It is sweet to see some true bonding between Elena and Preston, but before we take in too much of a tender moment, Preston suggests the reality TV Marriage Kiss of Death: a vow renewal! Oh no. Elena wants her family to be there since they weren’t able to be at their first wedding.