Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: The Higher The Heels, The Farther The Fall

Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the ladies bored us to death and then got crotchety and bitchy at Portia's fourth birthday party. I don't know about you, but I always aim to get my drunk on and cause some trouble near the ring-around-the-faux-unicorn corral. Don't step in the shit, girls! 

Before all that there were Househusbands in heels, some really bizarre timing, and a peace offering tree trunk that landed like deadweight and the fall was heard round the BH. Oh, and stage moms from hell! Weeee!

Watching this show makes me think that the zombie apocalypse will come from fillers and Botox eating the brains of the living and causing us to look like melted wax-faced drones incapable of moving our faces and conveying emotions. Brainless and melty faced, the streets of Beverly Hills will be filled with ladies hobbling around similarly to the way Paul Nassif and Mauricio Umansky did in their heels. 

So things begin with Kyle Richards and Adrienne Maloof spending my yearly paycheck on clothes for Portia. Is $300 the standard budget for a birthday present there or is this just price inflation at work because four-year-olds spill a lot and do not need zillion dollar wardrobes (or birthday parties).

Of course the real reason for this shopping trip had absolutely nothing to do with poor scapegoated Portia; the real reason was so Adrienne could talk about her nemesis, Lisa Vanderpump. Apparently Adrienne is ready to put the past behind her but Lisa is unwilling to forgive, that makes Lisa "childish."


Adrienne believes they need to apologize to each other and Lisa also owes HER an apology, yet Adrienne knows that will never happen. Kyle basically tells her waiting for an apology from Lisa will take longer than it would to rehab Adrienne's badly damaged, over-dyed and fried hair. Lisa is "sensitive" Kyle terms it. 

So Adrienne decides to be the bigger person – or in her case be the biggest flower bouquet in history – and apologize just to put the bad blood behind them. Kyle tells us Lisa isn't ready to forgive given that Adrienne made some serious allegations against her and that she Team Lis on this one. 

Moving on, Taylor "Nude Lips" Armstrong is trying to erase her loony lipped inflata-pout by dousing it in several globs of nude concealer. Girl, really, whomever told you that looks cute lied to you. And trying to make them disappear isn't working. Trying to go lipless won't rehab your image either. 

Taylor is hosting a Spanish or, errrr Mexican themed dinner party for the Maloof/Umansky fams. And if you thought for one second she cooked for the five people coming you obviously don't know Miss $100,000 birthday party well enough. Of course she had tacos catered and then had the maid assemble the chips and salsa. You know, I hate to state the obvious – but this is why you're broke, Tay-Tay. Hey Paul's on the market again perhaps you can live the dream of being rich in the zip code after all. 

Over dinner Taylor has an important announcement; her calling in life will all be validated when Mauricio and Paul put on heels and participate in the "Walk A Mile In Her Shoes" Charity event for Domestic Violence. Basically, men put on heels and walk a mile to raise awareness for the cause. It's actually a pretty cool event. 

Interestingly the DV walk is the same day as Portia's party and it's out of town. Kyle awkwardly panics as she says she can push Portia's party's start time back but not reschedule. Are they kidding with this nonsense? This leads me to believe one of two things 1) Portia inviting everyone was actually filmed after Taylor brought up the Walk In Heels event or 2) There be some really, really pathetically bad producer intervention and Kyle is really, really unwilling to piss off Taylor. 

So everyone decides it'll be totally fine to just go to the walk early and then make it back for Portia's afternoon party. 

Adrienne and Paul head over to some shop for large-footed ladies and drag queens called "The Highest Heel In Town" so they can procure shoes for Paul's big strut. I wonder if this is the place that served as the inspiration for the very tacky Maloof Hoof cause it was stripper shoes galore and a ton of hidey. 

Poor Paul, really he is not graceful and strapping on marabou lucite stripper mules did not help things. In the end Paul can't decide between some Wizard of Oz style Ruby Slippers and some KISS-style moon boots so he gets both and then asks Adrienne to get a matching pair as a show of support. Adrienne reluctantly agrees and as far as these two go this was a cute scene. 

