We start off with Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian wrapping up Kim’s surgery and it appears everything went well! Full steam ahead baby-making in bathrooms with Kanye West again. Yay.
Kris is at an indoor go-cart racetrack with Khloe and Scott Disick. Kris explains that she tries to spend one-on-one time with the kids and hasn’t seen Kylie in a few weeks. What? Where is she living? Isn’t she like 15? Is that legal?
So when Claudia Jordan was bragging about “doing the work,” I assume she meant to keep her job on Real Housewives Of Atlanta, because that’s the only reason to start drama at a charity event, right? Miss Peace & Positivity of Walmart got janky with NeNe Leakes over a chafing dish of asparagus and Lord she is lucky that NayNay was locked in the Escalade because otherwise that hollandaise would have been all over Claudia’s wig for days!
The ladies have returned from the Philippines and everyone’s like LOOOOOVE! LIIIIIIGHT! We get along! We’re FRIIIIIENDS. Kinda. Until NeNe enters the picture and someone is in the position to get in her face with a pair of chicken tongs! If you had tried that with Kandi Burruss she would have just taken a bite!
Phaedra Parks is hosting a Save Our Sons (S.O.S.) luncheon event which will bring fatherless boys together with successful black men. Everyone is getting along (and Phaedra Parks, Esq. will sue your fake-ass if you cause drama), so all of the ladies are invited. There must have been a dress code imposed because Porsha Williams left her Princess of THOTland ensembles at home – no need to resuscitate anyone in the middle of Arlen Griffin’s speech!
Last night on Blood, Sweat, and Heels the ladies do what no Real Housewife has (possibly) ever done by episode 3 in a season: they make up with dignity and class. Daisy Lewellyngets disappointing news about her final cancer treatment though, while Melyssa Fordmakes plans to head back into the real estate world, and new girl Chantelle Frasersteps on some toes.
Melyssa is grateful that opening night of her play is over so she’s celebrating by getting pedicures with her mom & aunt. Her mom was touched by the part in the play where no one wanted to listen to her talk (back-in-the-day-like-10-years-ago) when she was a video vixen. Melyssa feels good about finally being able to open up to her mom. Having always been a daddy’s girl, she knows she’s held her mom at arm’s length for too long and wants to focus on being a better daughter now.
It’s game time in Melbourne this week! Most of the Real Housewives of Melbourne ladies gather at the big AFL game and have champs to catch up. Chyka Keebaugh’s company is behind the scenes running the catering and event planning which looks fantastic.
Everyone is dressed to impress – sans Jackie Gillies and Gina Liano, the ladies look really great! I don’t see too much glitter from anyone with the exception of Pettifleur Berenger . I’m having a real hard time understanding her style. I think she walked in with sparkly blue jeggings on or maybe it was sparkly doilies glues on the sides of jeggings, I couldn’t tell. Pettifleur’s style is um, kinda tacky. Gamble Breaux is rocking some serious two-tone hair and I have to say, with minimal make-up and her hair completely straightened – she looks fierce. Then she opens her mouth. Herein lies the problem. Lydia declines champs and Gamble blurts out the question if she’s pregnant. Oh man. Lydia is incredibly offended and sort of laughs it off. At least Gamble recognizes in her interview that was a poor choice of words.
It’s only the third episode of Little Women: NY and the brawls, they are a’brewin’. Last night, Jordanna James rounds up a few of the ladies (and Jason Perez, because…why not?) to join her in a burlesque show she’s producing,Lila Call gets back into the dating scene, and Jazmin Lang confronts her fears (mainly in the form of sister-in-law Dawn Lang) about becoming a little person performer. Misty Irwin also sacrificially offers up her boyfriend, Joe, on the altar of parental approval.
