Recaps

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

Welcome to a recap of Brandi Glanville‘s brief and storied history on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Emerging from the shadows of the underdog to the unlikely fan-favorite she quickly collapsed into one of the most reviled Housewives in history. 

Boozdi-Brandi’s time on RHOBH spans incredible highs and incredible lows, but is dominated by her willingness to do anything in the name of drama. Brandi recently accused Bravo of encouraging her to be controversial to save the show from doldrums, but I’d say ratings disagree with that tactic. 

Below, we recap Brandi’s sordid tale from the Housewife who probably never should have been, to the Housewife who wasn’t. 

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Jeff-Lewis-Jenni-Pulos-Couch-Flipping-Out-001

On last night’s bittersweet Flipping Out, it’s all about the circle of life. While Jeff Lewis and Gage Edward get serious about taking steps toward having a child via surrogacy, they get some devastating news about Jeff’s beloved 14-year old cat, Stewie.  

At Gramercy, Jeff, Jenni Pulos, and Gage are getting the day started with (what else?) checklists of appointments. Their first appointment of the day is with the Egg Hunter, LA’s resident surrogacy coordinator who helps future parents “hunt” for the right woman as an egg donor. It’s like online dating, but for Jeff, it’s more like Grindr. Because he’s more worried about Who’s Hot and Who’s Not rather than who gets 4.0s in college, pays taxes, and votes. Gage is just worried that if they’re not discerning, the worst case scenario would be “to have a little Joe.” Since Jeff is a “little older” (cough, cough) than Gage, he’s going to be the sperm donor for Baby #1, while Gage will cough up the goods for Baby #2. “You gotta understand, I am not a young person,” says Jeff. “When you’re dropping the kid off at college, you’ll be dropping me off at the Home.” 

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Luann is cool, why aren't you?

The waves came crashing down on Real Housewives Of New York. There were so many rules of engagement and disengagement, I’m not sure who broke what and if they used an icepick or a d-ck. Between Class With The Countess, How-Tos With Heather, and Bossing By Bethenny there was just a whole lotta lecturing going on. Ladies – just stop being so uncool and let Ramona Singer get her groove on. 

Things resume at the F-U dinner, but the only thing they’re feasting on is each other and still fighting about whether or not an F-bomb is an acceptable way to pepper a conversation. Dorinda Medley starts sobbing. Heather Thomson rushes her to console her in the bathroom, but here comes Ramona, all gold lamé and I want it my way, wedging herself between Heather and Dorinda. Dorinda is RAMONA’s FRIEND – Hands OFF!

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Cori-Goldfarb-Gail-Greenberg-Secrets-and-Wives-001

On last night’s Secrets and Wives the aftermath of Susan Doneson’s pet pig husband Jonathan’s despicable behavior is on everyone’s minds. When Gail Greenberg shows up at Cori Goldfarb’s spa to get a peel, Cori tells Gail about the thumb-up-the-arse move that Jonathan pulled on Liza Sandler at the Doneson’s son’s 5th birthday party. Gail is grossed out, as is everyone else who watched Jonathan’s drunken antics that day. 

Meanwhile, Susan is meeting Andi Black for some shopping and defensive maneuvering. When asked about Jonathan’s thumb move, Susan laughs it off. “Jonathan is really comfortable with himself,” says Susan. Andi understands that Jonathan has some good qualities, but she doesn’t know whether to love or hate him at the moment. Well, I’ve got a suggestion: just go ahead and hate the misogynist S.O.B! He already hates all of womankind, so it’s allllllll good, ladies.  

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dance moms abby

I knew it was too much to ask for another Abby Lee Miller bye-week on Dance Moms. It’s like my week is just full of Mondays! It’s deja vu as the episode begins with the moms yet again wondering if the ALDC leader will show her face this week. Kira announces that she’s enlisted Kalani’s hometown dance teacher Alexa to work on a solo for Kira at this week’s competition in Phoenix. Jill wonders if it’s such a good idea to defy the crazy lady to whom they subject their children, but Kira retorts that if Abby has a problem with her decision, perhaps she and her daughter will leave with her original instructor. Kira also shares the rumor that Jeanette has taken over Candy Apples with good ol’ Cathy. I am not sure I’m up for all of this drama (pours wine, shovels Trader Joe’s mac and cheese into mouth for a late dinner/really ate lunch…)! 

