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Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills we were treated to a feast of crazy. Newbie Yolanda Foster tells us her biggest problem in life is having too many lemons about her house (she has an orchard of lemon trees), and after last night's dinner party I think  that very well may be the case. Sometimes friendships go sour, and sometimes sour grapes ruin a friendship before it even begins. 

Things begin with Kim Richards getting her youngest daughter Kimberly ready for prom. Kim is breathless with anxiety and is taking out her stress by molesting a vat of chicken salad for 100 while Kimberly gets her hair done. Kim comes out with this bowl that weighs as much as she does and sets it down in the middle of some banquet feast saying she just wants everything to be perfect.

It was literally the chicken salad that ate Kim Richards and she was running her fingers through it, caressing it, just praying on this chicken mess that everything would go perfectly. 

Kimberly's boyfriend shows up and he's 20 to her 16. What?! Maybe they should stay home and eat chicken salad. How exactly did this man meet this teenager and who exactly is condoning this? Well, besides Bravo and Kim, obviously. I'll try not to judge… I have to say I cannot get over how gorgeous Kimberly is and how much she looks like a young Kim. 

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This November, I am thankful for Basketball Wives: LA.  Seriously.  They make me feel a wee bit better about my life.  I may not have money or reality fame, but at least I've got great friends and family and don't look like a fool week after week for the whole world to see.  That is definitely something for which to give thanks!

Once again, last night's episode was the Jackie Christie show, and I have to wonder why she doesn't just get a spin-off already!  Fortunately for the viewers, the ladies seem to have veered from their whole meet for lunch/drinks/dinner/canyon/walks/cat fights premise.  Sorry, I couldn't even type that with a straight face.  We begin with Jackie meeting Gloria Govan for lunch to discuss Laura Govan's recent behavior.  Jackie needs to get her personal life sorted out so the drama doesn't interfere with the most important thing in her life–her daugters New York Fashion Week.  I am still shocked that she has a show.  Are we sure this is New York City Fashion Week?  In Manhattan?  Perhaps it could be New York Missouri Proper Fashion Week?  Jackie reveals that Malaysia Pargo will be walking in her show, and she had planned to ask Draya Michele as well.  Gloria is confused.  Doesn't Jackie hate Draya?  Gloria is too involved in her webisodes.  Jackie decides to vent about Laura to her sister, and Gloria totally flakes.  Jackie knows Gloria is the mouthpiece for the group, but she hopes Gloria will be nice when she sees Jackie's clothing line.

Malaysia and Bambi are returning to volunteer with Educated Ballers.  They have two high school girls they are going to mentor.  Well, this is a refreshing change if we have to see a "meet up" with the women.  Malaysia wonders if the girls would like to work in fashion.  One girl would like to be a social worker while the other would like to work in a correctional facility.  They are going to be roommates when college starts in the fall.  I must say that both Bambi and Malaysia are good at talking to the girls without talking down to them.  Malaysia is inspired.  She wants their next vacation to be a volunteer endeavor, like building houses in New Orleans. 

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Last week on Big Rich Texas, Leslie Birkland decided to have Kalyn Braun baptized (in a pool during a thunder and lightning storm) to wash away her slutty tendencies. Much to Kalyn's dismay, Leslie invited Kalyn's mom, Terry. Instead of embracing her mother, ignoring her, or faking small talk, Kalyn threw a temper tantrum of epic proportions. 

Following the party, if Leslie's face could show emotion, she would look bewildered. Leslie doesn't understand why Kalyn got so upset with her mother. Just a guess… perhaps because they're two manipulative drama queens fighting for attention. Kalyn tells Leslie that she got too heated and cannot even remember what set her off, adding, "Everything was just rushing through my head, like all the crap she pulls, and I just went off. I lost it. I couldn't handle it anymore." 

Leslie stresses that people can change. Leslie blows my mind with, "Now that you're an adult and you've been baptized, you're looking and viewing life differently." Being baptized does not instantly make one an adult… and, for crying out loud, Kalyn's hair is practically still wet. When did she have time to change her outlook on life? Leslie urges Kalyn to give Terry a chance. Kalyn says the mere thought is exhausting. 

Next, DeAynni Hatley brings 15-year-old Shaye to the Big Rich Texas plastic surgeon for Botox. I'll let you digest that statement for a moment and meet you in the next paragraph.

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Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta we met other new Housewife Porsha Stewart. What can we say about Porsha other than she's very, very, very, very, very, very blessed – and everything's, like, so perfect, like, all the time!

Porsha can pretty much be described as Kenya Moore's diametric opposite – a fact that has not escaped Kenya for one second. While Porsha grew up rich, doted on, and adored only to get married to a famous athlete and live as a socialite, as Kenya pointed out – she had to earn her own titles. Which may be why she clings onto an aging, tarnished, crown for dear life. When alls you've got is yesterday's honor and some Stuff Magazine covers, girl can't sit back on her booty and let the world forget!