Next we check in with new Housewife Yolanda Foster. Yolanda's daughter GiGi is an up-and-coming model who landed some big campaigns and is pretty successful even though she's only 17. GiGi is doing a photo shoot for a new Guess ad and her mom shows up to offer support. And by offer support, I mean she attended the Kris Jenner School of Pimpmomagering and is deploying some Kate Gosselin style nagging and micromanaging. 

Yolanda makes Teresa Giudice seem anti-stage mom. First she basically tells GiGi she better lose weight because in Europe they like the girls really skinny. GiGi weighs about the same amount as Portia. Then she is smothering all over her about what she's wearing, her eye make-up (she doesn't want GiGi looking "too Chinese") – anything and everything. GiGi is very patient with her mom and it was kind of sweet. 

Me thinks Yolanda either yearns for her glory days when she was a successful model or she genuinely does worry about the industry affecting her daughter. OR she's crazy and fancies herself the next Kris J. Scareeee. 

GiGi looks exactly like Yolanda did pre-fillers. With that being said – good genes, bad plastic surgery. 

And it's the day of the Walk A Mile event. The Maloofs fired up the private jet to cart Mauricio (Kyle let him out of her sight!), Taylor, and themselves to Sacramento. On the plane the Maloofs continue their tirade against Lisa and Paul is highly incensed that Adrienne's tabloid accusations means he doesn't get invited to parties with good food. He takes this personally. Mauricio just chalks it up to strong opinions and the need for a civil chat.  Mauricio is like I can't do gossip before coffee. 

Mauricio didn't have time to get heels and Taylor apparently didn't have time to put on make-up cause girl looks wan and washed out. 

At the race, Mauricio borrows shoes from the organizers and ends up with some very uncomfortable pointy-toed 80's pumps while Paul is chilling in the moon boots. I have never seen such ungainly walking in my life! I kept waiting for the clouds to part and RuPaul to descend from the sky with some SheMail and some helpful tips. That, sadly, did not happen, but Mauricio and Paul were awesome sports and really cute crippling themselves the entire mile. 

Meanwhile, Kyle is in full-scale panic mode, racing around in heels, trying to make ponies into unicorns in time for Portia's party. Apparently unicorns don't exist. Kyle seems surprised to learn this. But they're on the cover of her Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper and Lisa Frank is like real, right?

One thing I'll say about Kyle, she throws a good, appropriate kids party. She pretty much carted a full-on carnival and petting zoo into her backyard, along with an open bar, and let the kiddies go to town. Except there were like 9 kids there and 150 adults in cocktail dresses. 

Lisa shows up first. I mean, really and truly she was the first guest on the scene because she was early. Lisa is wearing *gasp* dark teal and the color looks fantastic on her. Lisa needs to leave early for a Villa Blanca wine tasting, but Kyle thinks that's a convenient excuse to avoid Adrienne

Kyle suggests she have a dinner party so that Lisa and Adrienne can make amends and try to work things out, but Lisa succinctly tells her to stay out of it as she is not ready to forgive and everyone needs to stop meddling. And this is why I adore Lisa – she doesn't mince words and she doesn't operate on 'cause drama' mode. 

Lisa is distracted from Adrienne talk by learning there is a llama waiting out front. 'For Me!' she gasps. Her cheeks blushing. She races outside to pet him and gushes all over him, cooing at him. Ken is trouble – Lisa's next "Giggy" might weigh more than 5lbs. 

Lisa decides she must take the llama for a walk, but since one can't exactly walk a llama round the neighborhood the likely place is right through Kyle's house. A seizure-having Kyle follows behind her yelling the whole time. Lisa does not care and I'm pretty sure if Kyle tries to force her into anymore Adrienne nonsense Kyle's going to wake up to find llama poop all over the kitchen. And then Lisa leaves. 

As the party begins Camille Grammer arrives, looking ravishing, and yay! I love Camille. Of course she has brought her friend DD with her. DD is sporting new hair and looks remarkably spruced up. Being ditched by Kelsey was the best thing that ever happened to Camille. 

