Last night's Couples Therapy went like – Ghostface Killah went to the booty market, Kelsey Nykole stayed at home. Taylor Armstrong had fillers and vodka, Farrah Abraham had fillers and rum. And Jon Gosselin went boo hoo hoo all the way home. Only, the end is only wishful thinking on my part. Jon boohooed but never went home. Because, paycheck. The dude needs money to pay child support buy hair gel and smokes.
From last week, Kelsey just stormed out of a therapy session she was sharing with Ghost and Latrice. So Taylor sniffs out the drama and follows Kelsey because the delusional fruitcake seems to think she's one of the therapists. Dr. Jenn Berman, who isn't much better than Taylor, appears and reminds Kelsey that she doesn't need crumbs of Ghost's love. Kelsey says she's done with him but wants to apologize to Latrice.
Kelsey doesn't have any reason to apologize, in my opinion, but she has more class and empathy in one of her hair folds than Ghost has in his entire body. She tells Latrice that she wouldn't have let Ghost into her world had she known she was his side piece, adding, "Not sure what Ghost has told you, but we was developing something." A devastated Latrice wonders if she will be able to trust Ghost after this. Huh? Really, girl?
Last night's Mob Wives was a big ol' Twitter hating, lingerie wearing, baby building, screaming mess. Can you guess who was doing the most?
It begins with Renee Graziano heads to Drita D'avanzo's house for dinner with Natalie Guercio and Alicia deMichele Garofalo. Drita is prepared to play the role of mediator. She isn't going to let anyone get physical in the house she just redecorated. The meal starts out as an awkward, tense blind date. Even Big Ang is quiet, which is unheard of for her. Renee calls out Alicia for not eating, and Alicia takes the opportunity to say she wants to calmly rehash their issues. Alicia confronts Renee about spreading rumors about her that are jeopardizing her case. Renee admits that she is guilty of gossiping, but she'd never be a rat. Alicia accepts what Renee has to say, and she doesn't believe she's leaked any information to the press. Renee believes that Alicia has a giant problem with her best friend Carla, and the women's discussion gets heated.
On the season finale of Shahs of Sunset, we celebrate Reza Farahan's 40th birthday and engagement to his boyfriend,Adam Neely. In other words, his save face tour has come to an end. Blech. Please forgive me for not feeling all warm and fuzzy toward King Reza.
Before the birthday bash in Palm Springs, Reza and Mike Shouhed hit up the gym. Reza wants to lower his "chunk factor" before he turns 40. Um, yeah. Get back to me when he works on his "racist" and "misogynist" factors. So, Mike and Reza talk business after their workout, which doesn't get intense enough to keep Reza from wearing gold jewelry or chomping on gum like a cow. Reza insists Mike didn't want to pay his dues as a new agent. Mike feels Reza never made an effort to mentor him. Back and forth we go. Again.
In the end, Mike declares he doesn't have the patience for a honest day's work residential real estate, so he's going back to commercial. Reza babbles on about them raising babies together despite their divorce, blah, he's not as witty as he thinks he is, blah, and then they hug it out.
Last night the ladies of Teen Mom 2 forged ahead – some in a positive direction, some in a delusional direction, and some were just Jenelle Evans who will go in any direction that seems the stupidest at any given time.
Leah Calvert is still reeling from Ali's diagnosis. The girls are at Corey's for the weekend and she is home alone with Adalynn while Jeremy is working in PA for a month. Three little kids. Alone. A month. I would develop a drinking problem. And yes, I have two little kids.
Leah's mom comes over to check in and they discuss Ali's future. Leah is positive they'll have to move because their house has too many stairs to accommodate Ali's wheelchair. Leah's mom's heart is broken over the situation. I love this family. I love them so much I forget Leah has a purple muppet wig on her head dangling into her frosted silver eyes. Later Leah tells Jeremy she's found a farm, but it's in a different county, 40 minutes away, but Ali will benefit from equine and water therapy so they want to have a space where she can have a pony.
I can't with Abby Lee Miller. I just can't anymore. She's not really this horrible, is she? On last night's episode of Dance Moms, she was sabotaging her girls left and right. In Pittsburgh, Abby is still unhappy over a less than stellar showing at the last competition. She can't even enjoy that the group number was the highest scoring routine of the event. Jill reminds Abby that bringing Chloe 2.0 took time away from Abby's actual team. Abby spent far too much time bringing Chloe 2.0 up to speed. Abby agrees…bringing on one new dancer to replace one member of the ALDC wasn't the best idea. She plans to form an entirely new team to beat her current girls. Only Maddie may get to be a part of this elite squad known as the special victims unit.
