Last night on Vanderpump Rules everyone was obsessed with cheating that wasn't going on.
Things begin with Jax Taylor remembering that he probably would trade Stassi Schroeder in for another psycho. He's modeling for Kitson – male mooodleing is such chaaaaallenging work – especially when you have a famewhore girl model telling you how hot you look.
Actually what really happened is that she saw Jax's tat for Stassi and realized "easy mark" I could swoop in and have sex with this guy and he'd leave Psychossi for me in a heartbeat and then I'd get to be on TeeVee. ME!
Despite wanting Stassi back, Jax is a little vague about whether or not he's in a relationship. I mean I guess it's hard to explain that you let some girl carry your balls around in a pseudo designer bag and then you go vacuum her apartment every single time she gives them a squeeze. I mean the average stranger might not understand the deep and beautiful nature of their love.
Oh Vanderpump Rules – why you make so many menz cry? Perhaps it's because I grew up in the south but I think a man should drown his tears in whiskey instead. Does that make me a cold-hearted biatchStassi Schroeder?
Last night the gang traveled to LAKE ARROWHEAD, mythical kingdom of all things powerful and magical, or you would have imagined it was by the awestruck way the entire cast said the name over and over again! Jax Taylor is going to implore Stassi's mom to accept him so Stassi will be his girlfriend again. Stassi's mom is pretty much exactly like Stassi – only scarier and with worse hair.
The real reason they're going is so Jax can show Stassi his tattoo – ac-ci-dent-tal-leee, as he takes his shirt off on the beach. "What's that?!" she wonders grabbing his arm? For me… she gasps. 'Next I want you to get my vaj tattoo over your heart. Then I'll love you again. Maybe…' Stassi is slightly disgusted by the gesture but alas her ego explodes into a thousand cosmic rays of gloriosity – someone wants her enough to permanently mutilate their body. Jax and Tom 1 giggle in the bedroom over how well it went. Meanwhile Stassi complains to her mom about how desperate Jax is.
Stassi Schroeder is up to her same antics of systematically destroying everyone around her. ThankfullyVanderpump Rules favorite sociopath hasn't changed. Where are the proper authorities?
Last night Stassi cemented that Scheana Marie, briefly her friend, was once again her enemy. Stassi believes that Scheana is on an unrelenting quest to become her, to like BE Stassi. Which would mean Scheana also wants to be WITH Jax Taylor.
Speaking of Jax, I'd like to take an informal poll on how high we think his IQ is: 3? 8? Maybe 15 on a generous day? Despite being humiliated and constantly berated by Stassi he desperately wants her back. So desperately that he got a secret tattoo to prove his love. She maintains he isn't doing anything to earn her trust back except give her truly exceptional sex with lots of acrobatics and WWF maneuvers. #gag
Over at SUR things are still topsy-turvy. Strangely it's not decimating business so Lisa Vanderpump decides to install a new bar in the garden. With construction underway she now needs to find the perfect sexy bartender. Not Jax! Oh no – his crazy is old news slimy like fruit a couple days past the expiration date. Someone different… someone outside the incestuous cess pool. Someone like Katie Maloney's boyfriend Tom. Enter Tom 2.
Last night was the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules. Everyone on this show needs a Lysol bath and a therapist for their narcissism.
Stassi Schroeder, Princess of Booze, Bitchiness, and Over-inflated Egos, has not changed one bit! She is now on a quest for world domination, something she plans to write the POTUS about. Stassi wants to make it a law that she has a pet zombie. I thought Jax Taylor was her pet zombie?
Jax is still in loooourve with Stassi, but doing everything humanly (and zombie-ly) possible to screw it up. All Jax's groveling and begging her dad for forgiveness doesn't count if he's still planning on dipping his wick in the non-insane bitch ladies pool!
Other than JaxAssi acting JaxAssi-ish, Scheana Marie has gone full-fledged SWF nutty! Let's talk about her, shall we? In the off-season Scheana has devoted every moment of her life to worshippingLisa Vanderpump and replacing Brandi as the object of Lisa's maternal affections. Can't Giggy have a baby already? Scheana has also decided Pandora is her BFF – and even better, they share a birthday.
