Things begin with a frazzled Lisa Hochstein fanning herself and clutching her pearls because Joanna Krupa's rabid makeup artist called her a bad, bad, BAD name which a lady shall not repeat. My stars!
The worst infraction was that Joanna was laughing – laughing! – as Lisa was maliciously attacked. I personally think the worst thing was Joanna's Miss Innocent act as if she had no clue in this world what Lisa was referring to and that she would never, ever, EVER participate in such a thing! Anyway, this crazed crotchety makeup man called Lisa a "whore" and also untalented and broke. So there's that.
In retaliation Lisa practically leaps off the sofa; her boobs threatened to spill out from the top of her dress as they trembled and clung for dear life. She's pointing and shrieking that Joanna is "Fake! FAKE, FAKE, Fake, Fake, FAKE!"
Dear Preachers of L.A., Why did you have to turn last night's episode into a platform for the many commercials of Pete Wentz's Best Ink? To tat or not to tat, that was the ONLY question. Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing Jay Heazlip and Ron Gibson do what they do best which is warm my heart and pump me up, respectively. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing the spunky side to Wayne Chaney, although his wife got a bit too Judgy McJudgerson. I honestly didn't miss Noel Jones or Deitrick Haddon. Oh, and Clarence McClendon was there, too.
Ron is getting spiffed up at the barber shop because he's the key note speaker at an upcoming minister's conference. The other shop patrons question Ron about his thug swagger. Doesn't he want to be a part of the board at church? Ron isn't willing to give up his trademark bling just to fit in with the more conservative clergy men. Speaking of conservative, welcome back Clarence. We missed you…maybe? He's recruited his oldest son to help out with his ministry. It's a bit of a challenge for both of them.
Loretta has invited Myesha and Christy to her restaurant to bond over food, and Myesha is very hesitant to try some of the dishes. The ladies discuss Deitrick and Dominique's upcoming wedding that Noel will be officiating. Myesha asks how the others feel about couples having babies out of wedlock, and Loretta responds she doesn't judge anyone…not even Christy for her tattoos. Myesha looks appalled and tries to explain away her aversion to tattoos, but she's digging herself a deeper hole by comparing tattoos to sinning. Christy then schools Myesha with Scripture, and Loretta coaxes Myesha to admit that getting a tattoo doesn't make someone a bad person.
To kick things off, Mike Shouhed visits MJ to help her express her dog's anal glands. Seriously. The only thing I'll say about this is, the free alcohol is a nice touch, but there are not enough tequila shots in the world for that. Then we learn TMI about MJ's shower habits. Pass the tequila. No shot glass necessary.
Next Lilly meets up with Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi. So, these two are exploring their friendship, and Lilly's totally on board since GG is "skinny and pretty". She might cut a bitch, but at least she does it in a size 2 jean, right? GG reveals she's been dating a new guy for the past five months. Lilly gives her the side eye because she saw her making out with not-the-new-guy at the birthday party. GG says she was on a "two day break" so it's all good.
To kick things off, Mackenzie buys a pair of chaps for Gannon. Ha! Why not? Dressing the baby like an adult cowboy makes perfect sense when Mackenzie doesn't have a job, Josh doesn't have a job, and Gannon, despite winning the family IQ race, is too young to have a job.
An excited Mackenzie calls Josh to gush about her superfluous purchase. He accepts the call – listens – but rushes off the phone without ever expressing a single emotion. Phone calls are hard, y'all. Mackenzie's friend points out that Josh is barely alive, adding, "He needs to get a pulse in touch with his feelings." Mackenzie says she totally heard excitement in Josh's voice.
Stassi Schroeder is up to her same antics of systematically destroying everyone around her. ThankfullyVanderpump Rules favorite sociopath hasn't changed. Where are the proper authorities?
Last night Stassi cemented that Scheana Marie, briefly her friend, was once again her enemy. Stassi believes that Scheana is on an unrelenting quest to become her, to like BE Stassi. Which would mean Scheana also wants to be WITH Jax Taylor.
