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rhonj-hire-wire

Ok… here we go again! It's another fashionably-challenged delusionaly-inspired hour of Real Housewives of New Jersey

Things begin with yet another fight about Melissa Gorga allegedly cheating on Joe Gorga. I was rolling my eyes and guzzling my wine with my Milania Hair Care Hairmuffs on so I really don't know what that man was yammering on about. I was all prepared to throw my wine glass at the TV in my own Incredible Hulk Man-angsty moment when Bravo flashed us back 12 hours earlier. 

And I really wish I had been prepared with my blinders on! We are greeted by Poison grinding his junk in Melissa's face. 'Happy Birthday baby – just call me Justin Timberlake cause I got you some d*ck in a box!' Melissa is like 'Where? I don't see it… Oh. Yeah that little guy. Awwww… thanks… Hi TUHREEEZA!" If I got Poison's junk in my face for a birthday gift I would cancel birthdays for the rest of my life. And Melissa had never been so happy to see her sister-in-law.

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Everyone is finally moved into the cul-de-sac compound on Sister Wives, and the kids are ecstatic to be so close to their siblings.  Kody thinks that Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn will have the biggest adjustment with boundaries.

Robyn has a grand plan to ceremoniously burn the duffel bag that Kody used to tote from house-to-house.  Janelle never really minded what the bag represented, and Kody laughs.  To Janelle, the bag is a symbol of her independence and served as a reminder that he'd be leaving soon.  Sounds about right!

With Mother's Day on the horizon, Kody is meeting with this jewelry manufacturers to design individually pieces for each of his wives.  He's hoping that none of the wives will get jealous.  After seeing what Kody has designed, I doubt he'll have to worry.  Robyn's piece is a phoenix rising from the ashes, Meri gets a loyal dog crown and heart, Christine's piece will be a mischievous fairy, while poor Janelle gets a tree.  Will these be available on the web site?

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It's been a whole week since I got to spend quality time with Phil, Willie, Jase, Uncle Si, and the rest of the Robertson crew.  Sure, I've had my reruns, but I so look forward to Wednesday nights now thanks to Duck Dynasty.  Last night was no different.  Whether the warehouse boys were convincing Si to pay out his last dollar over a gentlemen's bet or Jase wearing out his welcome at Willie's house, the episode went by too quickly.  Sidebar, I love how Jep is always referred to as "Willie's Other Brother."  

Jase and Missy are renovating their kitchen, so Jase and the kids will be bunking with Willie and Korie.  Thankfully, Missy is out of town, so she'll have to miss whatever debacle will surely ensue this weekend.  Meanwhile, after a heated race between two toy woodpeckers, Godwin, Martin, Jep, and Si are betting on who can knock down red solo cup pyramids, and Si is doing his best to hustle the warehouse crew.  Jep can't believe that Si and his father are related…after all, Phil was almost a quarterback in the NFL, and Si couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.  

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Maybe Lifetime has no intention of ever ending this season of Dance Moms.  Since Abby Lee Miller despises the moms so much, you'd think she'd want to put a cap on the number of episodes I have to watch, er, um, I mean, in which she has to participate! 

The ALDC is back in Pennsylvania, and Abby is proud of her dancers' showing in Vegas.  MacKenzie finds herself at the bottom of the pyramid for being absent, followed by Paige for forgetting her solo.  Abby does, however, compliment her performance in the group number.  Brooke is one step above her sister, although Abby doesn't think that her solo showcased Brooke's true talent.  Nia rounds out the bottom for excelling in rehearsals but flubbing up in competition.  When Nia blames her hat for her dancing woes, Abby tells the story of a man whose hand was severed during a show, but the dancers around him didn't miss a beat.  Same thing.

Kendall is last on the second tier, and she admits her nerves got the best of her.  Abby advises her to exude confidence regardless so she's the one intimidating others, and she reminds Kendall not to watch the soloists before her.  Chloe is in third for flying under the radar, followed by Maddie for shining in the group number.  The undefeatable Asia is in the top spot.  The girls will be traveling to Regionals in Buffalo, and their group number will be hoedown themed.  MacKenzie will have a solo, and Abby makes sure to get in a few digs about how she's still in Asia's shadow.

