Get your Tom + Katie tea towels ready to clean up the muck that has become Vanderpump Rules!
Recovering from Christmas and an ultimate cookie binge, the last thing I’m in the mood for is whining from Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder. But, alas, I am nothing if not a consummate professional, so I have wrenched myself from the sluggish glut of a living room filled with wrapping paper (how many calories does wading through wrapping paper burn?) to complete this recap. Happy holidays! Katie just blew her life savings on $18.00 custom tea towels, and her life now consists of hatefully glaring at Tom Schwartz while folding said towels into cardboard boxes, wrapping the whole thing with twine, and mailing it. In case you were wondering wtf: that’s her wedding invite.
Jax Taylor goes under the knife again, this time to have some work done on his chest. Jax developed gynecomastia, which he blames on taking too many supplements. He wants to be clear that it’s not a “breast reduction” and says this condition is common with body builders.
It’s a cold day in L.A. before I take Scheana Marie‘s side about anything, but thanks to last night’s Vanderpump Rules that icy apocalypse has arrived.
Does anyone even understand what happened last night? It was essentially 30-year-old women playing drunken telephone as if bringing a stupid bridal party game to real life. Somehow, Stassi Schroeder took a situation that she was not a part of in any way, and through heresy, put her own special Stassi spin on it until it dildo-in-acid exploded on Scheana, soaking her in the bile of bad friendships and her own bad karma.
Last night’s Vanderpump Rules celebrated Pride, but it was far from the jubilant affair it usually is in light of the Orlando nightclub shooting, which happened the day before.
I’m not sure how to write this recap for a couple reasons: 1) there was a lot of the usual f-ked up SUR drama surrounding Pride and the tragic events; and 2) Tom Sandoval made his ugly cry face but it seems wrong to make fun of it because he was crying about the Orlando tragedy. Conundrum. I also feel bad swooning over how glorious Peter looked. (Cause he did).
Is there anything more confusing than a woman who is not only willing to have sex with James Kennedy, but do the sex in essentially a cot in the corner of his dorm room? Oh yes, there IS something more confusing – that this woman is willing to admit this sex on national television! The bright lights of LVP‘s sparkles reflected by Bravo cameras can cause a girl to lose her mind!
I feel naive saying this, but I was surprised when I heard about Scheana Marie Shay and Mike Shay filing for divorce. Yes, I remember the couple dealing with Shay’s addiction last season on Vanderpump Rules, but I figured they would try to work through it – at least for a little bit longer than this.
There have been quite a few rumors about the Shays recently. It was reported that Shay ran away and took Scheana’s money, but Shay adamantly denied that story and proclaimed his love for his wife in a strongly worded Instagram post. It seemed like it was all good, but clearly that was not the case. Now I’m wondering what we will get to see on the current Vanderpump Rules season.