During the pyramid, the original Chloe is on the bottom for her fourth place solo, followed by Kendall and then Nia for not winning their duet. Jill and Holly couldn't care less. They know their daughters did far better than anyone could have with such little instruction. MacKenzie rounds out the bottom for not having enough stage presence in the group dance. Brooke is last on the second rung for not pushing herself. Her sister Paige is second on the pyramid with Maddie on top. For this week's New York City competition, both of Kelly's daughters get solos, and Paige also gets a placed in a duet with Chloe. Abby hopes that Kelly will look at this as an opportunity for Paige to shine instead of complaining her daughter is under too much pressure to learn multiple dances. Abby then invites Kelly, Christi, and their daughters to accompany her to the open casting call in NYC. When questioned about the remaining team members, Abby reveals that there is another competition in town in which Nia, Kendall, MacKenzie and Maddie will be performing.
Last night's Vanderpump Rules reunion only "surved" to prove that Kristen Doute is totally, certifiable, crazypants! Like, absolutely so! I believe Ariana Madix described it as "borderline personality disorder," and while Ariana is by no means a doctor (oh God no!) working at SUR she's certainly come into contact with her fair share of insanity.
So, Tom 1 is still not over the total sham that was his five-year flirtation with the devil because one never gets over something like that – luckily Ariana is helping him cope, Kristen needs help, Stassi Schroeder quit SUR without notice and likely quit the show, Jax Taylor admits to hooking up with married women and pretends he's over Stassi. Katie Maloney was predictable basically not there except to be Stassi's Anonymous Sycophant No 1, Peter Madrigal was unfortunately not there (WAAAH!), and Scheana Marie has turned into a Kardashian. Lisa Vanderpump was annoyed with all of them.
K – see you next season!
Kidding, Kidding… I've got to recap this joint! Andy Cohen was also present and he was so giddy he needed an adult diaper because he was peeing himself with glee. It was… disturbing.
Many, many seasons ago Splits Richardswas the queen's lady-in-waiting, but she aspired to be the queen. She teamed up with an evil stepsister named Adrienne and was exposed for talking ish about the queen and conspiring to tear her down. She even compared the queen's ruling to a mad, mad game of chess!
The queen was hurt so she built a beautiful fortress high in the hills surrounded by roses, which are very beautiful and fragrant but guard their beauty with thorns. Meanwhile the lady-in-waiting wilted and wilted until all the was left was a sad mass of yesteryear's hair. She desperately wanted a place in the sun again and begged the queen for forgiveness. The queen reminded her that she had looked into her crystal ball – Swarvoski crystal, hand-cut and cast, mind you – and realized that the friendship had never been true because once people show themselves to you, the giggy is up.
So last night was the Love & Hip Hop reunion part duh deux. Let's hope that Mo'Nique can salvage what was a boring first half. Right off the bat, Mo'Nique warns everyone to keep their seats. She resumes her conversation with Peter Gunz, Tara Wallace, and Amina Buddafly. Mo'Nique questions whether Amina is worried she'll be Tara in ten years. Amina reveals that after a year of marriage, Amina already feels like Tara as Peter is up to his old tricks. We are treated to a highlight reel of the love triangle. I hope that Tara is as grossed out by her language regarding sexing up Peter as I am. Amina reveals that she will never allow herself to become Tara, Peter made her look like a fool, and Amina isn't going to put up with his shenanigans. The women are actually making some mature points, which is a plus. Erica Mena gives Amina a round of applause.
Peter admits that if he'd known Tara had such strong feelings for him, he probably wouldn't have married Amina. He announces that he's too old to be acting like this, and he believes that both women deserve better. Peter needs to work on becoming a better person. Amina interrupts to remind the audience that she loves pulling surprises out of her bra (Mrs. Pansky's drivers' license anyone?) before throwing a positive pregnancy test at Peter. Yup, Urine. She says that unlike Tara, she didn't take the Plan B. Erica is beside herself. "Shiz just got real, y'all!" she yells as Peter storms off the stage. Erica goes to comfort Amina, while Tahiry Jose follows Peter, urging him to publicly apologize to Tara for humiliating her on national television.