Vanderpump Rules Recap: Gatorade, The Thirst Trapper

This season seems to be a reckoning on Vanderpump Rules. A washing the slate clean to prepare for the new and fresh, and the people getting hit the hardest are Jax Taylor and Scheana Marie. I welcome this.

For some bizarro reason Max Boyens hosts a beach clean-up at a public beach that gets regularly cleaned by the city. Then, because this makes total logical sense, everyone who shows up is swilling wine out of plastic solo cups. Erm. Look – I get it, they need to give Max something to DO besides women, but how about we get a little more filler about his backstory? Like who is this guy other than the person who’s presumably replacing Jax as the Number 3 guy in the TomSquared concoction.

Speaking of Jax, he does not attend because he it’s ridiculous to have to drive “4 hours,” polluting the environment to clean up a beach. He’s not wrong, but of course Brittany Cartwright is there. They could’ve taken the car pool lane, y’all!

Instead of just sending a quick ‘sorry I can’t make it’ text Jax sends Max a litany of rude and insulting texts basically calling him a fucking idiot, then uninviting him to the pool party he’s having the following week. Max shows the texts to everyone and they all laugh at what an asshole Jax is. Right in front of Brittany (who is rocking some seriously BIG hair in what I assume is her preparing to move to Kentucky and leave Jax). Brittany is now put in the embarrassing position of, once again, defending Jax. Well, you lay down with wild dingos you wake up having your face chewed off. And hair that looks like it got attacked by a flea treatment.


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Vanderpump Rules Tom Sandoval

The Max dramas are an extension of earlier issues Jax was having with Tom 1. Jax and Tom 1 went to a sneaker cleaning store (#OnlyInLA) where he proceeded to lecture Tom about how his relationship sucks and called Ariana Madix “bitchy.” Jax’s takes issue with Ariana sometimes calling Tom out on his shit. Which is called having an adult relationship based on mutual respect. Unlike Jax’s marriage which is based on Brittany serving him ham sandwiches from a platter held by her titties. Also didn’t you just love how the producers kept in footage of Jax wiping snot off his coke nose like a bratty kid.

Tom doesn’t bother internalizing anything Jax has to say. He just delicately suggests that Jax mind his own business. Jax interprets this to mean Tom doesn’t want anyone to know the truth about his relationship with Ariana. Then he blames Tom 1 for tattling to Max about why Jax isn’t at the beach clean-up, thus instigating the rage text-a-thon when Max wondered if he was coming. The whole thing is preposterous.


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It’s evident that the reading level in How To Win Friends and Influence People is beyond Jax’s capabilities, but on the other hand James Kennedy is succeeding. Or maybe that’s AA? Ever since getting sober James is feeling alive. His relationship with Raquel Leviss is the best it’s ever been. Raquel points out that now everyone gets to see how fun and funny James is without her having to constantly insist they don’t know the ‘real James.’

Vanderpump Rules James Kennedy

Also James is finally developing friendships with the people who have ostracized him for years. For instance he’s invited to Max’s beach clean-up and he doesn’t have to go worrying about people dumping garbage on him. Even Lala Kent is proud of him. And Lala’s opinion really matters, you guys! James realizes he couldn’t have done it without the support of Raquel and Lisa Vanderpump, who literally called him every day to check in. Lisa is so impressed with his success she offers him a chance to DJ at SUR again and James cries with happiness. I love sober James!!


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Then there is Scheana Marie who couldn’t get more transparent if she were a pair of mesh panties. Scheana is producing a new litmus test on the outer limits of autotune capabilities, aka a song called “One More Time” about break-up sex. Can autotune take a monkey screeching for bananas and make it sound like a woman singing about relationships? Can autotune have a dolphin be made to sound like it’s having sex? Apparently yes.

Vanderpump Rules Scheana Marie Brett Caprioni

Since Scheana is JUST FRIENDS with Brett Caprioni she asks him to be her co-partner in the accompanying music video which features a raunchy sex scene. Scheana cannot wait to show Dayna Kathan the footage. Dayna is shocked and right back to being irritated about how untrustworthy Scheana is.

Vanderpump Rules Brett Caprioni

When Dayna confronts Brett he claims Scheana bit and sucked his ear so hard he needs plastic surgery to reconstruct his perfect lobes. The event was so traumatic he hasn’t been able brush and style his hair since, because every time he looks in the mirror he flashes back to that horrible reality of him slapping Scheana’s thong-clad ass. Essentially he felt like Scheana violated him.