Across town, Jeanette reveals that Cathy won’t be joining the Candy Apples in Los Angeles this week, but she’s gotten her blessing to lead the studio to victory. The Candy Apple moms must have gotten a Groupon on Botox. Jeanette cites their group number as an interpretation of people who get a taste of fame and go crazy. The ALDC girls notice that there is no pyramid set up this week, and Abby enters, totally ignoring all of the moms. Holly questions her intentions, and she coldly leads the girls in warm-up and mentions her attendance will be determined on a daily basis. Kira mentions her plans to have Kalani to work with her hometown instructor, and Abby says she’ll think about it…not.

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Tamra Judge becomes a Tam-Ma

Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County life came full-circle as Tamra Judge became a grandma (or a “Tam-ma,” rather) on the very same day Vicki Gunvalson buried her mother. 

Tamra is preparing to go to Northern California with her mom to witness her granddaughter’s birth. Sarah, Ryan’s wife, has a scheduled c-section and Tamra is bummed Ryan will be in the delivery room instead of the TAM-MA. After all WHO has more experience with babies?! #Astro. 

The whole situation is a bit bittersweet, however, because Vicki is leaving for Chicago for her mother’s funeral and Tamra is sad she won’t be able to attend. Tamra deals with her grief by focusing on how she’ll be the hottest grandma in the OC and that her mom Sandra will be the hottest great-grandma. She instructs Sandra to get a full-body health scan and then have some sex for the other type of full-body scan, so she doesn’t die. Only Tamra would combine sex and death and grandmothers in a heart-to-heart. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not… 

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lhhatl eric rasheeda ashley

Well, I certainly didn’t see that coming! Not only did VH1 mess with my head with a Sunday premiere of this week’s Love & Hip Hop Atlanta (that I wasn’t able to watch until it’s regularly scheduled time!), but then they go and give Ashley Nicole a girlfriend, totally throwing Rasheeda for a loop. When we last left the crew, Rasheeda had enlisted Erica Dixon to accompany her to a hotel where she thought she’s catch husband Kirk Frost in the act with his new artist. Once they force their way into the hotel room, Rasheeda is searching closets and looking under beds (newsflash, Kirk’s forehead alone isn’t going to fit in any of those places!) as Ashley loudly protests. Next, Erica assesses the situation, and Rasheeda isn’t a good enough actress to feign shock at Ashley’s bed mate. Raheeda admits that she may have been wrong about Ashley’s sexual preference, but she’s not incorrect about Ashley’s disrespectful behavior. 

It’s been a while since we’ve seen Bambi, but Lil’ Scrappy has been moved by Momma Dee’s romance with Ernest. Bambi has been patient with sporting her own promissory ring. He hands her a tiny box, and Bambi may faint if this is the proposal she’s been hoping for…but alas, Scrappy isn’t ready for that shiznighee called marriagenighzee. He gifts her with a key to his house, but Bambi wants to make sure he gets things squared away with Erica before she calls a moving truck. Erica has been against the couple since day one, and with all the messy child support claims Erica is lodging against Scrappy, Bambi doesn’t want to find herself caught up in the drama. 

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Real Housewives Of Atlanta 100th Episode - NeNe

We can always count on the ladies of Real Housewives Of Atlanta to keep it 100! And to prove it they celebrated their 100th episode by spilling-all to Andy Cohen. “The Atlanta women are funny! We’re honest and real, and we never bite our tongues,” describes Kim Zolciak of the pride that comes with RHOA. 

All of the Housewives – past and present – feel the success of the show and also its magic was that it showcased affluent African-American women. I have to ask, other than Kandi Burruss: Who are these affluent Housewives again? Certainly they’re not referring to SheBySheBroke?! (“A fashion show with no fashions?! How dreadful!”). And then they dish on bad hair (NeNe Leakes is voted the worst), bad fashions (no declarative winner) and worst fight (again, no declarative winner).

I was hoping Sheree and Lisa Wu-Hartwell would be appearing but they didn’t! My favorite part was seeing the ladies’ audition tapes – first of all how freaking different does NeNe look? But how freaking the same is her ego – large and in charge of everything!  

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