Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta the ladies ventured into unseen territory. It was truly a trip to OZ. There were sparkling pageant lights and shimmering runways, food that looked like vaginas and not food, beautiful music, and one Wicked Witch from the West stealing The Good Witch's crown and being sweet as a mid-summer Georgia peach. What was this strange world of successes and peace? Better watch out ladies, a twirl is a'comin and it might just drop a mansion right on your heads. And your little dogs too…
Things begin at The Bailey Agency. Cynthia Bailey is whirling around putting up flyers about the Miss Renaissance pageant. It's happening like now! And who should waltz through the door but a giant bottle of ketchup and mustard! Oh no, just Kenya Moore being sweet and kind and wearing a strange combination of red and yellow (or my TV is colorblind). I guess it was summery…
Kenya has her little dog with her and also a little model who has big dreams of Vogue covers and barely covers her butt crack in skintight zebra pants and a crop top. Kenya is mentoring this poor girl. I'm guessing she got the come-to-Jesus lecture about coochie cracks, which is why she wore that…
Immediately following the cupcake drama on Big Rich Atlanta, Ashlee appears to be completely composed, as she straightens her hair in a mirror and demands Kahdijiha Rowe be thrown in jail. However, as soon as the ambulance arrives, Ashlee looks like hell. A distraught Ashlee tells a police officer she's pressing charges and demands a full police investigation.
In response to Kahdijiha's actions, Ashlee says, "Express yourself with your words, not your hands." Does she honestly not realize that words can be just as hurtful as hands? Ashlee is a bully – she uses her words to humiliate and hurt her victims to make herself feel superior and powerful – end of story.
It's another day, another boy dance drama in the world of Dance Moms. On last night's episode, Abby Lee Miller seems to totally lose her cool, but not before she can be a major bee-atch to her sweet dancers. Lifetime is sinking to an all new low!
After their surprise victory, the moms and daughters are back in the studio. Of course, Christi and Chloe are nowhere to be found after storming out after the last competition. The girls are happy to have won, but Abby isn't happy that they only beat the Candy Apples by a tenth of a point. Can't they do better than that? Abby decides to buck convention and start at the top of the pyramid. Kendall's friends almost seem more excited that she does to learn it's her first time in the best spot. Jill is thrilled, and Abby warns her that Christi isn't going to like that Kendall beat national title holder Chloe. Oh, give it a rest. The middle tier is comprised of Maddie and Nia. According to Abby, they were good, but not great. The bottom rung is Paige, MacKenzie, and a suspended Chloe. Kelly is happy to learn that due to Chloe's indefinite suspension, Brooke has regained her spot on the team.
Abby warns the group that the Candy Apples will also be at this week's competition in Detroit. Jill can't believe her luck. Her daughter finally gets to be on the top of the pyramid, and now she'll be under added pressure to beat Cathy's crew. Everyone will be participating in the group dance, and Kendall gets a solo. Paige and Nia will perform a duet. Maddie gets the final solo, but Abby tells her not to be too excited because there is really no one else to compete against Cathy's boys. How sweet of her…
Somebody needs to revoke Jax Taylor's Food Handler's card because our pretty male model made a serious faux pas on last night's Vanderpump Rules with ladylove of the minute Laura Leigh!
Everyone's favorite little reincarnated Minnie Mouse whose voice floats and squeaks with aplomb christened SUR with Jax in a little late-night bathroom hooking up. ON THE FLOOR. Of the VIP bathroom. According to the security guard, he walked in and saw Jax and Laura Leigh trousers down, getting busy. He promptly phoned Ken, who promptly called a PR meeting where he informed the flabbergasted Lisa Vanderpump about extracurricular activities in the workplace. Oh dear – what. a. mess. Literally and figuratively.
I have two things to say about this: 1) Does LL seriously want to be thought of as the gross desperate girl who gets busy on a public restroom floor? Even Britney Spears isn't that dirty.
2) Did Lisa seriously let that get featured on television? Image problem is right! And apparently this is a bit of a trend with LL because the next night she and Jax are out to dinner and they slip into the employee bathroom to reenact their magical moment. Where are the police with public indecency citations when we need them?
