Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Everything’s Broken

Kyle Richards cries over her relationship with Kim

We’ve left Amsterdam but we haven’t left the Twisted Sisters Richards on international soil! Brandi Glanville ditched the “Menopause Mamas” of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills to hang out with someone her own age. And I realized Brandi and Kim Richards are essentially the same person, with the same behavior patterns and coping skills. 

The ladies start off the last leg of their Tour de Denial at the flower market. Earlier, while they were biking through the city Lisa Vanderpump saw a friend of her son Max. Brandi got to chatting… and other things… with said 23-year-old – lo and behold he asked her on a date, after spending the night with her. Are we sure they weren’t biking through the Red Light district? Isn’t dating your former bestie-turned-enemy-turned-stalking/slapping-recipient’s son’s friend a little, I dunno… Lifetime Movie creepy? I mean I can just picture Sela Ward playing the role of LVP. 

Brandi, wearing a Fred Flintstone costume, recounts to Kim about “play slapping” Lisa. Kim laughs that uptight Lisa can’t take a joke – like that one time super sober champion soberling Kim joked about Harry doing evil, awful things and Lisa Rinna having evil, awful secrets… does Harry keep a people-eating troll in the basement?! 


Yolanda Foster is bopping around in wooden clogs, purchasing yellow roses, because they signify hope, or at least wishful thinking. Brandi is buying green roses, which signify wishful drinking. 

Lisa doesn't want Brandi's apology - even with flowers!

They are apology flowers for LVP for “The Slap.” And now a fable: Boozdi Drunkville had a big drink. Boozdi Drunkville never does think. All of Amsterdam’s flowers and post-adolescent men, couldn’t put Lisa and Brandi back together again. Brandi will huff, and she’ll puff, and she’ll wine and she’ll whine ’til she ruins your reputation with lies online.

Brandi will huff and she’ll puff and she’ll cry victim too, her cheated on heart is always the excuse. But Lisa, won’t let the wolf of Boozdi in. Her house is made of diamonds, guarded by Pomerinjas and Attack-Swans, and no matter how much Boozdi grovels or how many stolen olive branches she extends, Lisa’s not giving her another chance to blow her house (or her reputation) in. 

Lisa won’t accept Brandi’s apology because Brandi never learns. Essentially Brandi is the girl who cried “Sorry.” Lemony- happy innocent burying her face in sunny yellow roses, Yolanda begs Lisa to give Brandi another chance so they can teach her.

Lisa is over it. “Do you have any other friends who would throw a drink in your face?” she asks. Or ask BabyFace about finger banging? Or sit on your husband’s lap. Or… the list really goes on forever, like the song that never ends, written by David while floating on an twinkling-ivory muzackal portal. “She’s your asshole, she’s not mine,” declares LVP, pawning the dregs of Boozdi onto Yo. Maybe an organic lemon scrub can clean her up?

Yolanda clicks her wooden heels together and wishful thinks about that time Julio Iglesias took her out on a date.

Back at the hotel, Lisa calls Ken about Brandi. “Oh God! Get away from her,” he gasped, clutching Giggy closer and covering his furry innocent ears. Ken is beyond tired of hearing of the shenanigans of Brandi. 

Yolanda tries to reason with Brandi

Before dinner Yolanda drops by Brandi’s room to try again (she tried to soften the blow of a lecture by borrowing one of Brandi’s boob-flashing dresses). Brandi has become the “common denominator” in most of the issues. “At some point you need to take responsibility for your actions. Sorry isn’t good enough at some point,” a frustrated Yolanda patiently explains. “And, now what, we’re gonna sit again at dinner, faking it?” Yo – dealing with Brandi is like herding a cat, or in Brandi’s case, a naughty hello kitty. 

Brandi’s plan is to “stop trying” with the other ladies. Maybe she should start trying to act like a decent human being instead?

