It’s time for the sick, sad, dysfunctional world of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills! Thank goodness for the beautiful Tuscan scenery and the epic way Lisa Vanderpump put Kathy Hilton‘s BS on blast or else I’d be suffering from a case of Lymopause-depression! I can’t wait for Erika Jayne‘s kooky-crazy next week to infuse this show with some fun weirdness, because melo-lyme-dramatics is too much!
Yolanda Fosterneeds to break-up from “stabbing in the dark” and “playing detective,” as she refers to the menagerie of ‘treatments’ she’s trying to cure Lyme. What is making Yolanda sicker – the Lyme Disease or all the crazy she’s dumping into her body? Yolanda’s Bathrobe is becoming the new Yolanda’s Fridge, and YoBathrobe just doesn’thavethe same appeal. Lady needs to detox from detoxing, and instead of a weekly colonic to harvest tapeworms, how about a facial, a nice relaxing, massage, a bottle of wine and some My Love sexytimes! Or possibly a trip to the snooze-inducing Amalfi Coast?
While Yolanda is permanently convalescing – now in a condo far away from the palace of lemons lightly scented with love and sprinkled with the élan of Grammys – Lisa Vanderpump is getting her workout on. A workout for Lisa includes a personal trainer in the form of LA Dodgers player EJ Ellis.
Lisa will be throwing the ceremonial first pitch to celebrate LGBT pride at Dodgers stadium and she is super honored plus excited, but nervous.
Tonight Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills season 6 premieres! Before we get into the new drama – let’s put on our Louboutins for a walk back in time through all the drama from season 5. Obviously Brandi Glanville in her Nine West pumps was trespassing! Good lord did I love last season. LOVED IT. And I just know this season will be just as good!
Welcome to a recap ofBrandi Glanville‘sbrief and storied history on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Emerging from the shadows of the underdog to the unlikely fan-favorite she quickly collapsed into one of the most reviled Housewives in history.
Boozdi-Brandi’s time on RHOBH spans incredible highs and incredible lows, but is dominated by her willingness to do anything in the name of drama. Brandi recently accused Bravo of encouraging her to be controversial to save the show from doldrums, but I’d say ratings disagree with that tactic.
Below, we recap Brandi’s sordid tale from the Housewife who probably never should have been, to the Housewife who wasn’t.
Man – I’m disappointed in Bravo. They left out all the fun stuff from Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills to focus on Kim “RAMBLES OF MY SOBRIETY” Richards. Yes, we missed Eileen Davidson announcing she’s driving her Ford Flex to collect her Emmy, so we could instead hear KimKillah wax poetic about all the terrible things HARRY did while Lisa Rinna was sleeping, only to deny she ever said them because she doesn’t remember, only to admit she made the whole implication up! Anyway, Bravo – more Emmys and less Kimmies. (And how gorgeous did Eileen look in her Emmy gown).
So, what else happened. Oh – Yolanda Foster “downsized.” With Mauricio as her guide towards these uncharted territories of humble abodes, Yolanda house hunted. Yes – she realized having a 4,000 tree lemon grove was just a touch too much even for her perma-master cleanse state of being, so she looked at houses in the 8,000 – 4,500 square-foot range. But oh, they were just not for Yo!
OK, I’m kidding. But seriously – where was this so-called 11th hour smoking gun we were supposed to be getting?! Can I get a RHOBH reunion refund? I was fully preparing myself for the news that Kim and Kingsley had gotten married in Vegas and were having a child using Brandi Glanville as a surrogate.
But no… apparently the big drama was Lisa Rinna had a momentary lapse where she morphed into Brandi and threatened to F–k Kim up via text. Wielding f-bombs and empty threats is hardly exciting news – Kim and Brandi do it habitually to the point that it’s the almost menopause mama who cried “F–k!”
Do I have to rehash the deluded behaviors of Brandi Glanville and Kim Richards cause I don’t wanna! I do want to talk about Lisa Rinna‘s “Double-Standard Dance” which needs to become a Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills standard. Like, whenever someone is being a hypocritical bitch (aka all the dagone time) just jump up and start wriggling and twisting and gun finger-pointing double-standard dancing. Their faces don’t move so they’ve gotta do something to convey their disgust.
I recant… Eileen Davidson‘s face moves. I’ll add that to my long list of things I love about Eileen. Also, she can drop a read so thick with shade a bitch won’t be able to see the sun for days. Eileen and Phaedra Parks need to start conducting seminars.
Andy asks Eileen what she was thinking joining RHOBH and she is like uhhhh… well, my life is great, my job is great, I just won an Emmy, and I wanted “a different type of drama” – well she got it! She also got wine thrown in her face and called a beast. Which – let me tell you – Eileen’s “How dare you!” rebuttal to KimKillah over the beast comment was my favorite moment of this season. It was so… Dynasty.
I don’t want to sound like I’m bullying Brandi, but here’s the thing: if she would just own maybe a smidgen of her behavior or actions (and apologize without conditions) I think it would go a long way in everyone believing that she has a good heart, is good a mother, and is a person who at least on occasion behaves like an adult. Instead Brandi resorts to accusing Lisa Vanderpump(who can’t even be bothered to put out for Ken more than twice a year) of being desperate for the 23-year-old manwand of her son’s childhood bestie. This is because LVP called Brandi out for being too drunk too f–k her Amsterdam-ian fling (according to Andre, who unfortunately was not Skyped during the reunion!)