Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: New Nose; Same Frienemies!


Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Orange County. WOO HOO! And the more things change the more things stay the same, eh?

So Vicki Gunvalson has a new mantra – she's renovating, renovating, renovating! Renovating herself, her house, her attitude, her entire face! After seven long seasons she's grown weary of being called Miss Piggy and she's grown weary of being the butt of a zillion jokes. She tossed Brooks Ayers to the curb with a sack full of Hallmark cards and hightailed it Dr. Niccole's office where she got a nose job, some fat injections, and a chin implant. Chinplat 2.0! It's pretty hard to tell what she's going to look like as she's in the settling in phases, which means she looks a little shiny and wonky and lopsided, but um… I'll withhold judgment for now. 

I will not withhold judgment over Vicki's eyelashes. What were those things? Pipe cleaners? Spider legs? They were the worse false lashes I've ever seen. They must be from the Gretchen Christine Bootay Collection. 

Vicki shares that Briana and her husband Ryan have moved in and any day now Vicki will become a grandmother. To prepare for all the changes she has her assistant over to play some kind of drinking game that involves moving furniture while chugging wine. Every time you bang the sofa into the wall you drink or something. ahahahahah! New nose, new living room, same old wino! 



Over at Heather Dubrow's, things haven't changed. She's still micro managing everything and doing that tight-lipped smizey-grimmace that would have Tyra Banks' weave of death smoking. Heather is having a clam bake, except it's not a casual affair, it's a formal sit-down dinner with beach food delivered to the table by a full wait staff. Heather fancies herself right out of Downton Abbey. Lady Dubrow expects strict protocol while serving lobsters and that means no bibs unless they are handcrafted by Chanel. 

Dr. Terry Dubrow is still his jolly old self and he thinks no clam bake is complete without onion rings. This makes Heather's cheek implants meltdown into a plasticy goop as she begins to smoke with rage every time Terry mentions the words "onion ring." Despite many 5-star restaurants serving onion rings with lobster, they are entirely gauche in the Manor of Lady Dubrow and therefore will NOT be served. Ever. Like never, ever, ever in 3 million years. That will sooner happen than Heather shopping at Target and dying her hair blonde. She issues a house-wide memo banning onion rings. 

Also banned from Dubrow Manor: Alexis Bellino. Until Jesus Barbie repents for being fake she can't come over and play. Heather is being like totally mature and having a party where everyone is invited but Lex. 


Yes, Eddie… that's how Tamra makes me feel too. 

And over at Tamra Barney's hovel of domestic blitchery, she's moved in with Eddie and things couldn't be… worse! First of all his decor is straight up bachelor pad which makes Tamra's botoxy face twitch in a rat-like way. He's like not totally excited about her actually being there with all 19 of her kids. They're also business partners, but Tamra owns 51% to his 49% of CUT Fitness. I have to wonder with all this domestic unrest happening, is Eddie still humpable? Please say no because if I ever have to relive that bathtub porn moment I might claw my own eyes out. 

Briana is at the hospital giving birth. After 17 hours in labor she has to get an emergency c-section and we welcome baby Troy. Congratulations to the new parents – and to Vicki too. WOO HOO!  

Absconding Vicki's happy news is Bitchy and Bitchifers, Tamretchen. Gretchen Rossi goes shopping with Tamra, which is code for complaining about Vicki and Alexis. They learn from Heather that Briana is in labor. Tamra is six shades of butt-hurt and bad blonde hair dye that she wasn't the first person to get the call. 

She's also mad that Vicki sent her "the nastiest email" blaming her for their friendship falling apart. They're officially NOT SPEAKING cause Vicki is a bitch and Tamra is a perfect specimen of human perfection. When she looks in the mirror she sees Heather staring back at herself, we on the other hand see the Wicked Witch of the West. 

Gretchen is wearing some seafoam, sheer lace, bedazzled lingerie looking monstrosity while they shop, her hair looks great though. She is Tamra's compadre in cackling over everyone's misfortune. Up next on the hit list is Alexis. Her friendship with Gretchen is over and naturally it's all Alexis' fault for being a fake, phony, user, wannabe, poser unlike the totally real and authentic Tamwretchen!

Gretchen complains about Alexis saying she was bullied and goes on this big PSA rant, as if we forgot her whining about being bullied for about 3 seasons until Tamra took her under her wing. 