“Ugh – is this like a mom lecture?” Brandi snaps. She’s not going to dinner with the “Menopause Mamas” because she has a hot date with a child. HA! To Brandi there is nothing worse than acting maturely and aging gracefully. Brandi looooves them 23-year-olds! She gets older, they stay the same age. <Dazed & Confused reference>

Brandi's 23-year-old

At least Brandi will be dining with someone on her level. In theory. It turns out 23-year-old Andre has more class and maturity that the chardonnay-guzzling B! He’s late arriving, giving Brandi time with her true love: wine. Then she giggles at Andre and they french kiss. 

The final dinner in Amsterdam

At the other dinner, the ladies are laughing and ignoring KimKillah, who has taken a tranquilizer and is on her best behavior without the fuel to her fire, Brandi. They ponder live-sex shows and Lisa tells stories of pingpong-playing vaginas in Thailand. It was good fun.

Then it was back to Beverly Hills, where whatever Kyle Richards was doing on that pilates machine belonged in a live-sex show. She discovered Mauricio had been washing dishes by throwing them in the pool, thus ruining the Chanel pool liner. “Why didn’t you call the housekeeper,” she gasps. “Woooooow,” Mauricio replies, “Is that what the scratching in the basement was? I thought you put Kim down there…” 

Kyle and Lipsa get dinner where, sadly, Lisa gets yanked right back into the middle of KimKillah’s Super Sonic Sober Life. Kyle is frustrated that her relationship with Kim never changes, and Lisa is like duh Kim is a hot-wreck of lies, denials, and manipulations! She’s the one who tricked you into buying a $12,000 electric toothbrush by lying about Hermés making it and saying Yolanda has 3 of them, but her bristles are made with real pony hair! Kyle just doesn’t know what to do? Should she confront Kim?! Lipsa says Kyle should blame Brandi, who told her Kim needs an intervention, but is too fragile to hear the truth. Also Brandi was afraid to tell Kyle about Kim’s extracurricular activities.

“You mean, Kim isn’t training for the Super Special Sober-lympics and volunteering at the Soberist Society?” Kyle’s mouth drops.

Lisa Rinna is forced to confront Kyle about Brandi and Kim

Did it dawn on Lipsa that she was set-up? Brandi asked her to talk to Kyle about Kim, because Brandi “couldn’t.” Lipsa took the bait. Even Lipsa agrees, Brandi is afraid of “best friend” Kim knowing she questions her sobriety. At least now Kyle knows why Lipsa and Eileen Davidson were worried – other than the pill-popping poker night, of course!

“So Brandi is telling people that she has the same concerns about my sister that Eileen and Lisa do, but she’s not saying it to my sister’s face?!” Kyle seethes. “That is not a good friend. This is exactly the kind of thing I’ve been warning my sister about!” 

Finally Kyle has ammunition against Brandi – ding, dong the wicked bitch is dead: LVP hates her, now Kim will and everyone will LOVE Kyle, who will be heralded as a hero and can finally wear her Chanel super-heroine cape to parties! 

Kyle decides to invite Kim to her new house in Palm Desert for the weekend so they can “reconnect.” Meanwhile Kim catches-up with Adrienne Maloof, who is planning some sort of circus party to announce that she has finally found a way to turn back time. Kidding! I had a startling realization: Adrienne and Brandi look almost indistinguishable with their plastic surgery – maybe Kim has been confusing B for A this whole time?!

Adrienne Maloof returns!

Kim says Adrienne is easy to talk to, because her face doesn’t move to register emotions and you can’t tell what she’s thinking, so Kim misrepresents what happened with Lipsa in Amsterdam, then blames Kyle for not supporting her. In Kim’s super-sober dream world she did NOTHING wrong! She was petting a rainbow pony named Delilah and eating yummy brownies, when all of the sudden a big bad blowfish barged in and accused her of being high and imagining everything. And Kyle just hopped on her glitter dolphin and floated away on a river of Kim’s Kool-Aid tears. Adrienne thinks she’s seen that on a trapper keeper somewhere, and suggests Kim talk to Kyle about how she’s feeling.

