Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills played a game called Intervention Telephone, but when it finally got back around to Brandi Glanville, she couldn’t remember what she even said, so she just played dumb and ran.
The Twisted Sicksters Richards are still stranded in Palm Desert after the histrionic horrors of YOU STOLE MY HOUSE! Kim Richards insists she’s grown-up and is waiting for Kyle Richards to treat her like the “healthy, sober older sister who can take care of her life.” Except stupid Kyle is all Kim can’t even tell a vibrator from a lipstick and a Tuesday from a toadstool and God! Do I have to do everything, even cook eggs?! Man, if I were Kyle I would have put Ex-lax in the bitch’s eggs!
Yeah, they ate eggs instead of dealing with the destruction of the night before when Kim hoarsely screeched at Kyle to give back her house right. now. Or ELSE healthy big sober super sister Kim was going to destroy her with her inventive memory and her super weapon: the gossiping drunken lips of Boozdi, a super-villain who will swoop down from the valley with lies of attrition. Kyle meekly says she’s surprised Kim stayed after what happened, Kim just eats and plots to set a bag of Kingsley’s dog poop on fire and throw it on the grill.
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Then Kim tells Kyle she won’t be inviting Brandi to Nicky Hilton‘s book signing, happening at Kaftans By KyleQueen Of Delusion, because it’s a “family event.” Yeah, apparently family event meant that the only people who showed up were related to Nicky, or Kyle by way of reality TV.
Kyle makes a big gushing deal about how fashionable Nicky is – if you think kaftans are “on fleek” Nicky is some type of idiot fashion savant. Ugh – does Kyle really think Nicky and Paris are still a thing people care about like this is 2004?! As evidenced by the paltry turn-out at Nicky’s book signing, they’re not. Kyle and Kim are so stuck in the past. In so many ways! She wouldn’t be a Richards if she weren’t completely living in the past and calling it the present, right?!
Kim comes to the party channeling Brandi in Amsterdam by wearing a big fur Fred Flintstone vest – it was a mind game to play on Kyle, reminding her Brandi is there in spirit. Always. Kim also spritzed herself with chardonnay. The worst part: Kyle sells that vest at her store but Kim didn’t buy it there! Kyle went and cried in a kaftan to Lisa Vanderpump about how awkward and strained things are even though they’re pretending it’s all normal. Still, Kyle believes things are better than before they went to Palm Springs, she just needs Kim to talk to Brandi about “InterventionGate.”
All this time Kathy Hilton is wandering around dough-faced; maybe she was just confused about who gave Nicky a book deal?
The very best part of the party was when Paris walked in and Yolanda Foster looked her up and down with the best side-eye condescension ever! Yolanda didn’t say hello, she just said nothing, and when Paris walked away, Yo smirked. Also Camille Grammer wore a dress with eyes on her tits and flirted shamelessly with a faux Prince of Denmark who was like a parody from 1980’s teen movie – he was one monocle away from looking like Planter’s Mr. Peanut. Camille can do better – she’s dated enough nuts.
Meanwhile Lisa Rinna is at home dismantling her daughters’ swing set and explaining she’ll literally cut a bitch who messes with her family. So now that Lisa has literally talked about Kim to every single person on RHOBH at every single event, she’s now cutting Kim out of her life. “Who the f–k is Kim Richards in this world to say anything about my life,” she snaps. And Who the f–k is Brandi to know anything about anyone’s life, either!
Maybe all will be resolved at Adrienne Maloof‘s party to advertise… something. LVP smirks with slightly perceptible shade that the only time Adrienne has a dated and tacky party is when she’s promoting something – (something tacky-ass). Last night did not disappoint – it was Cirque du Soleil-ish, back when that was all the rage ala the era of Paris and Nicky, featuring Adrienne performing magic tricks. The irony: Adrienne’s big dramatic performance was the least dramatic thing happening – no one even realized she was there!
Now it is time for a Housewives rite of passage – getting dressed for the finale. Everyone straps on their warpaint and battle heels in preparation for rehashing the drama that won’t stay buried. The ghosts of drama, who have been whispering in their ears, will explode from the grave in a spectacular fete. Much like how Adrienne appeared. Never Hungover my ass, more like Drama Never Stops Lingering.
Brandi gets dressed in her dorm room; sitting on the floor while her gay bestie pets her head and tells her not to worry about the mean girls because someday she’ll be pretty and popular and like really rich too. But for now it’s Target lingerie and a white pleather-framed mirror from Z-Gallerie.
Brandi sniffles and puts xanax in her purse because she is NOT going to let Kyle intimidate her with her hair flips. “Nobody told me c-nt started with the letter ‘K,'” Brandi sneered. Well, we all know Bitch starts with a “B!” Sadly Brandi was so busy fretting about Kyle while she was getting dressed she forgot to put her shirt on.
Lisa and Ken have wisely left Giggy home from the party – no need to subject him to this! Kyle is wearing a Jetson’s stripper costume. Was there a risqué cut-out conspiracy happening? Eileen Davidson had one, so did Kim, Camille had several, even Yolanda’s pants had mesh side panels. Eileen looked the best. Brandi’s dress needed a dickie – good lord it was all nipples. I blame the xanax for making even her dress lethargic.
