Everyone has returned from Miami in high spirits – Lisa Vanderpump is impressed they managed to take a vacation without killing Scheana. Tom 1 and Ariana Madix even believe Tom’s talk with Kristen has given her the closure she needs and everything is peaceful. That peace, is the quiet before the storm, sadly.
Scheana Marie Almost Famous has anointed herself as diplomat of SUR and plans to ask Lisa for a raise after all the good work she did using penis straws to reunite the group. Poor Stassi is left out in the cold. She hasn’t just been shivering outside, pressing her face against the window and drooling over the fried goat cheese balls, she’s been beading! Stassi has been hustling! She’s not just living off her parents! Stassi’s real hustle is convincing people to actually interact with her.
Sometimes when I write these recaps I wish I had more time to ponder the happenings. I get myopic vision and tunnel in on certain ideas, then I read or see something else and it’s like: aha! How did I miss that? But alas, the world of blogging moves swiftly and there is no time for deep consideration about reality TV.
Last night the over-grown adolescents of Vanderpump Rules made the trek to Miami for Scheana Marie‘s bachelorette party. Naturally the thing to do is to also invite your Maid of Honor’s mortal enemy, who also happens to be on the FBI watch-list for stalking – just to make sure everyone has an unforgettable time! If Kristen Doute were a superhero her power would be stealing fun. Except Kristen is not a superhero – she’s a super villain.
Packing for the trip Shay, the lumbering manhulk of sullen drudgery, finally speaks. Holding up a pair of flamboyant swim trunks, he looks down at his open suitcase, then at Scheana and mumbles, “This is really setting in right now.” Yep – one step closer to being Mr. Scheana Marie Almost Famous. Score!
The other problematic goings-on is Jax Taylor. Just that very morning Jax apparently ran head-first into a glass door, busting open his forehead. Now he looks even more like a scientific experiment where the world’s most attractive man is turned into a Frankenstein monster of evil. Peter recognizes this is not gonna be good.
Is anyone confused about what is going on with Stassi Schroeder? She was always a delusional, self-righteous, self-important mess, but this season of Vanderpump Rules she is missing a link. Also, not getting it: Jax Taylor who continues to have terrible troubles with the truth!
Since Stassi doesn’t rank as important this season she doesn’t get a fancy trip to celebrate her birthday – instead it’s a wine tasting with all of her “friends” from SUR. Stassi believes this means she’s “growing up.” because she’s celebrating her birthday without tantrums and whiny hissyfits. OK, then.
Does denial grow on trees in sunny California? What about psychosis? I mean, it must, right if Vanderpump Rules is any indication of life in LA. Last night Katie Maloney had an awakening and Tom Sandoval had a’shakening when he realized that Kristen Doute really is stalking him and he is going to end up the subject of a cautionary tale seen on Lifetime. Hey – I’d watch, but only if they cast an actor with better hair.
Lisa Vanderpump is swanning around Villa Blanca, pruning roses, whistling while she works, conversing with birds when one of her 7 gnomes – Sleazy – arrives. Jax Taylor is just hoping for some free food – and some permission to start “banging” the new hostess Vail. Lisa immediately attempts to put the breaks on that notion by snipping the pruning sheers near Jax’s poker.
Before Lisa even has the opportunity to take off her transparent unicorn leather gardening gloves (special edition Gucci), gnome 2 – Sniffly – arrives to burst in to tears. Katie blames being allergic to decent human beings and scents other than stale booze for her watery eyes. She tells Lisa that Tom 2 would rather have Jax in his life than Katie, but she doesn’t want to be alone. What if she turns into Kristen?!
Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules reminded me of two classic movies that perfectly apply: Fatal Attraction and Dazed and Confused.
Let’s start by examining the ulterior motives of Stassi “Free Ride” Schroeder. Stassi, quit SUR, moved away, started dressing the Jr. League vice president, and thinks that makes her a grownup. Sadly, she’s still loitering outside the gates of SUR, leaning against the bar with a pinot grigio, sighing, “This is what I love about these SUR bitches, I get more mature, but they just stay the same.” You know who I’m referencing!
Stassi needs a job – because she is bored of free riding her friends TV show, spending daddy’s money, and wearing that real live adult facade. Maturity is hard – especially when you really, really, really yearn to be back at SUR, causing drama, and bitchwhipping these pathetic losers into shape like Red Heather (since we’re going with old movie references! There’s pate, and croquet! And Kristen Doute is totally going to bomb the bleachersAriana’s bar).
Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And in that restaurant she had a bartender. Who would cheat cheat here. And would cheat cheat there. Here a cheater, there a cheater. Everywhere a cheater cheating. Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And such is the tale of Vanderpump Rules.
Last night the rampant epidemic of cheating that spread through SUR claimed another victim: Tom Schwartz. While Katie Maloney was busy “motorboating a d–k,” Tom 2 was making out with some girls and possibly having sex with others. In the middle of it all was Jax Taylor, erstwhile on a struggle for people to recognize his true nature as a gentle giant, an angel hellbent on protecting those he loves, a man who cries at the injustices of his friends being in relationships with toxic girls. Why does no one understand him?!
In other news Lisa is hosting a Gay Mayors party at PUMP and needs Tom 1, Jax, and Tom 2 (temporarily re-hired, but remanded to bring paper bags in case of panic attacks) to “Tray Pass” – i.e. hold catering trays of food and wander around. Tom 1 and Jax are pissed – that’s such an insult! That’s the lowest echelon of bar tending – they have standards, y’all!
On Vanderpump Rules last night Jax Taylor decided that, for once, he was gonna work the rumor-mill to his favor, and play a game of telephone with the story of Katie Maloney “motorboating the crotch region of a gentleman.” Yes, I just typed that. And yes, that is a direct quote. And yes, we will be using that phrase many more times through this recap. You’ve been warned!
Jax is recovering from his nose job, and as he deals with the debilitating pain of a deviated septum he realizes there’s been just one person who hasn’t reached out, who hasn’t checked in on his recovery: Katie. He broods over muddled ginger at the SUR bar, and every time he feels the bandage tape creating friction across his oily pores, his anger increases just a little bit: it goes from beer, to wine, to whiskey, finally distilling into pure moonshine. And then he snaps: how dare she! How dare Katie not only ignore him in his time of need, but how dare she choose Stassi Schroeder‘s side over his. And even worse, how dare she attempt to keep Tom 2 away from him, dammit! Besides, Tom 2 wants to be away from Katie – not Jax.