It seems like we blinked, and just like that, the finale of the Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa ChecksIn is here. We laughed, we cried. In a brief moral crisis, we wondered why we were laughing and crying (maybe that was just me?). But it all comes to a close now, as Teresa Giudice checks in for the last time on national TV before she is released in December from Danbury Correctional Facility.
Since Teresa has been locked up, Joe Guidice has been running the household. Which means he has been spending 100% of his time trying to control Tropical Storm Milania. After fixing a clogged sink for cutie-patootie Audriana, Joe heads outside where Milania is feeding rocks to the pond fish (because she spilled all of their food on the ground). Gabriellais attempting to discipline Milania, but she gives up quickly, knowing it’s a futile battle. Joe Gorga comments that he has to hand it to Juicy for taking care of these 4 little girls because “they’re not just normal girls; they’re tough!”
So, I’m going to go out on a limb here…Kim Zolciak Biermann wants oldest daughter Brielle to excel in Hollywood (attain her goals with no work, if you will), so she’s decided to make this season of Don’t Be Tardy Brielle’s swan song. Why else would the eighteen-year-old carrot expert and her beau Slade be featured so often? Three seasons from now, it’s going to be all about cursing KJ. The writing is already on the wall people!
Last night’s episode followed Kim and family as they spent the weekend at Slade’s folks’ lake house on Lake Keowee (my stomping ground when I’m home in the Upstate–and my friends with lake houses invite me for an always fun weekend on the water!). Before heading to South Carolina, Kim, who is clearly NOT sporting a new nose…not at all, Brielle and Slade meet with Kim and Kroy to discuss their plans for co-habitating in California. She can’t even make her point before Kroy is dying laughing and Kim saying she won’t fund Brielle giving away her milk for free. Maybe Slade can join her when he pops the question. Silly Kim, Brielle doesn’t drink milk! When she realizes her mother is making a sexual reference, Brielle is grossed out that Slade would want breast milk. Even worse than that statement? Kroy trying to figure out the “why buy the cow” analogy with the help of a producer.
We made it, people! It’s the season 3 finale of Little Women: LA, and all roads lead to Hawaii, where Elena Gantand Preston are poised to renew their vows in front of family and friends. We’ve got an hour and a half episode ahead, so let’s get to it. We pick up right where we left off last week: in the mud. Christy McGinity and Briana Manson are facing off about Briana’s secret marriage to Matt. Terra Jole jumps in, followed by Tonya Banks, both calling Briana out on her dishonesty. Since Briana lied to them for so long, they all feel like their friendship with her has imploded. Plus, obvi, they still have issues with Matt. “He cheated on you and you’re okay with that!” Terra yells at Briana. “She must look at that picture a lot,” Matt snarks to Briana as Terra goes on and on. Terra thinks Briana is clearly being taken advantage of.
Matt goes sideways with his next comment, writing off the ladies’ rant as, “Three b*tches, talking sh*t.” Shots fired, yo! Shots fired! Upon hearing these words, Tonya immediately snaps back into fighting mode, but asks Jaa if he’s going to defend her before she jumps into the fray. No, Jaa is not. Terra stands her ground, telling Matt he can call her a b*tch all day, but he’s the real a$$hole. “Shut up, Matt! You’re so f**king annoying!” screams Christy. Matt reacts by mimicking her back, just like any evolved 12-year old grown man would.
“And if I had a boat, I’d go out on the ocean; And if I had a pony I’d ride him on my boat; And we could all together go out on the ocean, me upon my pony on my boat…And if I were like lightning, I wouldn’t need no sneakers, I’d come and go wherever I would please; And I’d scare ’em by the shade tree; And I’d scare ’em by the light pole; But I would not”…set fire to the mircowave in the Eros galley. We know you wouldn’t, Lyle. We know you wouldn’t. You’re all welcome for my all-time favorite song that references a boat!
As last night’s Below Deck begins, poor Amy Johnson decides to try on the last guest’s deserted hairpiece until she remembers it was sharing underwear space with Connie Arias’ Britney. Yikes. Speaking of hair, Eddie Lucas flirtatiously comments on Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow’s straightened locks, as Captain Lee Rosbach listens on in horror. What has kind of web of crazy has his innocent, hard-working bosun found himself trapped? Captain Lee expected better of you, Eddie. Frankly, so did I. Rocky brags about her Eddie hook-up to the ceiling, and the ceiling makes a crack about her being a loose cannon….the remark goes right over Rocky’s head. (I’m so sorry, yet so proud, of that sentence.)