Things begin with NeNe Leakes and ex-husband/current squeeze Greggalicious having a little one-on-one time. They head to Miss Lawrence's salon for some pedicures on giant, ridiculous, lacquered thrones. Gregg displays his talent for memorizing Hallmark cards and old wedding toasts by serenading an embarrassed NeNe with badly rhyming poems. All Gregg wants is a key. A key to NeNe's house, a key to her life, a key to her heart! 

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Kody Brown and his Sister Wives are back, and the family seems to be feeling the strain of their Las Vegas move even more intensely than last season.  Even Kody's once fluffy, blonde mane is now straw-like with a dishwater hue.  Oh, the hairmanity!  Seriously, if I'm going to watch a show about a polygamist (and I do like watching, don't get me wrong), couldn't TLC have found one a little more Bradley Cooper and a little less Harry from Dumb and Dumber?

The family remembers how difficult the transition to Las Vegas was, especially for the older children.  There is definite tension on the sofa, that's for sure.  All of the wives blame being separated on the break down of their family unit.  The family is still trying to secure financing for their cul-de-sac village.  Christine is concerned that Robyn and Janelle's credit won't allow them to qualify for a loan.  If one of them can't get their home, no one will be able to move forward.

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I think we all learned a good lesson on Real Housewives of Miami last night. Thomas Kramer's house is no place for Housewives of any strife, location, or wig-wearing persuasion. 

The creepy, weird older guy who hosted the ladies of Atlanta on an unforgettable girls weekend two seasons ago, once again did Housewives no favors by hosting the ladies of Miami for an atrocious dinner party where the lest desirable thing at the table was Thomas himself. Look dude, if you think telling an 80-year-old woman to sit down and shut-up because she's nearing her expiration date is going to get you a reality show, you're mistaken. 

Things begin at Lea Black's house with Mama Elsa and a case of missing mozzarella. Apparently Mama Elsa wants Lea and Marysol Patton to make up, but Lea has a conflict of interest – or two. One of them is 8 foot tall drag queen in a 40" wide wig named Elaine Lancaster. And the other is that essentially that The Patton Group screwed up The Black Gala two years in a row and there was nary an apology in sight. 

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After last night's episode of the Jersey Shore, MTV hosted a Restore the Shore special to aid victims of Hurricane Sandy.  Of course, the network wanted to keep us abreast of all things Jersey telethon, so they updated during commercial breaks.  Manning the duck phones are Teen Moms Catelynn Lowell and Maci Bookout, as well as Real Housewives of New Jersey's Melissa and Poison Gorga.  You've got to love when two worlds networks collide. 

I must say that I appreciate Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Jenni "JWoww" Farley, Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola, Vinny Guadagnino, DJ "Pauly D" DelVecchio, Deena Cortese, and Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino are doing for their beloved shore.  You have to admit that these kids have come a long way.  Snooki was even a guest host on Anderson Live yesterday, and she actually sounded slightly intelligent and not at all the cooch flashing train wreck of seasons past.  Baby steps.

We begin with Rawn, Snooki, and Deena working at the Shore Store.  The meatballs are already hoping to bail on their shift, and hard-working Ronnie is beyond frustrated.  He and Danny retaliate by donning trucker hats and ditching work like true meatballs.  Mike calls his sister and dishes on Paula.  He wants a classy girl, and his sister gives him advice on how to proceed with "shocking" Paula.  A giant storm rolls in (which I realize is nothing compared to the super storm), and Snooki and Deena are freaking out.  Down the boardwalk, Ronnie and Danny drink fruity cocktails and laugh about the chaos the girls are likely unleashing on the store. 

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What have I gotten myself into? Top Chef has brainwashed me; I need to procure a few GE Monogram appliances. Also, there are too. many. accents. this season. 
 
Last week, judges Tom Colicchio, Emeril Lagasse, Hugh Acheson, and Wolfgang Puck put the last of the Top Chef Seattle hopefuls through the ultimate chef test. The chefs who were deemed too salty, too sweaty, too full of themselves, and too boring for reality TV were eliminated. 
 
Season 10's cheftestants are Bart Vandaele, Brooke Williamson, Carla Pellegrino, Chrissy Camba, Danyele McPherson, Eliza Gavin, Jeffrey Jew, John Tesar, Josh Valentine, Kristen Kish, Kuniko Yagi, Lizzie Binder, Micah Fields, Sheldon Simeon, and Tyler Wiard
 
Alright, alright, alright! Padma Lakshmi is in the house, err, kitchen, and she's feisty. John decides to talk to his teammates while Padma is still dishing out instructions for the Quickfire challenge. She puts him in his place. Manners by Bravo lesson number one: don't talk over Padma. Standing beside Padma in a quiet and single-file line, as not to bring on Manners by Bravo lesson number two, are three past Top Chef contestants. Surprise! Josie Smith-Malave (season 2), C.J. Jacobsen (season 3), and Stefan Richter (season 5) will be the judges for the first blitzkrieg (okay, a little dramatic, but I love that word). Chrissy remembers Stefan; he's an evil villain who looks like a thumb. 
 
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