Well if ever there was a reason to recklessly abandon tea and convert to coffee, last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was it! Does tea just bring out the worst behavior in everyone – or is that wine? Or is it actually just that 3/4 of the people on this show are hideous specimens of humanity?
So Lisa Vanderpump tried to make amends last night. She took all her fancy British etiquette and tried to apply it to unscrupulous famewhores. Logic fail! She began with Splits Richards, whom Lisa had always believed to be a fun person, a friend, but underneath all Kyle's layers of caftans and hair lie a woman possessed. Possessed with the desire to be important and relevant – and most importantly famous. Enter Reality TV.
Then Lisa tried with Adrienne Maloof who was let out of the cryogenic freezer before her face fully thawed to socialize with the ladies. Adrienne's equally unappealing friend (and Kyle's Doppelganger) Faye Resnick was also hauled out for the unappetizing occasion. More on that thoughtless and repulsive decision later.
While the wilderness races in Montana and the polar bear plunges in Canada were a ton of fun, Sean Lowe is looking forward to spending the next week in the beautiful St. Croix. Hopefully, a warmer climate means Tierra LiCausi might make it through one week without catching hypothermia or suffering a similar major medical drama. My luck… Tierra will get attacked by a shark… Sean will give her another pity rose.
Even in paradise Tierra complains within minutes. She isn't happy about the shared sleeping arrangements and rolls a cot into a sitting room, saying, "I'm not about to share some room with girls I don't care for. I'm not friends with girls who like my boyfriends. I think it's just better for me to have my own private space." Later, Lesley quips, "I want to roll away her rollaway into the freaking ocean." Amen.
Now Tierra is whining about how she hasn't had a one-on-one date with Sean even though he's "crazy" about her. News Flash: Sean is crazy about all of the girls! Tierra thinks she should be Sean's highest priority at this point; however, AshLee scores the first date. A bitter Tierra refers to AshLee as a cougar. AshLee is only 32 years old, mind you, and Tierra is obviously an immature 24-year-old bitch.
It's that special time of the season we've been waiting on for what seems like eons…the season finale of Teen Mom 2. Last night, the girls and their children/parents/boyfriends/users sat down for a two hour chit chat with MTV's resident "therapist" Dr. Drew Pinsky. Wait…what's that you say? It wasn't the season finale? Mid-season finale? What the–? I have never heard of such a thing. You know what this means, right?
Of course, leave it to MTV to make sure the true finale will be total chaos. Next week the insanity of broken relationships, drug abuse, and violence spirals out of control when we are treated to the midseason premiere. I can't keep up, so let's just focus on last night's drama, shall we? Take it away, Dr. Drew!
After a Super Bowl hiatus, last night's Mob Wives was one for the history books. The only fighting that occurred happened between some drunken old men at Big Ang's bar, although Renee Graziano wasn't making and friends in her therapy sessions. Carla Facciolo takes Joe's divorce news in a much more civil manner than one would have expected, Karen Gravano gets into the music biz, and Love Majewski has a cameo. The biggest news? Drita D'Avanzo and Ramona Rizzo call a truce for the sake of their daughters. No lady brawls? That has to be a first!
Ramona is planning a special joint birthday for two of her daughters who were born a year and four days apart. She's meeting Ang and Karen for a shopping spree, and she's filling them in on the details of the bash. Her only issue is that one of her girls wants to invite her nemesis Drita's daughter. I'm glad that the girls can get along even if their mothers can't. Ramona wants to get her friends' advice, but she plans on inviting Drita to attend the party as well. Ang can't believe how mature Ramona is being, but Karen thinks she's just asking for trouble.
Renee is still in rehab, and I'm curious as to why all of these people agreed to have their group sessions filmed for the sake of Renee. She commandeers the therapy session talking about her anger issues and her inability to forgive. When another member starts talking about how high school her mentality is, Renee starts going off on the woman for talking behind her back earlier. At one point during her interview, she yells, "Doesn't this woman know who I am?" Yeah. I'd say this is going to be a really long road to self awareness. The therapist calls Renee's behavior irrational, but a smug Renee doesn't want to hear it.