In Kim’s world, Kim defended her own honor while Kyle, as usual, was the bad, bad, TERRIBLE sister who agreed with Lipsa instead of supporting Kim. 

Yolanda and Brandi have a

And also doing an “intervention” is Yolanda, who takes Brandi for facials, while she wanders around with a “vitamin IV” in her arm. Is that legal? Brandi shares her dad is in the hospital (Uhhh… you’re getting a facial now?!). She also complains that the other women mistreat her and hold her to a different standard

Yolanda tries with Brandi, she tries to be an unHollywood friend, but Yolanda is not a doctor and should stop trying to treat Brandi. And Brandi doesn’t want to hear the truth, so this will be the death knell in Brandi and Yo’s friendship. 

Lisa Vanderpump officiates a wedding at PUMP

In the midst of it all, LVP officiates a gay wedding at PUMP – it was lovely and adorable. Although I was expecting more glitter on her officiant’s robe. 

Kyle heads to the desert for a weekend with Kim. Kyle’s eyes glint in the sun. Luxury convertibles and vacation homes are nice, but throwing Brandi’s backstabbing in her sister’s face is true happiness!

When Kim arrives, she immediately asks where the “misters” are. The two didn’t speak the entire time they were in Amsterdam – or since they returned. Kyle makes dinner, while Kim stomps around looking for misters. Then they sit-down and start arguing because Kim is tired of the way Kyle treats her, which is why she’s turned to the ever-loving Brandi! Kim blames Kyle for the “very personal questions” Lipsa was asking about her sobriety because never Kyle defends her. 

“Do you not get this is stemming from Eileen’s house?!” Kyle gasps, insisting she told everyone Kim has been sober since rehab except that slip-up. “I didn’t need your help,” Kim retorts. “Brandi defended me!” That’s when Kyle reveals what Kim’s “best friend” has been telling Lipsa. But Kim accuses Kyle of lying. Of course, according to Kim, Kyle lies about a lot of things – like how she got this brand new house in Palm Desert, which she is throwing in Kim’s face – she stole it! Just like she steals everything: Kim’s glory, Kim’s success, Kim’s Denial… 

Kyle is furious at Kim

Kyle reminds Kim they bought her out of “mom’s house,” but Kim claims Kyle gave Kathy more money and shafted her, then didn’t even tell her when they were selling it. In the middle of it, Kyle realizes she burned the low-fat chicken breasts because she can’t work anything in this “electronical” mansion she traded for the house of hollow memories that she loved in a vain attempt to keep up with Fosters – she even put a Baby Grand in the living room! Now she and Mauricio have made it! They have paved their way with Chanel tiles and solid gold light fixtures crafted by Cartier. But not Kim, she’s still standing outside the window of the old house, wondering why Kyle won’t let her in. 

“Everything you say is a twisted lie!” Kyle gasps reminding Kim SHE insisted Farrah and Brooke share the listing. Kim seems to believe she was owed a portion of the sale price. “I’m so done with you and your f–king lies,” Kim screeches. “Talk about your sh-t!”

Kim blames Kyle for everything that's wrong with her life

She tries the old emotional manipulations, but Kyle, seeing how Kim pulled that crap on Lipsa, resists. “I thought when you went to rehab we were starting from scratch – why is this happening again?” she asks. Kyle realizes their relationship will always be brushing dirt under a Persian rug. 

They end in the kitchen, with Kyle silently crying as Kim bustles around trying to salvage the burnt organic chicken, promising it will be alright. “Kim and I want to have a better relationship, I just don’t know if we’re capable of it…” Kyle recognizes. 

Kyle: Sleep with one eye open in your fabulous new home – that you stole from Kim!

Will Kim & Kyle ever rebuild?


[Photo Credits: Bravo]