As far as Real Housewives Of Orange County reunions go this one was very calculated. I’m not saying it wasn’t deserved – BECAUSE IN MANY WAYS IT SO WAS – but it was abundantly clear the ladies conspired to ‘stick together’ and focus all the animosity on Vicki Gunvalson. The ladies definitely leveraged their ‘fake friendship kumbaya’ routine to take-on Vicki as a unified group.
And why do I have an inkling that all these new-found best friendships of the RHOC, centered around ‘Vile Vicki‘, are completely fake and next season will be exploding in everyone’s faces? Meanwhile Tamra Judge and Vicki will become each other’s Friendship Warriors once again.
Andy, sensing the Confusion By Satan creepy calm, quizzes Vicki about how many Xanax she took. Vicki insists, “I don’t have anything in me by water and coffee.” Which equals Vicki being full of shit! Or she’ll be pissing the sofa to mark her territory as OG of The OC. Who knows – maybe she’s scored an endorsement deal for Puppy Pads?
Is the royal court of RT ready? Let’s do this! On last night’s Ladies of London, the cougar comments aimed at Baroness Caroline Fleming at last week’s bowling party have landed Marissa Hermer in the hot seat. Since Caroline’s reaction to Marissa’s gauche behavior was to royally ice her out, how does Marissa know Caroline is truly upset, we wonder? From a hot bath, of course! Taken with one “Loose Lips” Julie Montagu, who just can’t seem to keep a lid on the gossip swirling around her exhausted, addled head. Meanwhile, Caroline Stanbury is trying to rally after accepting the bitter truth about her failed business, the Gift Library. And Annabelle Neilson displays her #uppercrustcred as the group goes out for an old fashioned pheasant shoot – rifles, dogs, wellies, and all!
We begin with Sophie Stanbury and Julie as they’re shopping for the pheasant shoot Julie’s hosting. Although she married into aristocracy, which comes with shooting parties and lots o’ meat-eating, Julie is an American vegetarian who doesn’t fit the “Lady” mold – nor does she aspire to. Juliet Angus joins the ladies to get her outfit together. Sophie claims the shoot is a very civilized event and they’ve got to look every bit the part. It’s tweeds and wellies and…oh, who the frig knows? Shooting parties are hard to come by here in the States, after all. Since someone’s gotta keep the drama train chugging along, Juliet tries to bring up Marissa’s cougar comments from bowling night, but Sophie shuts her down before she can spill any tea.
Woo. The first ten minutes of last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood was completely intense! It begins with Amber entering the counseling session with Miles where she hears the last thing she expected about the man she believed to be the love of her life. The therapist introduces herself and invites Amber to join Miles on the sofa. Miles is clearly a ball of nerves. He professes his love for Amber before sharing the fact that he is homosexual. He admits that he’s humiliated by this revelation, and discusses the confusion he’s had regarding his sexual identity. When he drops the bomb that he’s been in a relationship with a man, Amber breaks down and Miles retreats to the bathroom. The production crew stops her from following him, and Amber races out into the street where she collapses on the sidewalk. A female PA tries to both comfort and restrain her as the therapist urges Miles to go to her. He wants to leave, and Amber smacks him as she jumps in the car.
Miles tries to talk to Amber but she screams that she’s going release his secret to the world. All through high school, Amber’s friends always told her Miles was gay but she refused to believe them. The therapist tries to explain how hard it was for Miles to come clean and that he truly loves her. Amber cites the difficulty of losing her future with Miles, and the therapist reminds her that there is no good way and no good time to share his news. Amber calms down and reveals that she could never hate Miles–she loves him, but she has questions for his openly gay friend Milan. She was wondering why they were hanging out so much. You had me for a second, VH1. I didn’t think this reveal was scripted…there was too much raw emotion and pain from both sides. However, when she brings up Miles, I feel a bit duped. Perhaps I’m wrong. When the therapist relates Amber’s message to Miles, he is devastated for breaking her heart.
In the case of Lauren Manzo as her wedding approaches so too does the nagging about when she will be carrying on the illustrious Manz0-Scalia lineage and fulfilling her role and Caroline and Denise’s grandchild vessel. Caroline and Denise, henceforth, “Team Grandma” are on a two-pronged mission to get Lauren pregnant even if they have to tie her up in an Italian receiving blanket and inject Vito’s sperm into her with a meat tenderizer. Yes – it’s that drastic.