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Vanderpump Rules Dayna Kathan Lala Kent

Dayna and Lala press Brett on why he would even agree to work with Scheana given that she propositioned him in the past, but you know Brett is a famewhore and any attention/exposure is good for his influencer career, right!? Lala says that Scheana’s problem is that she speaks dolphin, so when a man tells her no, her English-to-dolphin translation computes as “maybe there’s a chance.” Basically Lala implies that Scheana is somewhat of a sexual predator. I think Scheana is trying to ‘be the Rand‘ of all these young, desperate boys by buying their love and dangling a lifestyle in their faces. Albeit a valley version of it.

Vanderpump Rules Scheana Marie

When Brett later tells Scheana he felt she went too far, she grins like a Cheshire Cat and scoffs that it’s called “acting.” Based on Scheana’s IMDB credits which features Skinemaxx soft-core, she’s not wrong!

After the beach cleanup Ariana and Tom have a select few close-ies over for a dinner party. They have to use a plastic folding table and chairs, but it’s the company that counts. Noticeably NOT included in the invitee list were Jax and Brittany. Hmmm…


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Vanderpump Rules Max Boyens Dayna Kathan

And now our producer manipulated storyline of the day! Max still has feelings for Dayna. Just after Stassi Schroeder questioned Dayna about being part of an unintended love triangle between two besties, Max has an epiphany that his feelings are hurt. He’s pretending to be totally cool with Brett and Dayna dating, but in reality, now that Dayna is with another man he wants another chance. This is just preening. Max wants to prove he can best Brett and get Dayna back just so he can dump her again. Still it was kind of fun watching him make a fool of himself fake groveling to Dayna. It’s called acting, you guys! Thankfully Dayna basically told him she knew he was full of shit and that she’s much happier dating Brett.


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Finally Kristen Doute hosts a pop-up shop for James Mae, her erstwhile T-shirt collection. Stassi and Katie Maloney are not attending, but Tom 2 goes to show his support. Isn’t this a parallel universe – Katie is willing to events where James is in attendance, but not ones with Kristen.

Since there’s a 100% chance his card will be declined if he tries to purchase anything, Jax comes with a vendetta instead. First he offers Max an excuse for the rage-texts: it’s because he’s having some mental issues because “Mercury is in Gatorade.” So, I guess Jax is back to having ‘treatments’ with this reiki healer again, huh?!

Jax doesn’t exactly specify what his break-down is over, but everyone knows that Jax is just having center of attention withdrawal. Now that his weddings over and the reality has set in that it’s back to boring old life saddled to Brittany, with no one is fawning all over him and treating him like the No 1 guy, he can’t cope.


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Vanderpump Rules Kristen Doute

Jax has a literal bone to pick with Kristen. It has emerged that Kristen had sex with other guys while claiming to be still technically together with Carter and crying about how much she loves him. Kristen claims she just kissed these other guys, but one them made a sex tape of her giving him a blow job. Jax is upset because he’s been supporting and defending Kristen through all her Carter-breakdowns, but meanwhile she’s doing other guys and lying to everyone about it.

Kristen claims the tape was made “four years ago” and that Carter knows about it, but it just recently surfaced. Jax insists she’s lying and they wind up in a huge argument with Jax storming out of the pop-up. In the interview Kristen confesses that the tape was actually made recently and that, of course, she lied to Jax because she didn’t want him to judge her. Um, judgement by Jax should be the least of anyone’s concerns. However this is adding credence to why Stassi and Katie are over dealing with Kristen’s shit.

Vanderpump Rules Jax Taylor

Color me confused but why isn’t Kristen more upset that someone is sending a sex tape of her around? Or recording her giving oral? Did she know it was being recorded? Why is this crazy scenario just being dropped into the tail-end of the episode like it’s no big deal? Also I thought we were talking about how Brett accidentally made a sex tape with Scheana but now we’re finding out that Kristen made a sex tape too. Maybe Kristen was actually cast in a Scheana Marie music video!? I NEED ANSWERS, PEOPLE. Or maybe I don’t – I’m so bored of Kristen and Jax!


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Vanderpump Rules Brittany Cartwright

That evening Brittany confronts Jax about his outbursts and anger. He basically tells her that he’s already tired of being married and suggests that she maybe take a trip to Kentucky. Yes – this way he can get attention for all his marital woes. That’s as transparent as Scheana’s ‘music video’.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]