We open up at lunch with Jordanna asking Kristin Zettlemoyer, Jason and Jazmin to perform in a burlesque show she’s putting on a week from now. She cold opens with the very serious question, “Can you twerk?” Her burlesque group, called Sass n’ Betties, is a group of bada$$ women, says Jordanna, who don’t tailor their choreography to work specifically with little people. So she expects the girls – and Jason – to step up. Jordanna also reminds us repeatedly that she’s a Broadway performer (little NeNe?) so she’s got expectations, yo! Jazmin is concerned with transitioning from business school to performer, and she’s already got the heat on her from sister-in-law Dawn who thinks little people performers drag the entire world of little people back into the dark ages. Besides being cast as an elf, Dawn doesn’t see much of a future in it. Dawn’s brother – Jazmin’s husband – is supportive of her performing dreams, though. So Jazmin agrees to debut her, uh, talents in Jordanna’s show. The group raises their glasses to Jazmin’s new adventure.
Bethenny Frankel has come back home to Real Housewives Of New York, except she’s homeless. Are we even sure she lives in New York City at this point, or does she just live in the scaffolding of her own hubris? Delusionally elevating her to the heights of such paragons as Bill Gates and Oprah, whom Bethenny clarifies would not change their underwear in the back of a town car. Clearly, Bethenny doesn’t really know Oprah. Oprah so would! Martha Stewart on the other hand, she would never be so disorganized as to let the prickly fibers of a polyester seatbelt touch her vagi-steamed nether-regions.
It’s clear right from the start Bethenny has an agenda on RHONY: to hawk Bethenny products and be the living incarnate of her Skinnygirl brand, but also to regain fan support by selling her old standby woe-is-me victim yarn. This time about her divorce and the horrible being she reproduced with known as Jason Hoppy, whom if she saw on the street she would ignore as a stranger.
Do I have to rehash the deluded behaviors of Brandi Glanville and Kim Richards cause I don’t wanna! I do want to talk about Lisa Rinna‘s “Double-Standard Dance” which needs to become a Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills standard. Like, whenever someone is being a hypocritical bitch (aka all the dagone time) just jump up and start wriggling and twisting and gun finger-pointing double-standard dancing. Their faces don’t move so they’ve gotta do something to convey their disgust.
I recant… Eileen Davidson‘s face moves. I’ll add that to my long list of things I love about Eileen. Also, she can drop a read so thick with shade a bitch won’t be able to see the sun for days. Eileen and Phaedra Parks need to start conducting seminars.
Andy asks Eileen what she was thinking joining RHOBH and she is like uhhhh… well, my life is great, my job is great, I just won an Emmy, and I wanted “a different type of drama” – well she got it! She also got wine thrown in her face and called a beast. Which – let me tell you – Eileen’s “How dare you!” rebuttal to KimKillah over the beast comment was my favorite moment of this season. It was so… Dynasty.
Abby Lee Miller has taken the ALDC back to Los Angeles, which, for us dear viewers, means a week free from Candy Apples scripted craziness. That’s enough for me! It’s the little things. Last night’s episode of Dance Moms begins with the entire troupe in Lala Land, and Melissa brags that MacKenzie was chosen to go with Abby on a recent studio scouting expedition. All of the moms hope that this time on the West Coast will go much more smoothly than the last time. Jill reveals that Kendall wants to work on her music (she’s got the voice for it), and Abby has promised that she will focus on a music video for sweet Kendall. Of course, Jill knows not to rely on what has been said in the past.
At rehearsal, Abby is strangely chipper and excited for this week. Abby is ready to work on Kendall’s dancing, and Jill interrupts to remind her that she’s spread thin as far as contracts and deals go. Abby tersely reminds Jill that she’ll do her best. Holly understands Jill’s struggle (it’s real, y’all), and she apologizes in advance if Nia takes some time away to work on a music video courtesy of Aubrey O’Day. Abby is all kittens, rainbows, and unicorns about Nia’s opportunity, but she reminds her dancers that they have cell phones…if something comes up that she isn’t privy to, they should dial her immediately. Holly gets the message loud and clear, and Jill hopes the women’s relationship is on the mend.