Last night brought lots of changes for the Real Housewives Of Orange County. Most importantly they’re all getting along! In a scary, even realistic kind of way. Which means something horrible is probably going to happen that sucks the whole of the Pacific Ocean into Vicki Gunvalson and Shannon Beador‘s bodies so they can turn them into an epic tidal wave of hysterical tears. Am I excited about this prospect… I mean, yes and no.
Speaking of Shannon she has downsized in the divorce. Dreaded words there kids! So if you see a woman living under the freeway in a cardboard box featuring rococo mahogany legs, you will know it is Shannon! Terribly tragic.
Lydia McLaughlin returned to use free advertising for the launch of her new magazine after a long hiatus to contemplating what Alexis Jesus would do as a Real Housewife, and Vicki remained – and remained on the outs with everyone. Heather Dubrow decided she didn’t want to expose her marriage to anymore speculative gossip and quit, so instead enter: Peggy Sulahian. Someone in casting was on Vicki’s Vodka that day!
Tamicki love each other – they really love each other! Included in this pile of re-love was Shannon Beador. Who may never really forgive David Vicki, but she’ll never get over him her either.
It was the perfect way to end things. And hopefully they’ll truly move on. After all, just how many seasons can we stretch out the indomitable Brooks Ayers drama (it’s going on 5 seasons now!)? We get it – he’s scum, and Vicki was an innocent virginal angel duped because of her saintly loving heart.
The first part of the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion was shockingly real as the ladies discussed broken marriages and motherhood. Shannon Beador finally stopped shrieking “WOOOOWWWWW! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! A VOW RENEWAL!” and quit convincing herself that David loves her. Which has always been the real joke. I mean, it’s been over for years – vow renewal and all – but Shannon finally accepted it and moved out. Addendum: David finally kicked her out.
I mean it’s not like anyone believed this happy re-united love story of David and Shannon, although she certainly thought they were this inspiration to us all, but it’s still sad to see Shannon processing everything. Clearly she never saw it coming, which is the saddest thing of all.
The other hot topic was whether Jesus ate Lydia McLaughlin‘s brain, thus making her poisoned by a fear of drag queens. OK, it wasn’t quite that dramatic unless you’re Meghan Edmonds.
Peggy Sulahian is just kind of just the worst, isn’t she? Maybe she’s a nice person, and she seemed OK at her Armenian anniversary party, but as soon as you take the Diko away from Peggy she turns into a judgmental, overbearing, clueless buzzkill intent to smother the fun out of any party with her nonsensical ramblings. Even a Viking send-off. I don’t want to be mean, but perhaps Bravo needs to issue ‘Funness’ qualifying exams.
There were men in fair isle sweaters serenading the ladies, then fighting over the amorphous blondes (Shannon Beador is convinced it’s her because Vikings “like a girl with a lil meat on her bones,” but would Shannon really touch whale blubber? I feel like it’s not very holistic…). But anyway, there were men doing all this for all of them, and in the middle of it all Tamra Judge and Vicki Gunvalson were hugging and kissing like it was 2010, and Vicki even apologized to Shannon – more on that in a bit – then in walked Peggy, wearing a blood red caftan, and out for blood! She ruined the whole thing. Again.
Poor Vicki her love tank’s connected to her heart valve, her heart valve’s connected to that part of her brain that says ‘PAY ATTENTION TO ME! ME! ME! ME!” So she was vomiting and having heart palpitations while Peggy Sulahian and Kelly Dodd fought over who was better at caring for Vicki’s sputtering love tank.
You can take the Real Housewives Of Orange County out of the OC, but you can’t take the OC out of the girls, right? Lydia McLaughlin tried when she hauled them all the way to Iceland on the other end of the earth but wound up arguing over the same trivial details anyway.
For all her complaining that she’s left out of the fun (what fun? I ask you) Lydia did put together a helluva a trip for these women. I guess she was trying to suck up and make them like her or something. They arrive in the land of eternal daylight of the shit-talking mind, and Tamra Judge worries that exposure to all this sun will add to her wrinkle collection. Like she might soon start looking (and acting!?) her age. Of course, they have plastic surgery for this, but still – the real Tamra is not her best side.
On the bus from the airport Kelly Dodd is the only person who gives a flying figaloon that they are in this beautiful country. As she quizzes the driver about local customs from the no puke zone at the front of the bus, the other women roll their eyes.