Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills we dismantled the rambles of Kim Richards, warbled together with the whir of the YoDa Private Aeronautic Experience (MyLoveAir) as Kimterrorization continued. Kim really needs to come with instructions if she’s going to act like Kingsley all the time! You know what they say: like mother, like Pit Bull! I hope Lisa Rinna brought her Louis Vuitton bodybag with her on this trip, because the way things are going – someone is gonna need it! Especially since the Fosters definitely roll gangsta in the trip department – shi, shi, shi!
Before we hit the high airs to Amsterdam, Yolanda Foster hosts a scavenger hunt around Beverly Hills. You would think an event about competitive shopping would be fun for our ladies, but Yo had to go ahead and ruin it by forcing them to wear sneakers and drink a milkshake.
Yolanda had custom made “Dream Team” t-shirts in a variety of colors for the ladies,. including extra-special throwback Camille Grammer, who was scoring points based on most pernicious behavior. Naturally Brandi Glanville was the champion of the world.
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The scavenger hunt operators announce the rules: there will be three team captains and “random” team selection, walking or running is required. “Random” team selection means Yolanda (Team Captain 3) “randomly selects” a custom made Dream Team (hearts were secretly drawn on the tags of their shirts) comprised of Lisa Vanderpump and Lipsa. “Random” also means that Team Nightmare contained Kyle Richards and Boozdi. And “randomly” Eileen Davidson is stranded with Rambles, who hates Eileen because she is a nice person who cares. How dare she! Brandi and Kim reach for each other desperately, their enable-ration anxiety kicking in!
Upon learning she’s stuck with Brandi, Kyle looks like someone shat in her shampoo. Is that ever a team of competitive attention whoring! Off they go. First to open a combination lock using pig latin clues to secure a map. No one on Kyle’s team can read words other than Chanel or count numbers that don’t have dollar signs in front of them.
Then it’s on to some ice cream shop to drink a milkshake. Kyle is put in the most awkward predicament of her life (no, her credit card wasn’t declined at the Neiman’s white sale – what movie is THAT from?!): how to tell Brandi they won’t be sharing a straw with her, without getting a milkshake dumped on her face. “Would you put your mouth on something that touched Brandi’s lips?” she asks. (NO) Since Kyle’s CHANEL fanny pack is too small for lysol, they split the shake into three different cups.
Eileen’s team is in first place, but they have a severe handicap – KIM. Her knee hurts, she’s lactose intolerant, chocolate makes her gag because one time she was forced to consume opium-laced chocolate lava cake at Rob Lowe’s house in 1982 and she accidentally went home with Donny Osmond, ending up in a Mormon Temple wearing a lace dicky and singing about special underpants. Now her life story has become a Broadway Musical which Kyle stole from her. Eileen stops at McQueen for a muzzle.
On Yolanda’s team, LVP is unaccustomed to walking in flats and has developed an ailment preventing her from using a normal stride. She had to remind herself several times to stop tiptoeing. “Next time can we do this in Neiman Marcus?” she gripes. At the milkshake store Yolanda has a meltdown – it would seem Yo has never tasted the forbidden fruit of ice cream and panics over what flavor to order, chaos ensues when each Lisa orders a different flavor not realizing they have to actually consume the entire milkshake. Yolanda barks orders like the finest Soviet Drill sergeant demanding they chug. Lord help her children if they ever become competitive eaters. They are in last place.
There was A LOT of complaining on this scavenger hunt – because none of these ladies have eaten sugar not found in alcohol since 1985. Yes, lots of calories on this scavenger hunt, which is surprising considering it was planned by YoFridgidaire of the 2 almond dinner. The ladies of RHOBH probably took the organizers to court in a class action lawsuit for ruining their figures, with Kyle and Eileen demanding additional monies for pain and suffering, citing mentally unstable teammates. Camille was too busy writing The Art Of Housewives War, illustrated edition, to notice.