KimKillah gets her makeup done and rambles to her “stylist” about whether or not she should confront Brandi about the conversation with Lisa. Kim has probably been confusing her stylist with her sober coach this whole time…
Brandi is an even bigger mess at the party. Her father is in the ICU and she’s an emotional wreck worrying about him. LVP walks over and says, “I got your email…” cue Brandi unloading on her about how she’s a horrible person who didn’t even call her knowing her dad is sick even though Brandi apologized a million times and is sooooo super, duper sorry she slapped Lisa! Yes, Brandi is pissed at Lisa for not reaching out while her father is “dying,” yet she’s getting facials and partying?!
Lisa handles it pro, literally every nuance. She apologizes for Brandi’s situation, but refuses to be lured in because she met her father one time for a few minutes. “Brandi doesn’t understand the value of friendship,” Lisa explains, which is why she won’t be giving Brandi another chance. And Brandi’s tears – they’re because she didn’t realize what she had lost until it was gone – and LVP was a big loss. Brandi paved paradise and put up a parking lot.
Meanwhile, Kyle is here with an agenda. That agenda is vindication by making Kim realize her “best friend” Brandi is a backstabbing bitch with venom and evil running through her veins. Then KYLE will shove Adrienne off the stage, burst out from behind a kaftan, and be exalted as the world’s best sister. But first she has to corner Lipsa.
She comes for Lipsa – she demands Lipsa tell Kim everything that was said during that conversation with Brandi. You know, the “INTERVENTION” conversation.
Kim, too, has an agenda – to confront Lisa over the LIES she’s spreading! Brandi would never, ever betray a friend. She insists Lisa tell her what she said to Brandi – did Lipsa say “intervention?” All this after Kim demanded Lipsa never talk about her sobriety again – or else. But KimKillah and her memory… is she at Adrienne’s party? Or Michael Jackson’s 17th birthday where they played paintball with liquid gold and ate dinner atop an elephant in Tippi Hedren’s garden?
Kim complains that Lisa ruined her reputation and her family by questioning her sobriety. Mmmm… yeah. Kim does realize this is no longer 1985 when she was a thing? Reputation as long gone as her career. Delusion is a Richards!
Of course, Lisa does learn lessons, kinda. She will no longer go down the treacherous road of the confounding Kimdi friendship. She’s just gonna sit there and talk about Harry’s career, that hilarious time she did a Depends commercial, and how she read Buddha for Dummies by the pool at the Ritz. You know, happy stuff! But it’s too late Lipsa: the messenger has already been shot – and it wasn’t with botox! – because here comes Kyle shriek-whining about how Lipsa is ruining her chance to smite Brandi and snatch the Best Sister EVER crown from from Kathy! “Kim’s gonna believe what she wants to believe,” Lipsa tries to explain. “This is a lose-lose situation for me.” But not for Kyle!
At first Lipsa, again, resists – the loose cannons with loose lips that are Kimdi are scary – but Eileen and LVP insist she must clear things up, because well, duh, she’s pretty much the reason they’re all in this mess as she was the one who had the conversation with Brandi, then told Kyle to tell Kim what was said.
Ergo Lisa decides she’ll talk to Kim – for Kyle. Lisa walks over to Kim to have the discussion and Kim is all “GET AWAY FROM MEEEEE! HEELP! NO! NO! NO! I’m talking to MY sister – I don’t want to talk to you!” Kim doesn’t really want to hear what Lisa has to say – because she knows which fake lips the truth will come from (Not Brandi’s)!
Lisa is shocked and cannot keep up with the tilt-a-whirl of emotional manipulation, so she retreats and tells the bartender to make it a double. She has Harry text their agent – if she comes back next season she has stipulations – like a raise. And she’s gonna figure out how to manufacture Depends with Spanx because all the drama on RHOBH is enough to make a girl poop her designer pants.
Across the party Brandi is crying again, secreting all the wine she drank from her tears. She can’t handle anyone! Lisa warns her that Kim is on the warpath, but she had her back knowing their conversation came from a place of love and concern.
Finally Kim “confronts” Brandi – and it’s all hehehe – let’s have an intervention about your nipples hanging out and that’s the only intervention we’ll ever have because FRIENDS! Brandi backpedals like a Suzanne Somers exercise video from 1992, extolling the wonders of the stationary bike, and tells Kim she was just worried about her and confided in Lipsa who twisted it all around.
Then Lisa sits down to give her side of the story, and I don’t think she was going to throw Brand under the bus. I think she was going to say that yes, they did talk about Kim’s sobriety and yes, Brandi was worried about the pill incident, but don’t worry everyone knows Kim gave herself an award for being the most sober-superton in the sober world and that’s just super! But Kyle and Eileen were standing guard and when Kyle started to interject her two-cents about how Brandi’s lies are as obvious as her nipples, Brandi ran.
Lisa was aghast, left wondering what happened. “Why did I get blamed for everything?! Brandi twisted it around – I was just trying to tell Brandi that she drinks too damn much and acts like an ass… ” Eileen pats Lisa’s hand, “You proved your point, but you also got played. The odds were stacked against you.” Off they go to the bar where Kim is making an obvious show of sniffing a bottle to make sure its NA.
Suddenly Kathy notices Adrienne for the first time. “You do magic now?!” she gasps. Yeah – Adrienne made Brandi disappear.
TELL US – IS LISA TWO-FACED OR IS SHE JUST TIRED OF BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF KIM AND BRANDI’S NONSENSE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]