 Brandi Glanville meanders in, visibly sweating, freaking out, and needing her xanax. Apparently without Lisa there to protect her she feels thrown to the wolves. She finds an unlikely ally in Kyle who advises her to relax and have fun. There's a lot of people and no one is going to start trouble.

Brandi is most concerned about seeing Taylor, who still apparently hates her. Kyle says maybe a kid's party is the perfect place to ease tensions. Look at Splits Richards being the peacemaker. Did girlfriend hire Camille's publicist for an image makeover? 

Kyle uses her now close friendship with Camille as proof that wounds can be healed as an inspirational message to all Housewives finding themselves in trouble with co-star relations. 'Look at us,' she crows. 'We went from insignificant to BFF!' Brandi is not convinced – namely because while Camille is sane, Taylor is not. 

Also making an appearance is Dana Wilkey. She hasn't changed a bit. And unsurprisingly Kim Richards showed up. Kyle is happy. Kim is not. Camille and Dana kind of awkwardly launch onto Kim to ask her about last season's boyfriend, Ken and to see how she's doing. Kim looks nervous and they seem nervous as if they're not sure how to handle her now that's she's rehabbed. 

Meanwhile Brandi is still on pins and needles and freaking out. Finally Taylor waltzes in and clearly Brandi has a reason to be wary. Taylor overly-effusively greets Camille and gushes all over her while completely icing out Brandi who is seated right next to Camille. It was hella awkward and Camille had that knowing Camille look in her eyes. Brandi tattles to Kyle about how Taylor was mean and unfortunately Kyle is too busy acting as the high priestess of unicorn poop to put Taylor in time out. 

Speaking of poop, Kyle was guarding that pile of ca-ca like it's going to turn to rainbows and gold any second. Kyle just doesn't seem to be getting it that the unicorns aren't real – and they aren't even convincing representations. For what she paid for the petting zoo, I'd be pissed. Baretting a felt horn on a pony's head does not a unicorn make. Where were the mother effing wings? And since unicorns do, in fact, poop like real poop why weren't they in a pen?

And while poop and ca-ca are happening Mauricio, Paul, and Adrienne finally appear. Paul heads straight to the food. He's famished. Adrienne hovers over him tracking every bite. Then she starts complaining that Lisa bailed early. Adrienne seems to believe everyone is "protecting" Lisa and is afraid to tell her how immature she's being. I disagree. I think it's Adrienne who needs called out. 

Sensing now is the time to make her escape, Brandi bails sending Kyle and Camille a text to let them know the unicorns are not keeping the hating at bay and she sensed a storm brewing on the horizon because Taylor was hitting the open bar.

Rainbow Brite, Brandi is not so she decided to make like fairies and disappear. Brandi should at least be confident in the fact that she had on the cutest dress. Kyle is confused – she thinks there were enough people there that Brandi could have avoided drama. I tend to think Brandi was making a mountain out of a molehill, or maybe Brandi is just way, way smarter than we give her credit for and she knew it would be bad news if she stuck around. 

And then almost as soon as Brandi exits stage left, Taylor starts raising the drama meter to 11. She first corners Kim, who doesn't like Brandi either,  to let her know that Brandi told Yolanda she slept with everyone in Beverly Hills. Which Brandi said clearly as a joke. Then she departs this wisdom to Adrienne, whose antenna start to perk up from underneath her brassy colored wig (I'm convinced Adrienne is really an alien). And then she lets Camille know Brandi is like the most massive slut ever and probably even slept with Kelsey.

Taylor tries to get Kyle to corroborate her story, but Kyle is all like, no way am I getting in the middle of that. Brandi slashes tires! Kyle wafts away and Taylor continues her reign of terror. Maybe she needs to take a trip to the unicorn pen. You know, I wasn't minding Taylor for all 3 minutes… and then: bubble burst! 

I hope Lisa and Brandi bailed together and hit up said wine tasting together and got drunk. Bitches be damned!

So poor Portia, at her birthday party it was unfortunately the forty-year-olds who behaved like children and the children who had a good time, ignored the drama, and just focused on the unicorns. And listen ladies, everybody poops – even unicorns – but it's up to you to avoid stepping in it! 

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