Scheana Marie Famewhore reached new lows in her deplorable groveling famewhoredom by basically sucking up to Stassi and doing her attacking for her. I mean, Scheana – get some self-esteem. Stassi called you a homewrecking, untalented, hooker whore on national TV and tried to get you fired at work. This bitch is not your friend. You are so Fetch from Mean Girls and no matter what you do, you're never going to be a 'thing.' So with that out of the way, let's examine the other shameless ones.
Yes, Stassi and Jax; a tale of amoral and delusional love. I mean they really are sort Natural Born Killers aren't they. Instead of using literal guns they just emotionally decimate everyone in their disgusting quest to one-up each other and seem important. Lisa Vanderpump dutifully called Jax out on using and abusing Laura-Leigh as a pawn; calling into question his ability to deceive on demand and take advantage of someone in an emotionally vulnerable state. She also expressed disgust about his sexual proclivities for unprotected sex. With anyone. "Clearly, it's not working for you," she admonished derisively.
Growing up is sooooo hard to do. Especially when you're a 32-year-old male model perfecting the dilettante lifestyle. Such is the case of Jax Taylor, who everyday listens to Rod Stewart's anthem "Forever Young" on his iPod while slicing lime twists for the perfect cocktail. But alas fair Jax – everyone has a moment when they wake up Maggie Mae.
Worst of all is that Jax let his people down. His followers, ready to decamp in the jungle without their eyeliner for him, were crestfallen.
In the tangled web of Vanderpump Rules, Jax is trying to rekindle his relationship with Stassi Schroeder and to do that he's taking their dog shopping. Stassi wants all remnants of that flea Laura-Leigh exterminated. Over talk of new leashes, Stassi then turns her laser devil eyes on Jax and he is forced to beg and plead with her not to exterminate him as well.
Stassi and Jax, the endless tale of emotional f**kwittism. Is buying a new dog accessory some sort of break-up rite of passage now?
Oh good lord with this show. I really think the cast of Vanderpump Rules should just bottle their tears and sell them as a cocktail at SUR. I mean someone is always crying! In every scene: sob, sob, sob, sob… If Diamond Water can become a thing, Teary Vodka can.
So last night Jax Taylor proved that he is just as self-absorbed as Stassi Schroeder (what did we expect from a male model!) when he dumped rebound girlfriend Laura-Leigh of the Minnie Mouse helium voice and meth addiction after her AA meeting. Yep, that happened – although he told her they could keep having sex.
And in the same episode Stassi showed why she has no friends and is always getting shizzed upon by boyfriends; because she treats people like CRAP! And we all know you treat people how you expect to be treated. Stassi, Princess of Low Self-Esteem. She wears transparent well, doesn't she?
Somebody needs to revoke Jax Taylor's Food Handler's card because our pretty male model made a serious faux pas on last night's Vanderpump Rules with ladylove of the minute Laura Leigh!
Everyone's favorite little reincarnated Minnie Mouse whose voice floats and squeaks with aplomb christened SUR with Jax in a little late-night bathroom hooking up. ON THE FLOOR. Of the VIP bathroom. According to the security guard, he walked in and saw Jax and Laura Leigh trousers down, getting busy. He promptly phoned Ken, who promptly called a PR meeting where he informed the flabbergasted Lisa Vanderpump about extracurricular activities in the workplace. Oh dear – what. a. mess. Literally and figuratively.
I have two things to say about this: 1) Does LL seriously want to be thought of as the gross desperate girl who gets busy on a public restroom floor? Even Britney Spears isn't that dirty.
2) Did Lisa seriously let that get featured on television? Image problem is right! And apparently this is a bit of a trend with LL because the next night she and Jax are out to dinner and they slip into the employee bathroom to reenact their magical moment. Where are the police with public indecency citations when we need them?