Alexis is also a liar, Tamra explains, and "Jesus doesn't like liars." Doesn't he now? I didn't know Tamra was in persona communication with His Lord Our Savior. Do they hit up the gym together?

Screen Shot 2013-04-02 at 10.53.15 AM

Speaking of Liars whom Jesus expressly doesn't like, over at the Bellinos they have FINALLY bought a new house. I hope they manage to hang onto this one for more than a year. And keeping up with the fakery, they have a new tacky art gallery full of Z-Gallerie artifacts installed. 

Alexis has a new hairstyle and a new sassy demeanor with Jim. She wears the hotpants now, not quite the pants but she does have more pull and they are happier than ever. She takes issue with some of his art choices though – like the naked torso that will corrupt their impressionable son.  

Jim takes issue with Alexis' wardrobe (SO DO I!) which is basically one step away from being naked. Alexis scoffs, 'Jesus wants me to be happy! And close to him. And I'm closest to him the way I came into the world, free of garments. Don't you understand this croptop is an ode to his creation of me!' 

Alexis and Jim agree that the ladies of Orange County are vicious shrews who plotted to attack Alexis. It's Ambush 101 Jim screeches. Is that a class they teach at community college? Alexis echoes that Tamra stole her best friend. Really and truly this conversation took place. 

And over at Gretchen's house, Slave Slimey has FINALLY finally gotten a job! He's hosting RadioSlade and Gretchen thinks this deserves praise. She is gloating and glowing and guffawing as she announces SLAVE LEAVES THE HOUSE NOW! 

Since Slave is no longer at her beck-n-call to spoon cold spaghetti sauce over some pasta while waddling around carrying a Gretchen Christine Plasti-Sak, she has to call him at work for instructions on how to work the Keurig. I thought Alexis was supposed to be the dumb one?

Slave's employment is like totally harshing Gretch's vibe; she has to make her own coffee and check her own emails. And it's like hard. I mean she even has to dress herself – a process she hasn't quite figured out yet which is why she's bumbling around in PJs and a full face of make-up. 

On clam bake day, Tamra is in the limo headed to Heather's, but first she is picking up Gretchen. As Tamra rambles on about how horrible Vicki is Eddie doesn't even bother to mask his contempt. Am I going to start liking him more this season? All signs point to yes! Since Vicki is friends with Heather she'll be attending this party and Tamra does not like it. Vicki is to Tamra what onion rings are to Heather. 

"She's mean and loud and everything is always somebody else's fault!" is how Tamra describes Vicki. Funny – I thought she was talking about herself. Speaking of mean and loud and unable to take responsibility, Tamra picks up her partner in blonde, Gretchen. And they're wearing the same exact outfit. Oh hahahahha! Twins. Evil twins. 

They rag on Vicki's new face and gossip. Gretchen starts ranting about how Vicki is going to pinpoint Slave making fun of her as the reason she got plastic surgery cause evvvvrything 'bout Tamretchen! Eddie zones out and imagines the free wine he'll soon be consuming…

Screen Shot 2013-04-02 at 10.55.01 AM

Vicki is nervous about walking into the lion's den. She took Ambush 101 via Jim's online school. She's also nervous about debuting her new face.  

And Heather is the ballsy ass minx who wears a white lace dress to a clam bake. Apparently she has no worries about dribbling butter sauce down her front. As Tamretchen show up they are still obsessing about dealing with Vicki. They don't want to sit by her and ewwww… she's not my friend, she's your friend. Heather has that patronizing frozen smile on her face and Eddie contemplates jumping off the cliff into the ocean. 

Then Vicki comes walking in and she's not really about getting into it with anyone for fear of smudging her new face. Did I mention this party consists of about 8 guests? Awwwwkward! Tamretchen hover and overly-analyze how to handle the Vicki problem while they ignore each other. Should Tamra say hello, she they avoid each other? This is SO high school. How about just have manners, be cordial, and say hello?

Eddie swallows some of his own bile and stares out over the ocean. Many moons ago he was a free man, with clean beige carpet and a bigscreen TV and beer for dinner. And then he met Tamra… 

Next week the awkward phoniness continues, but at least everyone's hair is looking considerably better this season. And I think the drama should be juicy. I'm excited. 

[Photo Credits:]