In the third stop at the candy store, Kim stands around whining and spinning in circles while Eileen does all the work. Before they’ve figured out the clue Kim leaves the store – Eileen curses Kyle for not giving her the Chanel leash. “I don’t know Kim very well, but I get the feeling she just does whatever she wants,” assesses Eileen. Eileen doesn’t know Kim very well, but yet she knows Kim so well.
They end up BACK at the candy shop because Kim whines that they don’t get the clue about going to Location E. When they return Team Kyle is there also and both teams race together to the finish line, which is Villa Blanca. Yolanda’s team cheats when LVP can take no more of Yo’s micromanaging, so she hitches a ride on the back of a Harley and roars off into the sunset, with “Free Ride” bellowing behind her.
At Villa Blanca, Eileen’s team wins, and they all have to complete a puzzle for the next leg of their journey: Amsterdam! LVP, who has returned from re-enacting Easy Rider is on a high, she reminisces about the time she toured with Eddie Van Halen, and ended up stoned and spread eagle on a pool table. It turns out Brandi isn’t the only one with Drinking & Dating shenanigans. Lisa smirks that she may just partake in a toke or two.
In the highlight of the episode, Brandi, who should be fired from this show save for a role as the omnipotent impressionist, gives a hilarious impersonation of LVP smoking a doobie and demanding a “peanut butter and giggy sandwich.” Best 30 seconds in RHOBH history.
Before Amsterdam, the girls will be headed to Calgary for David Foster‘s annual gala for the David Foster Foundation, benefitting David Foster’s Ego with special guest, David Foster’s Hubris, provided by David Fosters My Love, My King Federation. I kid – actually The David Foster Foundation benefits children needing organ donations and is awesome. The ladies first prepare their husbands for their absence, before preparing their luggage.
Kyle lectures 1 of her 2 remaining daughters on how to use the toothbrush (the Prada toothpaste is mommy’s special blend – do not touch!) while making Kugel with buttered Chanel noodles and eggs from the golden goose at Gucci. Lipsa’s nanny will make sure the kids don’t touch her closet and the dog doesn’t defecate in the house because Harry has no idea how to unlock the back door. Lipsa’s daughter turns her nose up when mommy offers to loan her a jacket from Target. “I only wear Tarjay,” she snips, heading over to Kyle’s house of empty luxury promises, for keeping up with the Vanderpump lessons.
Brandi conspires with her be-oranged and be-desperate live-in hairdresser/house-guest/low-rent wannabe Cedric 2.0. She worries that Amsterdam is a bad location for the trip because pot is “all around” and will be a threat to Kim’s sobriety. CLEARLY Brandi has never been to Amsterdam, and she’s fine with getting wasted in front of Kim every day, but worries about pot?!
Eileen and LVP will be missing Calgary since they have to work. What they missed is a ride on the YoDa Enterprise, flying the high skies on the scent of platinum-laced lemon and leather made from repurposed unicorn hide, seatbelts of pavé diamonds custom-designed by Cartier. Babyface will be riding shotgun. Unfortunately all was ruined when Rambles decided to yell at Lipsa over patisseries, imported from the mountains of France and made by a secret order of nuns who infuse them with a potion for youth everlasting. It was the lap of luxury meets, the underbelly of discount.
Apparently Brandi felt it was her “duty” to tell Rambles that Lipsa has been gossiping behind her back and questioning her sobriety, and Brandi just believes Kim should be warned. What Brandi FAILED to mention is that SHE is also gossiping about her BFF’s sobriety and thinks she needs help. On the tarmac, Kim complains to Kyle about people talking about her.
On the plane, Kim stares at Lipsa with daggers in her eyes, until Lipsa asks, “Are you mad at me?” Causing Kim to shriek at her for being involved in her business and thinking she knows what’s going on. Every time Lisa apologizes Kim growls at her to “drop it!” or “Let it be!” Kyle retreats under her Chanel blanket, positioning the interlocking C logo upwards. Lisa looks stung.
Is there an eject seat on YoDa’s floating air-time continuum? It’s time for Rambles to take a parachute home to her secrets. And Kingsley.