Speaking of Jax, I'd like to take an informal poll on how high we think his IQ is: 3? 8? Maybe 15 on a generous day? Despite being humiliated and constantly berated by Stassi he desperately wants her back. So desperately that he got a secret tattoo to prove his love. She maintains he isn't doing anything to earn her trust back except give her truly exceptional sex with lots of acrobatics and WWF maneuvers. #gag
Over at SUR things are still topsy-turvy. Strangely it's not decimating business so Lisa Vanderpump decides to install a new bar in the garden. With construction underway she now needs to find the perfect sexy bartender. Not Jax! Oh no – his crazy is old news slimy like fruit a couple days past the expiration date. Someone different… someone outside the incestuous cess pool. Someone like Katie Maloney's boyfriend Tom. Enter Tom 2.
As Andy Cohen exclaimed in an excited frenzy last night, "I love evidence!" So, too, do we. Which means the ladies of Real Housewives of Miami came packing with the accusations, the evidence, the wild slanderous statements, and one of the dirtiest reunion shows I've seen since Thou Show That Should Not Be Named But Has An Indicted Star And Lots Of Family Feuding. Don't want to wake the dead with that mention!
Anyway, back to the show of present. RHOM was vicious last night. Just the way we like it – crazy makeup, crazy hair, crazy girls, and tons of sequins flying out of their seats and and trying to deflect the even wilder accusations.
Everything starts out kinda OK, but then Joanna Krupa sort of slams Adriana de Moura's wedding and mentions several times that it was beautiful except for the lateness, inconvenience, lies, total disrespect for the guests, idiotic costume change, bitchy atrocious bride, and the whole no food or drink for hours thing. But the gown was gorgeous! You know all that stuff, but at least Adriana didn't look like a flamenco dancer and at least Adriana's husband wants to sleep with her so ziiing!
Last night things were starting to settle in on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Everything that is except Carlton Gebbia who really cannot f–king deal with anyone and is over everything. Oh and Brandi Glanville's face – that's not settling either. She better watch it or she'll be turning into her arch-nemesis Adrienne Maloof!
Unfortunately the show began on a sour note. Poor Yolanda Foster is bravely taking us through her health journey battling Lyme Disease, which sounds horrible. I am seriously never going into the woods again. No, No, No!
Lemanda is undergoing surgery to remove a tube that sends antibiotics straight to her bloodstream and to celebrate she's doing a master cleanse instead of having a drink. I will never understand – pass me the alcohol! Gawd, do I sound like Brandi. #EpicFail. Even Yolanda's housekeeper is master cleansing and dividing all the lemonstrocity juice into a million Fuji bottles. Lemon does know how bad that is for the environment, right?
Well, what do you know? Promises were kept on last night's Love & Hip Hop…although said promises caused some major blow-ups. Peter Gunz assured Amina Buddafly that he'd tell Tara Wallace about their relationship, and he does. Nya wants to keep her word to help out Erica Mena. Of course, that will certainly end well–everything with Erica always does!
After thwarting Amina's plans to tell Tara about her wedding to Peter, ol' Petey boy calls up Rich Dollaz for advice. They are having a meeting of the creeps, but just because Peter is a creep doesn't mean he's a bad person. He's just indecisive as to who he wants to have sex with on a regular basis. Speaking of creeps, Joe Budden is meeting with Nya at the strip club. They've developed a true friendship as only a stripper and hookah smoking patron can be. Professor Budden tries to dissuade Nya from collaborating with Erica Mena, but I am totally distracted by the dancer in the background whose arse is literally about to eat some gentleman's face. Thanks for the nightmares, VH1. Thanks a lot.
Peter stays true to his word for once and keeps his "tomorrow" promise to tell Tara about Amina. He invites her to come by the studio and halfway tells her that he's been diddling his artist for a little while. When she gets upset about the fact that he's cheating (yet again), he says she may need to shoulder some of the responsibility since the pair hasn't been getting along. Is he serious? She's slapping him every which way to Sunday before throwing his guitar and storming out of the studio. Tara feels so stupid for thinking that Peter had changed his cheating ways…as she should!