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Teen Mom is back, y'all, and it's just as depressing as ever. 

Last week on Teen Mom 3 – aka Teen Baby Daddy DramaMackenzie Douthit failed to notice Josh McKee's obvious lack of interest, and Alex Sekella screamed at Matt McCann incessantly.

Also, Katie Yeager accepted Joey Maes's marriage proposal, and Briana DeJesus took legal action against Devoin Austin for cyber bullying.

Oh, and if you turned your TV at just the right angle and closed one eye, you saw the Teen Moms caring for their precious babies almost as passionately as they begged their boyfriends to love them. This week: rinse and repeat. 

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So, third time's the charm for Tamra Barney?  I guess she'll be the judge…literally!  Last night was the first installment of Tamra's OC Wedding limited series, and Eddie better hope his recent legal woes don't break the bank…because Tamra's wedding is definitely going to leave a mark on his account!  Three dresses, a wild bachelor party, and drama galore later, we know that Tami and Ed do make it down the aisle.

It's been Tamra's dream to get married at the St. Regis, and a cancellation is about to make that happen.  Tamra has enlisted celebrity wedding planner Diane Valentine. She did Usher's wedding, y'all!  As they tour the venue with Diane and her man of honor, Tamra is beyond ready for her big day.

Back at the couple's gym, Eddie is channeling his inner Shaun T.  Tamra reveals that they have an opening at the St. Regis…in five weeks.  Eddie can't understand why they need a giant production after they've both already been married.  Tamra whines that she's never had a big wedding, and she deserves it!  After all, she's already practiced twice.

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When we last left the ladies of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman had enlisted Suzie Ketcham to do her bidding in breaking down new girl Tasha Marbury while she sipped on her lukewarm Bud Lite and hoped for crazy drama  As last night's episode began, Evelyn Lozada and Shaunie O'Neal avert their eyes as Suzie questions Tasha about her husband's rumored affair.  Instead of getting defensive or starting to scream and throw things, Tasha calmly says that yes, it did happen, and she's not going to lie about it.  She stays classy and keeps her cool.  Remind me again why she's on this show?

Tami then has the nerve to tell Tasha that she can't believe how rude Suzie was to ask the question.  Tasha knows that it comes with the lifestyle, and Tami is shocked to learn that Tasha and Stephon did pay off the mistress.  Evelyn is just happy that her friend was able to keep the energy from going to that negative place the ladies are so used to going.

The following day, Evelyn and Suzie are cruising the Hudson and discussing the dinner's events.  Suzie admits that she felt badly for rehashing Tasha's marital issues, and she wants to clear the air with the new girl in hopes of forging a new friendship.  In Central Park, Tami and Shaunie are also discussing the evening.  Tami learned from Tasha that Shaunie and Evelyn told her that things could go really badly with Tami at their initial meeting.  Tami confronts her friend about painting her in a negative light. While Shaunie understands where Tami is coming from, she still stands by her statement.  After all, the women got along didn't they?

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rhom-reacap

Three things you need to know about the Real Housewives of Miami:

1) They do not know the definition of the word "hypocrite" (I think this is a trait that expands across all Housewives domains). 

2) They don't understand "good manners" (Minding your Ps & Qs is not a Housewives forte).

3) They are baaaad actresses! 

With that being said, let's dive into this nonsense and rip apart the episode. It all begins with Joanna Krupa dry humping Romain Zago in front of their braaaand neeeeew rented swimming pool! 

Romain is on a mission to surprise Joanna left and right on Bravo's dime for a storyline. I mean Joanna needs to serve some purpose on this show besides looking amazing and hating Adriana de Moura, right?! First Romain surprised her with a car and now a new house he rented for them to live in as husband and wife.

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