In Calgary, Lisa, Yo, and Kyle ride to the David’s gala together because, go figure – Kim and Brandi are late (I guess enabling is time consuming!). And speaking of “figure” – Kyle is wearing a black lace jumpsuit, with a plunging v-neck – straight out of the Blades of Glory costume department. Goodbye Kaftans, Hello Kleavage!
In the limo the topic of conversation is what the dickens is wrong with Kim Richards?! She is possessed suggests Yolanda. She needs vitamins and a cleanse. I can help her. Lisa tells Kyle she never meant to hurt Kim’s feelings and she felt like a scolded child. Kyle, using “I” statements (“I… statements” are her preferred medium of communication), wants to stay out of it. But, as Lisa recounts watching Harry’s brothers pass away from addiction, Kyle wonders if Lisa was so emotionally invested in Kim’s sobriety because of Harry’s alcoholism. BOOM! Lisa handled without embarrassment, or shame, as she talked about Harry’s decision to stop drinking and how positive that has been.
Hearing that Harry once struggled with addiction brings a poignancy to Lisa’s desire to help Kim. “Your heart was in the right place,” Yolanda counsels. And she’s right. One thing about Lipsa (and Lisa) – they walk the walk.
At the Gala, Kim is trying her best to ice out Lipsa and be the center of attention, but she is quickly upstaged by… everything. Mostly Kyle, because Steven Tyler is a guest performer and Kyle is OBSESSED! She bum-rushes the stage during his performance, throws her bra on Steven’s head, and is rewarded with a kiss! Now we know why Kyle wore that jumpsuit! Steven Tyler – take Kyle away!! Put those cheating scandal tabloids in your suitcase,
Of course, I am worried that the cameras missed some critical moments – the moments where Brandi was doing shots at the open bar, dropping f-bombs during Jennifer Hudson‘s performance, before finally crawling into Steven’s lap and offering him fellatio (Is that Moroccan? What is this felate, a gourmet fish entré?). Kyle would have killed her. Which could have been interesting…
Then it’s on to Amsterdam. In the airport Kyle misplaced her carry-on bag, which contains all her jewelry. God forbid anyone find out she has fake LV luggage, containing costume jewelry from QVC! Yolanda suggests a coffee (of course!) while they wait – it takes an hour – Kim and Brandi are annoyed. Good lord the Twisted Richards sisters – Kim hates when Kyle gets attention of any kind, and Kyle hates when anything isn’t about her!
On the escalator, Kim has difficulty getting her baggage cart situated and almost trampled Brandi in the process. Kyle could have helped, but when she realized it was Brandi in peril, she had a pressing email matter. Mauricio isn’t sure how to turn on the toaster – or even what it is – he thought it was the dishwasher, which he then couldn’t open and he’s actually not sure what toast is, so he fed Portia an earring. Kyle is annoyed because she has a special toaster that stamps the Chanel logo on bread and now she’s worried Maurice destroyed it.
Outside Kim freaks out at Kyle for always blaming her and laughing at her when she’s late, but Kyle is allowed to make everyone else wait an hour for her bag. First of all, there is a HUGE difference between being 2 days late for a vacation (because you can’t tell the difference between a passport and a vibrator, then end up smoking the end of a lipgloss tube from 1977, while trying to use your daughter’s kindergarten student ID to board a plane), and being 1 hour late because you misplace a suitcase. Second of all how is any of this KYLE’s fault? Seriously…
On the bus to the hotel, an upset Kyle hides behind massive sunglasses, while Kim whines to Yolanda about how Kyle never supports her.
I wish someone would have brought their nanny with them, because Kim needs full-time childcare for her tantrums and demands. She also needs a timeout – in another country. Maybe Antarctica is accepting Beverly Hills refugees from the permanently immature, self-absorbed, unable to take responsibility for anything, whiny bitch society?
TELL US – WAS KIM OUT OF LINE CONFRONTING LISA ON THE PLANE, OR IS LISA MEDDLING? WOULD YOU SHARE A STRAW WITH BRANDI?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]